A little girl who's lost

[Khart12]

I don't really know how to start this but I'm just so lost my Dad passed away on September 1st, 2017 just at 58 years old and losing his has been most horrible thing I have ever gone through and what hurts the most exactly a week before him and I got into one of the worst fights we have ever had I said the most hurtful and heartless things a daughter could ever say to her father and I hate myself so much for that be the last things we ever will hear from me again when I got the first voicemail from my step mom saying he was on his way to the hospital I just thought oh he's fine he's just going cause the pain in his legs cause him going tonthe hospital wasn't unusual for him and not even 5mins later I got another voicemail from my sister-in law telling me that he passed away I lost it and ever since I heard those words i lost myself I'm this depressed lost person who pushes everyone who loves me away I feel like I don't deserve to be happy or loved I keep telling myself no one loves or cares about me and I'm believing it I'm so stuck in my head and I can't Escape all I want is for this pain to go away I'm starting to think if I just disappear everyone would be happier I am having Suicidal Thoughts but I know in my broken heart I would never kill myself but I am having those thoughts im just so lost and just want my dad back he's my hero he saved me from my birth mom and her husband who did things to me when I was just two years old I jist need my daddy back so bad I hate having all this PAIN I just want it to go away

[kayc]

Khart12,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my dad when I was 29, he was just 52.  That was a million years ago.  I have missed his being here for the birth of my kids and just here in general for our lives.  Your dad knew you loved him and when he was dying, I'm sure that last fight was not what was playing in his head.

Depressive feelings are common in grief, so can suicidal thoughts occur.  I felt that way when my sweet husband died, he had just turned 51 and it was a complete and utter shock.  But I realized it's not because I want to be dead, but rather because I didn't want to go through what I'd have to go through if I lived.  Being here on this site was a lifesaver.  I read articles and books and it helped me realize that my feelings were normal and I wasn't alone.  It also gave me the strength to go on.  I learned to take one day at a time.  I hope you'll consider finding a professional grief counselor to help you in this journey.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html 

I also want to share this article I wrote based off my twelve years on this journey.  I hope even one thing will be of help to you in it.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.