tootie

Thank you Flo, I think I have managed to appologize to everyone that matters, for being so nasty. The good thing is that eventhough they do not know how I feel, they love me enough to understand what I am saying & to forgive me. I thank you for all of the things you have said, & for being here when I need to be reminded that I am not the only one who feels this way. For some reason it makes me feel better to know that there are peeps put there who know exactly how I feel. Peeps who understand what I am going through. Thank you. Tootie

As I sit here tonight I can only think of where I was 2 years ago on this night. I was sitting by the side of the most wonderful woman there ever was in my life. I was watching her fade away from me & there was nothing I could do about it except to hold her & tell her how much I love her & how I will never forget how much she loves me. The pain I feel today, 2 years later, is like reliving the whole night all over again. It is like it is all happening as I type. I just want to be alone yet I have 2 children who need me, & my friends call & I say that I do not feel like chatting right now, & they get angry with me. I try to explain the way I feel & they try to tell me they understand, but I know they do not have any idea. I feel like such a bitch, yet I still feel I need this time to myself, as I do not feel I am good company right now. What do I do? I know this is not going to get better for a couple of weeks, as my moms birthday is in only 12 days too. I am so lost, angry & confused I do not know what to do.

Dawnsdream, I know what going through an amputation is all about. My mom did not have diabetes, she had rhumatiod arthuritis. She had to have her left leg taken & when it was to the point that they were going to have to take the other leg, she gave up. She hated the idea of having to live in a nursing home again. She had to be in one when she broke both her legs at the same time, & then again when she had knee surgery. So she had spent over 2 years total in them. She hated being of sound mind & not being able to take care of herself. Losing any loved one is hard, no matter how old you are. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, & I am thinking of you. Tootie

Dustin, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I was not able to get to know any of my grandparents, as my mom was 45 when she had me, so my grandparents were since passed. I was however as close as you were with your grandmother, with my mom. I too took care of her, & did the things you have done. It has been almost two years since my mom has passed away, & I am sorry to tell you that the wound never heals completely. You will learn to cope with the hurt in other ways, & go on with your every day life. You learn that you have to take care of your children, as they need you as much as you need them. I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be fine & you will heal tomorrow, I wish I could take all the hurt away. But my friend, I can not, all I can do is let you know that I am willing to be here to listen if you should need a shoulder to cry on. I have made many friends on this site & they have helped me in ways I never would have thought possible. I would like to return the favor, & help others too. take care, & know that you are not alone out there, & talking always helps. Tootie

I fortunatly did not have this trouble with my mom, she was my best friend, & passed away almost 2 years ago now. But I did have this trouble with my dad....who died Nov. 21 2004.........he was a jerk, mean to me, my hubby & children. I did not go to any of the services for him. I did ask my children if they wanted to go & if they had wanted to I would have taken them. I am the baby of 9 kids & not a one of my siblings or their familys talk to me. It was very hard to deal with the fact that they would not at 1st, but they had already become distant when mom passed away, so I guess to me it was not that much worse. I do however NOT feel quilty or bad because I did not go. I believe that you have to make the decision on your own & as long as you are ok with it then do not worry what others think. Honey you have to live every day with yourself not them. I wish you all the best. Tootie

Kelly, Thank you for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me. I came to this site feeling as if I was the only one who was going through this hell. I have since found that it is definatly here for a reason. It has helped me a lot to deal with my feelings. Thank you again. respectfully yours, Tootie

I can remember it all as if it were thismorning. I took my mom to the hospial because she was not feeling well, & not able to keep food in her system. It was a thursday afternoon, 1:15. Tht Dr. looked at her, & due to the circumstances he decided she should stay there for a few days to get rehydrated & then she could go home. I had 2 children at home, so I stayed till my sister got there at 8:45pm & then went home. I sent my kids to school the next morning, & went straight to the hospital where i spent the whole day at my moms side. She was so sick all I could do was hold her hands in mine & tell her how much I love her. She would look at me & say "don't worry Tootie I will everything will be ok". Little did I know at that time she was preparing herself for death. You need to understand that she had chrones, & cholitis, rhumitoid arthuritis, had one leg amputated & was going to have to have the other one taken too. And as bad as all of that sounds, her health was ok other than that. You see I was NOT taking my mom to the hospital to die, I was taking her there to get well so I could take her home with me again & continue to take care of her as she had me for all of those years. Saturday mom looked better & she even ate. Wow that was great we all (even the Dr.) were very pleased with her progress. The Dr. told me that if she kept up this well I would be able to take her home on Monday. Saturday went on well & most of my 9 brothers & sisters came to see her, along with many of their children & even their children. I sent them all home, & spent a few more hours holding onto my mom befrore I too went home at 3:00am. I was going to take a shower & get a couple of hours of sleep before I went back to her. It was 4:03 am when I got the call that I should contact all of my family, because mom was going down hill fast. I made it to the hospital by 4:15 & was the 1st one there. Mom took my hand & said "Tootie I have to go". I held her & all I could do was cry. My family then started to arrive, I however did not leave her side. Little did I know that those words were the last ones my mother would ever say. At 5:07 am Sunday morning, she squeesed my hand looked into my eyes & shook her head as if to say goodbye tootie I love you . Like she needed my approval to go. I have her the biggest hug & kiss I ever had & told her mommy it is ok to go so you will not have to suffer any more. She closed her eyes never to awaken again. I held her dead body in my arms & cried & screamed for about an hour. I told her I was so sorry I brought her to the hospital & I did not mean for her to die. I told everyone in the room how sorry I was for taking their mom, & grandma away. My family finally had to pry me off of her & my wonderful husband carried me to the car & took me home. The next few days are all a blur. I went through the motions not knowing what I was doing or how I would be able to go on without my mom for the rest of my life. I still to this day say goodnight to my mom every night as if she were right there with me. I am so sorry that I took her to the hospital to die. I thought I was going to make her better.

