sunstreet

Susie Q, Thank you for your post. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand that feeling of vulnerability when the things you relied on your loved one for are facing you for sure. Yes, "Great Love, Great Loss" for sure. Sunstreet

Marty, Thank you so much for this information. Sunstreet

Cheryl, thank you so much. Yes, you are right I used this site before and it more than helped me. Yes, thank you for suggesting a grief support group and/or a cancer support group. I have thought of both, as far as a grief support group, the counselor I am working with feels I am not ready for that, he feels it would cause me more harm than good at this point. I don't know that I agree. I do know that like you it would be a HUGE step out of my comfort zone. In any case there are only two groups offered where I live for people who are bereaved by suicide and both have a long waitlist. The closest cancer support is over 70 miles away for me and due to my arthritis, to travel that far would be very challenging to say the least. Thank you for validating my feelings. I will not let my family keep me from gathering strength. I have survived more than one human should have to and I am not giving up yet. I want to close with again expressing that I am just sorry for your loss. Sunstreet

I feel so angry at my partner. Why did she have to leave me? Didn't she love me, love us? I just woke in a horrible fear state and wondered why my partner wasn't there next to me. I called out for her. I went looking for her, couldn't find her, then it hit me...she is gone. Am I going crazy? I need her now, I need to be held. I am frightened to face cancer without her. Learning I have endometrial cancer has served as a catalyst for the loss of my children to come to the surface again. I had three children, I miscarried my first son at 8 months after being beaten by the man I was married to. My second son was still born. My daughter only lived three days. Why did I marry that man I was gay. Oh but to be gay in the family I was born into was sinful, not allowed. I was raised by violent alcholics, and married a violent alcholic, I was so young, I was just a child really. I would jump right out of my body if I could. I ache with sorrow. I keep going to the moment of discovering my partner dead. I can't get it out of my mind. Why, oh why. If I climbed the tallest mountain, stood there on the top and screamed at the top of my lungs for the rest of my life it would not even begin to express the pain that I feel. Just can't stop weeping. Sunstreet

Korina, I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for your post. I find that very difficult as well, not having anyone to talk to. My family is not very tolerant of the fact that I am gay. Some of my family members actually said that loosing my partner to suicide is because same sex relationships are sin. If the woundedness I feel to the core of my being is not enough; I also have to accept that my family is not there for me. I don't have friends, after my partner suicided the friends we had all went away unable to even look at me any longer. I have not let anyone into my life since. One of my family members actually believes that the reason I have endometrial cancer is because I am gay. Sunstreet

Laurie, I am sorry for your loss. I understand your pain. I just want to say that you need not apologize for hating your life right now. I hate my life right now too. It is that hugh emptiness, the big whole, I totally relate. It is my belief that feelings are not subject to judgement, they just are. Courage to you. Sunstreet.

Oh dear Nats, thank you for your post. I am just so sorry for your loss. What a testament of you and your wife's love. It has inspired me to perhaps write about "our life and love" mine and my partner's. Reading your post, it suddenly occured to me that there is so much more than "the end" ( my partner choosing suicide) Perhaps it does not negate the life we shared, the love we shared. We were so good together, it was as if we were one. You have reminded me that God has never let me down and when I feel God is far way, it is not that He has left, it is I who has closed off my heart to God. Thank you for the inspiration. Blessings, Sunstreet

Deborah, thank you, I do feel less alone. I agree Marty is an angel. I am grateful that you all still want to respond to me knowing my partner suicided. Sunstreet

Kay, thank you for your post. I am sorry for your loss. I know what you speak of for sure. I miss my partner, I need her so much. I find myself feeling angry at her and then feel horrible for feeling that way. It is a comfort to know that you understand my pain, so I feel less alone, but I am just so so sorry that the reason you understand is that you have experienced it too. It is just so unfair. Blessings, Sunstreet

Thank you Marty, tears streaming down my face. I feel the collective connectedness and I feel less alone. Bless you and bless all of you. Just weeping so at present. Thank you all so much. Just need to weep now. Courage to us all. Sunstreet

