Margm

Billy waited for the Longmier (sp?) episodes to come to Netflix.  His favorite show.  He loved Chicago PD and Chicago Fire.  While he was sick, he slept.  He slept the whole six weeks he was ill, mostly always without anything to make him sleep.  They had found an aneurysm on the back of his brain, but felt it had been there for awhile.  He got to where he could not walk in those fast six weeks.  I got angry because I thought he was not fighting.  How I wish I had not got angry.  I was so frustrated.  He had pulled me through a long drawn out cancer fight when I was 39 and 40 and then last year a colon rupture with overall body sepsis.  He pulled me through them.  I wanted another miracle.  I wanted to save him but nothing I could do helped.  He could not/would not eat or drink.  We took him for saline boluses twice, actually in the hospital for the third when he gave up, or his body gave up on him.  I wanted to fight this.  I couldn't.  I am having the regrets stage of grief, not anger at him.  I wish my last emotion toward him had not been frustration.  He knew how much I loved him.  I watch Longmier now, without him.  It is an empty show.  But, I don't shake my head "no" often anymore.  I miss him so much.  In the end, I know I have to help myself.  My friends want me to come out and have dinner with them.  I am frozen though.  My sister wants me to come for Thanksgiving.  How can I leave the house.  I know I have to though.  I know we all go through this.  I will collect myself.  I will hit those stages of grief, all except anger.  All I can be angry at is cancer, and that is something no one can really help.  Strides have been made.  Good night.  

My friend Hettie's worse time is around the 5:00 p.m. time.  Right now my worse time is anytime I am awake, and sleep is so fitful.  Someone said this grief is exhausting.  It is.  Why can't we be so exhausted we sleep?  So, I guess trying to sleep is my worse time.  I don't want to think about him gone, and even though my granddaughter gave me a big, tall stuffed dog, and I put Billy's shorts and sleepers on him, I of course know Billy is not there.  We were never away from each other for 54 years.  My despair is no worse than anyone else.  My doc gave me papers that probably everyone already has, or Marty has posted.  "A long period of depression (not clinical depression), isolation, and loneliness happen late in the grief process, months after the tragedy strikes.  It actually is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad eight months later."

My mom never seemed to go through this.  She seemed "free" and was able to get rid of my dad's things easily.  She fixed up all the time, actually took up with a boyfriend from before she met my dad, but finished that because he put her up on a "pretzel".  My mom had a way with words.  Anger is an emotion also.  She acted like he had left her on purpose.  Another friend of mine did the same.  Another acquaintance started dating almost immediately.  I think my mother-in-law took up with the funeral director.  These are life's exceptions, some of them funny, some of them you just plain wonder about.  I guess it was their way of dealing with grief.  Maybe.

Billy told me he believed the one who survived should live.  I told him over and over I could not live without him.  The joke was on me.  I have to learn to live without him.  We have to learn to live for those that are left behind, just like we are left behind.  We cannot fail them by willing ourselves to die.  If we could, I think there would be no forum because we would have joined our loved one.  I have to believe that.  I must be here for a reason.  My son said "Mama, we don't want to lose you too."  Our children hurt also.  

Kayc, that makes sense.  Grieving is hard work.  That is why we are so exhausted at the end of the day.  Sometimes we "work so hard" sleep will not come.  Sometimes the exhaustion lets us sleep for a few hours but it is so annoying to wake up and look at the clock, still dark, "Oh no, I have to think, I don't want to think."  Good memories make me cry right now, because I cannot experience them again.  I look forward to the day I can remember the good times without crying.  Don't make plans for a year seems to want to drown me, but plans drown me faster.  Hettie, my neighbor, two years in a widow, tells me she cries ever so often, but not every day.  We take comfort in such different things.  She takes comfort in her big house.  I don't.  I want to leave, but thinking about where I will leave to is depressing also.  So we tread water. 

