Mrcelloboy

Hi Wendy. I thought I'd share a ray of hope with you. Tonight I'm performing with a local community orchestra (on my cello) in a local concert. I'm not a soloist; just part of the cello section. My new girlfriend will be in the audience and we have some activities planned for the weekend. There are of course challenges involved in trying to love again, but it's mostly positive and grounding for me. We each have sons from our previous lives, and they seem to get along well. The anniversary of my departed partner Kathy's death is a month away. My year has included several fits and starts with other relationships that didn't work, but this one is still going well so far (about 7 weeks in now). Don't give up hope that you'll meet another special man, if that's what you want. Be patient with yourself too. Take care, Maury

Hi Gail. I really believe that loving and human relationship are the most important things in life. Our partners are the closest we ever get to not being alone in this world. My partner Kathy died just before Thanksgiving last year, and getting through that and Christmas, with her mom trying stay positive (which I'm sure Kathy would have wanted) was incredibly hard. I couldn't stop myself from crying. It's OK for us to feel sorry for ourselves at times. Eventually it won't hurt as much and we'll get to where we can focus on the love and goodness that made up our lost friends without as much pain.

I just came back in to my desk at work from taking a moment outside; sipping coffee and eating some chocolate while the California sunshine warmed me. I'd been reading a book by a buddhist who was reminding me to see and feel what's in the world around me. In 38 days Kathy will have been gone a year. She not only lived a full during her 46 years, she DEVOURED life. Expecially after surviving open-heart surgery a few years before her accidental death. As much as I understood her passion for life, and how much she'd want all of us who survived her death to live life to the fullest, it's been difficult. Day by day it's getting easier to experience pleasure again. You know, it's a choice. I don't deny my sadness and loss. I try to experience it fully; feeling whatever is there to feel, usually shedding some tears, then proceed through it. There's so much pain shared on these forums that I feel a need to share some happiness as well. I hope each and all of you are able to find something to smile about soon.

I apologize if I'm too graphic here, if yo feel sensitive you might not want to read this. We had some closure issues as well, due to the traumatic nature of Kathy's death, and the fact that it occurred on a Friday and the Coroner's office was closed for the weekend... I never got to see her again after leaving for work that morning. We were allowed to see one of her hands slipped out of the body bag she was in, and later were allowed to write some notes on the box that she was cremated in. We spoke with another member of the cycling community who had arrived at the accident scene just after Kathy was run over and he'd tried to administer CPR. He gave Kathy's closest girlfriend a pretty detailed description of what she looked like; Martha needed that. I don't think I could have survived seeing her at the accident site, but at the same time it was like she just disappeared. That was a bit unreal.

This past weekend I spent mostly with my new honey. She is so understanding and patient with me. The fact that she's a Nurse Practitioner is a big help I'm sure, but she's also a gentle, nurtuting soul. She's sure I'm "the one" for her from here on out. I have to be honest with her and only know I'm loving being with her "in the moment" and hope my love for her will grow. Right now I feel so emotionally foggy I'm not sure I can really feel sometimes. Yesterday we were sitting in my living room before a tandem bike ride and i was just feeling overwhelmed by the fact that EVERYTHING has changed. And I wanted NOTHING to change. It's so unfair. Then we just have to deal with it~! The only choice is deal or not deal, and the latter is a guaranteed losing proposition, whereas moving forward, as hard as it is, at least offers the possibility of an eventually positive outcome. I just have to believe that allowing my sadness, anger, and whatever other feelings come up, to flow will eventually get me past the worst and things will slowly become more positive again. Maury

I was informed, by various grief counseling sources, to expect to feel anger at some point. I'm not one who has ever held anger as a very acceptable emotion or feeling. I'm more of a gentle type, so it's a hard one for me to accept. Kathy, my partner of 10 years and future wife was killed on her bicycle on the way to a longer local ride, last November 10th. We were going to be married Nov. 11 2007. I'm angry that she couldn't have been a bit more careful in traffic (she was run over by a recycling truck making a right turn). I'm angry that our future as husband and wife was taken away. I'm angry that I was left single, when she knew I hated being on my own. I'm mad that I've had to rebuild my life by myself, when it's so much easier when one has a partner to help. There are certainly things I feel positive about, but it somehow feels good to be experiencing some anger as well. Maury

