allalone

Dear Rosanne (((((HUGS))))) My thoughts are with you and hoping that day and the previous and proceeding days around the 11th were not as unbearable as you thought. I can only echo some of the other comments made. Next month it will be a year since my mom passed - I know the feeling that it is unbearable. On the outside I'm holding things together, but when I think of my mom and stuff on the inside I'm crying and screaming that it's not true. I don't know if you find this as well, but unconsciously some things bubble up and you wonder why you are feeling the way you are and you suddenly realize it is a day that held significance. The most recent example of this was when my daughter and I were in Europe and there I didn't see advertising for mother's day. But on Mother's day I fell to pieces in the hotel room after my daughter went for a walk. She came back to find me crying and a real mess. She forgot about mother's day and it hit me later on that it was mother's day and that was why I was missing and thinking so much about my mom that day. Some days are very hard to go on, but then I think would I want my daughter to fall to pieces if I passed away and I know I would want her to be ok. I know my mom would want me to be ok; it doesn't make it much better, but it helps me to try and reduce my grieving to a level that is not so debilitating at times. I find that sometimes I really have to be extremely strong and put on a face for relatives because I don't want them to worry for me. I think with profound grief it is sorta like with other things we have to muddle through in life we each find our ways of coping. I hope you are coping ok. more hugs.

Dear everyone, This evening I feel like I'm having a relapse of many of my feelings... Although I feel like my head is above water in most ways, inside there is this sinking feeling of sorts and the last couple hours the sinking feeling is growing bigger and bigger. This evening is tough as today is one of those days I just can't believe Mom is gone. I'm sure everyone goes though it, one moment I feel like running down the street screaming and the next it's like I feel like I'm in shock like I've just been jolted back into a bad dream of sorts. I don't know why but I've been thinking more of her again when I pass the funeral home - it's on my way home from work, so I think I'll have to alter my route again, but with the other route I take there is the memorial place and that reminds me just as much. My daughter and I went for Eater at my sister's place. She has a large house and tends to host family gatherings. It is very generous of her, we all bring something to contribute to the meal. It just was hard for me because I missed my Mom so much. I didn't know what to do with out her. I was't able to go out to my sister's place previously because it really reminded me of Mom. But I was able to control my tears. At dessert, my sister brought out my Mom's sponge cake. My heart sank to my knees. It was so nice of her to make, but it was just too much for my poor little eyes. I only had a couple of tears, but we probably all had to consciously think not to cry. Today it's like it was a week after my mom died. I just can't believe she has passed away!! Intellectually I understand, but my heart just can't accept this. I just feel it can't be true and I want my Mom back from what seems like a long vacation away from us. I went to the dentist today. I made the appointment because in the last month I have felt I can finally handle it. I was scared I was going to completely lose it at the dentist because with inordinate physical stress I break down. I made it through the appointment - the last time I saw my dentist was about six weeks before Mom died. I told him I just didn't think I would be able to make it through the appointment without breaking down if I had come any sooner than this month. But I think now the stress has worked in the completely opposite way, the strain from the dentist is making me fall apart tonight. I am terrified of the whole dental situation. I have a fantastic dentist and he is awesome, but as a child I suffered abuse from a dentist. I'm having a crown put on a root canal that I had last year. I just wanted to go to my mom today and cry in her arms as it was A LOT of drilling. I think I have a slight allergy to the freezing as I've been loopy since and other weird affects. Additionally, I've tried to wean myself slowly off the anti-depressants a bit because I'm trying to lose weight and not feel so lethargic. Last year just before Mom was diagnosed, I finally had weaned myself off of them after many years. I seem to feel more energetic when I don't take them. I know this sounds weird. I take them because about 10 years ago when I had to be tested for ADD. I knew I had an anxiety disorder since I was a teenager, but the Ph.D. physchologist/md (but not psychiatrist) diagnosed me with OCD. I had tried other antidepressants targeted at OCD but they made me suicidal. Unfortunately as I wean myself off these tablets I can feel and see OCD returning When I am not taking these tablets, I don't feel nearly as hungry and my house gets much cleaner. When I was younger I never knew enough about OCD but thought if people were to know my inner thoughts they would put me away. Now I understand I just have OCD and it is controllable. I think overall these tangential paragraphs that I'm absolutely sobbing over as I write it all boils down to I really miss my mom I just want her to come back to me. What I would give to have her hold me in her arms and for her to tell me it's all ok and she loves me.