Debi, I know it is disrespectful to speak ill of your parents.  My mom had a few distinct peculiarities, some were good, some were fearsome.  For one thing, she had a memory that could quote all the things she learned in school.  She and I both are "back of the book" readers.  If I don't like how the book turns out, I won't read anymore.  If it is good, I read the whole book. (I have not figured out how to do that on Kindle, so I suffer through the whole thing).  That is one thing I want back, my concentration so I can read.  We belong to the Amazon "read all you want" club because Billy read 3-4 books a month.  But one thing my mama was/is, is a Christian who knew her Bible.  She had a tongue that could cut anyone's throat, and used it.  She and her brother picked up "shorts" on the church yard, so she smoked from before grade school.  She is 94 now, and still smokes.  She has Alzheimer's, and cannot use her legs, which is good, because she would walk somewhere and get lost.  My dad was a deacon.  Mama thought some of the women of our church, who came without their husbands, but were faithful Christians, she thought they should be deacon's also.  Daddy said women could not be deacons.  Mama found it in the Bible where they could.  Daddy could never win an argument so he put his hands in his pockets and would walk off whistling.  I cannot go and talk to Mama now.  Really, never could.  But, Mama has left me with lots of verses and passages in the Bible to live by.  My parents never were close like Billy and I were.  Neither were Billy's parents.  His parents never said "I love you."  Not even to the kids.  The grandkids, they did.  Times were so different for "The Greatest Generation."  Billy said "I love you" all the time.  That is something we all need to say, because especially right now, we all need the love we have lost.  So, I love you, all of you, and my heart is with you all.

I found out I did not need to go to a shrink.  Our grief is a normal thing that is not a mental condition, though it sure feels like it.  I need help sleeping and I need help with accepting what I have to accept.  I do not look forward to this life without Billy, but I will have to accept it.  Not sure how to do that.  I am very fearful, prone to anxiety, but I have my son here, I have my friends, and I have my kindred spirits on this forum who belong to a club none of us wanted to join.  Another thing Mama quoted "Be still."  Hard to do.  And Debi, I think my "be still" is what your mother taught you too.

Tejas, my Billy passed on the 17th of this month.  We had had 54 years together and when you lose your partner, you lose half your life.  It is like losing a part of yourself.  I don't mean to sound like I have things under control, I am still so far from it and don't know if I ever will.  Everyone on here has lost their partner and we all have holes in our heart and we all share grief.  I am still so new to this.  I had a flu shot today and accidentally went to sleep for a moment while watching TV.  All of a sudden he was back on the couch.  Then, he was not there and I cried and cried.  There are lots of tears.  Lots of people on here to help too.  And, lots of us have regrets.  I think that is part of the grieving process.  Our hearts are with you.

Okay, picked up the cremains.  Talked to him all the way home.  My son brought it out to the truck.  I fixed a place in the entrance hall for Billy and his brother Lonnie.  It was not so bad.  I have to remember, when we talked about this I was really expecting I would be the first to go, and I felt comfort about still being with him.  I will take that comfort now for him.  Some people would not do it this way.  My girlfriend takes her husband's urn with her to all the family gatherings.  Made perfect sense.  She talks to him still and it has been 17 years.  We go with what feels best for us.  I am okay now.  No, that is a lie, I will never be okay, but I sure am going to try to live because that is what Billy said, the one left should live.  Had a flu shot today, so I guess I have the 24 hour flu, very tired, going to bed.  Stuff to do tomorrow before the post office closes.  They stay open till 11:00 a.m.  Very small town.  I remember what my mama always said "peace that passes all understanding."  That is all we can hope for.

I am to pick up the cremains tomorrow.  Why am I terrified?

Strength Debi.  Do we ever live without regrets of saying something, doing something, not doing something.  I was told I had to forgive myself.  I think that is going to be hard to do, I hope you can do it though.  Maybe I can too, one day.

