V. R.

On 4/14/2024 at 2:55 PM, Rudderless said:

This is quite long. I just have to get it if me otherwise I'd keep it bottled up and that won't end well.

My wife died.

This is the first time I truly acknowledged it. I never pretended that she left me or that I left her. I never pretended that she is just somewhere far away. But somehow, for the past 12 years, I never connected the words “died” or “dead” with her. In my mind and when I refer to her, it is “lost my wife.”

Typing those words hurt like hell. It brings a heavy finality. She is not just gone or lost but dead. She’s not coming back. And like the wedding vows we made—till death do us part—she has parted from me and I from her.

I acknowledged that the woman I love is dead. Now what? Continue living, some might say. It hurts to look at her. Not through pictures. I made sure that photos with her on them were… disposed after her funeral. I may be a monster by doing that; I acknowledge it. It’s no excuse, but sometimes, grief makes people do silly things.

Like I said in my first post, my two sons are living reminders. The eldest is now 24 and he has her eyes. Green with hints of blue. And like his mother before him, those orbs can blaze like Greek fire or—as my youngest calls them—Avada Kedavra eyes (apparently that’s a Harry Potter thing).

The last time I saw those eyes blaze with fury was years and years ago, when he was in high school. I think he was telling me to actually buy something and not ask my aide. As anybody can guess, that did not go down well. He was punished. The next time I saw those eyes, the fire was gone. They were dead, glassy, and resigned.

My son works with me now and he is very polite. Painfully polite. He addresses me as “sir” at work. I told him he can call me Dad, since everyone knows who he is anyway. But all I got was “The training from HR said it’s not proper to be familiar with the boss, sir.” Might as well be talking to a soldier. When he visits on weekends, I notice that he calls me “Dad” when his younger brother is around. But he slips back to the military-like “sir” otherwise.

My youngest is 12; he looks like his mother. Looking at him brings so much pain. I can manage a meal with him, but I look at his forehead when we have to talk. And even that is minimal. I do not know anything about him. I remember the baby that my wife and I used to chase around the house (he hated getting dressed and preferred to be in his diapers only). I know nothing of the boy he’s grown into.

I am flying blind. I do not know what to do from here. I do not know how to talk to my boys and tell them I acknowledge their mother’s death now. Denial is over.

I’d ask my wife, if I could. She’d know what to say (after perhaps an earful). But she’s not here.

My wife is dead.

Hello @Rudderless, I haven't been on the site much lately , it's just so hard to put grief feelings into words at times, I think to myself: "What am I gonna say?", but when I checked in and saw your post, I was particularly touched. You echo my words so much, I thought I was going crazy with my "stuck in denial" situation after three and a half years. I'm not ready to pronounce that "d" word you mention that you can finally say out loud. I don't think I ever will be ready.  You've passed a giant hurdle and I'm glad for you, wishing you all the strength you need for you and your young family. I also see every part of my husband in my two adult children, both physically and through their behavior and way of reasoning. I find that my husband is speaking through me in certain occasions, he's helping me out a lot in solving problems. We always say: "this is what dad would do/think/say". I love that, it keeps me going, but for me, their dad is just "not here" whereas on the other hand he is present in our lives in every way, even if not physically. His influence on our way of life, our decision-making, his legacy of knowledge, these precious gifts we have from him are giving us our fuel to carry on, "taking" him with us for the rest of our lives.

I also have difficulty talking to my son and daughter, it's just still so painful, there is no perfect time perhaps to talk , it will all just happen gradually and spontaneously, without planning anything. There are "no rules in grief", like my friends here on this site have perfectly explained to me. 

Wishing you better, more peaceful days. 

12 hours ago, kayc said:

None nearby, no kids, a cousin who called her once a month.

 

As we all do, thank you, so glad you're back!

Yep we're all elderly, getting older with our infirmities, but none so hard as Gwen.

Thank you Kay. After what's happened to us, I always tend to think the worst, I was already an anxious person before, now even more so. Let's keep our fingers crossed for Gwen. 

22 hours ago, KarenK said:

V, so nice to hear from you. Hope you and the children are doing well.

Drop by whenever you can.

