Leaning Into The Pain

[Paul S]

Just wondering what experience that others here have had with the concept of "leaning into the pain."

I first heard of it at a counseling session and found it to be a useful tool to get through grief.

Basically it means that you face those fears about the lost loved one, rather than running from them. It could be different things to different people, depending on the individual and their responses to grief.

It could be visiting the cemetary, or touring the old neighborhood, driving past the deceased' old house (what I did, it also happened to be MY old house), it could be using/seeing their old posessions that you now have.

I dunno, its something that causes pain of sorts, is connected to the loved one, and the only way you can handle it is by going thru it. Avoiding the person, place or thing doesn't help, for that's like avoiding the grieving process altogether. Sometimes you need to take a break from it for sanity's sake, but as long as you persevere when you are willing and able you may heal better.

A f2f grief counseler used this analogy: a person he knows had a back ingury, their spine was crooked. It felt better for the individual to walk bent over, because in that position the spine didn't hurt. But of course, if the person continued to walk that way, the back would be deformed. The person would forever be walking about bent over. So "leaning into the pain" in this instance would mean that the person would force him/herself to walk straighter, feeling the pain of the hurt spine, but the back would heal properly, with the spine straight. Some pain is involved, but the person has a stronger, properly healed back as a result.

So it is with "leaning into the pain" for those of us in grief. There are things painful about the grieving process, and we'd rather not face it, but in order to grieve well, and heal so we can continue, we have to "lean into the pain."

Participating in these discussion forum may be a form of it, as talking about our loss may at first be painful. But it may be a start for some, as a lot of people would deny themselves even this.

[shell]

Paul,

I feel I have used the "leaning into the pain" method and it seems to have helped me work through a lot of stuff. I have not only done it with the death of my dad, but it led me to re-examine all the losses in my life and fully grieve for them too. I don't think I did grieve in a healthy way before now. It is painful, no doubt about it, and rather exhausting, but I agree that it is necessary to fully heal. I know I haven't fully healed from any of it yet, but I am better in some ways than I was even three or four months ago.

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

Hi shell!

u sed: "I know I haven't fully healed from any of it yet, but I am better in some ways than I was even three or four months ago." I don't think we ever fully heal. I'll have to think about that. There is always a scar of sorts. I underlined the last part of your post, because YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. You're definitely better than even a month ago (I think).

See you.

[shell]

Paul,

It's almost funny that you should say what you did, because I almost said the same thing...that we never fully heal. I thought about it after I had already sent it. I think every time we lose someone we love, it leaves a hole in your heart. I always picture my heart looking like a piece of swiss cheese.

Later,

Shell

[Maylissa]

Hey, gang,

Swiss cheese....that's about right, Shell...and it's one of the very few cheeses I actually don't like, too, so it's a fitting one for this analogy for me.

Regarding leaning into the pain, yes, I've used this concept. Some people criticized me for some of the ways I came up with, but I knew better than to listen to them, as it does end up helping. I'd do things like deliberately listen to really poignant music ( when I was ready and strong enough to believe I could handle it...usually after months of hiding from any stray tunes and lyrics ), just to get me to that crying-gasping for air depth of grief, to get it OUT. I also made sure that when I finally received my Mom's china set after months of waiting, to sit down alone, to have a cup of coffee and a lunch snack with the china. Stuff like that brings up memories, both good and painful, and serves to GET IT OUT. Looking at pictures does the same thing for me, as does wearing either clothes or pieces of jewelry that are meaningful. I also used my anger at being gyped out of my Mom's things to visit both an estate sale and antique market, trying to both search for things she might have had as well as stir up memories, as always, to GET IT OUT. Sometimes just sitting and mulling things over, allowing myself to go as deeply into the pain as is possible in the moment, and for whatever time I decide I can handle is a help, too. And forcing myself to 'do' all my traditional Christmas decorations the first year after Mom and my bro died ( although I couldn't bring myself to this stage the first year after our furboy passed )brought up many other thoughts and feelings, as I have a number of my Mom's old tree decorations, plus a few newer ones she sent as gifts.

