missing rick

Thanks for both of your replies - I knew that in my heart but sometimes feel so torn about what I should do. I know that I am still his "little" girl and that he feels he has to watch out for me and my family. Rick was very close to my dad, and dad told me he is having a harder time with Rick's death than my mom's, probably because of the age difference. I know there will be a time when he will be gone and I will miss him so much - maybe I am afraid of becoming too attached and hurting the same as I did for Rick. Does that make sense - nothing seems to these days. I have switched back to my old effexor maybe that will help as it gets into my system. While going off and onto the new one, it was as if I had gone right back to the days after Rick's death - eight months on the 18th but seems like 18 years. Thanks for caring Jane

Hi Everyone I'm hoping that someone will have some advise for my problem. My mom died Aug/05 and then my husband June/06. My dad has tried really hard to support me but I am feeling overloaded. I don't think he has really dealt with the loss of my mom and is very lonely. He has really cut himself off from everyone but my sisters and I and my kids because they live close. My only nephew lives too far away. My dad has a very grumpy exterior but is so soft inside. I think he is very depressed and just plain lonely, but so am I. He is 78, I am 55. He thinks he should advise me on everything I do, both financially and personally. He gets mad if I don't get out and when I do he gets mad also. I think it's because I can't include him in everything I do, to be honest I don't want to. My kids think I see way too much of him and think that he is trying to become their "father". I know he just cares about me and wants to "fix" things for me so it will be ok, but I told him he can never "fix" things. I do love him and think maybe I should put up with this as life is too short and I don't know how much longer he will be here, but it causes so much more stress on me than I need right now. My kids also need me, I well remember how I felt when my mom died, of course I was grieving for her and also my husband at the same time as we knew he was dying just 1 month after her death. I don't know how to please everyone???? Any suggestions ??? An example was this past weekend - my daughter and I decided to go explore the ice roads ( for those who don't know we live in NW Ont, Canada and the lakes freeze quite thick- enough to make roads and to drive big trucks , plows etc) Dad had told us he wanted to watch curling. He was very angry when he learned that we had been on the ice, but we knew we were safe and had a full tank of gas, were just a call away from friends and my son who was at our cabin and had 2 cell phones with us. He was very angry and cranky and words were exchanged between my daughter and him. He left without eating dinner and now wonders why I haven't called him. I really don't know what to say to him. It's his crankiness I am having a hard time with. Jane

Dear Trudy I too cried as I read your brother's tribute to your mom. My mom died Aug 15/05 just two days after the wedding of her first gandson. She was diagnosed with cancer at the end of June and was determined to be at that wedding - she forced those "ensure" down even when she couldn't eat. At diagnosis she was only given 6 weeks. My sister bought her a beautiful dress to wear and my other sister took pictures of her in it. Unfortunately she didn't get to the wedding, my dad and I stayed home with her - she had just started to have morphine and was pretty unaware of everything around her. My nephew and his new bride came the house after the ceremony. I knew they were coming and tried to wake her. When they came in she opened her eyes and said "oh, for goodness sake" and smiled. They were the last words she spoke. She closed her eyes and never woke again. My cousin took video of the wedding and the next day we all sat there watching the video and talking about it with mom even tho she was not "awake". I think she heard all about it and felt then it was ok to leave. She died early the next morning. I wish we could have done something like your brother, but she was still here. Jane

Dear Haley When my husband Rick died almost eight months ago, he wanted to be cremated and that is what we did. The crematorium divided his ashes so they put part in an urn, which we placed in a columbarium at the time of his death so that we would all have a place to visit and they gave us the rest. He wanted the rest scattered at our cabin on the Lake of the Woods as that was our special place and we spent all of our free time there. I wasn't up to it last summer as he only died in June and I couldn't bear to go there at all. I have 4 small containers, each different, one for my son, daughter and me, and also a small granite one with an eagle etched on it for us to keep at the cabin. This summer I hope to place some in each container and let the rest fly like the eagle I feel he is. You see when he was dying, I asked him to show me he was ok after death. Eagles were important to us as we spent so much time at camp, they sat in the tree just off the end of the dock. Just after his service at the columbarium, an old friend pointed out the eagle that was circling during his service and then again at home, my son and I saw him circling the reception in our yard. I saw many eagles with me this past summer as I learned to do things I had never had to do. The eagle will be more special now to me,not because I think he is an eagle, but I feel it is his way of showing me all is well for him and will be one day for me. I hope my story can help you. We are lucky to have this site especially if we have nobody else that has been through what we have. You can say what you feel here and everyone understands and you can feel their compassion and love. My love to you now Jane

