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11 weeks after my mum died my step dad was diagnosed with cancer of the larynx.

he had radiotherapy and was all clear for a while,he had further test two weeks ago and he gets the results tommorrow,to be honest it doesnt look good,even the oncologist thinks it is back.

I am going to see him for the night but i am dreading going to mums house,Ive only been twice since she died and each time i end up in a real state,It just doesnt seem right without her being there.

If the results are bad i will have to try to hold it together for him and encourage him to be positive.

I cant stand the thought i could lose him too he is a great stepdad and a brilliant grandad to the kids.i love him loads.

any ideas to cope better while im there?i dont want to make it worse for him.

from amanda

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Guest basketcase


I can only imagine how you must feel going into your Mothers home. So many memories! My Grandfather was living in an assisted living home when he passed, but everytime I drive by I get this sinking feeling in my stomach. I don't know if I have any advice to help you, but I would try to focus on why your there and that is to help your step-dad. Your Mother needs your help to watch over him now. I know that doesn't make it any easier. Be Brave!!!

And it's ok to feel sad, and I admire you for taking this on and going to help even when it's hard for you!!!

Take care,

your in my prayers.

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thank you,

I really dont want to call you basketcase as i doubt you really are but hey you gave the name.

Im not brave at all,im a coward actually but we do what we have to do when it comes to our loved ones.

I will focus on him and my kids are coming to they love thier grandad loads too.

from amanda

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Amanda.....I know how you feel about going to your Mother's house.....When my father got Alzheimers so bad that my mother could no longer care for him because she to was ill, they went to live in a assisted living center....shortly after they went there my dad had to be put in the lock down ward for the Alzheimer patients for his own safety.....they left the house that I grew up in empty.....my son's friend agreed to move in to take care of the house....my mother refused to sell it......anyway my father died in March and my mother followed him this Sept....than I was left to go through 50 yrs of their things and clean out the house that I grew up in....in the back yard was a garage that my father just lived in when he was well and I hadn't stepped foot in there in over 5 yrs....finally had to do it to clean it out to sell....it was so horrible for me....so many memories......every room in the house had ghosts and memories... every where I looked they were there....curtains my monther had sewn....shelves etc my father had made....when the people that bought it had finished fixing it up they wanted me to come by and see it before they put it up for sale again and I just couldn't do it.....

Now the house is sold and another chapter in my life is closed. Hopefully this will help me heal.....

You just need to concentrate on your Father right now.....I know that it will be hard.....

Funnyface. :angry2:

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Hi amanda-

you said: Im not brave at all,im a coward actually but we do what we have to do when it comes to our loved ones.

Which basically proves that you are NOT a coward. Cowards do not do what they have to do when it comes to loved ones, or anything else. They cut and run, abandoning their post. You're there, fighting the demons and doing what you have to do.

You're braver than you think. None of us always wants to do the things that need doing, but sometimes we're the only ones who can. And then we do it. That's bravery. Tossing aside our fears and going forward.

So, please tell us how it went.

(I have this overwhelming need to suggest that you read anyrthing on or by Winston Churchill.)


you said: "than I was left to go through 50 yrs of their things and clean out the house that I grew up in."

I wish I had that opportunity. My family rushed through doing that when I was incapable of helping. My parents house had 59 years of stuff, all disregarded and junked. I couldn't deal with that and had to be away while the vultures were circling the carrion. Of course, it would've taken me years to go through it, which was not an option.

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hi everyone.

Going in to my mums was hard,I felt totally sick but i held it together until i left then i cried for a few moments before pulling myself together.

GOOD NEWS ON DAD the biopsy was clear the oncologist was so shocked,he has to have a ct scan as he still has 2 swellings that are unexplained,either side of his voice box,but so far so good.

Dad seemed really disappointed that it was clear,i think he is missing mum so much he wants to be with her.I have told him that he has to stay here with us as we all need him and love him.

Im glad i went.

thank you for being so supportive

from amanda

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Hi amanda-

Glad to hear about your Dad. Telling him how much he is wanted and needed is a great thing to do, I think. We are all still praying...

What you did concerning your Mom's place and going there is a start. Crying is healing, gets stresses out of you.

You're doing good... :)

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