Thank you Karen. It's tough but we are doing the best we can, although those moments of utter desperation are always just around the corner, waiting to appear suddenly and torment me. 

Hello to everyone. I hope you are all well. I haven't been on the site much but I do check in every now and then, and I have been wondering about Gwen. She used to write everyday, so sad that she can't be traced. I hope with all my heart that she is OK. 

Sending you all a big hug. 

10 hours ago, Margm said:

V, my son's birthday is this week.  Somehow, I quit celebrating things almost eight years ago.  My daughter is peeved with me, which is nothing new, because I do not care to celebrate anything.  I'm like my maternal grandmother, it is just another day and I guess I rain on their parades.  I buy gifts, but my time of throwing BD parties have long gone away.  I figure at 56 (soon) and 61 (this week), they can "throw" their own BD.  I hear footsteps behind me and I will see them on their BD, but something is lacking in my celebration mode.  

The storms left over 200 thousand people w/o power.  The heat is so sultry humid, into the 100's, and my sister has been in the ER twice in two months, being unable to breathe.

Hope Gwen is okay and not taken prisoner.  Maybe her pain is lessened, I sure hope so.  

V, we move at our own pace with this grief and some actually find someone else to ease the pain, but I doubt the pain ever stops.  Finding someone else is a personal decision, and in my case a long expired, never considered decision.  I'm cranky, hate car hunting, so I will take control of my sister's car and pay her extra each month, she does not need to be driving anyhow.  Still have to take care of paperwork, which I hate, and just getting outside her apartment yesterday put her in the ER last night.  I was coming to get her from the ER on May 22nd when the woman ran the stop sign, no traffic, only two cars on the road.  I've had a rental (paid by insurance company) as my means of transportation..  Am tired of doing any kind of business except paying my rent, not sorry I moved away from taking care of a house.  

Take your time, time is not going anywhere.  After nearly eight years I can finally look at pictures and have good memories, even if they tinge on sadness.  

Your still new at this.   I would like to say it gets better, but unfortunately Rose Kennedy was right, you just develop scar tissue that can just fall off at any time.  

I don't celebrate special occasions anymore either, since my C left. I only cook  special meals and bake birthday cakes for my kids, but that's all. 

Sending you best wishes for your son's birthday,and I hope your sister is feeling better. 

6 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

 Hi all:

I pop in here every day but really don't have much to share.  My life without my dear husband is very quiet and uneventful.  My son and his family are busy with their lives even though they live just 100 steps from my front door; (yes, I counted them. LOL).  I try not to interfere with their busy life.   My life consists of taking care of myself, housework, food preparations, doctor/dental appointments, etc. required to keep this soon to be 82-year-old functioning.  My entertainment is mainly TV and watching movies.  The local and national news is so depressing I seldom watch; too depressing.  My achy bones and joints don't let me work in the yard very long.  I envy you young'uns that are able to get out and walk and stay active.  

So good to hear from "V" again.  Your beautifully written words are so true on how this life without our special one is, it really touched my heart.  All of you: Kay, Karen, Marg all have such interesting writing styles; in the way you share your feelings.  I wasn't given that talent to write so beautifully so find putting my thoughts on paper or "laptop" very difficult.  Being a "died-in-the-wool" introvert doesn't help either.  My husband was the opposite of me.  He never met a stranger.  Moving forward for me has some positive traction occasionally, but sometimes it feels like I am going in reverse when "the scar" falls off.  I still talk with him and ask him what I should do in many situations.  The pain of his loss will always be with me or until my last breath.  

How nice Kay that you will get to spend a day celebrating your daughter's birthday.  Kodie will be the guest of honor, I'm sure.  

Marg, so sorry to read the weather and storms have added to your worries of caring for your sister.  Searching for a new car would be the last thing I could even think about doing.  It's good your sister has a car for you to use.  Also, I hope your sore muscles and body have recovered from the accident.

Yes, I worry about Gwen, too.  

Hugs to all.  Dee

Thank you for your kind words. I relate completely with that feeling of going in reverse, it's like taking one step forward and ten steps back😕. 

17 hours ago, KarenK said:

V, it is nice to hear from you and to see that you are moving forward. Do that at your own pace and disregard the comments of those who don't understand. It has been 10 years since Ron left and yet there are times when it seems like yesterday. I think it will forever be that way. Some bonds are never broken.