Please accept my condolences for your loss and I'm so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. It is totally ok to take the time you need to grieve. You are in mourning and don't let anyone else for a moment tell you that "it's time" or whatever. Each person is different and also the time we need to have the pain subside is very individualistic. I believe it is ok to tell your doctor that you need some more of the medication that you have found helpful. I would advise him that this is the first time you lost someone so near and dear to you and he will likely say that it is ok to feel that way and likely conclude that each person is different in their grieving. Sometimes people who say these terrible things don't often make the parallels that if two people sustain a physical injury, one person may rebound quickly, while the other may not. It is dependent upon many factors - this is also true of our emotional make up. I lost my mother last July and it has been 8 months now and I have come to a point where I do not cry every time I talk about her. I still cry when I visit her grave, but the profound grief has lifted. I know my mom would be ok with this. It's ok to be angry with things right now and not to do so well. My thing was and is still the odd time to take a hot bath and cry in the bath. Between the crying and the hot bath it releases a great deal of emotion and allows you to sleep better. Also early on I was furious at my stepfather for donating all of my mother's clothes and books without even allowing us children to have a momento that was especially meaningful to us. One day I beat up a pillow and this helped some of the pent up emotion from such a cruel and callous thing he did. I didn't think such a physical outlet would do anything but for some reason it did help. Maybe this will help you too if you find that you maybe inadvertently releasing anger/frustration towards others. There will come a time when you will be cried out. I reached that point almost a month ago. Unfortunately I am experiencing chest pains when very tough emotions come up regarding my mom's estate, so do be prepared that you may have some other manifestations of the emotional strains that you will be faced with. I know the saying time heals is something everyone uses. Even though it is so cliche, I can tell you things will get better and there will be a time when you can remember your dad without tears and smile about the good times you had together. I am the most emotionally sensitive of my siblings and I know that my siblings have said similar things and I have just countered that we all grieve differently and that I will never 'get over' it, but things will get better in time. I often apologize for getting upset - which I shouldn't have to but it is just something my mom handed down to me. If you have always been the strong one of your siblings and your dad was your rock then it only makes sense that you would be distraught. If you go on antidepressants for a short time to help you through the difficult time of mourning, so what? We are lucky enough to live in a time where we have medicines that can assist us through such times. When you feel a bit better you can also go to a bereavement group. Perhaps if you can, you may want to also talk to a counsellor or read some books. I have mentioned a couple books that have helped me, but also keeping a diary may help. You can probably hear the mother in me wanting to help. My daughter is just going through the worst of her grieving so I have come to a point where I can help others. I hope you will find some solace in the words that this community writes to you and know that we all have nothing but the best heartfelt feelings for you through this difficult time.

Hi again, This last week has been rough. Like Nettan, it's one of those ones where you just want to lay down and die because you are hurting so badly inside. I made it through this week without going insane, so that is my one step forward. I've been planning a trip to Europe with my daughter but no matter how much I look forward to the break and seeing family again, today the memories of the trip that my mom and I took makes my heart ache. I remember when we got on the train as part of our journey back home and my mom cried because she knew she wouldn't see her sisters again. It breaks my heart into pieces. I've written my aunt a letter advising her that my daughter and I will be in Europe and if we may visit. I had some photos of my mom printed that I've enclosed but I've re-written the letter three times since the New Year. I will be sending it finally tomorrow. It was too painful to send information from her funeral previously so I included some of the information and a photo of her grave as well as a photo of the flowers that my aunt had sent money for. I don't want to upset my aunt but sometime things like this are important to loved ones. I think it's probably upsetting me more than it will upset her. This week I have thought a lot also about how my mom was miserable in her marriage. How when I went out to her grave on her birthday I could see that no one else had visited that day except for my daughter and me. I would have thought that my stepfather would have visted, but clearly that did not happen. I knew my sister and brother visited earlier in the week. Being Valentines Day, they were spending time with their spouses. I just remember my mom telling me a few times that if she thought her life was miserable throughout the marriage he was making her death worse. I keep on thinking how many regrets she must have had while she was dying. Although I see these as being three steps back, I suppose in some ways it is a step forwards because I can at least consider these things.