Dear Kellymarie I just read your post from Oct when you were at 7 months..you really inspire me. I am at 7 1/2 now and have yet to feel what you did, but your post gave me the courage to keep on going no matter how bad I feel now. You are the light at the end of the tunnel I was looking for!!!I understand from reading further down that you are experiencing a roller coaster ride of emotion but isn't that to be expected. At least you have seen what your life can and will one day be like. Thank you for helping me Jane

Dear Starkissed I too put on a different face with family and friends. I didn't want to have them worry about me, when I felt they had enough just dealing with Rick's death themselves-even my kids, I didn't want them to see me cry and upset them. The worst for me was my dad, because even tho I'm 55, I am still his "little girl" to him and he thinks he has to fix things for me and make it alright. It was wearing me down and making everything worse for me and I was advised that It's OK to let people see how you are really feeling, especially your children ( mine are 27 and 30). If you don't they begin to assume that you are ok and ,the worst expression ,in their minds "over it". I have explained to all of them that I am not over it and never will be. In my own way, I will have to work my way through this nightmare, and also I have learned that it will happen in my own time. Hope you are feeling better about things, I realise that your post was from Dec, but couldn't help replying. Jane

Hi All I too found a bunch of vhs tapes Rick had made from about 1990- 95, we probably then got a digital camera. He made many movies with the digital pictures set to music, they are wonderful to have, but I found someone yeaterday who will put all my vhs tapes on dvd's and I will never lose Rick's or other important people's voices. I have left his voice on our cell phone and do call to listen to it ofter. I do wonder if that is fair to our friends and family who call me and get his message, but I think I'll leave it there a little longer. My prayers for all of you making this journey, that we get through in one peice. Sometimes I think not Jane Sorry , this person will also do beta tapes for those who are old enought to remember them and also the original "movie "camera films. I am having him redo our wedding (1971) and also a tape my sister had made of our families memories (on beta) from 1950 -1970. I am looking forward to seeing these as I also lost my mom 18 months ago. How time stands still, I feel it was just yesterday. that's all for now - everyone be gentle with yourself tonight Jane

Hi All My problem with fitting in is that I just don't know where I belong yet. Rick died in June and since then I have been so lonely. Only one of my friends has lost a spouse and is therefore the only one who really understands how I feel. I asked her what she did about the "couples "thing, when all your friends are together and you are there alone? She said that she simple avoids couples - her husband died at 49, all most 9 years ago. We are both 55. I don't think that is the right answer but I don't feel comfortable together with our friends for two reasons - I feel like I'm the fifth wheel ( I know they don't want me to feel that way and have said that would never be the case) and also when we are all together I find myself missing him more than ever and looking for him amongst them - like do you want to leave yet, want another drink or just exchange glances over something that has been said that we may have had different thoughts on. After 40 years you are able to pretty well anticipate what your spouse is thinking. I miss that. I am also bad and realized how much so when a close friend called this morning and told me her husband's mother had died early this morning, and how badly her husband was feeling. This man spent time every chemo session with us, and was always there for Rick. He grew up with Rick, they shot their first moose together, they went to school and lived in the same neighbourhood. He was in our wedding party -then they drifted apart as he joined the Mounties (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) and they lived in the western part of Canada. They became close again when Greg retired and moved home to Kenora. Rick was the Welfare Administrator and Greg came to work with him as a fraud invetigator - anyway the thought came to me that I did not appreciate at all what our fiends were also going through with Rick's death - I felt so selfish, thinking of my self and my kids and what we were feeling - forgetting that others were also feeling lost without him. She made me realise this as she commented that Greg was just beginning to adjust (don't know if that was the exact word)or come to terms with Rick's death and he must deal with his mothers. Just letting the guilt out....any ideas about the "couples" things, I don't want to spend all my time alone and do enjoy their company. Jane

