DebFromLodi

It is so strange how all of us are feeling the same pain. I was once so afraid of death, now not so much. I am still afraid of going from "life" to "death", you know...LETTING GO. But if death would reunite my mom and me, then why fear it? I want so bad to be with her again. It will be two years Feb. 2 since she died. Another Thanksgiving without her, another Christmas. I can hardly bear it. I pray we all find comfort from this site, and i thank God i found it.

I am adding a reply as a test to see if it shows up as a new reply. I think someone needs to fix this site please.

I come to this site everyday, but for the last week, no one has posted anything new. This is too strange and i am thinking something is wrong with the new site?

Thank you for helping me.

You will cry, trust me. Give it time. I did not even cry at my mom's funeral. And she was and still is the love of my life but sometimes i will be sitting here thinking of her and all of a sudden i can't stop crying. My mom died in Feb 2008. Don't try to rush the healing process, we all go through it differently.

He has been dead for 30 years as of Aug 13, 2009. He was an alcoholic, and i was never close to him but what a void i have in my life. I wish i knew what it was like to have a dad, if you understand what i mean. My mom did everything for us, and she just died 2-2-08, but that is another story. I miss my dad and wish i could have told him that i loved him. No, i wish i WOULD HAVE told him. He was always there and i could have told him at any time, we just were not close. Anyway, we are taking flowers to him and my mom today. Thanks for listening.

Thank you so much for the things you wrote. Sorry i did not post earlier, we just got back from Disneyland. I so needed a break.

I will check into those books asap and thanks again.

Debbie

Kathy, thank you so much for your response to my questions. You gave me goose bumps when you told me about your cousin's conversation with your mom. I just find it so hard to understand that, in this lifetime, i will never see my mom again. Never touch her, never hear her sweet voice telling me she loves me. It just seems that not even death should be able to seperate people with that kind of love. Does that make sense?

I talk to my mom constantly and ask for a sign, anything to let me know that she is there. I never, NEVER get an answer. I miss her so much.

Kathy I have a question. You were talking about her spirit being in Heaven, please don't get me wrong, I do believe in Heaven. I am just having such a hard time since my died and need to know if people go to Heaven immediately when they die or do they go to Heaven at the second coming of Christ? I just need to know where my mom is right now. Is she looking down on me or is she just "sleeping"? I love God and talk to Him all day long, I am just searching for answers. I miss my mom so very much.

Your story brought back alot of memories of when i was on drugs and my daughter found out. I have been clean for about 17 years now, thank God. Sounds like the drugs took hold of your mom, believe me, I know that hold. I will pray for you.

Thank you

My mom has been gone for a year and a half and I still feel so empty inside. The house she lived in was actually owned by my brother and when we had to put her in a home, she was no longer able to walk after knee surgery, my brother decided to sell the house. I am so grateful now that he sold it before she died. I drive by the house now, the house i lived in for over 35 years (was too hard to leave my mom, i kept going home) and it just kills me. I want so bad to go inside but know that it would look so different and I could not bear that. Every day and every single night I talk to her, out loud, as if she was really there. I pray for a dream so I can talk to her, but never do.. I just want to see her beautiful face again and hear her tell me she loves me. Her face always lit up and she smiled when I would walk throught the door of the home we had to put her in. Always a big smile and "hiiiiiiiiiii!!!!" and alway "i love you." Then on Feb 2, 2008 we all stood by her bed and watched her slip away. It was 11:34 a.m. She was with us when we came into the world, we were with her when she left.

I love you Mom, and miss you so very, very much.

I honestly believe God sends little angels to watch over them. When people get older, they love children, so he sends what they love.

My mom used to see little kids all the time (from the meds I guess). I always believed they were angels watching over her. She always asked where the baby was, then i guess she found it. Reading your posts brings back so many memories. I just found out today that my aunt (not blood related, but the last person from my dad's generation) passed away 2 days ago. And the 17th of this month will be 30 years since my dad died. My family is sure getting small. My mom still has 1 brother and 5 sisters living but they are all back east and i wish they were closer. I wish I would have gone to see my aunt more, i should have known since she was 96. I hate regrets. I just always think there is always tomorrow, and there isn't.

