Cindi

Dear Sweet Drew Oh, how my heart aches for you. And as was mentioned earlier, you can always talk to the moms here (me included). My mom told me a couple of months before she died that she had bags in her closet that were labeled for my two sisters and I. I tore that closet up and never did find what she was talking about. There were envelopes with our names on them that just had photos that were relevant to each of us. It really hurt me (even though there are many things she left) because what I wanted was something she wanted me to have. I, too, really miss my mom. My aunt (my mom's younger sister) e-mails me often and I cry every time I read one of her e-mails. She is basically letting me know that she is "here" for me but in the end I realize she's the closest thing I have to a mother now. Fortunately, she and I have always had a good relationship. When I read everyone's postings here, I realize it doesn't matter how you lose your Mom. Whether it is expected or unexpected, the pain we bear is the same. I don't have any words of wisdom to impart but I'm here, I'll listen, and I'll always respond. You all are what keeps me holding on. Love, Cindi

I fit this topic as well. Hearing my crying dad say "Go if you have to, but stay as long as you can." I remember the night before my Mom had the seizure that caused the significant brain damage. She seemed so defeated. Remembering what she looked like in death, and not wanting to leave because I knew I would not see her again in this world. Just writing this makes me cry...I could not for the life of me talk about this to anyone without falling to pieces. So much better to put it in writing. Very hard to remember the fun times.

Dear One: Nothing at all you are doing right now is weird, strange, or out-of-the ordinary. Remember you are mostly likely experiencing something you've never experienced before. I had lost a close grandmother about 12 years ago but she was ready to go and told us this many times. It made her death so much more acceptable to us. But when my Mom died almost five months ago, it was the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to feel? How do I make through each minute of each day? Because I miss her each minute of each day. I truly believe there are no rules---no standards for this time of our lives. I'm told eventually we will be coping better than we ever imagined. Don't question your feelings and whether they are right or wrong. Someday, you'll look back at these feelings and their meanings will make sense to you. I am so sorry for your loss. Keep coming back...as I read earlier in one of your replies...and its so true...this is a safe kind place for you. My heart aches for you! Cindi

Dearest Neicey: I, too, lost my mom in September and didn't get a chance to say goodbye. She had a seizure that was so severe it caused a great deal of brain damage, and although she was still alive, she was unresponsive. They kept telling us she could hear so we talked to her often, laid with her, kissed her. We got to do that for a week and then she was gone. I'm glad you found us. This is the one place where I feel I can let it all out. Please stay with us and no matter what you are feeling, share it...its okay, you are very much entitled to the pain in your life right now. Love, Cindi

My dear sweet Drew: I've had all of those feelings. Don't want to go to work, don't want to cook dinner, don't want to do anything at all. I still frequently have these feelings. I have not question my faith, because I know its real but I am mad at God and God knows I'm mad at him. I also know that he's okay with my anger. He, if anyone, can take it. He knows that I have so many unanswered questions. He also knows that the day will come when those questions are answered. Do that ease my pain and grief. No, it doesn't. I'm sure that there will be many fires that I will have to walk through before I can reach that stage of acceptance. You are always in my thoughts. I have mentioned you to several people because you impress me so much. You appear extremely driven and you are so wise for your years. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are entitled to every feeling (good or bad) that you experience. You have all of my support. Hang in there, sweetie. I'll tell you something else...I have three kids and can seriously say that I love them more than anything in the world. I know your mother loved you that much and probably even more. Don't forget her love...keep it in your heart. Love, Cindi

Dear mduwyenie I am so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom almost five months ago from medical negiligence. No surgery, no nothing. She went to the hospital for low blood sugar and should have been released within an hour. They kept her because she had a heart arrythmia. All of sudden she begans having seizures which the doctors won't acknowledge because they didn't show up on the many EEGs she had. Note: unless you have a seizure during the EEG, it won't show up on the test. They also said that instead of seizures she was afraid. My mom for almost 50 years who had lived with me for the last 12...they know better than I do what's happening? They don't and ultimately, the seizures kill her. All of this in about 2 1/2 months. Please know how much I feel your pain. Stay with us here...it does help!

