Margm

Like my friend who lost her husband a few years ago, (he was an invalid for seven years, and she said she would have kept him for seven more, if she had been allowed),she is very health conscious, is actually prettier now all these many years after high school graduation, has been an administrative secretary for a church, other than her own faith, for close to 40 years.  She is also deaf, although she once could hear.  She is such a wonderful Christian woman, her husband was a deacon and that is when she misses him the most, when she is in church.  Misses sitting shoulder to shoulder.  I think my odd thing is I reach over to Billy's side of the bed each morning and for just an instant, just a small segment of time, I reach for him.  Then, I realize he is not there and I do not linger in bed another moment.   

We are having straight line winds and a tornado watch this morning.  I have to think for myself now.  I have business that I need to attend to in "the big city" 40 miles away.  I have to use my own common sense (which has been beaten to a pulp), about whether to go now or wait until tomorrow, when the sun is supposed to be abundant.  Billy, over these past few years had decided he needed to drive me everywhere.  I would get agitated because I was perfectly capable of driving myself.  I still am.  But, I will use what little common sense I have left and stick to the house today.  I think of the childhood story of the little engine that could, and like that little engine climbing that hill, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."  Knees are still shaking though.  Today, I will stay at home.  This second childhood growing up an orphan is hard. 

My family were in minor politics.  After the mud slinging against my cousin running for senator, I shut down on politics.  Besides I voted for Nixon (cannot believe I admit to that) and my favorite politician was Edwin Edwards the Louisiana governor.  And he went to prison.  (Still my favorite).  

Debi, stay close to home and take care of yourself.  Brad, and all that have been ill, I wish you health.  And, it is raining so hard at my house I think I am going stark raving mad.  I heard from a "girlfriend" I graduated with so long ago.  She is a fine Christian woman and will not leave her house unless every hair is in place and all her makeup on, matching outfits. She lost her husband a few years back. She is not hunting for another, she just takes very good care of herself.  I think we all are going to have to learn to take care of ourselves and that is a hard thing to do alone.  I will go see my neighbor Hettie tomorrow, she gets depressed in this kind of weather also.  We have deer season here and I passed the preacher's house and I think he got an 8 point buck.  Billy preferred to shoot animals with a camera, but I have nothing against sportsmen who consume what they "harvest."  Myself, we never ate wild game.  So please, you all take care of yourselves.   

Oh Brad, I think that is what we are all here for.  To try to help each other "get well" or just to feel better.  I think I would be in my living room running in circles constantly if I did not have this forum to go read.  I have not been sick yet, still have problems with my colon rupture, but it is an everyday thing.  I just watch my temperature.  I know if I get sick then I will just lose it.  He was my nurse.  It is raining here and that song "raining in my heart" is all that comes to mind.  I put on my Facebook page the words to Little Orphan Annie, "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow."  

Take care of yourself Brad.  We have not had real cold weather in this part of Arkansas.  I miss Louisiana right now.  

I love these Kay.  My hands are so shaky I cannot do crafts, but I sure love those that others can do.  In my younger years I could look at a dress and go home and cut me a pattern out of newspaper and make that dress.  My mom taught me how.  Now, I cannot thread a needle even with a needle threader.  I have a hard time writing, but I can still type, so I retain some use of my hands.  I was going to say "all is not lost" but as we all know, at this time I am thinking it is.  Here's to happier times and the sun coming out.

Happy to hear from you Debi.  You were missed.  Take care of yourself.  I think a lot of us have been "under the weather" also.  We are expecting sun Wednesday, but should have storms until then.  My mood is gray and dismal right now..  And our governments?  I hate politics, I hate grief the most.  Stay safe and well.

I just remember  Billy saying "the one who is left should stay."  Well, I'm staying, but I sure ain't happy.  

I so wanted it to increase his appetite and encouraged it often.  Unfortunately, it did not help.  It did help with his mood though, he just could not eat or drink anything.  I had bought the most fortified Ensure and Boost.  I have lived off of this the past month.  He only had two chemo treatments.  His body just totally turned against him with such a ferocious attack, so soon, I could not fix anything, one day I got 2 oz. of Gatorade down him.  Our visits were for saline boluses more than for chemo.  Maybe I should be grateful for small favors.  But the short use of marijuana definitely helped his mood and was wonderful, funny bonding sessions with his two middle aged kids.  They laughed a lot and he pointed out all the formations of the stars to them (he has to me before too, but I cannot remember), but his mind was sharp, loved numbers, loved studying till the end.