Like always I am so sorry for your loss. I too am so lost without my mom. I got to share a few more years with her as I am 35, but it is still not any easier. I just thought I would quickly reply to let you know I am here to talk to you if you so wish. It does help to talk to others, & I wish I would have found this site with all of these wonderful understanding peeps a lot sooner than I did. Tootie

hello there, I know exactly what you are going through, except my mom passed away only 12 days before her birthday, so everything was still so new. My son actually came up with the idea of how to celabrate her big day & for the last 2 years that is just what we have done. We all get together as a family & have dinner & cake, then we go outside & let balloons go & wish mom a happy birthday. we do not decorate the cake or anything extream, but we do have cake together. Each child picks their own balloon & we all let them go up to heaven with grandma. It sure helps me. We plan for the big day, & that helps us a lot too. Some peeps think we are nuts for celabrating a birthday for someone who has passed away, but this is how we cope. I do hope you find a way to get through the big day, & my prayers are with you. Tootie

I just got a photo album from my sister today, she made one of them for all 9 of us kids. You see we lost Mom almost 2 years ago, & Dad only Nov. 21st 2004. The album was filled with pictures of the both of them. Wow, it was one of the best gifts a child could ask for, but it was so hard to look at. And you are right it brought every memory back I even had flash backs of mom passing right in front of my eyes. I showed my children the album, but all I could do was cry. Why is it still so hard. I miss my mom so much. I miss dad too, but not the way I miss my mom. Mom & I were best friends, ya know the kind you can share anything with, at any time. I look at the pictures, & wish so much that she was here with me to share life with. People say life goes on, yes it may, but the quality is just not there. I wish that I could go be with her, but then I know that my children would feel the same way I do. So please tell me how & when does it get better? For me it only seems to get worse with time. I seem to miss her more & more each day. Tootie

Hello all, I just thought I would drop a few lines to let you know I am thinking of you all on this new years eve. Another so called landmark in our times. Mom loved to get together & have lots of family, friends, food & fun, tonight, so that is what I am going to try to do. I hope you all have a wonderful new years eve & get the new year started off right. Tootie

Gee the whole tome I was growing up my mom sang all the time. We were so happy when we were singing, & cristmas was the best time of the year. It never failed wherever we were we always had a song to sing. Well I still love to sing, but I can not make myself listen to christmas misic. My kids want to listen to some, but I will not have it. Then when they do play some all I can do is cry, be sad. Then they feel bad. What the heck am I supposed to do? I am supposed to be the adult, but I sure do not feel like on right about now. Any sugestions will be more than welcome. Thank you.

Yes I know x-mas is supposed to be for the kids & oh so fun. That is why I feel so bad. You see last year was my 1st x-mas without mom, but I was staying with my sister, so I did not have to decorate at all. Now this year I have a home of my own & bringing out all of the decorations was really hard. I have so many that I got from my mom, that the kids got from her, as I handed them to the children to put on the tree I cried & remembered each & every one. With all of my crying, my poor children kept asking mommy why are you crying? Christams is supposed to be a happy time. Grandma would want us to be happy. But then by the end of the box of tree ornaments, & a box of kleenex, my kids were in my arms crying too. I am so sorry I made them feel so sad. What was I to do? I could not hold it in, it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. We all sat & held eachother for almost an hour & did nothing but talk about Grandma. Then they both went their own ways, they still had tears in their eyes. Man I feel so bad they both even went to bed crying. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt my children. That is why I always wait till they are at school or in bed & then I sit & cry & think about mom. This is the 1st time since her services that I have done this. I feel like such a bad mom.

The day my mom passed away, I was feeling really blue, so I decided to log on to my computer, just for something to do. Well much to my suprize this poem appeared right before my eyes. I can not explain it I still do not know why, except that mommy did not want me to cry. This poem has really helped me get through some tough times, so I would like to share it with all of you. Well who knows it might help you too. Hugs From Heaven When you feel a gentle breeze caress you when you sigh, it's a hug sent down from heaven from a loved one way up high. If a soft & tender raindrop falls upon your nose, It's an angel kiss as fragile as a rose. If a song you hear fills you with sweet love, it's a hug sent down from heaven from someone special up above. If you awaken in the morning to a blue birds chirping song, it's music sent from heaven to cheer you all day long. If a tiny little snowflake lands upon your face, it's a hug sent down from heaven all trimmed with angel lace. So keep the joy in your heart if you're lonley my dear friend, for hugs sent down from heaven a broken heart will mend.

Hello, I am new to all of this, as I have kept to myself for almost 2 years now. My mom passed away on March 30, 2003. Only 12 days before her birthday. I am the baby of 9 children, & yes I was a spoiled brat my siblings would say, but mom said there was no such thing. She just gave me lots of love. When my mom died I felt like a large part of me dies with her. All I wanted to do is find a way to die so I could be with her. But you see I have 2 children & a wonderful husband, so deep down in my heart I knew mom would want me to stay here to take care of them. It has been almost 2 years now, & things are not much better, I still cry evry day. I never thought I could love & miss someone sooooooo much, but boy was I wrong. She was my life. She awlays knew what to do in every situation, good & bad. I love this site, because I feel I have all kinds of friends here that are in the same boat as me & you don't know it, but you are all helping me through. I would like to thank you all & I will pray for all of you the same as I do for myself each night. love, Tootie