Dear Everyone, This is a day I have had a great deal of difficulty with. It's Valentines day and my mom's birthday. Since last week, my emotions are getting worse and worse. You see, last year Mom went into the hospital so of course it's also like an anniversary of the time we found out mom was likely going to die. I've always been kinda sad around Valentines day because I've never been married nor had anyone in my life around that time except for one year when I got engaged. (big mistake that one was). I feel so much more lonely than other years. After work, I picked up my daughter and we went to my mom's grave (my parent's grave) I bought some colourful carnations - even though they will freeze) I wanted to buy something big but mom would have been mad at me for that. I always try to think what would make her happy. My daughter hasn't been able to grieve yet. She is in a tough situation and now some of the grieving is just beginning to come out. She cried hard all the way to the cemetary and I told her it was ok. She felt guilty that she forgot about my mom's birthday, but I told her that deep down she didn't forget, she just couldn't face it. She's had a super rought week not only at work but at home. She got dressed up for the visit and then we cried together at mom's grave. My mom helped me with my daughter all the time. We both miss her terribly. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. i just wanted to stay home and cry. I had tears a few times at work today. There was a nice young man at work who had bought several of us chocolates (a box each) and I told him he was a very nice young man and that he really made my day as I was sad. I then thought he's going to think I'm sad because I don't have a date, so I had to qualify it. I said it's my mom's birthday today he asked how old she was but I had to say she died last July. He felt bad, I told him not to, I just miss her. I couldn't turn around to look him in the eye, but I told him I'm sorry I have a few tears, I just miss her. I told him again that he really made my day as very few people are that thoughtful. I feel like I'm crying so much that I'll likely be hoarse tomorrow. Emotionally at times there is a part of me that just wants to scream or wail, gnash my teeth and pull out my hair. Today is one of those days. It's stupid. I'm 45 years old and I'm crying after my mom like a child. I know what makes this so much more worse is that I'm alone and I don't go out much. My daughter has a busy career and lives on the other side of town. I hate showing myself so weak in front of her but honestly I can't help it. I know when my grandparents died my mom was extremely stoic. I remember her crying only one day but she was said for a couple of months. Here I am seven months later still in my pity party. Anyways, I just had to write about this so I won't be climbing the walls all night. Thank you for the special hugs Leeann. I'm going to write in my grief book now and prolly go to bed early.

Thank you all for your replies. They make me feel a bit better about my feelings. We are again having a cold snap and I just can't go out to her grave. As much as I want to, it's too hard to go out there and feel so cold and know she has been underground in this horrendous cold. Intellectually I know it's just something I can't get past right now. I am very lucky that my aunt who was very close to my mom phones me weekly. It helps that we talk to one another. We would only talk every few months before mom died but now we talk weekly. It helps us both through the loss. It was a year ago that my mom was in the hospital and was more or less told that she likely had gallbladder cancer. It is rare. She would have these attacks but she just got used to it. They had to keep her in the hospital because she ended up with pancreatitus (inflammation of the pancreas). Her birthday is coming up on Valentines day. That will be such a very hard day. I will visit her grave on her birthday and bring a few roses, but I don't know how I will make it through that day. I just feel so sad that she is not here. Our birthdays are a month apart. It was hard on my birthday, but I can already feel that her birthday will be much more difficult for me. Thanks everyone for listening...