Hi everyone I sounded bad earlier this afternoon but I am a little happy right now. A man just called to tell me that he can convert all of our home made vhs tapes to dvd and also a really old one (dating myself with this) beta tape my sister had made of our family from mom and dad's wedding in 1950 to 1970 - the year before Rick and I married. This was just pictures set to music, but haven't seen it for so long it will be nice to see it again, especially with mom now gone. I remember the Christmas my sister gave it to me, I sat and watched it, tears flowing - thinking of the day perhaps that one of us wouldn't be here. With Rick's videos I think they only last from 1990 to 1994,that's probably when we got our first digital. he made many dvd's of special occasions, all set to suitable music with our digital cameras --very special to have now. Also his voice will now never be lost, as it is on all the vhs tapes. Maybe now I can take his message off the cell phone. I couldn't do it -- just didn't want to lose that voice. I still call it over and over just to hear him. On second thought may not change that yet, but is it fair to friends to call and have him answer?? Who cares, I am beginning to think of me - my grief group leader says be gentle with yourself, maybe it's time I took her advise.\\ More good news, my son just called as I was writin this and he passed the first part of his next flying course. He is going for the multi-engine and instrument rating. Before he can take the flying part he had to taken a written part and that is what he passed - his exam was today - now he can put in the flying hrs (the expensive part) but he is proud, I am so proud of him and Rick would also be as he really wanted Kelly to continue his flight training. I think he must have been with him today - I talked to Rick about it last nite. Definitely feel better - I think I will even go visit some friend who are fishing in their ice shack. Hope that every one gets a pick me up today like I just did. Prayer truly does help love Jane Something funny - when I called the ice shack people I asked if they knew the dvd guy and if his wife had died. I thought maybe she had but didn't want to say the wrong thing when at his home yesterday - they asked if I was "interested" in a new man - I started to laugh as that is the last thing on my mind - I still want Rick - and don't think I could go thro a loss like this again - does show how little they understand tho, you can't replace your husband like you might your dog, with a new puppy.

Hi Marie This past little while I am feeling as you do I don't want to be repetitive, just look under Dereks topic about the light and you will see what's going on with me. The grief support group does work , Marty's on line bereavement course is terrific, I have a councelor but my memory is so bad at this time, I even forgot my last appointment, I "TALK" to Rick and to God everyday. My mind does know all these things but my heart is slow catching on. I am wishing the best for you as we all know what it is like and have all been there Take care Jane

I am also glad to see that there can be light - I was starting to feel better but was on anti-depessants and the dr decided to change them and now feel that I am back in the hell where I first started. I have only been on the new ones for a week, and am worried that the side effects are bad now, how will I be when my dose it upped and I know he will do that as I as on the lowest posible dose. It has been 7 1/2 months and Marty told me that this is when some of the numbness and disbelief that this has happened to you start to wear off and reality sets in - maybe this bad time is partly that, partly the med change, my total lack of sleep -maybe 2 hrs a nite, and just that I still can't believe he is gone. My house is so lonely, just me and the dog, yet I don't feel comfortable with my friends who all still have their husbands/wives. They try to understand and always want to include me but being with them hurts as it makes me realise I am alone now --make any sense? They would be hurt if they knew also that I feel like a 5th wheel. I also miss having somebody here to talk to about all the things we used to talk about. I do talk to his picture but would like an answer every now and then..I know I sound crazy but that is how I'm feeling this past week. I don't know if the meds are doing it but my feet and ankles are so swollen it hurts to walk. Thanks everyone for caring and I am truly happy for those who are coming out of what I call that dark never ending tunnel Jane

You are all welcome to come to Canada - it is beyond belief the medical coverage and expenses in the US. My daughter had a boyfriend from Montana and his mom was left owing $85,000 when his faher died. It really seems unbelieveable to me that this goes on. There must be many who are not able to get the presriptions that they need just to survive. What about the elderly, is there any kind of coverage for them drug wise - most have some kind of a medical condition I'm sure.

