DebFromLodi

Thank you, everyone, for writing to me. Everyone here is so kind and understanding and I thank God I found this site. I pray for all of you through this terrible time we face.

Three years ago today, I went to the convalescent hospital in the morning to visit my mom. She was sitting up in her chair, saw me and said "hiiii" as big as could be. She looked at me and said "i love you, i love you, i love you. I am hungry." Thank God, i had taken a meatloaf sandwich for her that morning, and i fed her. She ate it completely gone. We visiting for awhile and I left, never again to see her sitting up and conversing with me or anyone else. Two days later, we got the call saying she was non responsive and a few short hours later, at 11:34 a.m. on 2/2/08 we watched our mother pass away. I miss her so much.

Reading your story totally took me back to the morning we watched our mom pass away. I felt every single feeling you wrote. I miss my mom so very much and yes, I too wish I could hear her answer the phone just ONE MORE TIME. When they called from the "home" and said my mom was non responsive, she was just laying there, her arms crossed on her chest. She was breathing softly and comfortably with the oxygen to her nose, like your mom. The was around 6 a.m. on 2/2/08. We all gathered around her and told her we loved her, then at 11:34 a.m. she took her final breath and left us.

I can't believe how I totally relived the moment while reading your post. Thanks for sharing with us. We all know exactly how you are feeling and I pray we all get through this.

One thing I would like to say to her on that day: Mom, you were with each of us kids when we took our first breath. We were with you when you took your last breath. I love you, Mom.

Hope im not too late to jump into this discussion. I am a personal support worker, I work in a nursing home with the elderly, and i have seen many residents come and go and their families are always distrought. A parent is a parent and its so incredably difficult to go on with life without them. I have to say though the neglect in our healthcare systems certianly doesnt discriminate. My mother was 49 years young, she went back and forth from our hospital and family pysician from april to october 2010. The doctors treated her as if she was a pest, she thought she was going crazy, she had constant headaches, night sweats and nausia. One doctor in emerg actually said to her " im not here to cure you jill, im here to treat your symtoms, so i suggest you take some tylenol and go to bed."

After that incident I had enough and was very concerned for her. I took her to the emerg in the city and with 32 hours after we arrived she was diagnosed with lymphoma. That was on October the 8th. They sent her home and told her she would soon be starting chemo. 6 weeks later still no chemo and several phone calls to the hospital as to why with no definitive answers. She was sent up on the 14th of november for a secpnd biopsey and the next day we had to rush her back to the hospital. Her skin and whites of her eyes were yellow, she was having renal failure. They suddenly had a rush on the 2nd biopsey which took them only 3 days to complete, and she started chemo on the 25th. One hour after her first chemo treatment her vital signs dropped and we had to make a decisions to try to help her body with a breathing tube and dialysis, she passed away the next day. I feel as though the health care system failed my mother and family miserably. I have so much anger inside it physically hurts my chest. She left behind a devoted loving husband, three children and seven grandchildren under 6.

I get the anger too. When my mom was in rehab after knee replacement surgery. They were basically kicking her out saying she was rehabilitated. Well, she could not walk, could not feed herself, could not dress herself, was on too much medication and when I tried to fight it, the woman in charge said "I don't think you even want your mom to return home." Well, I blew it and said a few words I shouldn't have said and called the amsbudsmen (can't spell it) and she got to stay 6 more weeks. But at the end of that time, it was too late. They left her in bed too long and too many drugs later, we finally had to put her in a nursing home for constant care. She almost died once, but they gave her a blood transfusion and she survived almost another year, but at the home. The four of us, plus all our kids, were there daily. On Feb 2, 2008 they called us saying she was non responsive. We were all with her at 11:34 a.m. when she left us. I think of her constantly, missing and loving her. Talking to her all the time. Praying for a sign from her...but nothing comes to me. I pray for all of us to find comfort.

