sunstreet

Thanks Niamh and Marty no worries...you have a lot to watch. I uploaded the picture fine and it shows on my profile page but doesn't show up in any posts I make? Re: Update my status...yes I see where it says update my status, I click on it to update but doesn't seem to work? Am I supposed to type something in there and then update? Oh well, have to get going now but will play around with it later. Thanks, Carol Ann

Rachel, I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome to this site. I encourage you to not worry about what you need to do to help bring comfort and ease the pain. I don't think you are sick. I think you are so normal. Thank you for sharing the lovely poem. I too have a little family of stuffed animals that my wife and I made into a makeshift family and I also touch, hug, and kiss my wife's urn daily. This is a very tough journey and I am sorry that you are on it. Welcome and courage to you, Carol Ann

Oh it is so true days off are hard and then a holiday weekend as well. Yes, it would be grand if we could just keep moving through this journey without having to experience times when the pain feels insurmountable again and having to work through it again. You mention you wish you had a sense of where you are in this process. One thing that I find quite useful is to look back on my journals from days and times that have already passed and I can see that I am definitely moving through this journey of grief and learning to reframe my life without Melissa. Blessings and courage to you, Carol Ann

I am sorry Melina. I remember feeling just as you do now. It just is not fair. I offer my undertanding and support. Blessings and courage, Carol Ann

Oh the firsts are so very painful. I am sorry that you are here experiencing this pain. I have a few rituals I do on Birthday's, Anniversaries, Holidays. One thing I do is a week before I light a candle each evening in rememberance of our love and to remind me that there is always "LIGHT and HOPE" even if it feels as small as the flame of the candle. I go to our favorite spot by the water and let go of two single ballons and watch them till I can not see them any longer. I journal and I look back on the previous year's journal to see and learn that I am moving forward and the pain is not as great as it was the last year. I pray you find your own ways of getting through and know that you are not alone and we all understand. Courage to you. Blessings, Carol Ann

WEll, the facilitator and I spoke yesterday and she apologized to me for not speaking up in the moment. She said she was just so shocked in the moment that it rendered her speechless. She asked me what I needed now. I asked if she had spoken to the woman. She said she had not yet as she wanted to check in with me first to see what I needed. I said what I need is to come back to the group and have an opportunity to speak how that comment affected me and that I have every right to come to a grief support group as anyone else. I am angry that not only do I have to experience the pain of loosing Melissa but I also have to experience the pain of people who are ignorant and intolerant of lesbians. It complicates my loss and makes me so angry that if I could climb the tallest mountain that you know and scream at the top of my lungs for the rest of my life, it would only touch the pain I feel at times. I did not choose lesbianism, I was born a lesbian. It was a good exchange I had with the facilitator and I will go to the next group and see what develops. Melissa's life mattered, my life matters and I will keep honouring the love that Melissa and I shared till the day I die and Melissa and I will be together again. Again, I offer my most heartfelt gratitude for all of you and your support. Blessings, Carol Ann

Melina, I am glad that my words have helped. Guidied imagery, is when you listen to someone's voice guiding and encouraging you to promote a different perspective to promote healing. At least that is my lay explanation. Perhaps Marty can explain better. In any case here is a website that may help too. http://healthjourneys.com/ I personally have found guided imagery to help me with post-traumatic stress, insomnia, and depression. Blessings, Carol Ann

Melina, I am sorry you are struggling with guilt and "if onlys." I think it is normal to go through these feelings. What I want you to know is that you did everything you could in each moment that you could and no-one can ask more than that. I commend you for focusing on life when cancer came inot your lifes; how utterly positive. I am so sorry for what you went through watching your husband journey with cancer. I am just so sorry for your pain, your guilt, your questioning yourself. I for one do not hold you accountable for any thing that you think you did not do or say. It is your love for your husband that brought you here to this site. I know this because that it is what brought me here. I hold you in prayer as you weather this journey. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Kayc, Wishing you a Happy Birthday and pray you find moments of joy in your day. I celebrate with you. Blessings, Carol Ann

Melina, I believe we will always wish our spouse had not died. I believe we will always wish we could have them back. We may never accept that they have died. What I believe we need to accept is that we need to learn to move forward in life without them. I believe we need to accept that to loose someone so dear, is going to bring forth unimaginable pain and that the pain never goes away, it just becomes transformed into something we can carry and function in life again. I believe there is no time limit on how long we need to grieve and mourn. The limit is just what we need and that is OK. For me, where I am in my journey I can see that I can now look at Melissa's things without crumbling and actually feel warmth and comfort. That particular pain has been transformed. One of the things I try to do is just accept each day where I am in my emotional space and trust that the process of healing is taking place. For me, guided imagery is very helpful. I am further along in this journey than you and my prayer for you is that as time passes you to will see that some things that brought forth weeping and despair will be transformed into bringing you warmth and comfort. Courage and Blessings to you, Carol Ann