Brad, I typed medical transcription for 43 years.  I always hated to type the word palliative care.  And yet, while in the big hospital, the palliative care nurse came to us.  I did not tell Billy what the word palliative care meant.  She spoke from anonymity about one thing, and that marijuana helped some symptoms.  Of course it was illegal, and of course Billy had never had any.  He spent some of his best moments with the marijuana provided him, bonding with his kids during this time.  Was I against this?  Definitely not.  I did not join in, not from being annoyed at it, just because my two times of attempting to smoke regular cigarettes in my teen years hurt my lungs so bad when I tried to inhale that I had no desire to try ever again.  And, my mom would have bought my cigarettes.  She is 94 and still smokes.  I am happy that Billy had that time with his kids, with laughter, with talking and looking at the stars.  I came outside once with them, he saw me, and somehow his legs let him run and hug me.  He looked like a bowlegged cowboy, but it is one memory I can handle right now with a smile.   

Before we moved into Arkansas I wondered how an old woman, or even a middle aged woman would traverse these rocks everywhere.  We had the kind of flatlands in Louisiana where the road was straight, no hills, only necessary curves, and a Walmart was close (where ever I was).  Billy handled everything.  He was not a handyman fix-all person.  We did not have to have an electrician change our light bulbs, but he definitely was not a homesteader.  Neither am I.  I prefer to rent where I don't have to be responsible for appliances, etc.  Billy's family always rented.  Small, small town.  I do remember one time he built them a very sturdy outside toilet, a two hole one.  Oh, that was many, many years ago within the "city" limits.  I think Billy could have existed without me.  The facts were he went down so fast, only six weeks, and he lost so much dignity during those six weeks.  He hated me bathing him.  He hated me shoring him up to walk and he lost the ability to walk so fast.  He was gone in an instant.  I cursed the time that I did not have with him.  I wanted to care for him.  But, my only consolation, and it is such a poor consolation, but a true one, he did not suffer long, the pain was not unbearable, and he just quietly left me.  Either the aneurysm in the back of his brain burst or his little heart just gave up.  I cursed the time that was taken away from us.  But, his dad and my dad were in the hospital with all life support turned off and we were only allowed to put ice chips on their lips.  Both men lasted six days with the family watching unbearable pain that not even enough morphine could be given.  I did not want him to leave me period.  But, he did not suffer the pain most cancer patients suffer.  Is that a consolation?  It has to be, I am allowed no other.

Growing up Baptist, my dad was one of three deacons in our small church, cleaning the church ourselves on Saturday, Girls Auxiliary on Monday night, Wednesday prayer meeting, Thursday Brotherhood (yes, we women/girls provided refreshments and attended), Sunday of course, lots of times visiting preachers ate Sunday dinner with us, running off the Sunday church bulletin, revivals, my free time was all spent at church (and I was a wild child, so perhaps that was best).  No doubt when "set free" I felt guilty the whole rest of this life when anything happened.  My friend told me to start reading all of Psalms.  I grew up thinking God was a vengeful God that took out our sins on us by punishing us.  Then, after the cancer, my pastor said that God was not a punishing God.  Well, it is too early for me to read Psalms again.  It scared me as much as some of the sermons preached in our fire and brimstone church scared me.  Sometimes I was afraid to come out into the sunlight.  Can we even wonder why people are talking out against Scientology?  I am not without sin, so I should not point fingers, but right now I have a beef with God.  I think he knows it.  Billy was the one who helped me with my faith.  All of these wars and rumors of wars were talked about in the Bible.  In the 1950's I was sure the world was going to end.  In the 1960's I was sure they were going to bomb Barksdale AFB which was within reach of all my family.  I won't lose my faith, it is ingrained into me as much as my DNA.  But, I am taking a break from some of the fear.  Big words, little mind, afraid of the dark still.  Never been alone.  I need big canisters of bear spray.  Probably another of my "going bear hunting with a switch" notions.  

And, that is something we all need.......peace.  Lovely Kay.

Kay, your experience does give us hope.  Memories bring pain right now.  Pictures hurt too.  I look forward to the time I can remember with a smile and see our pictures with a smile.  The pictures of him before I knew him, they make me smile, but recent ones make me cry.  I am so ready for it to evolve.  Just four weeks today though.

