Paul S Posted May 1, 2006 Report Share Posted May 1, 2006 I've already gotten advice on this topic, from me, of all people, but I thought I'd post it anyway, and see what others think.Background: My Mom died last November. A rift has developed between me and my sister who's served as executor of Mom's estate. ("Mom Died and Family Fracturing") The rift was not over money or who gets what, just over "Different Ways of Grieving". (The stuff in quotes are topic titles, in case anyone is THAT interested in the deeper background.) Anyway, I've become somewhat aloof from the family. I am not getting information from anyone re: estate, I have to find things out by driving past the old house or asking the attorney. I've gotten a little comfortable with the status of the relationship, gotten used to checking email the family uses to ignore me and seeing nothing in there except stupid emailed jokes or cutesy pictures featuring animals doing relentlessly cutesy things. Although I do hold out hope or desire for some form of relationship with some, but NOT ALL, of the family, right now, and probably through the rest of this year and on into next Spring, I would like to not be bothered by family in a close proximity way. (Close proximity may lead to detonation.)(Paul, is there a specific POINT you wanna make? OK, OK, go away, stupid conscience.)OK, the topic subject: Got an email from a brother from Southern California. He's coming for a visit in a month. He will not be staying with me, but presumably with our darling sister, and a high school buddy of his. He is one of the family members that I would like to maintain a relationship with of some sort. The darling sister is not.I have always felt judged or assessed in some way when this brother shows up. The advice that I've gotten from me is that when one is in grief, a needed thing to sometimes do is to keep one's distance from some people. In griefwork, a new person is being forged through all the pain and suffering. Trying to incorporate the loved ones' loss into your life may mean that no interference from people that you may have an emotional sensitivity to should be tolerated for a while. My grief counselor likened it to protecting and nurturing a little plant until its strong enough to grow on it own. (Another cutesy image. Ick.)I likened it to pouring a cement floor, you need to let it harden for a while before you can walk on it. New ideas, ways of living, assimiliating the loss and learning how to live again need to be solidified before you can brush up against people with peculiar different ways of grieving. Or worse, feel that you should be over it by now. Or at least, not going to grief counseling sessions, grief support groups and talking to nice people on the Internet about Mom and her death. (No one in the family has suggested yet that I should be over it, or any of the other things, but they're likely to if they bothered to talk to me. I think.)If I tell him, "Thanks, but no thanks, maybe we'll get together next year or later." I know I'll be cast as the villian. Proof that I'm more responsible for the rift than anyone else, because I'm pushing the family away. Of course, in my AA meetings they'll probably wonder why I'm bothered by something that won't happen for a month yet (you know: "One Day at a Time", or "Don't take on more troubles than you've already got, today is sufficiently tough on its own." But still, "Sensors have detected a large group of approaching enemy vessels, shall we go to Red Alert, Captain?""Captain? Captain? ... Hello? Yoo-hoo, Captain?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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