Dear Cheryl, I am sorry you were triggered and really brought to home your loss and that we have to face challenges in life without our soulmate to hold us, comfort us, share with us. I think it entirely normal to have the experience of totally letting our pain surface after witnessing something so frightening, heart wrenching and triggering and needing our soulmate so much and then on top of what we just witnessed, we are slapped again with the reality our spouse is not with us any longer. I really encourage you to not look at grief as something you must fight. I believe it is something that just is and the only way to healing is to accept it and let our pain out when it comes knocking; so it doesn't get built up and come out like the damn just gave way. It is all normal in my opinion. I myself try to deny the pain, sometimes unconsciously I found out. Acceptance, is hard and we have a right to take as much time as we need to get there without judgement from ourselve's or others. Blessings, Carol Ann

Gloria, I am so sorry for your need to come here. I welcome you and I want you to know that it is safe here. Grief is unrelenting at times. One visual I use that helps me is to think of the pain as waves on the ocean, and all waves eventually reach shore and dissipate. My Melissa suicided on December 25, 2003 almost 7 years ago and other losses all within a span of four years. I think I put my grief over Melissa's suicide as far away as I could as I could at the time or else surely I would have crumbled into many pieces. I had to face cancer this year myself and that journey really brought the fact Melissa was not here to the surface. No-one should have to face cancer alone. They were succesful at removing all the cancer and so far so good. All I can say is that grief is an up and down thing, it ebbs and flows as the tide. Talking into a tape recorder to my Melissa helps me a lot. I also journal. Courage to you. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Popengena, Welcome here to this site. I am sorry for your loss. I hope being here helps to give you some relief from your pain and helps you to feel not so alone. It is safe here. You have a lot on your plate. I believe everything you are feeling is absolutely normal. I and others understand. Courage to you. Blessings, Carol Ann

Thank you all so much for your support, advice and love. I truly feel lifted after reading all your posts. After I made my post this morning I phoned my manager and said I was taking a sick day. I turned the ringer off on my phone, turned my cell off, shut my computer down, and totally wept off and on all day long. I let a lot of pain out, it felt like every cell in my body was weeping. I had flashbacks off and on all day to other similar hurts and intolerance and ignorance I have had to face and endure. Why are people so cruel? Sometimes the pain I feel accepting Melissa's suicide is more than I can express with words. I think I have accepted it and then I long to be held and to hold again and screaming inside it just can't be! So much tragedy I have had to endure and overcome. I have never given up and I am not going to now. In a way I feel like thanking that woman yesterday for her comment has given rise for a lot of pain to be released today. Pain that needed to come up to the surface and be washed away with my tears. Pain I never knew I had. I think I have been in denial some as a way to keep going. The facilitator was aware of the comment made in the moment. I as Marty put felt like I had been stabbed in the heart, a heart that just has had to endure far more than her share of stabs. How much can one heart endure? I looked to the facilitator after this woman made the comment expecting she would say something..anything but nothing. Her body language told me that she was appalled but no words came from her mouth. She looked to the next person to begin their "check in". I felt like I did not matter. I sat there for about 10 minutes more and then just got up and literally ran out of the room. The facilitator did run after me and said please don't leave. I did not turn around, I just kept running all the way to my car and drove home. I have not checked voicemails yet and don't plan to tonight; so the facilitator may have called today. Marty, thank you for acknowledging my courage. Thank you for the resources. Thank you for reminding me of Eleanor Roosevelt's statement. I also admire Rosa Parks and Nelson Mandella. Thank you again everyone. I wish all of us healing and bless us all. Carol Ann

I feel so different and it is so hard. I need to find other lesbian's who have lost their spouse. Tried out a grief support group yesterday and it was painfully hard. One member during "check in" who was just after me; actualy said she would not be able to continue if I was allowed to stay in the group. She said lesbianism is a sin. Doesn't seem to be any grief support groups in my town specifically for lesbians. I hope it has not been difficult for anyone here to hear me talk about my pain. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Ron B., I am sorry for your lonliness. It takes courage to share our personal struggles and you are doing it! I encourage you to continue reaching out. I hope you do get a cat! Pets offer us unconditional love and companionship. They intuitively know when to leave us alone or come and be with us. Courage to you, Carol Ann

Marty, Thank you so much for sharing this....wonderful. Thank you for the links too! Bless you for the work that you do. Thanks, Carol Ann