We have so much terrorism these days, it dawned on me that Debi, you live closer than we do to the disaster.  I know it happens everywhere, our 9/11, and these are unsafe times, but I thought of you Debi when I was reading about this.  We are, none of us, safe from these random acts of terror, and certainly we have enough in our life already without having to accept the delusional acts set off by this carnage.  Prayers for all the people in France and surrounding areas.  Stay safe Debi.

I had forgotten the song also.  I can listen to music from the 70's, all of it.  Clearance Clearwater Revival my favorites.  Forgot Tommy James completely.  It was my generation that went to the Vietnam war and should have come back and been as revered as "the greatest generation" from WW-II.  We had many that "took to the hills."  We were keeping an RV park for friends up in Jasper, AR in about 1997.  Some Vietnam vets still lived hidden in the hills.  One came down occasionally to shower in the park's stalls.  There was no soap and he came over to tell me.  I gave him a new box of Dial soap.  When he finished showering, he was so humble he returned the used soap in its box.  We lost a lot of good fellows that had to serve, that, at that time, were required to fight this war that the USA hated.  They are my heroes.  I think constantly about my grief and the suddenness of his passing, but everyone that died in our wars, in the Paris attack, each one had a family that loved them and there are so many that are grieving with us forever.  Does not lessen our grief, but I did not feel this way when my dad passed away.  His illness was so painful and drawn out that we just wanted relief for him.  These people that are losing loved ones to this senseless terrorism attacks, their grief has to be as horrible as ours.  I am selfish, I think of myself too much. 

Sometimes it is not just the weather.  Those four hats of Billy's that I talked to so emotionally earlier in the week, I was just going to the grocery store, just a mile or so away, and the sight of those precious hats have had me crying ever since.  Okay, must be like those crazy hormones that made us cry at anything when we were pregnant, only I think my hormones have gone, just like our loved ones.  Just crazy, stupid, forever more, cursed (and I could say a string of that) grief.  Damn grief.  

My son is a submarine vet.  I will try the "0" right away.  Thanks Kevin.

Kevin, my big opposition is talking to robots who are not there.  Then they give you up to 9 numbers to punch and the 0 is what you should have punched at the first.  I was so surprised to call our Group Insurance company (we both retired from the State of Louisiana, me from LSU and him from Dept of Hwys.  I was so surprised when I finally talked to a real person and they told me they had been informed of all the information and everything was taken care of.  If they removed his insurance payment from my next retirement deposit, it would be returned.  Best, easiest thing I have had to do with this "death" business so far.  Still, removing him from my Medicare or my insurance is just another sign that I am on my own.  So be it.  To quote John Denver (I think), "Some days are diamonds, some days are stones."  Only, our diamonds are just cut glass.  

I want to admit something about this "another day alone" topic.  My friend lost her husband in December.  She took care of him for a very long time.  Their relationship was like most relationships in that it was "not like most relationships."  We all had different stories.  The fact of life, or death, is that we were left alone.  In my case I went from Mama and Daddy's house directly to Billy and my house.  I have never been alone in 73 years.  But, my friend of many years said she sat down in front of his favorite chair after he was gone and told him all the bad things about their relationship over the years and then she told him about all the good things, and it was a number of years to hash over.  She was exhausted when she finished.  I talked to Billy's favorite four hats on the passenger side of the truck on my way to the "big city" from our little town.  I talked non-stop, even about the first terrible nine years, then about the years in between, about all he had done wrong, but most of all, all I had done wrong and in the end, in the past thirty years we had forgiven each other and he was my best friend.  I told him what a good father, husband and grandfather he was.  By the time I returned home, I was totally exhausted, but I was totally "talked out," no more to rehash.  We had forgiven each other any trouble we had caused the other one.  My big mistake was, each night I would go to bed and each morning I would wake up telling him that he was not here anymore and would never come back.  My friend said "don't do that."  So, I have started telling his side of the bed how much I still love him and that he will always be with me until the end of time.  That helped me more than telling him/myself that he was gone.  We all have to make a pathway through this canebrake of grief.  We have to knock down the trees, weeds, debris that gets in our way to make a place we can walk, a place we can breathe, a place eventually that we will see the sun.  No path is the same.  No method helps everyone the same, sometimes you meet an obstruction you just have to sit down until you are strong enough to get through.  I still have no answers.  I am still not strong enough to break through the obstruction, but I have a lot of "girlfriends" who have gone through this for a lot longer than I have, and I am hoping I can come out on the other side, like they have, but it has to be my own path, just like it has to be yours.  I talk big, but I have not even faced but one month tomorrow morning.  I am a fledgling.  I had Billy 54 years, and they were my life, he was my life.  Now I have to make a life, and it is not easy, but I see my two grown middle aged children hurting so bad too.  Billy was an exceptional person, losing him hurt a lot of people.

