missing rick

This is a beautiful poem, my husband picked it for his obituary. When you really read the words they say so much to your heart. Thanks for sending it. Jane

Hi Everyone, It's been quite awhile since I posted but have been reading regularly and am so sorry that we have had to welcome so many new people to this road we are travelling. To those who are new I lost my husband Rick 18 months ago to lung cancer. He was 57 and I was 55. We also had been together since I was 15 and he was turning 18. We would have celebrated our 35th anniversary one month after he died. I miss him more each day, but am trying to remember the healthy Rick and be thankful for all of the good times that we had. Christmas was more difficult for me this year than last - I had no interest at all and didn't even put up a tree. We had presents etc at my son's new home - starting to try and make new traditions. I was off work since the day he was diagnosed but returned this past Sept, just part time and have found it really good for me - it gives me a purpose for each day. I am a bank teller so I have to see a lot of different people each day and that helps. I think this is a prayer I found on the internet somewhere, and have found it very helpful: Help me learn what I need to learn, heal what I need to heal, accept what I need to accept and change what I need to change, so that I can become the person I was destined to be I sincerely hope that as we start this new year together, we all become stronger and that we can learn, heal, try to accept and change the things we need to so that we all can start living our lives the best way we can. Best wishes to all Jane

Walt, I am sorry, I didn't mean for you to doubt yourself or question whether your dear wife would have lived longer if you had been more positive. My mom was only given 6 weeks at diagnosis and Rick was never given a time frame because we didn't want to know but he was stage 4 at diagnosis and died 10 months later. I don't know that I believe that if I had been more positive that there could have been a different outcome for either of them. I am just grateful the The Secret has given me the ability to stop dwelling on all the bad feelings that I was having ( not even wanting to be alive) and has let me see the real possibilities that lie ahead for me, and wanted to share that with everyone in case it could be the same for someone else. It feels remarkable to not be searching for a dim light at the end of the tunnel, but to be standing outside of that tunnel, in the sunshine and appreciating the world around me again. I never thought I could feel this way again. Love Jane Maylissa I'd be glad to chat with you more about this when you can. I hope you have a great trip. Lake of the Woods is beautiful--the water was really low this spring but we have had plenty of rain and is perfect now. We have a camp on Queer Island - don't know if you ever were out that way. I struggled all year with going there but am able to now - just need to perfect my boat driving abilities??? love Jane It really is a small world isn't it??

Hi everybody, it's been a while since I've been here. June 18 was the first anniversary of Rick's death and Aug 15 will be the second for my mom. I was wondering if any of you have read The Secret?? This book has made an amazing difference in my life and how I now look at things. The Secret is about the universal Law of Attraction - if you think in a negative way that is what you recieve back from the universe and if you think in a positive way and are grateful for what you have and what you will have you recieve postive thoughts and experiences back. I think that the Law of Attraction first tried to come into my life in Dec when a friend gave me a gratitude rock - you are supposed to keep the rock in your pocket and when you touch it during the day or when removing it from your pocket it reminds you to be grateful for something in your life. At that time I was grateful for nothing - we were facing our first Christmas without Rick, I was so lonely, wondered why I was still living, crying all the time - things were very dark. I thought it was a nice thought but put it away in a drawer and felt I had no use for it. Then in Feb this book was featured on Oprah - I was watching it but not absorbing what I was watching and vaguely remembered the title or the show when my sister purchased the book for me for my birthday in May. She had not read it but had heard about it and gave it to me almost apologetically, thinking maybe it would do me some good. I thanked her but thought I would probably never read it but I started to look at it when I got home and I read the whole thing in one night - pretty good as I haven't been able to concentrate to read for 2 years. It started to completely change the way I was looking at things. I realized that I probably hadn't had a positive thought in 2 years, so when I knew I was feeling sad and lonely I instead shifted my thinking to Rick and how grateful I was to have had him in my life for 40 years and began to be thankful for all the good memories instead of concentrating on the bad stuff. Pretty soon I noticed that I was using this more and more and my life was becoming brighter and brighter, more good thoughts kept coming to me. I never knew that my thoughts and feelings were so powerful, that I was the one writing the pages in my life's book. I realized that there was indeed a life waiting for me to live and enjoy - I feel so empowered, that I CAN do anything, BE anything or Have anything in this life that I want, if I continue to live positively and continue to be grateful for the things I have, did have and will have. I can't believe I am writing this to you, I never thought I would work my way through this difficult grief process, I never , never thought I would be able to say I FEEL good about my life again. This does not mean that I don't miss Rick and the life we could have had , I love him more than ever and am not looking for another to "replace" him with, it just means that I can shift my thinking now from negative to positive and be happy once again and enjoy all the world has to offer. My other sister read this at both my mom and Rick's service but it means so much more to me know that I finally understand: You can shed tears that he is gone Or you can smile because he has lived You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back Or you can open your eyes and see all he's left Your heart can be empty because you can't see him Or you can be full of the love you shared You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday You can remember him and only that he's gone Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back Or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on I know that I will one day be with him again, and I know he wouldn't want me to be the way I have been for the past year - he wants me to live my life to the fullest and with God's help (to me the universe is God) that's what I'll be doing. Hope something in this can help all who are hurting as I was love Jane