Angel hugs to you too. I am so sorry for your loss. I see your pain. I am plagued with the what if's; I too hope I can let go of feeling responsible. I believe in God and it was God's whisper that I responded to and decided to make my post here in this forum. Thank you God. I am so so sorry for your loss. I am facing endometrial cancer at present and am scheduled for surgery on July 8. I feel so so alone with it all. When my partner suicided, the two couples we did stuff with left too; weren't sure how to handle her suicide either I suppose, and did what they needed to do. I have a counselor but I need to work on letting people outside of therapy into my life again. Sending you hugs, hope and courage. Sunstreet

Deborah, thank you so much for your post. I am just so sorry for your loss too. This horrible turbulent sea that when the storms hit, it feels that you just can not hang on. I am sorry that you were very very sick and I know that you know the pain of just wanting Larry back, to hold you, tell you it is going to be ok. I hope your health is well now, so hard to ride it out at times. Something that does help me in any of my losses is that the love doesn't die, it is eternal and this comforts me. Courage to you. Sunstreet

Dear Niamh, Thank you for your reply to my post. I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain of loosing your Father too. My Father died 4 years ago after a lenghty battle with Alzheimer's. I know your pain and I am just so sorry that you have to weather this loss. I know how your Mom feels thinking she needs to put that face on. I saw my Mother go through that struggle. I myself still struggle with having to put that face on. In my family, my role is the strong one, the rock, the one that is there for everyone else and at times I just need someone to be there for me. My parents had a lenghty marriage as well, 51 years. I literally ache all over with my sorrow. My partner suicided, and I feel at some level I should have known she was in that much pain. My partner did not leave a suicide note which has left me to speculate why she chose suicide. What did I do? What didn't I do? What should I have known? I was so busy helping with my Father's care, I didn't notice that my patner was in that much despair. My partner was a therapist; it never occured to me that she was even having suicidal thoughts. Maybe I leaned on her to heavily and didn't see she needed to lean on me too. Bless you for your reply for it has helped more than you will ever know. Sunstreet

My heart is breaking. My partner died not a little while ago, she died on December 25, 2003 and it feels like it was yesterday. I don't believe I let myself feel anything at the time as it wasn't safe to feel then. I buried it, I had to then or I would not have survived for sure. So many losses, so close together. I have had some very bad news about my health and I think I have been needing my partner to be here now. I just feel my heart can bare no more. My soul feels empty without her. People I tell that I am missing her, that I am hurting, all say that was so long ago now, it shouldn't hurt that much any more. I want to scream at them when they say that. I can't help how I feel can I? I am empty. I am despairing....thanks for listening. Sunstreet

Shelly, My name is Carol, my Father passed away May 8th of this year after a lengthy existance with Alzheimer's. My cat Muki, an amber point Himalayan, who is 19, and suffers from renal insufficiency. I have experienced anticipatory grief, it is never easy. Take heart, Chelsea knows that you love her and I am sure that you gave her to your brother with her best interest at heart. Trust that you made the best decision for Chelsea and yourself. Take comfort knowing that myself and others are thinking of you and praying for you at this difficult time. Carol

Lorikelly, I am sorry for your loss and your pain. I believe alot of people have read your words and know your pain, myself included. I don't have any answers for you other than I do believe we must hang onto hope. I do believe that with time we will carry our pain in a different way. I am feeling quite lost these days. My Father's death has triggered so much pain for me that I had no idea was there. It is so very hard to reach out at this time but I do believe that is exactly what we need to do if we are to make it through this pain. It is such a pull for me to isolate. Yes, I believe in God as well and I do believe that it is God that is carrying me now. Perhaps he is carrying you as well. I don't know if it will be helpful for you but sometimes what I do is have a conversation with God. I give everything up to God and ask Him to carry it awhile while I try to sleep at night. Take good gentle care of yourself. Peace to everyone, Sunstreet

Shell, Haley, Kathy, and Starla, Thank you all so much for responding to my post. I think that I am finding it very difficult because I have actually been working with a therapist for two years and I had my last session with her on June 28 and now she is on a 6 month extended leave from work. This also feels like a huge loss. I have tried to talk with the person she referred me to while she is away but it just is not a good fit. I took on an elderly cat two years ago and he has renal insufficiency and it is a progressive disease and he is declining in health. Thank you all again. I will soldier on as I always do. Sunstreet

I feel so alone, I hurt so much, a physical pain. I go to work I function well, I smile, yet inside I am dying. I feel like such an imposter. No-one in my family wants to talk about my Father anymore. Why should I be surprised or hurt about that? My family has always swept everything under the carpet never to be talked about again. I have the next two days off from work, not looking forward to it. I wish I could work 7 days per week. I wish I had somebody in my life that was more than an aquaintance. I miss my Father something fierce. It has been just over 2 months, I thought it would get easier as time went on, it is not!