William, I'm sorry to hear about your experience with the Russian woman. I lost Kathy last November 10th. I tried dating a woman within a month. As soon as we became intimate I realized it was a mistake and backed off. We've remained on good terms and have checked in with each other a couple of times since. About a month after that I met another lady at a music audition. She seemed quite taken with me, though I wasn't as excited, but we had music in common, and met coincidentally a couple of times and I decided to let things progress. We became intimate and things went well for a few weeks, but I decided I wasn't ready to commit and I backed off. The next day I met a strikingly fit and attractive woman at a cycling event (I'm a recreational cyclist) and we started dating a week later. Things seemed to be going well for about a month, then she decided it had been too intense too soon and we needed to "back up" to being friends. It became clearer to me within another month that we weren't gonig to return to the closeness we'd started with. About this time I made a connection with a woman about 400 miles away from my home, through a friend (her cousin) I know through business events. She and I became close through E-Mail and phone calls and got together a half-dozen times over the course of several months. We felt very close by the time we actually met face-to-face. There seemed to be much in common, and lots of physical attraction. We became very affectionate but never crossed a certain threshold in our relationship (at her insistence). I was glad that she'd maintained that boundary as we decided, after several months of interaction, that the "distance" thing was just not going to work for us, and neither of us seemed inclined to move to the other area. I met my current girlfriend immediately after my long-distance gal and I called it quits. I suppose that if I look back at this path, there are lots of reasons to expect this not to work out, but I'm going to give it my best and stay optimistic. There are certainly important elements with my current relationship that weren't present in these past attempts. It may appear I've been avoiding my grief, but throughout this time I've continued to proccess my grief; getting one-on-one counseling and meeting with groups.

Having spent most of the weekend with my new partner I wanted to share some experiences I found wonderful. She's is so OK with whatever I'm feeling. We just layed around, napping, for most of the morning both Saturday and Sunday. I just felt fatigued and a bit depressed, and she was fine with this; even though we'd originally planned a more active weekend. At one point I shared with her that I still love Kathy; that I feel like I love both of them. I felt pained by this, but Mel's reply was that I'll always love Kathy. Mel is so very understanding that I amazingly very lucky we found each other. Two other women I'd dated previously, though they had their good points, had issue with my ongoing grieving. Mel seems to welcome it. I feel so so fortunate. I wish for those of you seeking another connection in your lives that you are able to find such a nurturing soul.

Dear William and Erica, I'm happy to answer your questions. It's all theraputic for me and our questions are quite similar. I'm both sentimental and a bit romantic, and maybe a bit addicted to love or relationships. I've always enjoyed becoming close to a partner, and this hasn't changed since Kathy's death. The most unhappy feelings I run into are from self-criticism. Sometimes I beat myself up for considering it a weakness in myself that allows me to want to get into new relationships so quickly. I don't feel guilty. I know love and affection are important in my life, and I'm acting with integrity and honesty with my partner. The excitement of holding hands, kisses, just communicating about feelings is sweet and wonderful. For now it's still mixed with sadness at times. There's a part of me that still wishes Kathy would miraculously return to where she belonged, and I feel sadness. My current sweetheart is incredibly understanding and compassionate and has no issue with me talking about Kathy, crying, or feeling whatever I feel. I'm very blessed by her openness. It has been hard for me to define what I feel for her as "Love", and she's understanding of this. Her understanding makes it easier for me to consider that what is growing between us really is meaningful and potentially long-term.

Thank you Derek. I've followed some of your posts as well so I appreciate your familiarity with the situation. I'd be happy to give you a progress report sometime down the road. going slow is difficult for me, and I appreciate the suggestion. In some ways I feel I am going a little slower this time. With Kathy, things progressed fairly quickly and got better and better throughout our 10 years together, so I've experienced that speed doesn't always equal failure. And I've got to be myself. My last connection was a long-distance one where my partner demanded that things go slow. we were in touch by phone for several months before we agreed we both needed a connection with someone more easily accessible. That period gave me some time for reflection. I certainly look forward to seeing where things are in a month or more.

It's been a bit over 10 months since my fiancee and partner of 10 years, Kathy, was killed by an inattentive recycling truck driver. Kathy had spoken to me, months before the accident during an intimate moment, about her understanding that I hate being alone. She wanted to assure me that if anything ever happened to her that I needed to find another mate and she supported this. At the time my reaction was (affectionately); "shut up honey, you're my partner". I've had several struggles with trying to re-connect too quickly, and now I've met someone very special (Mel) who appears ready to love me. She's a nurse like Kathy was also, so understands grief and supports me in continuing to express my feelings of sadness. She has no problem hearing references to Kathy. I feel able to open up to feelings that I haven't been able to for fear of falling totally apart. I feel safer having someone who cares being in my life. It's hard for me to clarify for myself whether it's really love I'm starting to feel again, or if I'm just grateful for her closeness and caring. We have much in common and I see potential for a future. Mel is very clear about not putting any pressure or expectations on me; It's a real gift. I realize that it might appear pretty fast to some, but I'm clear that it makes sense for me. Having Mel in my life now is helping me see joy again and helping bring back the optimistic side of me that's had such a hard time surviving these past months. I wanted to share this with others that might be struggling with feelings regarding finding another partner in their life.