Hi DaisyB I understand exactly how you are feeling. Right now I don't even feel that I am a part of the human race. I lost my husband of 35 years (tho we were together for 40) 10 months ago to lung cancer and my mom just 10 months before that also to cancer. I didn't have the chance to grieve for mom as I had to be there for Rick. I still have my dad and two sisters and my mother in law does try hard, but she is missing Rick as well. Last night she accused us of keeping them in the dark about how sick Rick really was - we didn't of course, he was not expected to die when he did, and that I should have put him in the hospital and maybe he wouldn't have died so soon. He wanted no part of the hospital and was still driving the truck and the boat and we were spending time at our cabin on the lake until the day before he died. (at home). We have 2 kids, both are grown and on their own (one 31 and one 27) so I spend a lot of time by myself also, with my dog as my best friend. I may as well be "retired" as I have only worked 2 months in the past 2 years - between my mom's death and Rick's diagnosis, and really have no desire to return to work. My family is after me to so I won't spend so much time alone, but I just don't feel ready. One thing I have decided to do each day is something big or little to make someone else happy or at least smile - I made this decision last week and have managed to stick to it - although today it just made my dog happy to go for a run in the park and get his feet wet in the lake. I miss the daily contact with Rick, someone to talk over the day's happenings, watch silly tv shows (American Idol) with , someone to eat with, etc. Our "couples" friends - some have disappeared - the others I still find it hard to be with, because they are couples and have each other, and I am trying to meet new single people but it is hard. I am not looking for a partner either, just people to do stuff with. It is nice to find this site and to make friends with others here, because no matter the loss, spouse, parent, sibling, pet they have all felt the same as we do. I'll be thinking of you, Jane

Thanks Annie O I know you are right my daughter is hurting too and when we talked later she told me she was just trying to help me and that she only wants her old mom back, the mom she could always count on. She told me how much it hurts her brother and her to see me like this, not trying to live my life and that it wasn't what her dad would have wanted, and I know that but I just can't seem to get on with life - I miss him too much. Thanks for your concern, that's what I love about this place, there are truly caring people here. Jane