Thanks Rick for responding. I hope that in time I will be abe to go there to spend some time. I did go the week after Rick died, but it was too hard as we had been spending as much time as we could there, knowing he was so sick. We were there 3 days before he died - we just came to town for his eprex shot and intended to go back out right after, however the wind came up and I suggested we stay home until Monday, after Father's Day. He agreed and thank God he did as he died on Father's Day. Rick had not felt too bad on the Wed and gave me my first boat driving lesson. When we went out the next week I went into the bedroom and all I could see was the "sick" Rick lying in the bed. His clothes that he had just worn were there and still smelled of him and I just had to leave. A major thing for me was driving on the ice road this winter (our camp is on an island about 20 min from town, so the only access is boat in summer and ice road in winter).I know that he doesn't want me to mourn him long but I just can't let go yet. If you look in the memory board spot you can see the poem he picked for his obituary and it is so him. He was a humble, fun loving man and enjoyed his life. At 57 he wasn't ready to die, and even tho I could see him going I tried to pretend it was ok. He'd say not to worry it was just a bump in the road and we'ed get through it and that it wasn't his time yet. The doctors were all surprised when he died -it wasn't expected yet - he had stage 4 lung cancer and had only just retired three months before we knew he was sick. I'm glad that you enjoyed going back to your special places after your wife's death. MA part of my problems with lonely weekends is that all of our friends are out there and I don't really know where I fit in now, and besides it hurts too much not to have Rick there with me, I also feel so envious that they still have each other and ask why did this happen to us ? It is always supposed to happen to someone else. That sounds terrible but I really feel like that sometimes. Sorry to ramble and thanks for caring enough to respond - it does help to have someone listen. Jane

Thank you so much Marty for the site you gave us. I went right away and lit one for Rick. You can email your candle to someone so I sent it to my sister as she was very involved in Rick's illness and grew close to him. Today I recieved a surprise, she had gone there and lit one for me, and emailed it to me. Thank You so much. I'm sure we all appreciate your kind and caring ways Jane

To Lorikelly I don't yet know how to reply to you without this quote thing appearing but I know how you feel about being sad and crying i did too, but I made myself listen as I said I just put that one song and let it repeat all night - I have trouble sleeping - and I cried my heart out, but after getting all those tears out I could really listen and appreciate the song. Now I gives me peace and HOPE that he is around me and that I will see him again for he really is just a breath away literally. I understand completely about your mom as even tho I am a "grown-up" supposedly I lost my mom in Aug /05 just 6 weeks after her diagnosis. She wanted to die at home and between my sisters and my dad we made it possible.It was only a month after her death we learned that Rick was sick with the same horrible disease (cancer) and he was 57. Mom was 75 and she was ready to die, she truly felt she was going to a better place, her only fear was what kind of pain she would go thro to get there. She died so peacefully and pain free but I cried gallons of tears then and after Rick died in June/06 I didn't know who I was crying for,my mom or Rick or myself to be truthful. There were so many times I needed her during Rick's illness and felt so alone. You are not feeling crazy but I think sometimes we have to not avoid the things that make us sad - just cry and release all those ugly pent-up emotions, cry, get in your car and scream at the top of yourlungs (that is what my support group leader did when she lost her husband 12 yrs ago and she had 4 teenagers at the time - I think they were 13,15,17,18.-what an age for her to lose her partner in raising these kids - but she did it and I know that if she could , we can do all that we need to do also. It was worse for her because her husband died of a rare stomach cancer and died within days of finding it. Her children also had to be tested and both of her boys carried the gene - one actually had cancer cells so they had to have their stomaches removed right away. Her brother in law also carries the gene and could get this at any time. I think he must have also had his stomach removed as did his daughter. She says that now she can feel some good come from Larry's early death (45) because it prevented deaths of her children, bother in law and niece. They didn't know that this gene was in their family. Sorry to ramble on but once I get talking, someimes I can't stop. It is so great to have this spot where some how talking to peoplewe don't really know helps - I hope both of us - will pray for some healing for you from your grate sadness with love Jane

Hi Janine I have been taking anti-depressants (paxil) since my mom was diagnosed and died Aug/05 and they did help but unfortnately I had to change to a different one (effexor up tp 225mg) last Feb as we realised my husband was also dying and the paxil just didn't do it for me. He died June 18/06 The worst about anti-depressants when you have been on them for awhile is the slow withdrawal needed before a new one can be started and then a slow proceedure deciding the dose you need of the new one. Again I am having to go off the effexor ( quite qickly from 225 - none in two weeks). I started my new ones - they are the older style nortriptyline a week ago and feel like I am just at the start of my grieving process all over again as there are virtually no drugs in my system right now. I was wondering if I really needed them and now I see what a difference they really do make. I can't sleep - I think I have had 6 hrs in the past three days. I don't feel dopey or anything, but I am sooo tired and my eyes hurt. I don't know if I will continue on this particular drug as it gives me terrible nightmares when I do sleep. I see my Dr this week and will decide then. I'm not trying to discourage you from taking anti-depressants, when you find the right one it makes all the difference in how you feel. I thought I was seeing a small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. It's unfortunate when you have to begin all over on a different drug. Wishing you all the best, I'll be praying for you Jane