Hi, I've gone through some really weird feelings since my mom passed. I was my mom's caregiver for her personal needs and emotionally I'm somehow tied to her body. I know this sound very very weird. When she died and they were removing her body, just as they were rolling her body near the car I touched her body and it felt as if she was clawing at my insides like she didn't want to go with them. I broke down because of course. Before they took her I cleaned her, dressed her and put her in a much nicer position for us to see her in a more restful position so we could remember her in a better way. I think this is very lost on our modern western culture. It was therapeutic for me. When she was in her casket, I did kiss her and hold her hand. I know that sounds morbid, but it was something that I could still see bits of my mom. I knew her spirit was no longer in her body, but I felt it was still with us then. When the funeral happened, I was ok, but for the first five months I had to go to her grave every week. I had to make sure her grave was clean etc. I live in Canada and about 55 degrees north, and right now it is very cold here. Now when I go to visit her grave, I have a hard time because even though I know she is no longer in her body, knowing her body is frozen underground REALLY bothers me. I understand I have a weird attachment to her physical shell. I know it is in part because I took care of her personal needs before she died and it was one of the few things she would let me do for her in her lifetime. As a child I probably experienced more physical attention from her than my siblings as I was the youngest) and also we lived close by in the same city. I yearn to have another day where she is alive and healthy just so she can give me a hug, so we can talk, etc. I've decided long ago that I would be cremated, but I don't know why these weird feelings won't subside. I feel like I'm very abnormal to have this.

Hi Drew, It's so hard to lose one's mother and I certainly empathize. I am not a counsellor but your email sounds to me like you are still in deep shock. Intellectually you understand that your mom is gone, but emotionally it sounds like you are going through the full range of emotions which is completely understandable. Rhetorically speaking, what's wrong with not caring about things for a while? Taking a break from always being a caring and loving person may be something that you need to do right now for you overall health. I'm not saying be like this forever, just do what feels right for you at this very difficult time. You have sustained a substantial loss. Sometimes we need to back away from things while we are in shock so things can begin to heal. My analogy is that if you are in a car accident and you go into shock from being hurt, you can't expect to get up and walk away from the accident and be ok. Emotionally you're devestated and in shock. It sounds like you are expecting yourself to just carry on as if nothing has happened. Being disillusioned is part of grieving. I am still going through it. I had my last counselling session on Monday so I understand that somethings are unpleasant. Your counsellor should be helping you and not pushing you into a place where you don't feel comfortable. It sounds like you need a break - physically, intellectually and emotionally. What do you think your mom would have said to you if she knew you were feeling this way? Would she have said that it was natural to feel this way? How would she have counselled you? It sounds so cliche-ish to say that in time things will get better. But there is truth in that. In losing your mother, could you look at it that your Mom is with God and perhaps both of them know that this may be necessary for you in your journey of faith? One book that is helping me a great deal is Angel Catcher: A Journal of Loss and Remembrance. It is a guided journal where you can put your thoughts and feelings down. I was surprised what sprung out of me and how that helped. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm pontificating. I try to think what would I want to be asked etc to help me.