Thanks for your reply Marty - you are right it does seem like a double loss for me - and it does tear you apart when your child is hurting so bad and you can't fix it. I now can understand my dad's frustration with not being able to "fix" me after Rick's death. Sometimes I just wonder if I will ever make it to the end of the tunnel. My councelor says be patient with myself that I was with him for 40 of my 55 years and I am expecting too much of myself - yet my daughter and I had a huge argument today because she feels I am not moving on with my life and it is making it harder for my kids - they feel responsible for me and feel they have to come to town to "babysit" me - that hurt because I felt she was coming home just to spend time with me - some times I don't know if I am coming or going (crazy). I don't know if you read my post about my friend who said my dog was not welcome at her camp, so I stopped going there but did try to explain to her about my dog and how important he was - she turned the whole thing about my feelings around and made it about her and told me she wasn't prepared to go down that road with me (my emotions). I tried again to explain that it wasn't about her at all but just how I was feeling - right or wrong - but she didn't reply. I sent her an email today about Bailey's death and she just emailed back and said she didn't feel I needed to communicate with her again, that she would hear about whatever was happening from someone else. I really do feel so alone, missing Rick more each day. My daughter told me I had to stop making this "all about me". I don't feel I am doing that at all - I just don't know how to go on without him. Jane

Hi Every one, I am having a very bad day. You all know that I lost Rick almost 10 months ago now but I really need him today. Yesterday my son and his girlfriend saw their year and a half choc lab killed by an idiot driving a snowmachine at 80 mph on the ice while they were ice fishing - he was simply showing off. There were also small children there that could have been hurt. Kelly and Ashley treated their dog like their child and are devestated - me too, I was her Grandma. Bailey was special to Rick also - we have no grandchildren and he knew he wouldn't live long enough to see any but was so pleased to be with both of our kids when they got their dogs. Bailey was born the day he was diagnosed with lung cancer and they picked her up just 5 days before Christmas - she was a gift from Kelly to Ashley. I miss him so much and don't know how to help my kids - Rick would have known just what to say - I hate being the only parent - I want to fix it but I can't. I feel so alone. Thanks for listening Jane

Derek I am dreading my anniversary and it's not until June 18. One thing we did at our grief support group when it ended was to write a message to the one we lost on the balloon and then set it free. Your son might enjoy doing that - just a suggestion. I'll be keeping you both in my prayers - love jane

Thanks Spunkye and Kayc I think that I will be grateful for the good friends that I have and just let this one go , it's not worth the emotional upsets in dealing with her. I feel sorry for her when her day comes to deal with the loss of her husband - he is older than her and really not in the best of health. She is very opinionated and sees things only her way - the tough part is that we were all part of a group of 10 who did things together on the lake. I think that I will just avoid the group gatherings and see the others on my own. Kayc you always give good advice --thanks for listening. Spunkye, I am so sorry for all the turmoil in your life in dealing with your husbands children. They seem so selfish. Do you have children of your own? Thanks both for the encouragement - I wish that friends did not have to be an issue at this difficult time in our lives - sometimes I really think that they just do not know how to respond.. with love Jane

Thanks Kayc That was just what I need to confrim that Rick is still a part of my life even tho his body is not still here. I talk to him daily and know he hears. Thanks for caring for all of us - you always inspire me when I read your posts - you seem so wise id the work of dealing with our grief THANK YOU Jane

Dear Doubled, It has been 9 months for me and at times I still feel the pain I felt at first but it doesn't last quite as long. I still miss Rick every minute of each day and feel that I always will. We were married for 35 years but I had been with him for 5 yers before that - that means I have only been without him for 15 of my 55 years. He was my rock, my safety, my everything and it seems impossible to go on without him and to find "my" place in this world and my reason to go on. Do your kids live with you, if so you are lucky, mine are gone from home and my house is so quiet and lonely. Instead of writing to him, I talk to him every day, telling him what is going on with me and the kids etc. I feel better then because I believe he really is beside me, I just can't see him, but he can hear me. I also lost my mom just 10 months before Rick and hadn't had a chance to grieve for her when I started grieving for him. I think I started when he was first diagnosed (one month after mom's death) as he had stage 4 lung cancer - he was 57 and jsut retired. We had such great plans for the future, then everything changed. Marty has a great course on the first year of grief - you should check it out at selfhealingexpession.com. It truly is a great help. I am so sorry for your great loss, please keep coming back, it helps to talk to others who are in the same shoes. with love Jane