my mom went in for knee replacement surgery. we told them not to give her too many drugs after surgery, she could not handle it. but they did not listen. she was drugged and sent to rehab where they drugged her more and left her in bed all day. brought a tray of food, set it in front of her and picked it up an hour later. never tried to feed her, she lost over forty pounds. then they called us to sit with her at night, they said she kept trying to escape and they could not control her. at this time, she was actually walking by herself, but was so drugged she did not know what she was doing. we took turns at her bedside 24/7 for awhile. they tried to get her to walk for awhile, but gave up and left her in bed. then they said she could go home, we fought them saying she could not eat, could not walk or take care of herself. we won the fight and she stayed another six weeks till they basically kicked her out and she had to go live with my brother. it was a mess. we finally had to put her in a "home" for constant care. she never did walk again and on 2/2/2008 they called us saying she was non responsive and we all gathered at her bedside and watched her slip away. she was 91 when she passed. she was 89 when the surgery was done. we should have done something to the rehab center, but did not. we just never thought she would die. if only we could go back and do it differently. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MOM.

I don't think it ever gets any better, but it does get easier. Does that make sense? It is like the feeling I have now: I am getting use to not having my mom here. I hate the feeling, but it is real. You just go through different changes and soon it is easier to bear. But you never, ever stop missing them or loving them or wishing and praying that they could come back just for one day, one minute...so you could see them one more time and hear them say they love you. I think your mind and heart just goes through different ways of dealing with the loss and that is why it gets easier. You adjust to the terrible loss in your life. But that, too, takes time so be kind to yourself. It will be 3 years in Feb. since my mom has been gone. I am sure I will go through many more changes as time goes by. I pray for you.

I know it is probably not a comfort to you but we all feel the same way, my friend. I would give anything in the world for one more day with my mom and i would tape our conversation so I could play it back on days when I need to hear her voice. Just one more day with her. I pray to God to let me dream of her and remember that dream, but God never hears my prayers, I guess. But I will pray for you and for all who have come and will come to this site. If we could just receive a sign from them.....

You are so very, very lucky to remember your dreams. I don't know if it is from all the years of smoking (I have quit smoking for almost 2 years now) but I know I dream. For the life of me I cannot remember them. And I never dream about my mom, or at least that I know of.

My daughter always dreams of my mom. I pray and pray for God to send her to me in a dream that I can remember but it NEVER happens.

Patty: here is what we do on Christmas. I take a small decorated tree to the gravesite for my mom and dad. This is only my 3rd Xmas without her and, sadly, I am getting used to her not being here. I don't understand that feeling and don't necessarily like it, but I do feel it. I miss her so much and love her more than words can say.

Oh MartyT, thank you so very, very much for the kind words. I just love this place, I always leave it feeling better.

Thanks to all of you.

Thanks to all of you for your good thoughts and well wishes, unfortunately I had to have her put to sleep yesterday. It was heart failure and not fixable. I did not stay with her when they put her to sleep, would have been too much to handle. They promised me to hold her tight till she went fully to sleep before giving her the second shot. They are good people there and i believe them.

Yes, I am choosing to believe that my mom and Funky are now reunited. That I was just taking care of her for my mom until Funky's day to go to Heaven. I believe that pets go to Heaven, though people say they don't have spirits. Why would God create such wonderful animals?

Thanks again for being here for me, as always.

Thanks so much for answering me. This is the nicest place to come when you need a friend.

I guess i have to have my mom's cat put to sleep today. When i use to stay at my mom's house and take care of her, this cat would stay in bed with me all night. i promised her that someday i would repay her and i did when my mom had to go to the "home", I took her cat, Funky, as my own. That was about three years ago. She is a good cat and I love her so much. She is the last living thing i have of my mom's. Last night she got sick and now today i take her to the vet. I am sure i will have to have her put to sleep, she is by the way, about 17 years old. Just kind of like losing my mom all over again. I always felt my mom's spirit was inside Funky. Sounds dumb, i guess.

Anyway, wish me luck.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I remember the one year mark with my mom. The four of us kids met at the cemetery and prayed, holding hands at the exact time of her death, which was 11:34 on 2/2/08. It made all of us feel a little closer to her.