It's just a series of baby steps, but they all add up after a time. It's so hard to do, but worth it once you gain a bit of confidence about how it helps you get over some of the worst 'firsts', no matter what they may be or how many of them there are. Some things still bother me no end, though....like even glancing at Safeway's ( grocery store ) selection of helium balloons, as that's where I bought the ones I took to my Mom the last time I saw her. Maybe it'll always bother me, but at least I'm not busting into tears when passing by the flower dept. anymore...it's all progress. ( of course, right now, I'm STILL furious with my Mom, after that reading, so not too much is bothering me presently except for feeling really used and diminished by her, but it beats feeling despairing, so I'll take it for now! )

[CharsMum]

Can someone explain "Leaning Into The Pain," and what I have to do? I lost my daughter fourteen months ago, and I think I'm loosing my mind. Between life continuing forward, bills, surviving children, working, etc., there's hardly time to grieve and I know I'm stuffing my feelings - yet, I don't know how to really get started. I'm better today than I was the days, weeks and months just after her passing;yet, I know there are feelings inside me I keep ignoring and I don't understand why.

CharsMum

[shell]

Charsmum,

I hope Paul answers this for you, too, because he will probably explain it better. For me, it means that you let yourself feel everything completely, instead of stuffing it, as you mentioned. Just go with the pain, anger, sadness, etc. and give into those feelings. Cry, scream, rant, rave, whatever it takes to get "through" those feelings. It is hard and hurts, but eventually it will help you.

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I know how hard it must be to even face your grief or deal with it, and how trying to keep things going distracts you and leaves you no time for it. Maybe if you could set aside a certain amount of time each day to be by yourself and "lean into the pain", it would help. You have to grieve and cry. I think ignoring the feelings is your way of "keeping it together". I'm afraid that sometimes we have to "fall apart" before we can begin to get it together. I know that's how its working for me.

Hugs to you and good luck with the process,

Shell

[Paul S]

Hi charsmum:

I sort of explained "leaning into the pain" in the first post, but I don't mind going on again!

It basically means that you do not run from the pain of your grief. You face it. This of course is within reason.

It could be anything which triggers the pain of your grief, but also somethinmg that you should face to help you deal with it. It may be visiting the cemetary, seeing or using the things the loved one left behind, it could be facing up to it by seeking out counseling or grief suupport groups.

Reading about grief can also be "leaning...". It forces you to learn about a painful subject, but helps immensely by giving you valuable info such as that what you are feeling and going thru is normal.

Stuffing your pain won't ususlly work. We've learned on this board, and elsewhere, that you should face the feelings of grief. If you delay or avoid coping with the grief, it may hbe harmful in ways you may not realize.

Re-read the previous postings, and also got hunt around this board, you'll find lots of useful information, and helpful people.

I'm sorry about the loss of your daughter, there are many people on this board who can be of help.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I was wondering about this part of the grief journey as well. I have been dealing with grief for the past sixteen months after my dear mother died. Than I started another grief journey right after when my father died four months later.. I really do not know what I have or haven't felt in the past sixteen months... Take care Shelley

[Paul S]

Hi shelley,

What do you mean?

Paul

[STARKISS]

Hi Paul S,

What I mean is I have felt every emotion under the sun and I really do not know what will come next. I know that the grief journey really does not end so I am just wondering for myself what is the next emotion or emotions I will feel next... I have been through two deaths but I know you probably know this .. What I guess I am really saying is what are the feelings you go through during grief..... Take care Shelley

[Paul S]

Every single one.

But "leaning into the pain" isn't just about feelings, its doing something (actions) that create feelings so as to help you deal with them. Like I was saying earlier in this topic, it could be anything that reminds you of the deceased but is hard. Your natural instinct is to protect yourself from them so you avoid painful feelings. But that isn't always good. To some degree it is, as we can't be masochists.

But take something I said elsewhere (yesterday I think). I think you read it. Its about how I do not want to go down my old street and see my old house because I resent the fact that someone else is living there. "Leaning into the pain" would mean facing up to the fact that someone else lives there, they have a right to, and to help me deal with that I will go down the street at some point and look at the house. As hard as that may be. Confronting the feelings can help deal with them and put them aside. Right now I am not ready to lean into that pain, I know when I will.

Its like if you break an arm or a leg. The broken limb has to be reset, right? Well that hurts doesn't it? But for the limb to heal ,properly it has to be forced back into place, no matter how much pain that causes. If you avoid resetting the limb, it won't heal properly.

This "leaning into the pain" is a psychological version of that. We know when its best to do that.

[STARKISS]

Thank You Paul S,

Thank you so much Paul for the information in your last post... I now realize what I am going through is part of the grief journey and with the help of my family, the few friends I have and everyone who is here on the website I will get through it.. Thank you again and Take care Shelley