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Josh 10-23-87 -------- 03-20-06

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I lost my son on March 20th 2006. He had bone cancer for 21/2 years but he died from an accidental overdose of pain meds. He was 18 years old and my youngest son of 3. My other sons are married and have children. Josh was my life. He died in the ER looking me in the eyes while CPR was being performed on him. I can't get that vision out of my head. I tried to take my own life and failed, a nervous breakdown is what the doctors called it. I promised my other sons I wouldn't do that again but I have no desire for life any more. I can't imagine ever being happy again. Josh's Dad and I have been seperated for quite some time, it appears to me that he too has given up on anything other than merely existing. Josh was a wonderful person, he never had a spanking or punishment of any kind, he never needed one, a stern voice was all it took for him and would break his heart. He would do anything for anyone, even if he didn't actually like the person. He believed strongly in God and never once was angry with God for what was happening to him. I, on the other hand, still ask WHY? WHY? WHY? I begged God to take me instead, to let my son have life. I just sit and wait now, for my time to come. I long to hold him in my arms again. I've been through inpatient counsiling, lots of meds, prayer, nothing helps, so I just wait.



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Guest PattiZ54

Joshsmom - I am SO sorry for the loss of your son!!! I have not(and hope I don't) experienced the loss of a child, but I did lose my husband of 20 years. I am very close to my motherinlaw, who has now lost both her husband and her youngest child & only son and I know how SHE feels. Her son (my husband) was 46 and passed from cancer on 11/16/2004. I remember the look in his eyes when his transition to the ventilator did not go well - as you said, a look you can't get out of your mind. Try not to dwell on it.

I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you!!! Time should ease things some, but you will never get over it. Please try to hang in there for your other 2 sons and families and KNOW that Josh would want you to continue on. I'm sure you just want to be with Josh again and if you commit suicide, they say you don't go to heaven........

Please take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you.


(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004, I love & miss you, Dear!)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dear Josh's mom, My heart goes out to you. I lost my Josh on March 5th, 2006 (he was my recent ex-boyfriend). He was 27 years old and was killed by a 17 year old (also ironically named Josh) who was driving too fast for the weather conditions. He was an only child; he, too, was the center of his parents' lives, especially his mom. Eventhough they lived far apart, they used to talk every couple of days, often for long times. Everyone has said she was his best friend. I talk to my Josh's mom atleast once a week, and she says she feels crazy all the time. She forgets where she puts things, drives to work and back home because she can't find her glasses, gets out all the wrong words. Although I can't imagine your pain, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. There are other Josh's moms out there grieving with you right now. -Kelly

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Josh's Mom,

My heart feels your pain and sorrow. You are so fresh in your grief and I know it is unbearable. I too have lost my child. My sweet 20 yr. old angel Ashley. She was in her 4th year of college, just two day's into classes. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. She called me up Aug 25, 2005 at 11:30 am and said, "Mom my head is killing me (she didn't know how litteral those words would be, and neither did I). She told me she had to leave class early because it hurt so bad she was going to start crying. I don't know if she ever did have a chance to cry. I told her to go see a Doc but she said she was just going to take some motrin and lay down. I told her to call me when she woke up so I would know how she was doing. I received a blessing and was able to tell her I loved her, and she said the same to me. It would be our last conversation.

At 12:00 noon we received the dreaded call from her roommates. They were in the same class together and as soon as class was over they went to the dorm to check on Ashley. They found her unconscious, eyes rolled back in her head, and she had vomitted. We were a two hour drive from the hospital, and for whatever reason, I said to my husband, "I hope she is not in a coma." To this day I have no idea how I could know that, but she was, and never came out of it. When we arrived at the hospital they had already drilled a hole in her scalp to try and realse the pressure on her brain, she had a brain aneurysm. She was on life support because she wasn't breathing on her own.

The first Neuor surgeon we saw said she would not get any better and is brain dead. We couldn't accept that. The second one said he would like to give her two days to see if she improves. The next day he came in, he said it didn't look good. I screamed and told him, "You said two days, it has only been one, we haven't given up on her and don't you." The third day, the 27th, we performed a healing, our Pastor, two other pastor's, and myself. A tear fell down the middle of her face (the tear ducts are the ONLY way a person in a coma can communicate). It was the only physical sign we had gotten from her the entire hospital stay. The room had a very strong breeze go through it, and then Ashley started to breathe on her own. Yes, we were very excited, hope had returned only to be destroyed on Aug 30th. As long as she could breathe at least 10 breaths per minute they would keep her on life support. They had the authority to take her off life support, we did not because our daughter was an organ donor. It was her decision and if it had been up to us I'm not so sure we could have done it. Her breaths were good up until the 30th. It was over and they declared her legally brain dead. We left the hospital Sep 2nd without our daughter. We stayed until the organ process was complete. I hope I never, never, have to do that again.

Josh's Mom it has been almost 9 months and the pain is as fresh as the minute we walked in the hospital. They say it gets easier, I say it gets harder. I cannot get the image of her lying in that hospital bed, hooked up to a million things, out of my HEAD. I need know if she was in extreme pain. I get out of bed everyday because I have too, and I only have one HOPE of ever seeing my daughter again. The reunion in Heaven with our Heavenly Father. Somedays I say hey, I'm going to make it without crying and missing her and the next thing I know, I'm picking myself up off the floor. Two things are sustaining me right now. One the tear she shed in the hospital, was it hers, was it Jesus' or was it both. Another one was a big fat "A" in the sky that i took a picture of. If you would like to see it and read about it, you could go to my daughter's website. www.memory-of.com and type in her name, Ashley Trapp. Again, my heart goes out to you, and I will pray and ask God to comfort you and to give you peace. If you would like to talk my e-mail is suefishwild@yahoo.com

Peace and Comfort to you, and God Bless

Ashley's Mom (Sue)

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  • 1 month later...

Hi, I'm Yonie's mom and I can tell you that your words are mine. I was getting ready to start a new topic but read yours first. Being repetative seems unnecessary but it is what it is.

Yonie was born 12/13/86 and passed on 5/12/06. I've told and retold the horror story so many times that typing it just seems like too much to ask for.

I'll try to do better next time. Like you, I am only "happy" to see the sunrise in the morning because I know that I am one day closer to being released from this life sentence. One day closer to drinking in the awesome "beauty" that is my oldest son...Yonie!

Life sucks! I don't care why bad things happen to good people...it's just not right! I'm sure that you, like I, are not as "good" as some...but better than most. All of the reasons, stories, and excuses that I may have to offer you will mean nothing...everything means nothing after you bury your angel; it doesn't really matter how many angels you might still have left.

I'm sooooo sorry for us!


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