I,m glad that some of you are familiar with this terrific song. It says everything to me and lets me know that I will certainly see Rick again. Those who have not heard this song check out the website and do have kleenex ready. You are right tho reading the words doesn't have the same impact as Josh'e voice. Enjoy!! Jane

How many of you have heard of this song or have listened to it. I play it over and over - just set my computer to replay. I have cried many tears during this song, but now it gives me great peace to listen to it. It makes me feel that Rick is not so far away and that I will certainly see him once again. Please try it, I hope it makes you feel better also Jane

This is to honor the life of my husband Rick, who I still can't believe is gone. Rick died of lung cancer - stage 4 with mets to lining of lung and some bone. He died 8 1/2 months after diagnosis. There were no signs that he was so sick until the middle of Oct when his one lung kept filling with fluid and he had to keep draining it. He became short of breath after that but he still had no idea he was as sick as he was. When we knew he was dying, I asked him if he could would he give me a sign that he was ok and truly in a better place. We both loved watching the bald eagles at our cabin on the lake. At his service a friend commented to me about this big bird that was circling over us.I said to my son Kelly, in tears, how much I wished it was an eagle for it would be my sign. He said but it was, just an immature eagle who had not yet "earned " his white head and tail feathers. This same eagle appeared at the gathering in our backyard after the service and circled until Kelly and I noticed it and then it left.I think he was so new to heaven that he had not yet earned his white feathers. I truly believe that it was Rick telling me all was well and the way he was soaring he was pain free. I had several more eagles with me during the summer as I learned to do things on my own -such as highway driving. Never did I drive,Rick always did when we were on the highway. This is the verse he chose, even tho he thought we wouldn't need it for awhile. I'd like to share it in his memory. We called him "Big Dog" and his closest buddy is our dog Zack, a bearded collie - like the shaggy dog. They were always together and Zack liked nothing better than to lay on his "Big Dog's" lap - he weighs 64 lbs.. Miss Me, But Let Me Go When I come to the end of the road And the sun has set for me, I want no rites in a gloom filled room Why cry for a soul set free? Miss me a little, but not too long And not with your head bowed low, Remember the love that we once shared Miss me, but let me go And when you are lonely and sick at heart Go to the friends we know And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds, Miss me, but let me go. We will love and miss you "Big Dog"......until we meet again

Sorry Peggy, I just reread what I had sent you previously and see that I was "quite" repetitive. I guess that is part of the need to tell your "story" Will try and make it MUCH SHORTER NEXT TIME".. told you I was having MEMORY PROBLEMS. Good thing we can laugh at ourselves sometimes--your friend Jane

Dear Pebbles, I too am new here. When my mom was diagnosed she was given 6 weeks to live and wanted to die at home. She was determined to live the six weeks as my only nephew was getting married Aug 13/05 and she was determined to be at that wedding. I wonder sometimes if it is better to know in advance or to have a sudden death where there is no anticipation. I know we cared for her - my dad, me and my two sisters. One was not able to do as much as she wanted because of the wedding. It was very difficult to see her become frailer each day and the day she first had to use her "depends" a kind of diaper tore my heart out. She did not make it to the wedding, she was just too sick and she died at home peacefully the day after. We did have a wonderful chance to talk about her life, if there were things she regretted and would have changed, how much we loved her and how she would never really leave us. She was so strong- I only saw her cry once in that 6 weeks. She totally believed that she was going to a better place. I am grateful for the time we had with her and the things that were said. Even if you can't be there in person you can always call him. Your dad knows how much you love him and how you would be there if you could. I lost my husband to cancer 10 months later. He was diagnosed one month after my mom died. I began grieving for him right then as his cancer was stage 4. That anticipatory grief is so hard especially because you don't want them to give up what hope they have. My husband was so hoping for a few more years. This time tho made our marriage so much stronger, we talked , remembering the good and the bad. We were married for 35 years and he was 57. I was and still am totally devastated not knowing which to grieve for. I should stop babbling and just tell you enjoy what time you have with your dad - you still have time to make more meaningful memories and you won't regret things were left unsaid. I'll be thinking of you and your family Jane