Good luck to you and God be with you. I pray your mom sends you a special sign. So you lost your mom and dad within a year? I am sending you a cyber hug. I am so sorry you have to go through this, I promise it will get a little easier as time goes on. There will be really bad days, but good ones as well. Good memories will take over the bad.

God be with you on your journey.

Can I just say how i wish i would have known the kind of love you all had with your dads? My dad was an alcoholic and i think he loved us, in his way, but he never showed us or told us. so i grew up with a void in my life, and i went through life trying to replace the love of a father. Sounds like i am feeling sorry for myself, and i am sorry if that is what i am doing. i guess you can't miss something you never had though.

my mom loved the four of us enough for both of them, and she told us and showed us daily. i have never doubted her love. when i lost her on 2/2/08 at 11:34 am, i lost my self. i miss her so much.

i am praying for everyone here to heal and may we all receive a sign from above.

I understand as well. I want to go back to a happier time when i lived at home with my mom and dad and had no worries. The only things i had to worry about were things like what i was going to wear to school etc. Life was so much easier back then. Happier too.

I understand how you are feeling. I feel like an orphan myself...no mom and no dad.

I will pray for you and wish i had some words of advise for you, but i, too, am trying to find out who i am without them.

Good luck on your journey.

Anthony, thanks for sharing your story. Things you said at the end made me feel good inside. My mom has been gone since 2/2/2008 11:34 am and i still miss her terribly.

She would have been 94. She has been gone since 2/2/2008. This is her 3rd birthday without her and i miss her so much. We took flowers to her and my dad's grave on Saturday and sang to her. Does it ever get easier?

Patty, I remember my first birthday without my mom. It just felt like something was missing and i reallized it was "the phone call". She would call every year and sing to me. She was always the first one to call. Now Monday is my mmom's birthday. she has been gone since 2/2/2008 at 11:34 am. She would have been 94. I am going to take her beautiful flowers and possibly let some balloons go and hopefully they will reach Heaven where I know she lives. she was and still is the most important person in my life, for who can take the place of a mother? I miss her so very much.

I do hope that your birthday was a pleasant one, your mom would have wanted that you know.

My prayers to you and everyone else who visits this site.

Karen

Your mom is still alive in every word you wrote. She taught you all the things you need to know in life. Listen to your heart and you will hear your mom's sweet voice.

When we had to put my mom in the "home", and we knew she was never going to be able to go back there, my brother sold the house. It was his, given to him by my uncle, but my mom lived in it since 1954 (the year it was built by my uncles and dad). I was never able to walk through the house after her passing. We also got rid of all her things. Had i known she was going to die, i would have kept so many things that we just sold. But it is ok, i will forever have these memories, thank God.

I, too, use to be so afraid of dying. But ever since my mom died, I am ok with it. I want to be near her again and my faith says I will. I still fear the "letting go" of dying, i think i will fight that but i am not afraid of "being dead" anymore. Strange how things change.

My prayers to all of you.

Something you said really hit home for me. You said you never really knew your dad. My dad was 75 when he died in 1979 and I never knew him. I would give anything to go back in time and take the time to know him, but now it is too late. I never listened to his stories, he was an alcoholic and i never had time for him. Now it is too late.

I think of this song:

The Greatest Man I Never Knew

The greatest man I never knew

Lived just down the hall

And everyday we said hello

But never touched at all

He was in his paper

I was in my room

How was I to know he thought I hung the moon

The greatest man I never knew

Came home late every night

He never had too much to say

Too much was on his mind

I never really knew him

And now it seems so sad

Everything he gave to us took all he had

Then the days turned into years

And the memories to black and white

He grew cold like an old winter wind

Blowing across my life

The greatest words I never heard

I guess I'll never hear

The man I thought could never die

S'been dead almost a year

He was good at business

But there was business left to do

He never said he loved me

Guess he thought I knew

Karen...so very sorry for your loss. i, too, lost my mom but it has been over 2 years. i miss her more and more with each passing day. Please know you are in my prayers for healing.