Pretending

[Kasey06]

Every since I was a little girl I have always just pretended everything was fine, that I was OK. I am so stuck in the mode of rather than dealing with everything head on I just ignore whats happening and shove it aside. Everyone thinks I have handled things so well, that I am so mature but in truth it's just the opposite. I wish I could be like others who allow themselves to feel the pain, to cry, to openly talk about how they are really doing and feeling. I wish I didn't always feel the need to put on an act. I know my way of handling things isn't healthy but I don't know how to get out of this mode and really start to deal with everything.

After my mom died and after the funeral and all the craziness that goes with it, I just threw myself back into life. I had my horse and the hours of chores that go along with that and work. I have mastered not allowing things to affect me, I have mastered controlling my emotions. I don't allow myself to cry in front of others, I didn't cry when I found my mom or at any of the funerals. I don't know why I do this. I think part of it might just be I am afraid of what'll happen to me if I really allow myself to feel and to deal with everything. I can't stand having others worried about me, I don't want to not be OK. But I know in order to live my life and move on I need to deal with everything. At times it feels like I have just shut down and now I can't feel, like i've locked things away for so long I can't get to them now.

I was wondering if others have handled stuff like this and how they have gotten past it. How do you change the way you deal with things? I know I have to and I know it's not going to be easy but I know I have to in order to really move on.

[KathyD]

Hi Kasey,

I sometimes do the same thing you do to get by - I put on a face and block everything negative out of my mind for as long as I can. But that blockage never lasts and I do experience the pain, the crying, etc. I use my blockade as a coping mechanism, and think that you probably are doing the same thing but on a higher level. Have you considered therapy? I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with you but maybe talking to someone might help because he/she may have more insight and be able to suggest ways in which you can open yourself up more. And if you discover all the emotions you'll have a professional to help you deal with them. I probably will wind up in therapy myself at some point because my loss is so recent and I haven't fully come to terms with it, so I do think if you find the right person she/he could point you in a positive direction. If you don't like that idea maybe check out a few books on dealing with loss? I bought one and it's helped me understand some of my feelings.

Kathy

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

Hi Kasey,

I went through, and am possibly still going through, what you describe.

I was 20 when my mom died a few years ago and my older sisters were hysterical and I found myself to be the one who had to keep everything together, arrange the funeral and keep the family together. Before my mother passed away, I don't believe I was over or under emotional, I felt that I handled my emotions well. But after she died, everything changed. I didn't cry at all, I could not fathom what had happened.

My point is that no matter how noble or strong we try to believe we are, these things are somewhere under the surface and need to be resolved. For some people it is easier. And for others, often the ones who were very close to that person, resolving that emotion is even more difficult because the loss is all the more deep. You're feelings are there somewhere, but the manifestations of it are sometimes odd and even unrecognizable. I started having trouble with school but hadn't shed a tear for months.

I was always so skeptical about any sort of counselling, but a few months ago I decided to give it a try. Talking to someone who is not involved in the situation allows us to say the things we can't say to our family or friends and it is healing. I went through a rough patch, but it has been healing because I finally feel as if I have mourned for the loss.

It just takes time for our minds and hearts to get over the shock of not seeing someone we love everyday. I think we all think that no one else can understand our experiences and believe that "acceptace" will never be attained, but in the end all of our stories have something in common. The human spirit is resiliant, and no matter how much you think that you can't move on, you're mind will catch up with you and you will be able to mourn for your loss. And acceptance can only come after that. I hope that my experience has offered you some help.