Thank you all for your kindness and words of wisdom...I so take them to heart. I agree, if we weren't loved so much our pain would not be so bad. I'm glad I was loved so much. Love, Cindi

Sandra: How fortunate to have had a mother who set such a beautiful example for you. We had no warning the we would lose my mom or I sure she would have had some pearls of wisdon for us. I know that she loved us completely, was often humorous and believe it or not, she was the kindest, most gentle, sweetest person I've ever known. She seldom had a harsh word for anyone. I have a nephew who is a total metrosexual and I often teased him about that. My mom (who never asked what was a metrosexual) defended him each and every time I would say something. I love to pick on my nephew. After her death when I told him the story, even he said "but I am a metro." Bless my mom's sweet heart. When we were kids and not settling to bed well, she would come in and give us the serious "you kids stop it and get to sleep." We would say "are you laughing?" She responded "no, I am not laughing" and again we would say "are you sure you're not laughing?" and soon enough we would have her laughing. She remembered this well as as kids and then grandkids came along guess who would say "are you laughing?" One of my favorite memories. I have one grandson who is a little over a year old and boy, everytime I see him I hear my mom saying "are you laughing?" I think that that is probably what she wants us to do. In time, maybe we will. Drew..I'm glad your friend's mom came through...good news for you and my daughter will be here tomorrow...good news for me. God Bless

A house full of people, dogs, a cat, a bird, a turtle and fish. A job full of co-workers. Yet I find no one who wants to hear what I have to say and little if no support. I miss my Mom...

Whiteswan: On February 11th it will be five months since I lost my Mom. 2007 started bad and ended worse for me. In January, y son was incarcerated for crimes related to drug addiction, my ex-brother-in-law (and still a friend), killed himself in March. In April another brother-in-law was in a car accident with his girlfriend and the girlfriend died. In May, I lost a dog and then my Mom in September. I am still a basket case. I can start crying for no good reason at just about anytime. I also remember all of the incidents that led to my Mom's death and any memory at all makes me tear up. I've cried so much that I think I should be at least 100 lb lighter. The only thing I can say to you is that I feel your pain and understand it. I find the world isn't so accepting. They want us to walk around with smiles on our faces and a bounce in our step. We, one day will prevail but how awful would we feel if a loved one died and we didn't have these emotions. It tells us how much we loved and were loved. I didn't know what a broken heart really felt like until now. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone.

I was fortunate when it came to the DNR. My mother had told me many, many times that she did not want to be kept alive on tubes. That's why I had to do it...it was what she wanted. She lasted a week from that time with no indication at all that she knew we were there. My Dad told her "go if you have to, but stay as long as you can." He and I are both pretty angry with God. And that's okay...If anyone can take it its Him. My dad just keeps saying "we needed her more. She was fine one day, her glucose levels dropped and we thought she was having a stroke and that started our odyssey. I'm thinking, okay, an iv to bring up the levels and the next thing I know, its a couple of months later and she's gone. No goodbyes, no I love yous, gone. I know she loved us...we were her life. She was so concerned that she was a burden but the only one whoever thought that was her. How I wish she knew that. I'm really missing her today.

