Whatever Comes

[Charlie1]

I lost my grandmother and father at this time last year. As a matter of course, we buried that whole side of the family in a matter of a year. I served as the primary care provider for my father when he passed as my mother was in shock. Everyone seems to be fine, but after a year I still am blue. I have a wonderful wife and 2 kids and took a new job 3 months after my Dad's passing and it has been brutal. Not out of woods yet. I want me life (balance) back and can't seem to find it. Anyone there?

[shell]

Charlie,

Our situations are similar. My dad passed away (and my uncle, moms cousin, one of our furbabies, and a dear friend all in about 2 and a half months) a little over a year ago and my mom went into shock too. She is still confused and not herself and I have been taking care of her. I was also the primary caregiver with my dad, as my mom is frail and could not help much. I had to take over everything (don't get me wrong, not that I minded. I love my mother, and loved my father, more than anyone in the world) and still do everything and the word you used is accurate...brutal. It has been a long, hard road since my dad died and I know it's going to still be in the future.

You also said you wanted your "balance" back, another accurate word. I've never heard it expressed that way, but it really fits and is a good way of putting it. I wish I had some advice about how to get your balance back, but I feel the same way. All I can say is what is constantly repeated on this site and other grief sites, that it can take a long time to get there. Not very encouraging, I know, BUT the one thing that helps is that almost everyone agrees that it DOES get a little better with every passing day. It gets to where you can learn to cope with it better. The only advice I can offer is to keep posting here, read the other posts here, read books on grieving and just hang in there. I'm so glad to hear you have a wonderful wife and kids, that will keep you going too.

Hope things get more "balanced" soon,

Shell

[Charlie1]

Thanks, Shell.

I feel so out of sorts and you're right, reading the other posts I relaize that my situation is similar to many. I'm struggling. It feels like I trip over my grief and fall into a hole. Every small issue seems overwhelmingly large and I have to think my way out. I have always felt things deeply, but this is REALLY tough. I guess you just deal with it one day at a time?

[Paul S]

Hi charlie.

Somewhere in all this I learned that you cannot always think your way out of it. You have to feel your way, to let your emotions guide you to where you need to be.

Grief is emotional, not rational. Continue to read all these posts in this section, along with "Behaviors in Bereavement" and "General Grief and Loss Topics". As shell suggested (she does a great job helping people here, she's helped me A LOT), read books, and eventually things will begin to sort themselves out.

And you can't beat "One Day at a Time."

[Charlie1]

Thanks Paul,

I read some of your other posts and you're right, men sort of keep it inside. I have tried to express myself and frankly, am in the "for dorks only" catagory. Not very good at this. Are you saying that by means of expressing your grief this is the way to deal with it?

How about the sence of "under confidence" that I am getting real profecient in (and I'm (was) a very possitve person)? What do you do to get it back?

[Vero]

Hi Charlie,

I have that same feeling you're talking about "under confidence". I used to be secure with myself, pretty self confident and positive woman. But since my mother passed away ... that's history. I have no self confidence left in me. I feel afraid all the time. Tell me more about how you feel? I have not talked about this issue to anyone, its pretty embarrassing.

[Paul S]

Hi charlie and vero.

I tried to post, like, 5 times yesterday in response, but kept deleting the post or otherwise messing up. Here goes:

charlie said: "by means of expressing your grief this is the way to deal with it?"

Yeah. Grief is emotional. It needs to be expressed. How you do it is up to you. Cry if you need to. Go off somewhere alone if need be. Nothing wrong with crying. Computers don't cry, we're not computers. We're humans and if we don't properly deal with the emotions they will deal with us later, in a manner we may not choose. (The time bomb effect).

One thing you can do is to "lean into the pain". This basically means facing that which brings you the most fear/anxiety, etc, re: the death of your loved ones. It may mean visiting the cemetary, driving past the loved ones' house, looking at photo albums, or whatever. As long as it gets you to confront your fears on grief. (I think I posted a topic with that name down in "General Grief and Loss" topics.) You will know when you're ready to deal with it. A willingness comes first, then the readiness. Then the carrying it out.

One thing I've learned is that since grief is emotional, you cannot think your way out of it or thru it. It has to lead you. You can't fight the emotional rollercoaster, you have to let it play out.

vero, too: the "under confidence" that you both speak of I think is just normal. Its not permanment. The landscape of your life is changed and things just don't seem all that certain anymore when you are forced to face 'mortality'. We're all going to die someday, when, only God knows, and this naturally tends to sap away at our self-perception of our ability to do things. I think it'll fade in time, and the self-confidence you both once had will return. You just have to keep incorporating the losses into your life somehow. I felt that way, but feel much better now. When my Mom died, I was out of work (she was my job). I got another right away, a part-time custodial job at my Church. That was perfect as I didn't think I could handle any full-time professional job. But now I can, and will be taking a Civil Service test in a few weeks. If that doesn't pan out, I'll jump start a full time job search.

You do what you can, when you can.

Paul

[Charlie1]

Hi Charlie,

I have that same feeling you're talking about "under confidence". I used to be secure with myself, pretty self confident and positive woman. But since my mother passed away ... that's history. I have no self confidence left in me. I feel afraid all the time. Tell me more about how you feel? I have not talked about this issue to anyone, its pretty embarrassing.

Vero,

Well it goes like this. Things I have done so many times with ease are a struggle. I am anxious a lot and not possitive at all. I feel like I'm in a hole and always have to struggle to get out...it wasn't this way before. Things seem a lot harder than they were. Nothing comes easy. I am becoming aware that my "inner talk" is all doom and gloom and am trying to be aware that it seems to start there.

I used to be the one who would pull people out of thier shell, make them comfortable and make them smile. Now, I don't even try. I feel empty and not able to add anything to a conversation that isn't, well, boring.

Paul,

I took a new job last fall and its like starting over. I have worked very hard and things don't seem to be happening the way they should. I mean I am pressing all the right buttons and nothing is happening.

Wasn't the smartest thing I ever did (or will do) but I needed a change from a rather difficult boss and measured twice. Now that I am in the middle of stuff, do have any recommendations to keep my sanity?

[Paul S]

No, at this time I don't have any recommendations on keeping ones' sanity except: prayer, taking things one day at a time (i.e stop pushing buttons if they don't work), going for walks (long ones usually clear my head) and continuing to seek out answers on this board (or others) from people who may be more specifically going thru what you're dealing with.

That's the best I can do for now. My situation was/is somewhat different, I guess .

Take care...

Paul