There are four of us kids and actually just my brother John was home taking a shower when my mom left us. He was about 5 min late but there is a reason for everything. Grandchildren were also around her bed. She was in a convalescent hospital following knee surgery. The first rehab she went to kept her so drugged, she never did recover nor walk again which is I think why the fluid kept building around her heart. I just thank God she was non responsive during all this. It was like she was totally asleep, and yes I heard the death rattle, though I did not know that is what it was at the time. A year prior to this, something similiar happened to her and she was taken to the hospital and given a blood transfusion and did recover. of course she had to go back to the home and sit in that wheel chair 24/7, whlich was no life for her. But she was alive and that gave us all a full year to spend with her, before this happened. Of course we did not know it was going to ever happen again, but this time, we just let her go.

But time has been good to all of us. It truly does heal all. It never stops the love and missing though. Just makes it more bearable.

Carla: my mom died the day your mom was diagnosed. Strange...Feb 2, 2008 at 11:34 a.m. we all gathered around her bed as she slipped away. My thoughts at that time were "Mom, you were with each one of us kids when we came into the world. Today we were all with you when you left this world."

It has been a year and a half and i miss her so very very much. I love her more than words can say. She was my life. She taught me everything and her love never faded no matter what i did.

My daughter and I take her flowers on the 2nd of every month. She was 91 years old and i was fortunate enough to have had almost 57 years with her. I just wish I could dream about her, to talk to her and have her tell me how much she loves me. If i do dream of her, i can never remember them.

But I am doing pretty well considering. The hole in my heart will never be filled, but that is ok. I love you Mom and I miss you so much. Someday....we will be together again.

I pray for everyone who comes to this site, to find peace and comfort.

Good for you and how good you were to your mom. I know I think back now to all the days i went to the "home" to visit my mom, even when i really did not want to go. I am so grateful now that I did go as much as i did (thought now of course I wish i would have gone even more). As I read what you wrote, I could actually "feel" exactly what you are feeling now. Thank you for sharing.

Today is one and a half years since i lost my mom. Today i realized something: i am getting used to the fact she is not here anymore, is that wrong? Where did that come from?

Happy Birthday!

Debbie

And i love this one:

Over mountains, over trees

Over oceans, over seas

Across the deserts

I'll be there

In a whisper on the wind

On the smile of a new friend

Just think of me

And I'll be there

CHORUS: Don't be afraid, oh my love

I'll be watching you from above

And I'd give all the world tonight to be with you

'Cause I'm on your side, and I still care

I may have died, but I've gone nowhere Just think of me, and I'll be there

On the edge of a waking dream

Over rivers, over streams

Through wind and rain

I'll be there

Across the wide and open sky

Thousands of miles I'd fly

To be with you

I'll be there

CHORUS

In the breath of a wind that sighs

Oh, there's no need to cry

Just think of me,

And I'll be there

["I'll Be There" written by Steel/Holliday/Christo/Zekavica

Performed by The Escape Club]

My mom was 91 and the doctor said it was fine for her to have knee surgery. She came through surgery just fine and they sent her to rehab a couple days later. That is when and where the nightmare started. they drugged her and kept her in bed constantly. Never feeding her, we had to take shifts and spend 24/7 with her. She was totally out of it all the time. One day we went in and she was up and walking out the front door. No one would have seen this except us. She stayed in their care for about 6 months, they kept trying to get her out of there saying she was rehabilitated, but she could not even eat on her own let alone walk or dress herself or go to the bathroom. Finally, we decided to take her out and let her go to my brother's house so she could learn to walk. Well, needless to say, she never did come back to us the way she was. We ended up having to put her in a home and they could not get her to walk either. We saw to it she ate and they did take good care of her there. But not walking and getting any exercise was the reason for the fluid around her heart, i guess, which is what killed her. We should have sued that rehabilitation hospital just so they could not do it to another person.

Thanks for letting me share our story.

Empty: you hang in there ok? We are all here for eachother, and that is important.

God does not punish us. We punish ourselves. And every single person has gone through the stages of regrets. I still go through it after the loss of my mom (my life) and it has been over a year. Why did i not go see her the Friday before she died? I don't even want to get going on those regrets right now. i want to concentrate on you.

Just remember that we can not go back and change anything. We have to deal with our pasts the best we can. Had you known he was going to die, you would have visited more often. I remember when i was moved out of my mom's house. She walked me to the car after i visited her and she started crying and hugged me and said "Come home." I would give ANYTHING in the world to go back to that day. I wish i could move back home with her. OK now i am crying, just rememebering the way she begged me and i drove away. You see my point? Everyone goes through regrets, but we learn to deal with them and try hard not to do what i just did to myself.

I will pray for you and God to give you strength.

I am so sorry for your pain.