It's just so hard to move on. I can't even put her clean clothes away. They've sat at the foot of my bed in a basket for three and a half weeks. It just seems like she should come in and say, "Hey, put those clothes away!" Drew: I know what you mean. I found a necklace in my mom's jewelry box. Its a heart locket with a horseshoe inside. I decided to wear it because I was hoping it would bring me luck. Then one day, I wondered if perhaps it had belonged to my grandmother. When I realized my mom was not here to ask, I lost it again. It just doesn't seem to take much. Hugging you! Cindi

Holidays were hard. First, on Thanksgiving my husband invited some neighbors and I wish that he would have asked first. I think our family needed this time alone. Then my birthday. I told everyone, pretend its just another day. I don't feel like having a birthday right now. My mom is gone and it will just be too hard for me. Christmas went a little better...we actually listened to a song my dad had picked especially for the occasion. One sister read something she wrote. So it felt a little more like we were making sure that we knew she was there. We take my dad to a casino when we can. He likes that, and its a good distracation. You know my mom died right before I turned 50 and in all of those years I had never seen my dad cry. Not even when he lost his mother and then one summer he lost like 3 or 4 of his brothers and sisters and still, no tears. He cries a lot now, and I'm glad he does, but it breaks my heart to see his grief and to know that I can't make it better. He wants so much to receive some kind of sign from my mom but nothing yet. Me, I dream about her but she is always in the hospital dying. When we realized that she would not recover from the brain damage, we had to sit my dad down and explain that we needed to initiate the DNR/DNI. That is what she wanted. Once the decision was made they removed everything, even the IV. I did not expect that and it was hard to deal with. Dad has had some good days and then days where he stays up most of the night listenting to music that means something special to him. In fact, I spent a weekend downloading a ton of songs he wanted and burned to CDs. He can't see well...has wet and dry macular degeneration in both eyes and nothing more can be done medically. I found a product called Videoeye which I think would help him a lot but my husband was laid off just as my my was dying and I can't afford it. I've written Oprah and Ellen. Maybe they would be willing to help out. In the meantime, lets cry when we need to, remember always, and be grateful for the time (however short it was) that we had these special people in our lives. It doesn't make the hurt go away but we need to give them all the love we have...they gave it to us first.

I am so grateful to all of you for your support. It means more to me than I can even began to explain. I have to say that although every detail that led to the loss of my beautiful Mom was horrible, the one good thing (and the only thing I am thankful for) is Hospice of the Valley. Initially, my dad wanted to bring Mom home but Hospice was not sure if they had someone available for in-home care. Based on that we had her transfered to Palm Valley where both my Dad and I stayed with her 24-7. The morning following her admission the aide came in with a breakfast tray. I'm surprised and wondering what are they thinking? My Mom is comatose. The next thing that happened was that the aide came in again with another tray. The food was for my dad and I. In the midst of our despair, it was such a beautiful gesture. Hospice provided gentle care and respectfulness to all of us. They took much better care of my Mom than the hospitals where she stayed prior to coming to Hospice. They bathed her every other day, changed her clothes and kept her comfortable. The day she died, a harpist showed up and asked if she could play for my Mom. We agreed, and she began to play gospel music (songs my mother especially liked) even though we gave her no information other than Mom likes gospel music. The last song she played was "In the Garden" and when the song ended, Mom took her last breaths and died. How incredible that she entered the Kingdom on God on the notes of a harp. On another note, I passed my boss in the hall today and he told me to "smile." Its really hard to smile when I'm so consumed with grief. My daughter was supposed to be here this week from Reno, but the plans fell through. My 18-month old grandson is a joy and he's the only one who makes us laugh. I am so disappointed. Again, I love you all for helping me realize I'm not crazy or over reacting. Everyone of you holds a near and dear place somewhere inside my broken heart. I wish you all courage during the hardest of journies. Thank you with all my heart.

