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So Much Guilt

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My granma passed away when I was in 9th grade, I am a freshman in college now. When she died I wasnt even there I decided to go on a chorus trip to Cinncincit instead she died while I was gone, it haunts me everyday and I feel so selfish, I should have been there, has anoyone else experienced anything like this? I feel like I failed her.

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Please forgive me if I screw up the posting process. This forum seems a bit different than the ones I'm used to. I just wanted to say that I truly believe that people who know they are leaving this world soon will often wait until certain people either arrive or are away. My mother died of lung cancer two days ago. The night before she spoke one of her few lucid and audible sentences that day. She asked, "Where's Amandah?" Amandah is my just-turned-four year old daughter. I asked my mother if she wanted to see her but she seemed agitated and didn't reply. I brought my daughter in to see her Grandma but my mother didn't respond the way she usually did. The next day my husband took my daughter to the park to get her out of the house. My mother lived about an hour and a half after that. I know she didn't want to traumatize her beloved granddaughter, so she waited until she wasn't around. Many years before that my husband's Grandmother waited until we left for the weekend to pass in her own house just like she always said she wanted to. Other people will wait for a certain loved one to arrive before letting go. Some wait for their loved ones to tell them it's okay to go. If you weren't there it's because you were not supposed to be there. Please don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure your Grandmother would hate that you are feeling pain every day over this.

Healing hugs,


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What Ell is saying, I think, is so true. There is a book called Final Gifts (yes! I'm recommending it again!) that is about people dying and what the hospice nurses (it is written by two veteran hospice nurses) have observed over many, many years of experience with the dying. And what Ell said is mentioned many times in the book. People will actually choose WHEN to die, and sometimes they wait for someone to be there or NOT to be there. So your grandma probably wanted to spare you some grief, in a way, of actually being there when she died. So, she waited until you left. You were honoring her wishes without even realizing it. So feel better about it, it was meant to be.



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  • 3 weeks later...

So very sorry to hear about your grandmother... I have recently lost my Mom and would like to pass some advice on to you that may or hopefully will help... a little something I have learnt in counselling....

At the time of your Grandmothers death, you made a decision to go on your trip... keep in mind, that had you known that she would pass away, your decision would have been to not go....

You made the choice and did the best you could at the time... if you could go back in time you and I both know you wouldn't have left....

Let go of the guilt... it is not yours to carry you did the best you could and your grandmother knows that....

Best of wishes to you.... be patient and let go of the guilt and focus on the wonderful times you did have with her....


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