Dear Cindi, (((HUGS))) I understand your need to talk. Your mom is on your mind night and day and it is a HUGE loss. I lost my mom a little over six months ago and I empathize with you on not wanting to get out of bed and how difficult it is to put on a brave face at work. I set out a time at night to cry (in the bath-tub). If you can set out a time where you can release your emotions in a private area and speak to your mom at that time it may help. I'm sure your mom is around watching over you and she will hear what you have to say to her. No one can truly understand your loss. I firmly believe that you need to take whatever time it is to grieve and that the length and extent of mourning is different for everyone. Each relationship is unique and it sounds like you are close to your parents. Don't ever feel bad for having those emotions. It is wrong for other people to expect that you get over a loss so quickly. The rat race world we live in expects everything to be completed in an instant. That's just not so. It take time to mourn and you are healthy in dealing with it now. Don't allow others to speed your grieving process or things will be stifled and that is unhealthy. What completely puzzles me is that if a person losse a child, there is more support and most people will accept that as a parent the grief process is a long period of time. To me losing a parent is of equal impact and it is incomprehensible to me that many do not see losing a parent just as a significant as a spouse or child. Know that is is natural for you to grieve your mother. If your husband says to you again, you should be done your grieving by now, I would say, something like "Honey, you know I loved mom and losing her has been hard on me. If you lost me or one of the kids do you think you would be over it in four months? I know it's hard for you to see me like this but I miss her a great deal and if you can't support me in this I understand, but please give me the time to greive my mother in the time that is appropriate for me." He may be a little more understanding of where you are coming from if you say something like this to him. His intentions are likely that he just doesn't want to see you in pain and sometimes the words -even with the best of intentions can cut to the bone. Perhaps he hasn't lost either of his parents yet or if he has, perhaps he wasn't as close to his parents are you are to yours. As I said earlier, each relationship is unique and each person you will mourn differently. One of the things that I came to realize shortly after my mom's passing was that my tears were for me. It is because I REALLY miss my mom. My mom suffered a lot when she was alive because she had a very hard life. She was married to an abusive man and in addition, the last year of her life her health was diminishing. I always worried about her. I wanted her so badly to get out of her situation, but she couldn't. Until the last week that she died, she suffered. It only helps me a very small bit to think that she is no longer suffering. Her death is not something I can rationalize, I am profoundly sad and I miss my mother more than words can express. Mom had told us not to cry as she was an incredible stoic woman, but I cry almost every day. I have visited her grave almost weekly (except for a couple weeks when I was sick). I understand that having tears is ok. It is ok to miss my mom. It is ok to be sad. It wouldn't be right otherwise because I loved my mom very dearly. How can you not deeply mourn someone you love so much. So this is why I think it is important that you are ok with your grief and that you just follow your heart. Your mom will help you heal and I'm sure that as you work your way through the pain there will be things that you'll be able to remember your mom with a smile instead of tears. This is slowly happening for me. For me it is starting with being able to remember my mom and not cry everytime I speak of her. There is the odd time that I can smile with my aunt about the odd thing my mom did. But I still have more tears than smiles. It's only natural. One just has to remind oneself that in time things heal. Unfortunately there are times when I pick at the wound instead of tending to it.

Dear Linda, I can certainly identify with parts of your post. My mom died July 17 and was 77. Our parents tend to be our longest relationship and followed I think by our children. Nowadays spouses come and go. For me I never married so I probably formed closer bonds with my mother and my daughter. I think we talk, list and cry more with our parents and children than anyone else. When we go through a difficult time we can share those things with our parents and get the wisdome from their experiences, yet we cry with our children when they go through rough times as our parents did for us. The unconditional people that we love no matter how they push our buttons (or not) again - parents and children. For the first while after my mom passed I felt she was around me but the last while I don't feel she is around anymore. I am not a very spiritual person so now as my thoughts gravitate back to how they used to be before my mom died, I get more depressed. I certainly hope there is a very positive afterlife where my parents are reunited. But as my thoughts return and it gets to where I don't know whether there is or not, I am filled with sorrow for the sad times that my mom endured and that we all deserve to have a good life. At the moment, the biggest thing that I am having a problem with is that it is snowing and that my mom's body is freezing underground. I know that it is only a shell, but it still bothers me a great deal. I feel closest to her when I am at her grave and I talk to her there hoping that she will hear me. I hope that she will visit me in my dreams. I dreamt of her the other night, and thankfully it wasn't that she died like when I first dreamt of her after her death but rather now it's more like half way through the last six months where she was sick. But she was crying in my dream which really made me sad. She cried that she was sick and had to leave. My daughter asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I couldn't say, because all I want is to have my mom back. I'm sure everyone here is the same. They want their parent(s) back. I'm not likely making much sense. I've had to take some cold medicine and I've got horrible insomnia the last week. Hopefully tonight I'll get some well needed rest and with any luck I'll see my mom again, but when she is not sick.

I hope things do get better emotionally. I'm kinda back to a numb state....

