DawnG

I do the same thing too, I put on songs that will make me cry so that I can let it all out.

Thanks Shell, It's amazing how strong we are when we think we would be at our weakest.

It's been 12 weeks today since mom died. I still miss her as much as I did the day she died. It's still hard to think of life with out mom, even though I've done it for the past 12 months, I think her strength is inside of me because I never though I would even make it this far. This picture of my mom and I with Nate my nephew was taken a few years ago at one of Nate's ( my nephew ) games. She always wanted to be "fat" again. She hated being thin. The picture won't attach but you can see it at my blog http://dawngilson.blogspot.com/

I think the song by martina mcbride says it all, it's called goodbye.

Ya know, I have to tell you that I have been going back and forth with my faith, sometimes I think God he/she is up there and guiding me but other times I wonder why the heck he took my mom from us. other times I talk to him and thank him for helping me get through it, so I'm struggling like you. I just don't know anymore about anything. sorry I couldn't be of more help

Hi everyone, I've been absent from the forum and absent from my therapy appts. I moved and got into a car accident last saturday. I really miss my mom, she would have been here to help me, to take care of me and she's not any everyone is acting like I'm a pain in the ass for asking for help. I wish she were here, I'm crying so hard right now and haven't cried for her in while. I've been so preoccupied by life I feel like I'm letting her down by not going to my therapy appts. But i know I'm just letting myself down but I don't want to be happy right now. I want to be sad and angry and just blah. God I want her hear with me right now.

Hi Angel, Sorry to hear of your grandmothers passing, grand parents always have a special place in our hearts. My grandfather past away about 14 years ago and my grandmother is in an alziemers home. It's hard when you lose the person you looked to the most. Even though you had hard times she still was your grandma, and you know what? She always will be, she'll be around you guidiing your through life. Think happy thoughts and take it one day at a time, one minute at a time. It's hard but it does get easier so "they" say. Keep your chin up Dawn [attachmentid=160] my grandmother

shell, Isn't it amazing how affected we are by our pets. I treat mine like they are my kids, my cat captain was my non human rock. He got sick again the same time my mom did. I always thought they were connected some how.

Hi Grief, I guess there is just nothing that can really help until you let it help. I know for me, I don't want to be happy then I won't be. I hate it when people say it's been 2 months get over it. and I say to them, lose your bestfriend, fater and mother all in one and then tell me that. My mom died @ 61, I'm her baby 37, she has a great grand kid on the way, I hope she knows that up there. Seems like we have 2 things in common, loss of a pet and parent. Thanks for the post.

thanks for the note. I have 2 dogs and 2 cats still, so they help alot with the grief of losing captain and of losing my mom. When I had to put captain to sleep I went to the hospital to visit my mom, she wanted to be there with me so badly but was so sick, she really loved captain and shed a few tears. Captain really was a sweet thing. I know he's up there with my mom and she's taking great care of him. Thanks again Dawn

I really miss him, especially while dealing with my moms death as well, whenever I was sad he would come up to me and lick my tears then give me eskimo kiss's, I really miss that lil guy

Hi Poco, I'm sure we all know whatyou're going through, you've found the right place to talk about your mom and your grief, this forum has helped me so much. For some reason the people closest to you, seem to get further and further away when things like this happens, it's the kindness in strangers that guide us a long, at least thats how it's worked for me. Hang in there Dawn

Hello, My mom died on June 18th, it's really hard to lose a mother and I dto feel like my life has ended. Grief is a natural thing and every one grieves differently. My mom died of pancreatic cancer it was a tough thing, I took her to all of her appts, chemo and dr and took care of her her last 6 days of her life. I know how you feel. You feel like an orphan, my mom was my mother, father and best friend, I still can't handle life with out her. They say it takes time but I say whatever to that because I think I will feel this the rest of my life, how can one ever get over losing someone they love so much and was there for them their entire life. Here's a poem for you (I have the last 2 verses tattoo'd on my leg with a tinkerbell for my mom ) Just because I no longer stand in front of your eyes doesn't mean you can't see me. Close them, I am there. Just because I no longer answer when you call my name doesn't mean you can't hear me. Speak softly, listen carefully, there is my voice. Just because I can no longer touch your hands doesn't mean you can't feel me. Hold on to another, my arms are there. Just because I am no longer there to show you I love you doesn't mean my love is gone. Place your hand on your heart, feel its beat. I am there. Know that I am with God. Know that God is with you. And in that we are still with each other[attachmentid=156]