I dread Thanksgiving so much.  I don't dread going to Louisiana, I dread coming back to this place we lived in, the place he left me in.  I know he did not do it on purpose, I realize that, but I don't want to return.  I have to put the house on the market though.  Things I have to face and I want to hide under the covers.  I can physically do that.  What I want to do is just run, and I don't know where.  Besides, I cannot physically do that.  

I hate it too.  This is a club none of us wanted to ever join.  I was selfish enough to want to go first.  And, all of our feelings, yours and everyone's change at a moment's notice.. That is probably why they tell a person not to do anything for a year.  Right now, right at this moment, right at any moment I want to run, run, run away, anyplace that I am not there.  Of course, that is impossible.  

Brad, I cannot look at Billy's pictures yet without crying.  I hope that one day, I know that one day I will have them beside me where ever I go.  I know/I pray that one day they will give me some semblance of peace and not sorrow.  My daughter posts them on Facebook and I have to pull away.  It is so raw, so painful right now.  Not yet a month.  I was able to look at his 11th grade picture and smile.  I did not know that cute plump, blond, slicked back 56-57 hairdo boy.  But, I did love the boy in the picture without hurting.  Strange feelings happen.  Like the RVing that I so boldly planned that first week.  Those were "our" plans.  I cannot carry them out without him.  I know that would be too painful seeing the places we had planned on seeing again.  We always traveled to NM first thing.  My daughter recently moved there and thought I would enjoy coming.  I went out there on business one time, just my daughter and me.  Billy stayed here with our granddaughter.  I was miserable.  The places we enjoyed could not be enjoyed without him.  That is a strange phenomenon I have encountered.  I have never been alone.  Went directly from Mama and Daddy directly to Billy.  Now, in my second childhood, I am on my own.  Strange, scary, and empty.

My daughter is moving back to Louisiana from New Mexico, because Louisiana is "home."  We all need home.  She was crying last night and had to spend the night in a motel, her 2nd night on the road.  I hate that trip through Texas.  I do not hate Texas, I just hate the length of time it takes to get through it.  Billy was such a wonderful father and grandfather, it is hard on all of us.  We each share a big gaping hole in our life that is missing.  You are so right, one hour, one minute, one second.  The sun is out, she put the sunroof open a little to let the sun in.  She is better today for one hour, one minute, one second.  I have not cried yet today, but it rained so hard yesterday, it was so dreary that I know I added a lot of moisture to this house.  Right now I am going to see my neighbor Hettie.  I did not hear from her yesterday.  We try to keep in touch every day.  Her husband has only been gone a little over two years.  She helps me very much, but she gets down with grief too.  We all do.............anything to get through.  You are a wise man Brad.

"I believe, and this is observation and my belief, there is a big difference in sympathy and empathy."  My quote.  Whatever our belief, however, we feel, we all know grief now first hand.  Something I wish we never had to know.

When I had cancer and was worried about dying all the time, I would wake up at night afraid.  Billy would try to calm me, and this was thirty-three years ago.  The calming influence he had on me was great, but it got turned around.  His exact words I do not remember over the years, but the meaning was "Margaret, if you do die all your worries, your pain, your trials and tribulations will be over with and it will be your family that is left with all the grief and pain."  How right he was.  

However we share grief, we share all the pain that he was referring to the family and people that were left behind.  He also told me once, "whoever is left, must stay."  So, whoever is left must pick up the pieces of a shattered life and live somehow, someway.  Words are just words.  Grief is pain.

"One day at a time."

I believe, and this is observation and my belief, there is a big difference in sympathy and empathy.  I remember a lot of my friends losing their husbands to death and I offered them sympathy.  Now that I have lost Billy, those same women offer me empathy.  I accept it with an open heart and I love them for it.  I remember my aunt, who passed away at age 90, she had lost her husband of 57 years when she was 77-years-old.  I can never remember my heart being as open to her as it would be now.  She is gone, and I feel guilt, but at the time I understood sympathy, I did not understand empathy.