Congratulations to your daughter. I understand the mixed emotions. My son graduated the week we buried his father. He would have been so proud.

Take care. Sending peace to your heart.

Thank you for your congrats Karen. I can imagine how absolutely heartbreaking it must have been seeing your son graduate, without his dad, so soon after losing him, but at the same time making him proud. 

Sending peace and comfort to you too. 

17 hours ago, kayc said:

Exactly. And no moving on from it.

My George passed 18 years ago Father's Day, June 19, before they started calling it a holiday for Juneteenth.  It seems unbelievable to me that much time has passed...one day at a time.  

 

Looking around my church of 23 years the other day I realized only two people there that knew him. They've all died or left. That is sad to me.  That leaves my family and I don't hear from them. I miss my one sister (she died 3/28/22) that would bring him up, I love hearing his name come up, people talk about their memories, but they don't.

I'm glad you checked in! We miss hearing from you.

Marg, let us know how it all came out with the weather! And Gwen, let us know how you are even if it's short.

 

 

"If you mention my loved one's name, I may cry, but if you don't, it will break my heart". 

I feel like writing this quote on a piece of paper and sticking it on my forehead!

I've recently started attending mass in our local village chapel, which reopened last Summer, after being closed for more than 10 years. We baptized our daughter there, and my husband has  been particularly fond of this little characteristic church, situated in this pretty historical hamlet. We have never been church-goers, butI go there now to try and find some peace of mind and remind God that I'm still angry at him, waiting for the answer to my question: "Why?" 

Hello everyone. I haven't been on here for a while, I just wanted to see how you are all getting on. You have all been so empathetic and helpful towards me. It's been two and a half years now since the love of my life suddenly left this world. I still can't believe it's real even as I write this. I'm learning to cope better, but that's it really, you just learn to live with your grief, there is no healing or moving on. Moving forward yes, because Time (which has become my worst enemy), and our human instinct forces us to do that, but I believe in Continuing Bonds, I will always feel as if my C is still with me, only not physically. I miss him more and more each day, he is constantly in my thoughts from the moment I wake up until the moment I finally fall asleep at night, and then  often dreaming about him - I wish this  would happen more often. I'm not the same person I was, I can't be, but that fusion of minds that we shared, remains. I realise I think like him and make decisions that he would have made, knowing that he always made the right ones. He has left me and my kids all his knowledge and wisdom, which I hope we will never forget. I manage to solve particular problems knowing what he would suggest. I always discuss matters  with him, ask him what he thinks, what we should do in certain difficult situations, share happy moments with him, imagine his reactions and his funny comments, remembering his sweet laughter, teasing me jokingly, but when I  can't "imagine" what his reply  would be, I just want to run away from everything and everyone, and scream my heart out. All this new responsibility (and loneliness) I have now, has made me tougher, more intuitive and sensitive to others, more open-minded, but at the same time more impatient and intolerant. Like I have said, I hate this TIME passing by without him. While my mind and soul remain trapped in time, my body goes on in a  a mechanical way, just carrying on doing what I have to do, just existing. There are some happy moments filled with joy, like when my daughter graduated from university , but these occasions are always accompanied by that underlying sadness, tears ready to emerge at any moment, thinking about what he's missing, the photos without him, that empty chair, me feeling like I was a "half person", he, should have been  there!! 

I hate that people think I should be "over it" , everybody seems to avoid talking about him,  except if they've been through this themselves, (I hardly ever speak to anyone, anyway, apart from my close family members). He will always be in the "present" for me. That special connection we have, cannot be broken, not like the marriage vow seems to imply : "till death us do part". It hasn't parted me from him, even though it has parted us physically,  I will still continue to hold, love, honor and cherish him. I mean this in a positive way, I take comfort from this, gives me hope, helps me go on, helps me to still be a mother to my kids and a daughter to my parents. 

Gwen, I'm sorry to hear about your fall, I hope it wasn't too serious, sending you well wishes for a speedy recovery. Marg, sorry to hear about the harsh weather conditions, hope you are all safe. We've just come out of two long cold  months of constant rain, thunderstorms,  serious flooding in many areas, with victims, as you've all probably heard about in the news. Luckily, our areas were saved. The sun's finally shining again. 

