Am I A Masochist?

[Guest]

Just when I felt like I was beginning to notice some progress in myself this week came along. I didn't start out the week wanting to do it on a conscious level, but this entire week has been consumed with me re-living everything I could remember that either did happen or didn't (but I wish had). Unfortunately in this case, I still have a pretty good memory. I say unfortunately because by this week nothing good was happening. The last words my wife spoke to me or anyone else was on Dec. 20th. I was never able to see her awake or alert this entire last week. Just laying there totally sedated, and me constantly hoping she wasn't experiencing any misery. Does this make me some kind of a freak or a monster? I had glanced over at a clock before I started this. It was 2:28pm (central time zone). At this time last year she had less than 24 hours of life left. Is there something wrong with me for counting it down like this? And all day today I have been angry and restless and fidgety as the daylights. I'm not angry at anything or anyone in particular. I don't usually use profanity. But today all I feel like doing is just spitting out one expletive after another as loud as I could yell it. I haven't done it, but I sure have wanted to.

Sorry for being a whiner. Maybe it helped me a bit just to type this out.  Maybe today would be a good day for me to imitate this dog...

[AB3]

Olemisfit, I can definitely relate to what you are feeling, Im sure we all can In some way. There's nothing wrong with expressing yourself no matter how out of character you may think you are being. This is a rough time where you can't help but to focus on those last moments....counting down the exact seconds, minutes, or hours your love had left. Those times are forever with us....replaying in our minds and in a sense driving us mad. So express yourself as much as you want and know that you aren't alone.

 

[Guest]

AB3. Thanks for your kind words and thoughts. A word to you from this peanut gallery...you very likely don't see it yet yourself, but consider yourself as already showing some improvement. If you are willing and able to share your kind words and thoughts with someone else like you did above, while your grief and mourning is still as new and fresh as yours is right now, then know that you going to get better. There is light at the end of your tunnel. All any of us can do is to be willing to swing our legs off that bed each morning, step into the ring one more time, and fight the good fight another round. I'm like Rocky by now. I feel punch drunk as heck by now, but what choice do I have but to get back in the ring. Today begins year #2. Thanks very much again. God bless you!

[kayc]

olemisfit,

It's just anger, another grief feeling.  My SIL used to say "Foul, foul, filth and foul!" when she felt like that.   No there's nothing wrong with you...we're so aware of what happened when, we do keep track of the day and time...it's an acknowledgement of something that took place that forever changed your life.

[Patty65]

It has been 313 days since Ron died.  I count the days with no apologies, maybe it's weird, but I have a Crazy Pass. And now, this is when it all started last year, and suddenly my memory is photographic about it all.  My advice to you olemisfit, is to be gentle with yourself.  You are in enough pain with the memories to make yourself wrong and bad for it too. And I say that to me as I say it to you, too, for sure.  It's a hard thing to let yourself be, to let myself be.  I battle it every day. You aren't alone in those thoughts, but as my therapist says often to me -- "challenge that thought..." especially if it only makes you feel worse...

PS - Love the photo  

Take care,

Patty

[Brad]

21 minutes ago, Patty65 said:

It has been 313 days since Ron died.  I count the days with no apologies, maybe it's weird, but I have a Crazy Pass.

Then I must be weird as well. 522 days for me.