Marty, How do I add the photo I have uploaded to my profile page to also show on posts I make below my handle of Sunstreet and above where it says advanced member? On my profile it says I have not updated my status yet? What is this and how do I update it? Computer literacy is still a work in progress for me... Blessings, Carol Ann

Melina, I so hear that you are finding the lonliness difficult. I understand and would like to share a bit more about myself and how I cope in hopes it may help. I find it very difficult to open up to anyone, or let anyone in, due to the incest and violence I was raised in. It is very difficult for me to trust as a result of my past. It is a daily struggle for me. Melissa, was able to see past all my defenses and saw the deeply wounded child within and set about to love that child, comfort that child even if I was unwilling to even acknowledge that it was me. Melissa was the first person, I let in behind all of my defenses and walls. Similarly, I saw the wounded child in her due to her past. We put no pressure on each other and respected each other's need for distance at times. We encouraged each other to have a self, separate from us. I believe it was God that brought Melissa and I together and we shared a glorious love that no-one can take from me, not even her choice to suicide. I have no family that I can call or lean on. I have no friends that I share with or lean on. I share here with total strangers who are brought together by loss and trying to heal and blossom in life again. I sometimes have a mental image of all of us here, standing in a circle, hand in hand, and our dear loved ones who have died looking upon us and sighing with relief at knowing we are doing our best to learn to live without them. This image comforts me and helps my lonliness. Melina, the things that help me with my lonliness are talking with Melissa and God, my cat, my work, volunteering at a long term care facility by reading to the elderly who can no longer see. Volunteering with a local animal rescue group and help to remove animals from abusive situations. Volunteering at a local women's centre. I paint, I write, I play Mahjong, and Shanghai, and I come here to offer support, to receive support. I see a therapist, and continue to work on letting people past my defenses on a daily basis. I continue to live a life that Melissa and I shared. One thing I can share that helped me, before I started to act to change my deep lonliness, I accepted it and just let the tears flow as they needed to. Courage to you, Carol Ann

I am so sorry for your loss and the ensuing journey of grief. I hope it helps to know that I understand. I too lost a sister, she suicided. Take good gentle care, feed yourself, get rest when you can, and know that I and others understand. Blessings, Carol Ann

I want to share one of my rituals I do every night in the hopes it may also help you. I believe this is what Melissa wants for me. Melissa, was the type of woman that when she walked into a room, she commanded the room. Not in a forceful way but in a gentle confident way. Melissa, was a survivor as myself. We completed each other. I let her in, and she let me in. I was so blessed, and still am. Our love continues, she will be in my heart always. I looked at her picture for the first time a little while back and I sobbed, but tears of joy, in rememberance of what our life was together. I hope that you all will feel this joy too one day. Melissa's suicide is only one moment of our life together and if I focus only on that surely I would die. Melissa is not defined by her choice to end her life, and our love is not defined by that choice. You can find one of my rituals I do every night at the following website: http://www.mayyoubeblessedmovie.com/ May we all be blessed, Carol Ann ps: tried to attach the file but said it was too big

Oh dear Melina, I pray you just let the tears flow as they want to come and try not to worry how long they last, or when it will stop. It will be 7 years for me this December 25 and I was once where you are right now. It will ease is all I can reassure you with. I would be concerned if you were not able to cry. It is a horrible deep loss that transcends into our souls and it hurts beyond what words alone can describe. I believe the more we can let the waves of pain come as they may, the more able we are to endure that wave of pain, and the more able the pain transforms into something we can carry and enjoy life again. I will leave you with two quotes that I have framed on my on my bedroom wall. I hope they help you as they have me. Blessings, Carol Ann TEARLESS GRIEF BLEEDS INWARDLY ~ Christian Nevell Bovee LET YOUR TEARS COME..LET THEM WATER YOUR SOUL ~ Eileen Mayhew

Tammy, I am sorry that you have this tough situation in front of you. My thoughts are that you should try not to make big decisions right now. I believe it best to just affirm the love you and Jeff shared with your step daughters. My heart weeps with you. Write about your anger here, in a journal, but try not to give it to Jeff's ex for now. Your grief is so fresh and you don't need toxic people like Jeff's ex in your journey at present. I would try to keep the ex at a respectable distance. I wish you courage and wisdom as you face this challenge. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear MZM, I am so sorry that you were at such a place of despair that you attempted to take your own life. I am so grateful that you were not successful. I encourage you to let yourself feel the hate, the anger, but not to let it destroy you. I encourage you to bring yourself back to the fact that you were blessed to have loved and been loved. No-one's behavior, words, can alter that fact. To err is human, to forgive is devine. Blessings, Carol Ann

Thank you so much for sharing.....blessings....Carol Ann