Sending a hug to you all.  

On 2/8/2023 at 3:46 PM, Sheemie said:

When my spouse passed from covid it was the most horror of my life. I could not have imagined it in my worst nightmare ever. The government gave hospital full control. I could not be there to hold his hand nothing. I paced back and forth day and night praying for a miracle. I had to watch him die through a glass and afterwards all I felt was a fog of fire and I just wanted to die too. My life was that man and I don't want anything else and it was stolen from me. Since his death I have learned that all anyone cares about as far as I am concerned is stuff and money. I don't even say I'm a widow because then they look at me like a piggy bank. At first I was pushed out of our home, then into an income based apartments which was like a jail, half way house. Now I'm living in the south by myself in a trailer wondering if my life will ever be normal again. I have been trying to go back to working and these jobs are just 100 percent using me for pay that makes me wonder if I have stepped back in time to the year 1999, complete slave labor. How much longer do I have to wander? How much longer am I going to punish myself? Will I ever feel normal again?

@Sheemie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. People can be so wretched and hurtful, like you say, thinking of you as a piggy bank. Ignore all that foolishness, you are superior to them, you deserve more, hold your head up high, you come first, like you did for your beloved. I hope you find a safe place to settle soon, there are much more empathic, friendlier people out there that I'm sure will be more willing to help, without judgement or selfishness. We are here too, to listen and share with you. 

Sending you a hug. 

Ana, your words moved me to tears. I wish I could give you a hug, I understand how it feels being treated by others so  insensitively and with no empathy at all. Married or not, you lost your soulmate, a part of you, the most important thing that's ever happened to you in your life. We are what we are because of the life and love we shared with our beloveds, we were 'fused' together, so when half of that is torn away from us, we feel just like you stated: with no soul. You deserve to be treated with more respect, I'm sorry you are experiencing so much  hurtfulness  from people you cared for, it's the same old story for all of us unfortunately. If they haven't been through it, they just don't get it!  

On 2/8/2023 at 8:32 PM, nashreed said:

After being in a relationship for 30 years, I feel like an alien- a

Yes, that's just it James. I feel like I'm on another planet,  in a different dimension to everyone else. Even when I talk to my own children and my parents, I'm always "not really with it", my thoughts are  in a world of their own.  I've lost that connection that human beings normally have with other people in their lives, even with my closest family members! I feel awkward having everyday conversations, and I don't want to either, as if I'm not part of normality anymore. I just want to talk about my husband but it seems nobody wants to, trying to avoid even mentioning his name. I've had enough of promises to  "keep in touch" and "if you need anything", blah, blah,... Perhaps, we can keep going by feeling that our soulmates are still with  us, even if not physically,  because they actually are, if we were "one" person with them, then we still have a part of that whole entity, and taking them with us will give us motivation and strength to go on. 

Hugs to everyone. 

Enza. 

12 hours ago, scba said:

didn't die but I lost my soul

I'm sorry to hear about these misunderstandings between some of you, I'm sure neither of you meant to offend the other. Perhaps it's also the difficulty in connecting to each other using only written speech, without being able to see each others' facial expressions, body language, which would help to clarify miscomprehensions. 

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

Problems that could have arisen with or without our spouse. We

I think these words are so true, I do feel for everyone here who has been been alone for many years now, after losing their spouse, and that aging/health issues are definitely much more difficult to face when you are completely alone. I have witnessed this, having watched  my MIL's long-suffering years completely alone, and on the other hand, my parents in their late 80s now, with all the usual age-related complications but at least they are both still together. It makes a difference, when there's still the "the two of you" for sure, it really does! But I also understand those like me, with a more recent loss, (I think we are more or less in the same age group), still unable to accept  the reality of what's happened (at least, in my case!), terrified of facing the many years ahead, trying to hang on to a glimmer of hope for the future,at least for our mental sanity, seeking support, empathy, and  understanding, which thankfully I've received from you all here, sharing my feelings. 