Drew: I have read some of your postings...you are an incredible, sensitive soul. I can see that these will become great assets as you get older. You'll likely be more sensitive to your wife and very involved with your children. You have more wisdom than your age belies. I appreciate that you feel my pain and understand what grieving really is. Remember as you enter the workforce that no one on their deathbed has ever said I wish I'd spent more time at the office. My mom's seizure took her away even before she actually died. So even though we laid with her, caressed her, kissed her and told her how very important she was to us and oh, how much we loved her, we won't know until we meet again if she could hear us. I wanted so much to say...See ya soon, Mom. I am amazed at how much broken heart hurts. Take care, Drew. I'll be in touch again. Lori L. and Shell...thanks for your kind thoughts and gentle care. After four months, I believe I finally found where I need to be. With people who understand and feel the way I do. I often cry on my way home from work every day. And I need to put myself first right now. I know I'm on a pity pot, but there are times when I think pity pots are acceptable. I won't worry about others except those of you who know what I'm trying to articulate because we are or have been in the exact same place. I've even told my not-so-supportive husband that he can't dump anything on me right now. I've got much important things to handle. Even though its impossible to conceive, I know there will be a time when life won't seem so hard and happiness can start leaking in drop by drop by tiny little drop. Your lost ones are most certainly proud of you participation in this forum and I'm sure it helps them overcome the sadness they must have felt when it was time to go. My cup runneth over with gratefulness to you all.

I've been looking for four months for a place where I could talk about how I feel. I've read over and over that when you lose someone, part of the healing is to talk about it. Well guess what? No one I've met until now wants to talk. Its too morose or something. What are they afraid of? We're the ones who are suffering. So I go to work with grief all the way to the top of my neck and you won't believe this...but I actually got written up for crying at work which was a bunch of hooey because I only cried the first day back. I sweat excessively from my head and I was working in the copy room and I think someone must have seen me wiping sweat from face and reported me to H/R for crying. H/R tells me that I can't be so unapproachable, that I have to be friendly, smile and talk to my co-workers. H/R tells me that by the way, most here don't know that I recently lost my mom. I'm just not that strong. Several years ago, my nephew was rendered a quadriplegic as a result of a car accident. I remember seeing my mom standing next to his hospital bed and crying. He did not know the full extent of his injuries at that time so I told my mom "don't let him see you!" Her response? "I can't help it. When I was born I asked God for extra slenderizer and he thought I said tenderizer and that's why I cry so easily." Its one of my favorite memories but when she died, she ended up with God again and got to get that misunderstanding cleared up. Guess who got the tenderizer? My husband says "you should be done grieving by now. I'm depressed, I'm sad, I don't want to do anything. Its takes a great deal of effort to get up and go to work every day. I have no friends, and I'm angry with my sisters who can't seem to make much time for my dad. He's done so much for us all and I can't believe that they would do this to him. I expected much more from my younger sister and find that I can hardly talk to her now. My dad (and formerly my mom) have lived with us for about 11 years and my sisters are less than 10 miles away. I'll be back for more venting later on. Seems to help get some stuff off of my chest. Thanks for listening.

Dawn: I get it...I want to run down the freeway screaming out my pain. I lost my mom a little over four months ago. My daughter was here at the time but headed home at Thanksgiving. Was supposed to be here this week but it fell through and everyone thinks I'm crazy because I came unglued when I found out she wouldn't be here. I am so sad.

2007 started out badly...I should have taken it to heart. My son was arrested for crimes related to drug addiction and sent to prison for 3 years. Ex-brother in law died and girlfriend of another brother-in law killed in car accident. What turned my world upside down was the loss of my mother on 9/11. She should not have died. Somehow, somewhere medical mismanagement resulted in seizures in a woman who had never, ever, had a seizure before. In and out of the hospital for 2 months and the last trip when we found that the last seizure had damaged her brain beyond repair. She was only 73. My parents have lived with my husband and I for the last 11 years. She had parkinson's and mobility was becoming an issue, but she was sure of mind and spirit. Before we know it she's gone. My parents were married for 55 years and were joined at the hip. My father's grief is hard to watch. Its been four months and it seems like an eternity. I am upset by the littlest curve and don't know what to do. My husband is extremely unsupportive and though I've heard that I need to talk about this, I have no one to talk to. I feel like I've fallen and can't get up. Anti-anxiety and anti-depressants don't seem to make much difference. I have problems sleeping even though I take a sleeping aid. I want to crawl in a corner and stay there forever. My motivation factor equals -100. How can I get through this? It seems to get harder every day.