Thank you for sharing that. what an awesome dream... so clear in all of its meaning. Maury

Today would have been my late fiancee's (Kathy's) birthday. She also loved attending fireworks on the 4th. I was expecting these few days to be more difficult than I'm experiencing. I did call her mom to check in... it's always emotional for me talking with her. I have a new woman-friend who lives 400 miles away. Like Kay, I've run into issues of her discomfort with my talking too much about Kathy. I don't even notice, but she feels she's already hearing some stories for the third time in as many visits. I do understand, but I can't be hiding my grief lest it just pop up later on. The physical distance between us actually seems to help for now. I don't know if it will work in the long run, but I'm trying to re-focus my attention on the positive things we share, instead of getting stuck on the hurdles. If our new relationship continues to grow we'll make it work. I always thrived on having a partner by my side in the past. The future is all new now so maybe I'll find it OK to only be physically close for the occasional visits until we might decide one of us wants to consider a move. It's transition time now with all the changes losing a partner brings, so I'll work at being patient and see what I/we think as time passes.

Kathy died in an accident a little over 7 months ago. She knew that I didn't like being alone and had told me if anything were ever to happen to her she understood that I would need to find another partner in life. There was no unfinished business between us, just a wonderful 10 years together with love that just grew and grew. My grief is easing up a bit, most days I still have tears of loss at some moment or another. Waking up alone is still painful. Affection and touch were a big aprt of our love and I greatly miss that comfort of a woman next to me. I tried dating a few times too early on and things lasted a month at best. I'm now in relationship with a sweet woman 400 miles away. We have things in common and seem to love each others company when we are able to get together. The long-distance thing is a big consideration for me. I do feel that my life after Kathy is something new. It may not fit the ideas I had before, and I know the next woman in my life can not reflect her. I'll just have to see if being physically close only infrequently will work for me. I'm confident that the emotional connection can exist. Any experience with this out there? Maury

Sean, My heart is with you. I lost my partner of ten years, Kathy, a bit over 6 months ago to a bicycle/recycling truck accident. She was half of me. I encourage you to find a local Hospice Bereavement Support Group. I've found this assistance very valuable. I also get one-on-one counseling from a man I saw for relationship issues when Kathy was still here. The hardest task I faced at first was re-creating my life as an individual. I'd let Kathy become a large part of who I was, and in fact had let my partners, since my teens, largely define my sense of self. Kathy knew I loved being a partner, and had as much as admonished me to look for a new woman if something ever happened to her. My memories of her will always be with me. Maury

TerryB, I miss Kathy too. The Police announced the findings of the investigation into her death this past Wed. placing the blame on the truck driver who ran over her. http://www1.pressdemocrat.com/apps/pbcs.dl...452/1033/NEWS01 It's like it just happened, again. Some days are really hard, others are full of joy. I know Kathy would want me to be living life to the fullest, full of joy. I also know that she knows I miss her, and that my tears honor her impact on my life. Hang in there. maury

Kayc, I just let my feelings flow and do the best I can with the form. Sometimes I'll add a response choice of my own if i really need to. You gotta feel what you feel. Maury

Derek, I say be positive. It may sound silly, but I would maintain focus on the good things that happen. If you begin to feel sad or down then feel it. I'm not suggesting you ignore your felings, just that you don't need to direct yourself into self-doubt or sadness. Maury

Hi Brooke, It sounds to me like she was angry about something totally different. Often peoples upsets have nothing to do with us. I remember always assuming my late fiancee's anger was because of something I had done. My sister educated me once to the fact that this position assumes that we're the center of the universe for everyone. Fact is we're only the center for ourselves. I'm new to this forum so I ought to introduce myself. I lost my fiancee, Kathy, about five months ago. I'm just coming out of the "shock" phase and missing her a lot. Kathy and I met biking, and she was killed while riding her bike by a recycling truck driver who turned right, into her path at a busy intersection. I'm doing really well, considering. I'm an incurable optimist. The hardest part for me has been staying single, or rather not trying to find a mate. The universe has conspired to support me in remaining single; despite myself, and I'm finally OK with being single now. I have a supportive workplace and many, many loving friends. My family lives an hour away. My 17 yr. old son lives with me during the school week. That helps too. We move into a new house this week and that's very exciting. Strangely enough, two previous tenants died in this home and the person I bought it from had a nervous breakdown within a month of purchasing it. I truly feel my loving energy is here to heal the house. Looking forward to participating more.