11 hours ago, nashreed said:

It seems that this is the way it is for us widows/widowers now. I see a lot of your posts saying that people are calling you, wanting to talk for two hours (about themselves usually) and you can't be bothered. You'd rather be reading or doing something solitary, even though you could be talking with someone. Often it's more trouble and bother than it's worth or you don't get anything out of it, so you shy away from engaging- even while you're desperately lonely at the same time. 

I just this past week reached out to a former boss of mine on Facebook, who lives in Iceland now. She's married, but has a lot of baggage going on that I can relate to, so it's nice to kind of chat about her way of dealing with anxiety. Plus, her living in such a faraway country is fascinating and intriguing. Yet, today I just don't have anything to say. My life is beyond pathetic, and it's honestly just easier to not message her, because as lonely as I am, it's just messaging- it's not human contact, not face to face. Face to face conversation is scary and (besides with my family) I find it impossible to initiate. Ultimately, a long distance friendship via text or whatever is unfulfilling, because it's not really involving yourself in someone's life, you're just a "virtual" person to them- real but not really. 

What I want is to be with Annette and it's impossible. Next would be to have a relationship with another woman as a friend or something more, but it's also impossible. Probably even more so. As a man (and without getting gross), it's very depressing to know you'll never have another intimate relationship again- like a kid knowing they'll never have another Christmas. There's nothing to look forward to. 

So, ultimately, we can choose to have conversations or contact, but it's not the kind we want, with who we want it to be with. It's just very sad, and I wish I could just close this book of life. I'm bored with it. 

James

The title for this thread is very appropriate James, the paradox is evident too. Feeling lonely usually means we would appreciate new company, connections, conversations, but listening to them talking only about their fulfilling  lives, not asking once how we are coping, just makes us feel even more lonely, so we'd rather be left alone. I feel like I'm in a Catch 22 situation, I never make the first move to contact anyone as I have no desire to chat about 'this and that', on the other hand I feel let down by people who just don't bother contacting me anymore, or haven't even bothered to contact me at all. I read somewhere a phrase which particularly touched me: "If you mention his/her name, I may cry, but it you don't, you will break my heart". 

Wandering around on YouTube, I came across Prince Harry's interview in the US "The late show", and I was particularly touched by his words when asked about how his experience of grieving his mother had affected him: "Our society does not encourage grief". 

Yes, this graphic describes very well how we should be processing our grief. I will definitely try and print these words in my mind, so each  time I get one of my 'grief attacks' I'll refer to them, to calm myself down. 

22 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Do you find it hard to do? I feel

Yes, Boho, I find it very hard to do and I feel I'm letting him down and not trying hard enough at times,but this is a goal I've set myself as part of my 'mental therapy', determined to achieve it, giving myself a reason to go on, and not break down completely. 

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

We become very empathetic to others from what happened to us.  It’s like instinctual now.  We know that deep pain and drawn to it.  Hoping we can help because we get it.

True, so true Gwen. Those are sacred words you've written. I didn't have a clue until it happened to me. 

I'm sad to read about all this 'ghosting' going on, but I'm relieved because I realize that I'm not alone in this, as I was beginning to think there's something wrong with me . The exact same thing has happened to me.

I understand also about the caregiving. Just three months after I lost my husband, me and my daughter (my son had his own problems to attend to) suddenly found ourselves alone caring for my MIL living  20km away from us (divorced from FIL way back in 80s, never remarried but he did), )suffering from dementia, then falling, breaking her thigh bone, surgery, followed by one month at her house bedridden (severe obesity, we couldnt even turn her), needing 24 hour care, me and my daughter traveling backwards and forwards every day during covid restrictions, luckily we found a night carer, so we could return home. In the end, we had to find her a place in a rehabilitation centre/nursing home  where at least they got her to walk again. She had made no progress at home with the physiotherapist. 45She was there seven months before she passed away (11 months after her son, my husband). She also had severe diabetes but in the end I feel and I am sure she died from a broken heart, after having lost both her sons. I could read it in her eyes when we visited her that she was just letting herself go and had no wish to live anymore. I also worrry about my parents who live in town, but for now they're still independent(more or less!), my dad doesn't drive any longer, he turns 89 next week, so when I do my weekly shopping, I pick up my mum so she can do hers and other errands. Obviously I often have to drive them to medical visits. I'm not complaining though, one thing I've learned about life is that if you complain or nag about something/someone, there's that little 'gremlin' hiding behind you on your shoulder, watching your moves, adding more problems if you dare say a word. Just grin and bear it, there's always worse. Perhaps this saying could give us strength and positivity to face our battles which seem endless sometimes. 