I have been having a hard time for the past few weeks and haven't even felt the strength to respond to anyone. It was 9 months for me a week ago and I am still really struggling to see where I fit in - especially with our "couples" friends. A few weeks ago I had taken my dog Zachary out on the ice road to visit some friends(??) when they told me that he was no longer welcome at their camp, they were making it dog free. This really hurt because it felt like they were telling me that I was not welcome either, so I stopped going there. They know how important our dog is to us and how close Rick and Zach were. We called Rick "the big dog" - everyone did. I discussed this with my councellor and she said maybe I should try and explain to my friend why Zach was so important to me at this time. To me he feels like my best friend, the one who is always with me and seems to understand that I feel bad. He never judges but loves me uncondionally. He is also a great tie to Rick. I tried -by email-yesterday because I figured I would just cry if I saw her in person and I really wanted to explain what life was like for me now - the emptiness, loneliness etc. I really "bared" my soul to her which was very hard for me to do and I recieved a curt email back saying that it was too bad that I felt the way I did but "that she was not prepared to go down that road " with me. By "that road" she explained it was my emotions. I didn't want her to take what I had said personally because that was not what I meant, I was only trying to explain my feelings so I emailed back and tried to explain but I guess she is not interested and it HURTS. She was angry when I said that I thought I might need to find some new friends (who are single and have experienced loss of their husband and who completely understand where I am and where I am coming from). I didn't mean to leave our old friends completely but what she doesn't understand is the pain I feel when I am with them because HE is not there - it just isn't the same anymore and I am not the same either. She is constantly after me to have a drink because it'll make me feel better - I am on medication and shouldn't drink and don't want to anyway - she says just go off the meds for a few days and it'll be ok??? After Rick died a friend of my mom's whose husband had died gave me a book my mom had given her and it says that this break with friends often happens and I thought to myself how that would not happen to me but it is and I am feeling so lost - I know they haven't had the same experience as me but I wish they would just "get it". Sorry for rambling but I needed to get rid of these rejection feelings - any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated Thanks Jane

Dear Ellejaye I agree with AnnC the loss of a spouse whether you are young or older is just as devestating. I was married for 35 years when Rick died in June/06 and I felt like my world ended - and to be truthful still do a lot of the time. I also felt cheated that he had died at 57 when we were looking forward to our retirement and grandchildren, and just being able to spend time together. Try talking to some of the older women in your town and you will see they are experiencing the same emotions and are on the same emotional rollercoaster ride as you are on - they may be able to help and by sharing stories you may start to heal together. Even at my age (55) I find it hard to relate to friends - their lives are all continuing as usual and mine isn't. I don't know where I "belong" either - they all make me welcome but being with them just reminds me that Rick isn't here and I feel envious. People say "make new friends" but I don't want new friends - I don't want to belong to a "widows" club yet - I hate that word. This is a wonderful place to come because people are at different stages in their grief journey and have wonderful, caring advice. When I first started here I read and read a lot of the old posts and found that everyone feels pretty much the same things, maybe not in the same order and that it is all part of working THROUGH your grief in your own time and way. I don't know how to stop feeling sad, my heart feels like a hard little ball in my chest that feels nothing. I keep praying that that hard little ball will break and that I will find enjoyment even in simple things like a sunset, seeing a deer, or a fresh snowfall. I ask God to let me see at least one thing each day that will make that day worth getting up for. I sincerely hope that things look up for you and that you can find an end to your deep sadness. with love Jane

Dear David Please keep writing, you express so well what we all are feeling or have felt. Thank you! I am so very sorry for your great loss..love Jane

