missing rick

Lori, I'm from Canada, we buy these cheap "cottage candles" from Canadian Tire. They are amazing for the length of time they burn - maybe the cold air helps them burn longer - they are about 6" tall and maybe 3" wide. Jane

I am from a place where it is cold in the winter. This won't work if you are not. Our city of about 16000, have a Christmas ritual of placing ice candles at the cemetary on Christmas Eve. You can make them yourselves or purchase them. To make them you simple fill a five gallon bucket with water and leave over night. Then pour hot water over the bucket to loosen the ice that has formed and remove it from the bucket by tipping over. Poke a hole in the top, which was the bottom in the pail and pour out unfrozen water. The candles we buy last for three days. The cemetary is then a beautiful and peaceful place on Christmas Eve. This past year there were over 6000 candles.Our cemetary is at the bottom of a big hill so as you drive down you feel the whole effect. We, as a family, have been doing this since it started here - grandparents, aunts and uncles and last year my mom. This year it was also for my husband Rick. It is a beautiful sight and does give you peace -- just a thought for next year if you live where it goes below freezing. Jane

Laurie, I am new to this and have been reading different posts and thought I would reply to this even tho it is old. My husband, Rick, died at home the way he wanted on June 18/06 of lung cancer at 57. The day before he died he asked me to lie down with him for a while as my arm around him gave him comfort. He had a lot of pain as his cancer had spread to his bones. When I lay down he quietly said that there was someone else in the room with us. At first I thought he was hallucinating but he said no he just felt their presence. I asked who he thought it was, God, my mom who had just died Aug/05 or his grandmother who we called Nana. He said he didn't know, he just felt someone there. I think it was someone to take him to heaven - you see he died early the next morning. When my mom was dying I asked her to please send me a sign that she was ok. She had great faith and truly believed that she was going to a better place. She loved loons and as she took what was her last breath a loon called. We went to our cabin a few days later and there was a loon swimming far from shore. I was crying and asking for my sign - telling her she seemed so far away. I got up and moved to a different spot on the lake - all of a sudden this loon popped up right in front of me and turned to face me. Her words came into my head "here I am" and I laughed out loud. I know it was her for if it had been me thinking I would have said" there she is". I also asked Rick for a sign - he knew about the one from mom and at the cemetary during his service an eagle circled overhead. We had a small service with only invited friends ( he was humble and never wanted a big fuss) any way when our guests were sitting in our back yard the same eagle circled our yard just until I had seen him and then left. I know it was the same one because it was a young one and it's head and tail feathers had not yet turned white. My kids who are grown laugh at me and say I have made grandma a loon and dad an eagle. We used to spend a lot of time watching the eagles in a tree just off of our dock. I truly believe that those were signs that all is well with both mom and Rick and that I will see them again. I wasn't really religious before my mom's illness but I have changed. I talk to God each night just like a friend and ask for his guidance and strength to make it through this and to show me a reason for me to still be here. Rick and I were married for 35 yrs and together for 5 before that. I am only 55 so that means I have only lived 15 years without him. I hope that sharing this will make you think about the afterlife. I believe it with my whole being. I don't think I could go through this if I felt that I will never see them again. I believe they will be in a different form as they have left their bodies here on earth but they will be waiting for us and we WILL recognise them. I'll be thinking of you. I hope you do recieve this - I'm not so sure on the posting Jane

Dear Walt, I am new to this and I only joined 2 days ago so I don't know your age or the circumstances of your wife's death. I just lost my husband Rick to lung cancer 7 months after diagnosis on June 18/06. I miss him more than I can ever tell you. I'm sure you know all of those deep feelings. I understand why you felt this person was replacing their husband but I think that she is just in a different place in her grief then we are. My ultimate goal I think is to heal this deep pain I feel and to for me find a reason that I am still here. We,I have been told, all heal in different ways and in different amounts of time. Personally I feel that you never "get over" your loss , that you just learn how to live with it your way. I came to this site because I need a place to express how I truly feel. A lot of my friends seem to think that I should "be over" it by now and don't really want to talk about it any more - even my children seemed to have moved forward better than I- one is 27 and one 30. I am learning however that a loss of a parent is much different as I lost my mom on Aug 15/05 and at that time thought that it was the hardest thing I had ever dealt with - she was 75 and died six weeks after her diagnosis. The dealth of Rick is so much more difficult for me than that of mymom. I am 55 and we had been married for 35 years and together for 5 before that - he was with me for 40 of my 55 years and I can't imagine a life with anyone else or one alone either. My future looks pretty bleak right now. I don't think you need't apologise for your feelings because that was how you felt and you are free here to say what you are feeling without being judged. Personally the way I'm thinking now is that I would never want another husband because the pain of losing one is so great. I realize also that a new husband would never "replace" Rick and that age wise I could never have the history and the great amount of memories that we shared with anyone else. I feel that I have met you now and hope that you will forgive yourself for your comments. Iam so new that I don't know if this will get to you. I hope it does. Jane