Hi James, we've just posted about  the same time. It's a relief to have this site where we can share our feelings, it really does seem that in our 'real world' we just don't get any empathy and feel like we are surrounded by 'unreal' beings,who haven't got a clue what we're going through. I feel guilty being a burden for my kids when they always see me grumpy and snapping at them, I'm not  the same person I was, absolutely not. The fact is that I'm their mother because my husband was their father and now that he's gone, I only feel 'half' a mother, sounds silly I know, but that's how it feels,and at the same time they are suffering so much too, for their dad.  So I understand what you mean about feeling that your mum and brother are tolerating you, and that you feel alone even if you are living with them. I'm sure they are glad to have you with them though, instead of thinking of you living alone in a different home far away. Like you say, we never felt lonely with our soulmates even if we were apart for a few hours, we knew they were always there. It's so tough not having that shoulder to lean on, any longer. They are still here though, they are part of us, guiding us along in everything we do. From what we have learned from them, we will make it and continue living "for" them, and  in this way, they continue living through us. I keep repeating to myself and have promised my husband that I will not go into regression, the 'better person' he made me will not disappear. I hope to keep this promise. 

Boho, you tugged at my heartstrings when I read your post. I know exactly what you mean. I now understand when people say that when you go through a grief experience, friendships either become closer or end. I think the second option is more common. I've never really had many friends, but even our mutual friends that knew my husband so well, or his personal friends that he'd known for years, have also suddenly become estranged beings. At first they called, promises to visit but never did, some never even called, who knows if they even know what happened to him! I received a call (after two years!!) from the president of a medical association that my husband was a member of (before selling his business) saying that he had only just been informed! I managed to stay calm when he explained that he was so distraught, had so much admiration for my husband and intended to fund a scholarship in his name. To top it all, at the time when I lost my husband (Nov 2020)everyone had the excuse that we were in "Covid" shutdown  with very rigid restrictions, no visits allowed, only close family for funerals, no leaving the house unless it was an emergency, and so on. What about after that? When restrictions were lifted? All forgotten. I think people who haven't lost a soulmate just cannot empathize with us, they feel embarrassed, so instead of saying the wrong things which could hurt us, they prefer just to avoid us. 

11 hours ago, Margm said:

The street we lived on in Arkansas, it was a visual "garden of Eden" and I cannot really describe the beauty and peace.  It was a "circle" drive with I think 10 houses in small hills and valleys with the forest all around us and totally behind us.  The land went

Marg, I am lost for words. This place sounds so similar to where we we live. We are are in the countryside, surrounded by hills, mountains and woods nearby, few minutes away from village center, 15 minute drive from nearest town, and in my lane there are about fourteen  houses, some separated (like ours) and others right next door to each other. In the past few years, we have had so many widowed, especially prematurely, in their fifties! 

9 hours ago, nashreed said:

miss the ease of my relationship with Annette. No

3 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

too miss the familiarity of my relationship with my Michael. One can never have a relationship like the one we had, there will never be another one

James and Boho, you have both written sacred words here, they echo my thoughts precisely. That's just it, we may be able to have other friendships, but that special bond with our soulmates is incomparable. We were part of each other, a fusion, an "all in one" mix, I actually still think of it that way. They are still part of us and we are part of them, and always will be,no matter what. 

After all, we are  'social animals", we need to connect and talk to others. I seem to be going against this natural instinct though, I even get fed up and irritated when my mum calls me, she starts talking about this and that and I just answer mmmm, yes, huffing and puffing, getting irritated, trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible. I know she just wants to try and get me back to normality /real life, trying not to think too much, but I just can't. She doesn't realize it's doing me more harm than good. Someone who hasn't gone through the loss of a life partner just cannot comprehend the devastation. I can't talk to her about how I'm feeling, she wouldn't understand, and I've never been one to confide and express my feelings anyway, I've always tended to repress them, causing me many problems with my social life, didn't have many friends, I appeared to others as cold and withdrawn. I even had trouble doing with this with my husband at first, then it all came naturally,as we grew closer. Now, apart from my two grownup kids, my FIL and his wife, I can only relate and converse with everyone  here on this site, who are in the same situation as me, we can empathize with each other. 