I will say that i went to  deposit money from an anonymous source, and that is how he prefers to stay.  He got to know Billy over the summer and they talked often.  I joined in with them and we had a lot of laughs.  He found out about Billy's passing and sent a very large donation.  I am not late with my bills, so I was not timid about telling them I might have to double up on my bills.  I knew I would get my check, and it helps, but Billy's is by far the largest.  And, do you know the doctor held of signing the death certificate until this morning, nearly two weeks later.  Office girls had just put it back and if the funeral home had not called them there is no telling when it would have been signed.  I had called them last Friday and they were going to "get right on it."  To tell you the truth, bills, food, living were the last things on my mind.  When this fellow would not let me pay him back, well I just got chills that would not quit.  It was almost like Billy talking to me.  Billy did not believe in supernatural things like ghosts, etc.  I sure wished he had.  I believe in all sorts of weird things.......except myself.  I think it is in Hebrews about entertaining Angels unaware.  This man was our Angel, and I still get chills thinking maybe Billy sent him.  Whether he did or not, I will pay my bills on time and the funeral home has the cremains and the death certificates.  Cutting his phone off my cell service was so traumatic.  Yep, some tears today.  But, I drove, and I even stopped at KFC, though could not eat much.  Time heals all wounds, so we have been told.  I somehow think this will be a large gaping hole in my heart forever though..............okay, I am feeling sorry for me.  

The anxiety is the worse thing to me too Janice.  Strange, if we had divorced I would be strong for myself.  Now, I am a puddle of rubber bones.  Good luck to us all.  

I am about to venture out to the city closest to us.  I will be going by myself.  I have Billy's three favorite hats sitting on the passenger side and I will talk to him while I drive.  I drove us home from the big hospital in Little Rock at night and he did hold on for dear life.  At one point someone had hit a deer and I ran over it, over a hill, and had to make sure it was not a person.  He just held on to all the things to hold onto while I drove.  I don't drive nights, this was night.  Mount Ida is a small village of 1000 people.  I don't do I-630, I-430, or I-30 very confidently.  He was so glad to get home that night.  Me too.  Well, I will venture on.

Janice, the anxiety is there.  I don't know how to deal with it either.  Some of my friends took to anger and I cannot do that.  My mom took to anger.  It is an emotion just like the panicky feelings we are having.  I have no solution, but I am going searching for one.  I cannot take antidepressants because of a colon rupture from the radiation I had for cancer 33 years ago.  I do not know now to approach all this, but I am going bear hunting with a switch, so to speak.  I wish we all did not hurt so much.  Someone mentioned loving so much being a curse when you lose that love.  It is a hard load to bear, but would not have missed it for the world.  We had someone to share with for a long time.  I don't know which path I will take, I am totally lost, but I am  going searching.  Hope has to be our reward sometime, somewhere.

Thanks Kevin, well, I would drink if my old woman's reflux problems would let me.  We handle things the best way we can.  I love all of you.  You are so brave and I hope I can be too.

This is grief.  I told a friend tonight, who lost her husband in December, and who has helped me.  She got married at 31.  She is my kids age.  I got married at 18 and cried for my mama when I was pregnant later in the year, first trimester, and I had the flu.  Last time I cried for her.  Now I cry for Billy, partner for a lifetime.  I get to do my growing up in my later years, guess this is my second childhood.  It does not matter how old you are or how long you were together, when you lose your life partner, your world falls apart.  I might need help because the terror/panic attacks seem to want to shut me down completely.  I am no spring chicken, but not ready to be the boiled old hen for Thanksgiving dressing yet either.  I will get it together.  We are all a work in progress.  (And, if I sound brave, I had 1/2 Xanax about 3 hours ago).