Hi Kellymarie You are making progress - look back over the past year and see how far you've come, all the things that you have accomplished on your own - especially making it through this "first" year. I'm glad that you were making plans for "the" day. I'm not looking forward to mine and it's still 4 months away- I'm still trying to figure out how to go on alone after having Rick in my life for 40 of my 55 years. Last night was the last of our grief support group meetings and we all wrote a message on our own balloon and went outside and let them fly up. They looked beautiful floating upwards, in a light snow, beside the steeple of the church where our meetings were held, I hope Rick got his!!! Don't let your friend get you down, I'm sure that she really didn't mean to hurt you, as you said she hasn't been there and really doesn't understand. I have friends my age who don't get it either- only one of my friends has lost her husband, and that was 8 yrs ago (at 49). I'm ashamed to say that I really didn't get exactly how she was feeling either at the time her husband died. I also think that with my friends being in their 50's and some 60's it brought home to them that this could also happen to any of them at any time and just how short life can be. Keep your chin up and be proud of your progress..we will all be there with you in our thoughts on March 5th Jane

Hi Kellymarie You are not alone. I had to buy a sympathy card the other day and ended up buying three - one just for myself because I liked the verse - I'm sending it to all from me with love LET THERE BE MEMORIES- fond recollections of special occasions and everyday things. Let your heart start on its journey to healing by feeling the comfort remembering brings LET THERE BE MEMORIES pictures, mementos, and favorite stories both funny and sad Let your mind wander the paths of remembrance, reliving the joys and the good times you've had LET THERE BE MEMORIES signs that our loved ones remain near in spirit long after they're gone... tender, surprising, heartwarming and welcome - sweet proof of the promise that love will live on Thanks to all on this site for the caring!!! Jane

Dear Lori You have every reason in the world to post here - you are part of this family of grievers. The advice you have offered has always been appreciated, and you should not feel bad that you are in a bad place right now and are needing some support right now. Were you taking something else before effexor or is this the first? Sometimes it takes a while to get into your system and maybe your dose is not right. How often does your Dr see you to see how it is affecting you? I was on effexor for a year and it was suggested I change, not by my DR but from a psychiatrist so I did to the medication from hell. After only 2 weeks I quit taking it, I had tremendous nightmares even tho I was only sleeping for 2 hrs a night, and I cried all the time just as tho Rick had just died. I am having a bad time today as it is 8 months today. I am back on the effexor and have started to feel more positive. Since Rick died I have gained about 30lbs - I always have been an emotional eater - and with nobody else in my house I just ate what and whenever I wanted. I had no desire to cook a meal for one and craved sweets. I don't believe it was the effexor because I had just started to look after myself more, was eating in a more healthy way and was losing weight and starting to feel ok with myself before the med change. I threw out my scales and decided not to even look at my weight which would only depress me more and to eat better. After taking the new meds, I was right back to the old way of eating and am struggling with it now. Your company is coming to see you, not the condition of your house, so don't waste your time worrying, maybe your husband could help if you feel it is really bad. Treat yourself to something new to wear, you've earned it, most of all just enjoy their company while they are there. You are so lucky to have your terrific husband with you. I think you know that I lost my mom and then 10 months later my husband. I'm glad I had him to help me with the loss of my mom but would give anything to talk to her about the loss of Rick. Good luck with the effoxor but as my Dr constantly reminds me, it is not the thing that will "fix" you, it sometimes just makes the rollercoaster ride a little easier. Hope I have helped a little, I care about you just as everyone else here. Love Jane

