Driver's License Renewal Notices and Other Mnemonics

[mbbh]

Just arrived home from work and in the mail was a renewal notice for John's driver's license. These little reminders come frequently. They are not just about renewal notices for some random thing nor just about a bill I have yet to take his name off of. Such postcards and letters and phone calls take me to a deeper realization that he is no longer here. It isn't like I don't face that reality every second of every day, but tangible, mnemonic symbols that bring me closer and closer to this new reality can bring me to my emotional knees.

This is the nature of life when one's spouse dies. I am not saying this to evoke sadness (please- no sad face emojis). I say it to share a fact that many are afraid to share because they are afraid of what someone else will think. I have learned that I have no control over another person's thoughts or reactions. The simple truth is this: When someone you love dearly dies- someone who you shared a life with, a bed with, had a child with and raised that child with- when that person passes away, it takes a long time for that reality to set in permanently. Having times that awaken deep emotions is normal.    

Sometimes I actually forget that John has died. There have been times when I expect him to walk through the door.  It isn't just about denial.  The spirit is an incredible thing. The human soul has great difficulty accepting that a significant person is gone. I would dare say that it is a protection, a millisecond of a break really, from such pain. It doesn't mean I am crazy (at least not in this instance). It just means that grief is hard- really, really hard work.  

A piece of that work is to accept where one is at any given moment and to expect things such as renewal notices or bills to throw you once in a while. Growing, breathing, and trudging through grief is filled with opportunities to practice acceptance.  

Putting pressures on yourself or another grieving person to be anywhere other than one is is counterproductive.  There simply are NO "shoulds" or at least there shouldn't be "shoulds." There are only moments of healing one molecule at a time, one driver's license renewal notice at a time. Just some Thursday night ramblings.

©Mary Beth Beck-Henderson

[iPraiseHim]

I have received two notices that my wife, Rose Anne, has applied for Obamacare insurance and medicare services in 2017.  I asked both places "when was the application filed since she has been dead for 2 and half years"  They said there was no forwarding address???

There is no FORWARDING ADDRESS in Heaven.  They apologized and closed her application.  They said they didn't need her day of death... it is not important.... Well, IT IS TO ME!. 

I think there will always be reminders of grief and loss.  - Shalom

[kayc]

George,

There are people who apply for insurance using a dead person's identity, and since the government publishes their social security numbers on line (I found my father's and my uncle's) they make it easy for them to do so.  The government is making it harder for us to protect identities.  I went through the Equifax breach and called the IRS to get a pin added for my tax filings...they won't give me one, I don't "live in the right state".  ?!!!  No security questions, to added layer of protection like our banks have.  You have to wait until someone uses your number to defraud the government and you before they'll do anything about it.  It can really mess people up, yet heaven help they should be proactive when they know a big problem is taking place.

I'm sorry you went through that and I hope that's the end of it.  I know I feel guarded about George's information, even though he's not here anymore.  Somehow it feels all the more imperative to be protective of what is his, even if it's just his identity, it belonged to him!

MaryBeth, 

I get what you're saying.  I went through those feelings, not with driver's license, but other things, Paypal, calls from an Indian place asking donations (he was Native American), etc.  It's hard when other places don't realize he's gone and respond as if it's normal everyday life.  It's not.  It never will be again.