Jathh, Indeed you have brought up a good point. As humans we are all flawed to some degree or other. Personally, I like to take the stand point that we all do our best with what we know and what our life experiences have been. My Father had his flaws and he was a great man and Father. All of these statements are true. It is true that for me his flaws seem so not important, oh if I could just touch him one more time, flaws and all. In my mind it is life that is important and how we choose to engage in it. Peace to you....Sunstreet

thankyou for such a wonderful tribute to a wonderful man. Yes, my father too was such a man, a real man, how glad I am to know there are others... Jathh, Thank you for reading my Tribute to my Father. I am happy for you that your Father was also a great man. There are others...the pain of loosing someone so great though is so intense and so painful....peace to us all. Sunstreet What beautiful words... I meant to read something for my mother, but I was too grief striken to write something, my mind was blank, so I decided to improvise something, just say what came to mind, but mind was absent... and my voice failed me, and the knot in my throat didn't allow me to speak. I speak to her often, but I have regrets I didn't do it in public, and I am glad you could, and I am glad you found the piece for a few minutes to write precious words as these. Thank you for sharing. Jester, I am so sorry for your loss. I would like to propose that when you are ready you still could write some words for your Mother. Try not to be to hard on yourself for I beleive we always do what is best for us at the time. I beleive your words will come and the time and place will present itself your you to read them. Courage to you. Sunstreet

Star0422, I am so sorry for your loss. My Father passed away on May 8, 2006. I too am in a sea of pain that seems unpredictable and shows up at all the wrong times. I find this forum here extremely helpful. I feel less alone. Hope you find some comfort here as well. Sunstreet

Lori, Thank you for thinking of all of us who have lost our Father's in the midst of pain you must be experiencing having lost your Mother recently and just went through your first Mother's day. I will be visiting my Father's grave with my Mother on Father's Day and I will hug my Mother extra tight in remeberance of you Lori and everyone who has lost their Mother. Sunstreet

Hi Star0422, Thank you for reading my Tribute to my Father. I am so sorry for your loss. Hope it is a comfort you are not alone in your pain....I do understand. We must hang onto all of our memories and carry them forward with us as you would a bouquet of flowers. Sunstreet

Kathy, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. It really helps to know that I am not alone with my feelings. It normalizes things for me to know others have expierenced similar feeelings and had similar thoughts. I feel sad though that then that means others are also feeling the great intensity of the pain. Thank you so much for your reply and I will keep posting. Sunstreet Shell, I am sorry for your loss and your pain. Thank you so much for your reply. My Father passed away on May 8, 2006. It has been just over one month but it feels like an absolute eternity. Thank you for sharing that your Father had the death rattle too and that those memories have faded for you. It gives me hope that those memories will fade for me as well. Thank you, Sunstreet

I feel very alone with my pain..... I am loosing patience with well meaning people who ask how is your Mother doing? Don't get me wrong I love my Mother and I know she too is in great pain but I want someone to notice my pain too! I feel ashamed somehow that it is bothering me so much. I am also loosing patience with people who say well it must be so much better for you know that your Father is no longer suffering. I want to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and shout to the world. Hello, I hurt too! I miss my Father so very much. I miss being able to read to him, to touch him, to massage his legs and arms. I can not stop thinking about how he looked in the end. Forgive me if this difficult for anyone but I just must talk about it. My Father's eyes developed quite a bad infection at the end, plus he had cataracts. He also had an infection in his mouth and throat. He was given a medication called atropine to help dry up the secretions which caused additional sores in his mouth. My Father's chest was concave from all the weight he had lost. I am just now realizing how at the time I did not really see how bad my Father looked those last 12 days, I just saw my Father. My Father developed what some of the nurses called a death rattle with his breathing. I find myself waking up at night in a sweat remembering what is was like to hear that sound. I am wondering if this is normal. I had to be there with my Father those last 12 days and I would do it again in a heartbeat. There was a special closeness that happened that I can not really convey with mere words. It is just one of those things that you just wouldn't know unless you have been through it. I am looking for a group to attend in my area because I believe need help. I find myself unable to work and no desire to much of anything.....thanks for listening/reading......