3 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

think connecting with yourself is a fabulous idea. That's an ongoing thing I'm also working on. I think, "Who am I now?" because I will never be able to go back to who I was. It kinda reminds me of when I left my abusive marriage years ago, I instantly became a single mom, and I had the same thought of, "Who am I now?" because I didn't know how to do life as a single mom. Just like now, I don't always know how to do life as a widow

Thanks Boho. I'm sorry to hear about your past sad experience and finding yourself a single mom. It must have been so hard for you. Yes, this is a 'new normal' we need to adapt to,but I just can't see it that way, at least just not yet. I manage to struggle on by 'taking' my husband with me in everything I do, everything I think, talking to him, asking him for advice as he always had the right solutions, was able to resolve any difficult situation, trying to use his knowledge and wisdom that he has transmitted to us. My daughter frequently asks what would dad do?,  my son's more reserved, keeps it all inside. This is what keeps me going, also for the sake of my children, they have already lost their dad prematurely, they don't need to see their mum going mad. 

Yes, let's all wish better days for all of us. 🌈

6 hours ago, nashreed said:

I haven't posted on here for a while. I still read posts, but there's not a lot of activity usually. 

I have just given up on human connection. I have to resign myself to the fact that I will never have another relationship even remotely close to what Annette and I had, so why bother? Small talk with cashiers at the supermarket doesn't do a thing for me. I tried to develop a friendship (online) with three different widows that I met on here and they all crashed and burned. One of them I thought I had developed a really good communication with- writing and texting- but, she just decided that she would rather not have a friendship with me at all than deal with the disagreements we had. I was too needy. Another lasted exactly a month. We even talked on the phone a couple of times, but again, we were both looking for different things out of it. She just wanted someone to listen to her talk, ultimately. I don't know what I expect. Nobody is going to want any romantic relationship with me-- I'm just a creepy old guy now.  I had a flesh and blood friend here in town, but I couldn't deal with hearing about his great life, his wife, his kid, vacations.... So I can't be friends with someone who is in a marriage/relationship, because they just don't understand what this is like- to be so alone and lost. 

It's just easier to listen to music, watch TV and not deal with anyone but my Mom and brother. That's the only people who even accept me around, though I can't talk to them about my feelings or anything that matters. I'm just shut down and I accept it. I have no expectation for a life without Annette anymore. I just want it to be over with. I'm tired of missing her. 

I'll never matter to anyone ever again. I wish the best for all of you and hope that you all can find some happiness where you can. 

James

Hi James, just like you and Boho, I haven't been on here much. I still find it hard to have 'general chat' conversations with people, my head is always elsewhere. I'm just not connected with this real world any longer, I prefer the comfort of my own home, where I feel my husband close to me. Every time I need to go into town for shopping and other errands, I just can't wait to get back to my home/safety nest, where I can also take my 'nature therapy' walks in our fields (weather-permitting, of course). I'm so glad Christmas/New Year are all over, seemed to last forever. I felt like getting hold of the TV and throwing it out of the window, couldn't bear to see all that holiday stuff. So during  these long lonely winter evenings, I'm just watching films and TV series on Amazon Prime to stop me from thinking too much, a sort of evasion, and  playing adventure games on my tablet. I've reached the 3rd season of Lost, by the way, very strange but captures my curiosity, and keeps my mind  occupied. Although I feel like those people, in a way! 

I'm sorry for your disappointing experiences recently. I don't want to  impose any suggestions,  but maybe you could try to find some sort of interest/hobby which would involve meeting people face to face, rather than depend on online chatting. I know it's easier said than done, for all of us, believe me. You are not alone in this. 

Sending you strength and hoping the coming year will send you more joy and positivity. 

Enza. 

My heart goes out to your cousin, Marg. We all understand how she's feeling, especially as it was so sudden, the shock is overwhelming. Like you say, she needs the comfort of  her family now, who will help her get through this. 

Sending strength.