Marty, I have tried finding my faith.  I am a Baptist, but Billy and I did not go to church.  We were in nature in this beautiful state and always said we felt closer t o God in the national forest and the rivers than in a church.  I am going to read the ones above and if not too long, I will copy them because reading is hard right now.  I can write, but I have always been a writer and can express myself this way.  I feel like such a coward and know I could find peace as I did when I had cancer.  But that was me, and that was both  of us pulling together.  I do not want to put my grief on my children to worry about me.  Suicide is not in my mind, my kids would just have a double whammy and I cannot do that.  I am just not use to these terror attacks I am having and perhaps they are normal grief, but I never grieved like this before, not even for my father, though I had cancer when he passed and his was a long drawn out cancer fight.  My two best friends had cancer at the same time, we were young women.  They all passed away within two years and I had to seek counseling for why they were gone and I was not, when mine, at the time, should have been fatal, and why I was spared with Billy's help but I could not help save him.  It was like we were given two miracles and I used them both up.  I feel so unnecessary, but cannot  leave my grown children with the financial burden, though we have funds to cover everything and for me to live comfortable, but how can this be comfortable?  I am such a crybaby coward.

I was able to copy.  Thanks Marty.

I've got a doctor's appointment Friday.  I will request a shrink, I suppose.  I cannot be a burden to my children, but these panic attacks are driving me crazy, thus maybe a shrink.  Billy was always against psychiatrists, said I could talk to him.  Eventually, I could.  Now I cannot.  He does not answer.

Being older, ours was "Until the 12th of Never."  He wrote that on a big sheet of paper and I have it right behind my computer screen on the wall.

Oh, I  have thought that I would have preferred losing him to a divorce.  At least then the hurt could turn to anger and he would be alive.  My mom acted like she was "free" when my dad passed.  She became very possessive of everything, it was "hers" but we were not  trying to get it.  My mom, sometimes I am sure, did not play with a full deck, but all we heard was how she had to quit a job she  had just got a promotion to and had to start taking care of him.  My son said my dad died with a smile on his face because he was so glad to get away.  She has Alzheimer's now and thinks she had two husbands.  She outlived him 31 years.  Marriages are all different, but I see the grief expressed years later on this forum.  I am happy to have had a loving marriage, and I cannot get angry at anyone but myself, but I can see where my mom's anger made her survive so long.  But, at what cost?

I have mentioned that  I felt like an unanchored ship adrift and unable to even see land.  One of my friends, who lost her husband in an explosion, said after over two years she felt like she almost had an oar in the water.  This morning I received a card from another friend who lost her husband a couple of years ago and she told me that nothing but time was going to help me.  She said she would go outside in her yard and pull weeds all day to keep from being in the house.  Also my neighbor helps me the most.  She still sleeps with her husband's rolled up sleeves shirt.  I have all Billy's clothes and houseshoes on his side of the bed along with a lifesize dog that my 16-year-old granddaughter gave me and she calls it "Daddy Dog."  Billy was the only daddy she ever knew and he loved being teacher and grandfather/daddy to this beautiful child.  We all just hurt, all of us, all of my family, all of the people on this grief forum.  I guess there is no medium feeling to any of us, we all just hurt, and I hope time can alleviate some of this hurt for all of us.

Unfinished business........Thank you Kevin.  You have helped me.  It is unfinished business for Billy and me too.  Not going to worry about any different plans.  

Butch, I know it was hard to fight.  I find myself thinking it would be so easy to let go.  I have mentioned that I used to read the romantic tragedies of people married so long and dying within hours of each other.  I noticed he did not say much.  Finally, after reading a few he let me know he thought it was up to the one left to go on with their life.  My son told me last night, we could not lose you too Mama.  And, I see what Billy meant.  We have to go on for the ones that are left.  Even if they are grown with families of their own.  Sometimes I feel my worth was only being his partner, his wife, his best friend.  Going on with a life without him seems unthinkable, but he always was smarter than I was.  You made it through, you could have given up but you made it through for your son and your grandchildren.  It has not been two weeks for me, sometimes I forget I have to carry on and just want to dissolve into the atmosphere.  Our 54 years together gave us two children/grown now, three grandchildren and three great grandchildren.  It is hard for me to carry on without him, but I have to, just as he would have had to carry on without me.  I wish you the best of health now, and like me, we have to learn to take care of ourselves.  Our mates cannot do that anymore, it is up to us to carry on for the family that we made together, just as your family that you and your wife made together.  Feel better my friend.