Hi, I do take an antidepressant and I am speaking with a counsellor, but there are days like this weekend when it was all too much. I'm doing a bit better. We had heard back from the lawyer and in addition my siblings talked to the cemetary. Intellectually I knew he would likely not be able to exhume my mom, but you always hear of retarded court cases where things go horribly wrong. It was just too much to separate all of my mom's things and to even thing about having to rebury my mom. I just miss her so much and I cry because I miss her more than words can express. My soul aches. It's hard for me to accept that mom is gone. I'm taking it really bad and I know that. It was weird today though. I had to go for an ultrasound for my abdomen - the technician was having a hard time getting pictures. She spent a long time on my liver and gallbladder. My mom died of gallbladder cancer and secondary liver cancer. It's very rare and I know it's just because the liver is such a large organ. I think about it and wonder how my mom must have felt when they had to do her scans - they took a LONG time... I waited at the hospital for hers to be done. It's just a big roller coaster for me. I know it will get better, but the bad days are so unbearable.

today I am going out of my mind... Tonight I just can't take it anymore. I acted terrible towards my daughter because I asked her to come over and assist me to move something heavy but she refused. It made me feel even more alone and that I have absolutely no one to count on. I've broken off communications because I just can't stand anymore of this. I feel like I'm slipping into a profound depression again I feel I cannot communicate with her because I've been worried for the last while that she will commit suicide. She has had a traumatic year. I feel awful that I just can't handle any of this anymore. I just wish my mom was here. I miss her beyond what words can express. I know she did not want me crying like this. Some days it takes everything I have to get through the day. I don't know how to get through all of this.

I too am very sorry for your loss. No one truly knows how you really feel. People can have similar experiences, but even with that no one will know exactly what you are going through. We can only try to help by sharing and offering our thought and feelings to you. My experience was similar to yours in that my mom tried to keep the peace and it seemed like when I was young she took his side and then in other ways she took ours (us kids) and we all left the home as soon as we could. You are very lucky to be able to turn to and live with your grandparents. I hope you can look at the time you are spending with them as a gift. I often wonder if this is fate that circumstances and people are brought together for a reason I know in losing your dad that is in itself huge blow that can take a lifetime to get over and that probably your mom getting married was too quick for you because you are still grieving your dad. Now that one of your grandfathers is physically ill it may bring back a lot of the pain you felt when your dad passed. I hope you can somehow feel that by living with your grandparents it gave you time that you may not have otherwise had with them and they perhaps have taught you things that you never would have been able to have with anyone else. I can only imagine how difficult it is to watch waht is happening with your grandfather, but perhaps you and your grandmother can console one another. Hopefully things get better with your nuclear family and those connections will be renewed.

Sorry, I need to be more clear on a point that I said. Each time when mom went to her lawyer, she was able to meet with the lawyer separately and give clear and private direction to ensure that there was no coersion whatsoever and that mom's wishes were her wishes and not anyone else's. Unfortunately, you know how these things can turn out. If we can see murderers be acquitted on technicalities and heanous crimes being committed and those individuals spend a minimal time in jail, it leads one to believe anything could turn awry in our North American justice systems. Recently there was a case on the news where a spouse had the body exhumed against the family's wishess and moved far away. I believe this is where "he" got the idea from. I do not speak to "him". As far as I am concerned he is not at all a part of my life. What he did to my mom during her life and her death and how he has treated all of us most people would find extremely repugnant. It just simply makes the grief so much more worse to even have to think that we may have to rebury our mother. I know that only a very mentally sick person would think of these things. What is difficult is that my grief this last week has been horrible. It felt like I moved ahead an inch, but now I feel like I've been pushed back another 10 feet. Intellectually I know I should not allow him to get to me like this. Over the hours, I just feel more and more sick. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. thank you for listening...