Dear Brooke, I have just read your post and I don't think that you should doubt your progress in your grieving. I live alone - my kids are grown - and my husband died 7 months ago also. Your friend has no idea what your grief feels like as she has never been there. It is so easy for some to judge when they have no idea how you are hurting - they still have their partner and their life goes on as usual. Your child is way more imporant than any housework or laundry - it will always wait for you. I started writing in a journal when I get frustrated and it helps. It doesn't matter about spelling etc as it only for your eyes. I don't cook much any more either and I don't know how old your child is but most kids are happy with some fruit or veggie and dip. When you are feeling better you can start cooking again - be gentle with yourself. After your child is in bed, forget the housework tomorrow and have a nice soak in the tub and relax. Take care, I care Jane

Dear Doublejo, I feel so much for you. I thought it was bad losing my mom and my husband with in ten months- hadn't really started grieving for my mom (she died 6 weeks after diagnosis Aug 15/06 and I was devestated) I thought that I would never feel worse than that and then a month after her death my husband (57) was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I didn't know where to begin, I was trying to grieve both at the same time. Rick died June 18 /06 - it was father's day (hard for my kids) and his brothers birthday. I cannot imagine losing my new husband, father and mother in such a short time and you were still probably still mourning for your first husband as well. We would have been married 35 yrs one month after Rick died. I am 55 and I must admit that life feels pretty bleak to me as well. Have you tried a grief councillor or a grief group? I use both of them and felt some progress but seem to be really backsliding right now. I took a terrific course on line at selfhealingexpressions.com. They are very caring and helpful. You didn't say if you are working- that can also cause you extra stress - I have decided not to return until I am ready when ever that will be. One thing our grief group leader says is to be gentle with yourself. I am not apprehensive at night, I just can't sleep. Please know that I understand and care about how you are feeling. Sometimes just knowing that someone who you don't even know cares, can help. I hope that tomorrow will be a little better for you. I'll be thinking of you Jane