I know it is too early for real plans.  Thank you all.  One thing I never wanted to do was be a burden to my kids.  Our son has lived with us most of his life when he was not  married.  He is on VA disability, 100%, but has a girlfriend.  He does not live with her or stay with her all the time, but I don't want him to be burdened with me.  There is nothing that takes away the grief this early, maybe never, but if I was in any way unable to take care of myself, I would go into assisted living.  I know what Billy would do if it had been me go first.  I know he would grieve terribly, just like I do, but he would get in the RV and live.  I have been so fortunate all these years.  This is the first major grief I have had to go through and if I live long enough I might have to go through more.  I am such a coward, but I am going to have to try to do what Billy would have done if I was the first to go.  I know that would be what he would have wanted.  We did discuss it, but not about him going.  I was the one who had two major illnesses, but he pulled me through them.  I could not pull him through, I tried.  My son said he had a knock-out punch he could not dodge. My kids hurt terribly.  He was such a wonderful father, husband and grandfather.  

We know we have to move on.  It has not been two weeks yet and I think about going "home."  Billy and I were wandering people.  Our roots are embedded in the red dirt of northern Louisiana, Webster Parish.  We wanted to travel by RV.  I don't think we are supposed to make plans yet, but I hear footsteps behind me and I am not wanting to run.  Billy always let me make the plans.  He just always went along with them.  One moment I want to go back to our "home" state, but he would really have been against the city living.  I don't care for it either.  We discussed if either one of us was left behind, the other would travel by RV.  Right now though, all I want to do is get away from "here" and that means where ever "here" is right at this moment.  I think they tell you to wait a year.  In one year I will be reduced to five pounds of flesh having to swim in this sea of tears, and I cannot swim.  We neither had feelings for this house other than as a place for our granddaughter to have a "normal" growing up life.  She hated this place though and wanted to live in a big city with her mom, which we accepted and made plans to leave this house.  Now I want to leave, but I just want to leave period.  I don't know to where.  He is not here, he will never be here again and I have to shake myself and say that.  I was granted fifty-four years with my best friend.  I have to now make a life alone.  How do I do this?

Neighbors - generational.  I think you hit the nail on the head Debi.  And Brad, I would have done the same as Deedo.  Now to the neighbors.  I am some older than the majority of  you.  We lived in a small papermill town.  Our land where our house was built used to be my grandfather's land.  All the land around us used to be his, most neighbors were relatives or relatives of relatives.  We had a big front porch, red porch swing,  and what they called, back then, a "picture window."  No one hid behind curtains.  My dad played all musical instruments and, bless his heart, (southern, I know), tried to sing.  He did okay.  Every Monday night we had his country music get together's and all the neighbors (no air conditioning) had their windows open or sat on their big front porch, or out in the yards, or on our porch.  No TV.  All of those reasons together produced neighbors, neighborhoods, and friends and relatives at your door.  Someone passed away and you did not have to cook for days.  

I do not watch sad movies.  I do not watch reality shows.  I do not read epic novels.  People tell me "that's life."  I know, I live life.  We all lead epic lives.  On one good note.  Some of my faith has returned, even without Billy prodding me.  Oh, maybe he was, but this time I prayed to God for some rest and this is the first time I got about eight hours sleep..  Maybe I have had a break through.  Life is not all about me, but the sleep was very nice.  

I might add, the sleep came along with the Tylenol PM, but I have been needing sleep aids for years.  Billy did too, until about March.  Even if we had known about his illness back then it would have been too late.  i can take some comfort in the fact we did not know, so he was able to sleep without worry for awhile.