Dear Kellymarie, As I am new to this site I have been wandering around it and was lucky enough to have found your wonderful video of Josh. It seems that he really lived his life to fullest and enjoyed every minute. My son Kelly is one year younger than your Josh and lives with the same zest. When we used to tell him to slow down (between 15-19) he would tell me life is meant to be lived. You are indeed lucky to have had a man like Josh in your life. Some people aren't that lucky. I was one of the lucky ones too and I felt cheated to lose him at 57. My prayers are with you. Jane

I am very new to this site and have been reading a lot of back topics. I just realized how lucky I am living in Canada. Here you must take out mortgage insurance when you get a mortgage so that if either one dies the mortgage is paid out. We have no medical bills or drug bills, they are covered by the province you live in or in our case by Rick's retirement benefits until he was 65 ( he was 57 when he died june 18/06.) After age 65 you are covered by the province - I think the most you pay is 4.11 per prescription. As Rick's widow (I hate that word) his work benefits apply to me for 2 years and as I also retired from the same place, my own benefits kick in then . I kept his for 2 years as they were better than mine. He was management and I wasn't. It really upsets me that so many of you have to worry about money at a time like this - there are so many other things to look after - like how to continue living. My thoughts and prayers are with each of you and I sincerely hope that things work out for all. I can't imagine coping with mortgage, hospital debt etc. Are your credit cards insured? or lines of credit? car or truck loans? I know we bought a new truck last Dec (05) even tho we knew the truck would outlive Rick - he was not eligible for insurance at that point because of his cancer, but I now receive his Canada Pension and that covers the truck and insurance. I guess that I am very, very lucky. Jane

Thanks for answering me, atleast I know that I am not so alone in this. It has only been 7 1/2 months but seems forever. My friend that lost her husband in 1998 said she just avoids situations where there are only couples - yet I don't think that is the answer either. My kids are also grown and on their own. My son, Kelly, is a commercial pilot so he is not around much- besides lives with his girlfriend. He is 27, my daughter, Carey 30 , lives only about 50 miles away . in winter she has been coming home on weekends, but in summer only gets one day off a week. I feel that she thinks she has to babysit me. She came to town today and dropped off her little westie but went home. She ,too, has her life to live. I don't like her travelling in the weather we have. It is 34 below with wind chill of 48 below. I will be thinking of you Jane

I find that I don't know what to with myself or where I fit in on weekends especially. We (now I ) have a cabin on Lake of the Woods (Ontario). This was our special place - we could only use it for weekend or vacations as we were both working. We did all the finishing work together - it was just a special place for us - beautiful sunsets etc. Two months before Rick was diagnosed he retired and we were so looking forward to spending all of our time out there. It is only accessible by boat and it was just 3 days before he died that he gave me my first boat driving lesson. I could not go there this summer. I did once and his clothes were still there and still smelled like him. We had been staying there since end of Apr as spring came early this year. Rick died June 18/06. I have been there by ice road a couple of times, once I just sat in the truck and cried , listening to Josh Groban - To where you are - a wonderful song if you have not heard it, try it. My son and his girlfriend do use the camp and I went there for a few minutes on New Years Eve - I cried all the way home - they were having a party as we would have done if Rick were still here. My main problem is that I can't bring myself to go and stay there - all of our friends are "lake " people so they are out there. They try to include me but I find it difficult because when I am with them it makes me realise that Rick is really gone and not coming back. It makes me envious that they are still living their normal lives and I don't have one. I also feel like the 5th wheel. I am 55, have no life and not seeing much light at the end of the tunnel. How do you all cope with this??? I have only one friend who lost her husband and one of our best friend in 1998 - age 49_.She is the only one our fiends who understands how I am feeling through the last 7 months, the rest are thinking I should be "coming around by now". I hope they don't feel this endless pain for a very long time, but then they will realise what it is like. Thanks for listening to me Jane