Hi Walleye I'm sorry to be so late in responding to your post. My husband Rick died after 35 yrs marriage. In total we were together for 40 of my 55 yrs. Your mom is feeling a devastating loss especially after having been together for so long. I understand your loss also as my mom died 10 months before my husband - spousal loss and parental loss are so very different yet equally painful. Your mom is lucky to have all 6 of you - I have 2 children - and this is the first time in my life that I have lived entirely on my own - probably your mom's also. We all do what we have to in order to get thro this terrible time. I still sleep with the pjama bottoms my husband was wearing when he died - every night!! I also have a little ritual when I go to bed, a light a candle, turn off the lights and talk to his picture about how I am feeling about his leaving, what my day was like and about our kids and what is going on with them. It makes me feel that he is a part of my life still and that he is still "there" for me. Your mom may do many other things or may continue to go to the cemetary as maybe that is where she feels closest to your dad. We all go thro this in our own way, including you and your siblings. It will be 8 months for me on the 18th. Hope this helps you understand a little about how your mom feels and that it is all "normal". My love to you all Jane

Hi Annie I'm glad that sharing helped you and that we were all a part of that. That's why we are all here, to try our best to support each other. I'm also glad of the good dream you had of your mom - I told you she was proud of you. I sincerely hope that today will be a better day for you. Remember we are here when you need us.....much love Jane

Dear Annie It did take great courage to share your story with us and I hope it gave you a great feeling of relief (like taking a big boulder off your shoulders)when you did. Maybe the fact that you can share with us will lessen the stress you feel and maybe even some of the anger - just being able to truly vent about what is and has happened. I admire your strength and ability to forgive your dad and care for him now that he will really need you. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love die slowly, both my mom and husband Rick died of cancer within 10 months of each other. I think that regardless of the circumstances your parents raised a very loving and caring daughter and your mom would be so proud of you. Praying for you tonight and all through your journey Jane

Hi Lindsay I'm sorry your boyfriend has let you down. He sounds very young and has probably has not yet experienced how devastating real grief feels. You are not being negative, you are just feeling all of the normal things we all have felt as we go through this grieving process. Keep coming back here for support, I have read many wise posts and all from very caring people who understand your feelings. Just reading the posts can help. with love Jane

Dear Bob I am so very sorry for your great loss. My children are around your son's age, 27 and 30. I lost my husband of 35 years to lung cancer in June/06. I well know the numb feeling. The people on this site are all very caring and will help you so much - even if you don't want to post you can just read what others are going through and have been thro as we are all at different stages in our grief process. You can learn a lot here - especially that there is no right or wrong way to grieve - only your way, and you can vent here and say whatever you like, however you are feeling and we all understand. Marty has a wonderful course on the first year of grief at selfhealingexpressions.com called The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. I took it and found it really helped me. My prayers are with you and your family tonight and always. Jane

Dear Chrissy I can relate somewhat to what you are feeling - mine will be 8 months on the 18 - I can't believe that 8 months has passed, sometimes it feels like time has stood still and I'm back in June, but sometimes it feels like it's been 18 years on my own. I have had to do a lot of new things also, things that Rick always did - I feel stupid to admit it but I had to call the furnace repair guy and it was just because I didn't know I had to clean the filter. He was really nice and explained how and when to do it and gave me an extra filter but I felt so dumb,,,,sometimes I think my kids don't give me enough credit for what I can do on my own. I feel they think they have to babysit me and I hate that. My case is different because my kids are grown and do not live with me, but this is the first time in my life I have had to live alone. I have a nice neighbour (78 yrs old), who shovels snow and likes to cut my grass. Marty also told me that this period of time is when it really begins to sink in that they are not coming back. Our brains knew that but not our hearts. When you feel dicouraged just look at all you have been able to do on your own. I believe that we are stronger in so many ways than we know. My mom always told me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle,and another thing she always said when I was having a bad time was"this too shall pass". I believe that as time passes and we realise just what we can accomplish on our own we will begin to know just how strong we really are. My love to you Jane

Thanks Marty, I really hadn't thought that he may be concerned about the possible loss of one of us and I should have as my son at 18 put my car through the ice (being foolish as one can be at 18 and thinking himself invinsible, as well as partying the night before). The circumstances of us being on the ice road were so different than when he was there. Thanks for pointing that possibility out to me. This is realy a great helping site. Jane