Thank you all for your comforting words. I can see by your replies and some of the other topics that I have read that there are others that feel like I do and in a way I don't feel as alone as I did before I found this forum. I cannot refer to my mom's 2nd husband as my stepfather anymore - I will refer to him as "he" or "him". Mom only married twice, but you'll come to understand why in this post why I refer to her 2nd husband this is. Today my sister's family and I went to my brother's place there were several things that "he" had wanted to dispose of. A few of the things were "his", but the majority of the items were mom's things that "he" just wanted cleared out of the house. Of course there were a few things that we have distinct memories with so we were glad that we had a few more things, but for the most part we only came by these because otherwise "he" would have had to bring them to the dump or donate them to a charity so "he" would not have to pay for the disposal. I know that possessions will not bring her back, but at least there is a little comfort and a few memories that we can recall with certain things. In my mother's will she had stated very clearly where she wanted to be buried (beside her first husband and daughter). We wanted to ensure that our mother had a dignified funeral. "He" could not afford to bury my mother so we (my mom's second husband, myself, my brother and my sister) split the remainder of the funeral costs. My sister was completely transparent with the expenses etc and "he" had the least to contribute. Because mom was buried on the "family plot" my siblings and I absorbed the cost for the engraving and I also put two flower urns on either side of the headstone. Today I found out from my brother and sister that "he" decided that "he" is offended that "his" name is not on the headstone because "he" was "married" to my Mom for over 30 years. My sister advised him that it is not only my Mother's grave but two other individuals and that we paid for the engraving so in respect of our family members "his" name is not on there but we have stated that "he" is welcome to put another marker or something near Mom's grave. "He" has threatened that he will have my mother exhumed and put in another grave. Of course this only adds to the grief that we all have. It is unlikely that "he" can do this because she expressed these wishes in her will and the lawyer had ensured that there was no coersion on any of our parts - "his" or us children. Many of the things "he" has said and done have been very mean and hurtful. Not only did "he" disrespect my mother throughout their marriage, but now even after she has passed "he" is carrying on this disrespect. "He" has always been one to rattle the sabre and try to push our buttons, however, this is all getting to be too much for me tonight. It is so difficult for me to comprehend that anyone can lack such morality or common decency. To be so disrespectful to my mother and her wishes shows just how little "he" loved her. "His" contempt for us has always been very clear, "he" no longer has my mother to pick on so I suppose "he" gets "his" jollies trying to figure out what "he" can do to upset us. It's beyond me how people can be like this. I know sometimes the best and the worst come out in people...you can see what we've had to deal with.

Hi, I'm new here. I lost my mom on July 17th and it has been incredibly difficult for me. My mom and I were close and it still seems incomprehensible that she is gone. I try to console myself by believing that she is in a much better place as she was in a very terrible relationship that she couldn't seem to get the confidence to leave. She had told me many times she had made a terible mistake and in the last two months she said "...he made life miserable, but he's making my death worse." I cleaned her body and dressed her before the funeral home came to take her body. During this time the room seemed to go cool (there was a heat wave when she died) and the room felt very peaceful and calm. For a couple weeks I felt that my mom was ok and happy. She didn't want us to cry for her. I was ok then because I was rationalizing that her physical suffering of cancer wasn't as horrible as it could have been. She mentally suffered for a very long time so I knew that she was released from her marriage and other worries that her life had. I tried to be happy that she didn't have to suffer physically and mentally, but I lost that battle. I know when I cry it is because I miss my mom. I am inconsolable as I feel so alone without my mom. It seems worse when I am around people which sounds strange. I feel like my soul is empty and it would be just so nice to curl up in a ball and die. (I am NOT suicidal - the pain however is just overwhelming. I don't want to deal with people, go to work, etc.) I have a counsellor and things are in some way getting slightly better, but the week of the 17th or the tuesday that is closest to the 17th of the month is just unbearable. My mom was not only my mom but my best friend. Neither of us had much money, but we did little things for one another. I'd buy her favorite honey and wordsearch puzzles as she'd collect bottles and never treat herself stuff. I know she always paid her own way in life and with what little money she saved, she always gave her money to people who needed it. She ended up having some money as she had saved some for her funeral and I guess a couple years back she took money out of the bank, but because I was closest my stepfather is accusing me of sponging it off of her - which I did not do. What makes this worse is he disposed of all of my mom's belongings except what was very specifically willed to us or a few things that she gave to each of us before she died as she did not trust her husband. We were not able to even have momentos like a sweater or shirt that reminded us of her or any of her other belongings that were not specified in the will. I wanted her sewing box because she taught me how to sew. My daughter wanted her sewing machine, but I'm sure that was donated somewhere or thrown out too. I know things will not bring her back, but sometimes having something to hold of hers can be comforting. There's just no comfort in anything and that is why I feel utterly desolate.