This is my first time on this board and am a little nervous. I did respond to Peggy because I can relate to her. My story started with the diagnosis of my mother's cancer end of June/05. She chose no treatment and died with six weeks at home. She had had a melanoma on her leg 8 years previously and it returned in her lung and liver. I was devastated and felt that this was the worse I could ever feel. She was accepting of her death and was ready to die, she was 75. My sisters , I and dad cared for her at home with the help of comcare - a community group that care for people, not just with cancer, but that want treatment at home and not in the hospital.It was very hard to see her wasting away and the first time she could not get out of bed and had to use her "depends" a kind of diaper i guess, it tore me apart. One month after she died, Aug 15/05, my husband Rick went to the Dr. for a completely different thing but was given a chest xray and a month, Oct 28/05, later was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer--it had spread to the lining of his lung. We knew that meant he would die from this but were hopeful that chemo would buy him a little more time. His chemo Dr. had a patient that lived for 4 years. We never asked how long, I guess we didn't want to face that fact and lose any hope we did have. The cancer had also spread to his bones in a few spots. His first 5 chemos were bearable for him and for the last two weeks of every month he didn't feel too bad. This chemo was changed as it didn't have the effect the Dr wanted. The next two chemos were tough. He couldn't really eat anything for at least 5 weeks. He was 57 and when he looked in the mirror said he looked like an 80 yer old man and he did. I knew how sick he was getting but he kept saying that this was just a bump in the road and we'ed get through. I kept my thought to myself, I couldn't take his hope away. He said it couldn't be his time yet--he had so much yet to do and didn't want to leave me. He tied so hard to stay but he died June 18/06--father' day. He died at home after just speaking with me a few minutes before. I was expecting that we would have to go through everything we did with mom so it took all of us by surprise- even his Dr and chemo nurses. I knew he was dying when I looked into his eyes,I got in bed wih him and held on so tight, I thought maybe that would keep him with me. I thought that I was coming along as well as I could expect. I was doing all the right things--had a grief coucillor, attended a support group and took an excellent course on grieving for the first year on line. My mind understands that I'm doing what I,m supposed to do but my heart doesn't. I am going through a bad period now I had been on an anti-depressant and had to change. This means a tapering off (actually quite quickly - 2 weeks to go from 225 of effexor to none) and then start a new one, slowly of course. I have only had the new one for less than a week but it gives me nightmares. I am back to crying all the time -I just feel right back at the beginning. The future seems endlessly bleak and it's hard to live alone , as I had never done it. Rick and I were married for 35 years and had been together for 5 before that. I am only 55 and feel so little hope for the future. I know that we all grieve differently and don't like to talk to my family, 2 kids, 2 sisters and my dad. They are also grieving the loss of two very important people. My dad feels especially bad because he thinks dad's should be able to fix everything for their kids. I really need to come to this site I have read some of the postings and you all are so understanding and caring. My support group only has 2 more meetings and only one of my friends has lost their spouse. I feel that only those who have gone through this truly understand. I hate it when people say they know how I feel but they can't possibly. I just smile and tell them to enjoy every minute they can wih their spouse while they have them. I don't want any of them to join this "club" for a long while. They are the ones who say you should be over this by now. They will one day learn that the hurt is too deep and that you do not get over it but have to work and find your way through. Your way, your time not anyone elses. Sometime it feels that the work is just too hard. Thanks for listening to me Jane

Peggy, this too is my first time on...I was sitting here last night at 1:30 unable to sleep also. Ilost my mother to cancer Aug 15/05 and then my husband Rick was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It came completely out of the blue. He was at the doctor for another reason when he coughed and they wanted a chest xray. That was Sept 20/05 the day after his 57 birthday. It took until Oct 28 for a final diagnosis. He began treatment but died June 18/06 about 7 1/2 months ago. I too am living alone for the first time in my life. We had been married for 35 years but together for 40. I have 2 kids but they are on their own. I am struggling with grieving for 2 people as there was no time for me to grieve my mom when he got sick so soon. We knew he was dying but hoped for a little more time together. I too thought that I was coping but it was anti-depressants, which they have just changed, slowly off one and slowly on the other. I have only been taking the new ones for 1 week so of course feel no difference. I cry so easily and get embarrassed. I have not yet been able to return to work. My mom chose to die at home. She only had 6 weeks after diagnosis. Those weeks were pretty intense. I did return to work part-time but since the day Rick was diagnosed I haven't been able to go back. As for cooking, most of the time I just don't bother...lean cuisine isn't bad. I also have 2 sisters and my dad, so am invited out a lot.I am feeling everything that you are. Have you gone to a grief support group, I am and it really does help. There are only four in our group all at different stages and different deaths. Our leader lost her husband at age 45, 12 years ago and was left with 4 teenagers. I figure that if she can do it so can I. I also have a grief councillor, she is great and it helps to have an unbiased person to listen to you talk. Family is ok but they are also grieving themselves, and in their own way. I have learned that we each do it in our own way- there is no right or wrong way and no time limit. I took a course on line at selfhealinghealingexpressions.com called the First Year of Grief: Help for the journey. The author of the course emailed me with some advise and it felt so good that a stranger would take the time to do this. They are a very caring and loving website. I too still feel so lost and alone but she expalined that this is because you don't just lose your husband, you lose all your hopes and dreams that you two shared, your identity as a wife, and so much more. I don't know if this helped ou but I do care about you and understand competely how you feel. Don't you hate it when those who have never experienced the loss of spouse say they know how you feel or aren't you over it yet!!! They don't know that you are never over it, you just have to go through the stages of grief and learn to live with it. I still think to my self , oh I have to tell Rick this when I get home, but now I do--I talk to him quite often - for me this helps, and I have never been a religious person but after mom got sick, then Rick I became one and feel that prayer does help. I don't say formal prayers, I just talk to God like friend who is always with me and ask for his guidance to get through this time and to show me a small glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.I will be praying for you. Jane