That's how grief is, it sneaks up on ya, there are so many different emotions in grief, you just never know which one is going to hit you. I know how you feel, I miss my mother so much. Whatever and however you are grieving is your own way to grieve, don't beat yourself up over not crying, it will come and go. The memories won't fade, they may seem like it, cuz my memories do too, but I've been told that it takes time, so I'm going to trust in that. Dawn

Hi Chuckles, My mother died with out knowing she was going to be a greatgrandmother. But you what? Her and I went quilt shopping one day and we picked out fabric for her first great grandkid, in her own way she knew she wouldn't be there. That was a close day for my mother and me, no words were spoke but we were both thinking the same thing. We picked out fabric for all four of her grandkids too, now it's just a point of getting them back from her stupid husband. I do feel for you, I don't know what I"m going to do when my moms bday comes, when turkey day comes, when next weekend comes ( was going to go to moms for the holiday ) xmas, every day I guess, every day is hard but the special ones are even harder. I would write her a note,, I write to my mom almost every day, in a journal, I start it out every time with "hi mom Just remember you're not alone in your feelings. Keep your chin up Dawn

Thanks guys, I appreciate it. It's just so hard and yeah I think the denial is gone and the raw feeling of sadness has sunk in.

Hi, For some reason today is just not a good day. I just miss her so damn much I want to scream. I just want to hold her one more time, get a great big hug from her, just a smile, something, anything. I've been watching last thanksgivings video of my mom and it just makes me so sad. It's on my myspace if anyone is interested in seeing it. http://www.myspace.com/dawn_angelique I wish I wish that I could see you one last time to hear your voice and see your smile I wish that I could hold you close an never let you go. I wish that it were me who got sick and you who was left here to live the life that you so badly deserved. I wish I knew that you were happy and settled. I wish you were here to help me deal with this. I wish I could tell you I love you one last time but if I did I would only wish all these wish's again. Just something I wrote just now, guess it's how I feel. I just really need her. I need something stable in my life, I feel like I'm going out of control and don't know how to stop, I just miss her so much!!! God this really sucks!!! [attachmentid=155]

Hi Libby I"m in tears, thanks for sharing. I miss her so much, it's just unbearable at times. I know it may be early but I don't want thanksgiving, her bday or xmas to happen ever again. I don't want to have those things with out her. I still can't believe she is gone. I wish I could wake up and every thing was like it was before that day January 19 06 that she was diagnosed, things were great, we though she had gull stones. I wish it was only that. I dont' understand why whoever is up there took her from us so soon and I don't think I ever will. I want her back so bad, I feel like a little kid whose lost their only friend

I miss my moms advice so much too. I have a lot of things going on with this grief that I would always talk to my mom about but she's not here and what I do, is write to her and honestly, this may sound weird but I hear her in my head. When I do certain things, like if I don't buckle up I hear, Dawn buckle up. Or when I'm sad, I hear it will be okay, it just takes time. Even though I know my moms presence is around me, I want her 3d, it's not the same. They say it gets easier but not sure what "they" really know what they're talking about. When you graduate, your mom will be there in spirit and will be smiling from ear to ear with excitement. Take care Danw

I received this from my parent loss group: GEESE Fact one: as each bird flaps its wings, it creates an uplift for the birds following it by flying in a v formation, the whole flock adds 71 percent greater flying range than if the bird flew alone. There's a lot I can do by myself, there's a lot I can do with a partnter but the power of what I can get done with a collective quantum. People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they're going quicker and easier because they're traveling on the thrust of on another. FACT2: Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddently feels the drag and resistance of trying to fly alone and quicly gets back into foormation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediatley in front. If we have as much sense as a goose, we will stay information with hose who are headed where we want to go and be willing to accept their helps, as well as give our to others. FACT 3 When the lead goos gets tired, it rotates back into the formation and another goose flies at the poitn position. With people as with gees, we are interdepenedent on each others skills and capabilities and unique arrangments of gifts, talantes and resouces. Indigenous societes call this interdependency "good, tru and beautiful" FACT 4 The gees in fomration honk from behind to encourage those in front to keep up their speed. We need to make sure our honking from behind is encouraging and not something else. I n groups wehre there is a greater encouragment agains great odds, the production is much greater. Ecourage someone els's core, encourage someone else's heart. FACT 5 When a goose gets sick or wounded or shot down, two geese drop out of formation and follow it down to help and protect. They stay with it until it is able to fly again or dies. Th en they launch out on their own with another formation to catch up with the flock. If we have as much sense as geese, we too will stand by each other in difficult times as well as when we are strong. What's funny about this is mom had Geese, when this was handed out and was read, I starting crying because it was as if mom handed it to me. I never knew how we could learn from geese until now. I remember very clearly, I actually have pictures of it, last thanksgiving at the farm, there were a TON, I mean a TON of geese flying over head, the sky was full of them, maybe they were trying to tell us to stay strong and help each other. Stick with your loved ones and help them through difficult times but also be with them just because.... pictures to prove.... [attachmentid=153] [attachmentid=154]

I am kind of in a stale mate right now, I think I'm in shock, not believing that ths is my life and that she is gone, when she was my life. My life is so empty with out her and it feels like it's been forever but only 2 months. I wish I had her back, I wish that they could have caught the cancer sooner, I wish the chemo would have worked, I wish something would have worked, some sort of miracle but it didn't. At her funeral I said I'd like to share part of what I said at her funeral if you don't mind: "i've thought about what I was going to say when this time came ever since she told she had pancreatic cancer, the only time I heard her or cry or say I'm scared was on that day, she never once said those words again. Mom was our mother, father and best friend. She was my hero and idle. She has taught me so much about living life and being strong through rough times. There is a reason wy mom was inflicted with this disease, I think she toon on what others couldn't handle and another reason I think, is to show everyone how to live life, to embrace it and not just skate through it. In the hospital I took mom for a walk around teward, ever time we walked past the candy jar, she'ed whisper to me, get me a hershy's, we walked by that thing 4 times!!. While mom was being taken care of us, she was very content, happy and humorous at times. Mom said give me some psace and julie said, are we invading your bubble, mom said no this damn dog is, we laughed so hard. She called me the drug lady, she would always say, what are you giving me now Dawn, one day I had to give her halidol,I put it under her tounge and she said Halidol, and frowned, then game a sheepish smile. She had the most radiant smile on earth. I know that Julie, Richie and Shawn and I will cherishthe last week of her life by taking care of our mother who took care of us for so many years. It was an honor and a privilege, she was a very good patient. The one thing we all agree on is, everytime we here, "I gotta go pee" we will think of mom and smile. She was a wonderful woman and will not be the best guardian angel." I aslo read the song wind benieth my wing bye bette midler and the last verse of how can I help you to say goodbye, by Patty Loveless. and a few poems Sorry I know that was long, I said quite a bit more but I won't bore you with any more. I just really miss her and want her back! tomorrow is not going to be a good day I wish I could just sleep through the entire day.

Hi Tracey, Whenever I cry my Akita Nikki comes up to me and looks at me, she hugs me in her own way, my little guy Tucker runs, he doesn't like seeing me cry. Nikki and I have a bond, she was paralyzed for a month and I took care of her, so there's a huge bond there. My cats help me at night when I sleep, always giving me licks and purrs. Although I really miss Captain, he died 6-7-07 from liver cancer, I took care of him too for 3 months, he was only 7. Guess I've had a lot of cancer related deaths in a little over a month. As far as the friends thing, I know what you mean about people that don't know you offer more support then the ones that do. Even the place I go to for therapy, they have been my saviour, It's specific therapy for loss and grief so they really know what they are doing. Doesn't mean that I don't go in there every time and cry like a baby, cuz I do, but they understand and it's okay to cry, my sister always tells me to stop boohooing because mom wouldn't want that, what my sister and brother don't know, is that since I was the only one that took her to all of her appts, chemo and dr.s, even to the mayo, she let me cry and talk to her about her cancer, my mom would be proud of me for handling it and wanting to grieve rather than hold it all in and explode one day. Anyway, I always seem to babble when I post. Dawn

Hi Annie, Jsut wanted to wish you good luck tomorrow and hope that you'll find some sort of comfort. I know it's going to be hard to walk out of that door for the last time. My thoughts are with you Dawn

Hi Tracey, I have my 2 dogs and 2 cats that keep me going, I wouldn't be here typing right now if it wasn't for my critters. I feel just like you, that nobody cares what's going on with my life, how i'm doing, my friends have pretty much distanced themselves from me since my mom was diagnosed and now I haven't even haerd from my "best" friend since my mom service. I know how it feels to feel all alone. My mom was the only one that knew me, when I called her all I had to do is say hi and she'd know if something was wrong. I'm attaching pics of my critters [attachmentid=147] captain [attachmentid=148] franklyn [attachmentid=149] morgan [attachmentid=150] tucker [attachmentid=152] nikki

bms, I go to therapy 2 times a week and just joined a parent loss group. It really helps, I'm doing a lot better with my anger management and drugs help too! by drugs I mean antidepressants. hang in there