Im A Newbie

[kell84]

im really glad to have found this sight. my mother died over thanksgiving weekend from complications of alzheimers diesease. from diagnosis to her death was 3 years. 5 mos in assisted living and the last 2 1/2 years in a nursing home. initially i felt a tremendous amount of relief. she had deteriorated so much in the last few months of her life that her quality of life was nill. in the last three years it felt like i lost bits and pieces of her along the way. i still vividly feel the hurt & devistation i felt the day i walked into her room and she said "im sorry i dont know who you are". the other piece of my puzzle is that in the last year of her life i started to really address my past issues w/ her. both her and my father (who died 8 years ago from a heart attack) were alcoholics. while i am on my own road to recovery in terms of that it is still very much a struggle to work on grieving her death. when i feel sad im almost perplexed by my emotions. because of her alcoholism it really prevented her from being a present, connected parent to me. i essentially had no relationship w/ her. but on the flip side when i am numb, i feel guilty like i "should" feel more than i do. in addition to all of this, i have also been dealing w/ and accepting the fact that my 3 yo son has asthma. since feb hes had one illness after another (which is his major trigger) so ive had many a scary days/nights worrying about him. yesterday i was just an absolute mess. my husband suggested that i go to the cemetary and it really helped to bring up some feelings. it also helped me find this site. anyway, thats my story. thanks for reading.

[shell]

Kell,

Welcome to the site, I'm glad you found it. I'm sorry for your loss and can understand your mixed emotions. Everyone grieves in different ways and I think you just have to go with the flow of your emotions. Don't feel guilty. There are things that sometimes you can't accept about loved ones, or can't forgive, even though deep down you still love them. I think you will grieve someday in the manner you feel is appropriate, so to speak. Just let your emotions go where they want to, they sort of lead you.

Go easy on yourself,

Shell

[Maylissa]

Kell,

This site is the best one overall that I'd found in months of trying a few others, so I'm glad you're here. I can relate quite a bit to your story, as mine was similar ~ Mother diagnosed as alcoholic years ago, father also a drinker but not diagnosed as one, but also very abusive. I lost my Mum in bits and pieces, too, but over a longer period, more like 20 years, but it's very painful, to be sure, no matter how long or short a period it encompasses. She was also in rehab/hospital for 6 months before she passed. My father's still 'alive' in a home with severe dementia, but he is pretty much dead to me anyway. There's never been any love lost between the 2 of us.

So I can relate to the countless, conflicting emotions that plague people from backgrounds such as ours and this definitely makes any grieving process a lot more complicated and drawn-out. It also leads, quite commonly, to that 'shouldy' attitude in many areas of life, and death. If you do nothing else, I would suggest trying your hardest to rid yourself of that one. There are no 'shoulds' in grief anyway, even less complicated grief. What helps me the most, overall, is conscious reminders to myself that it's acceptable to feel however the heck I'm feeling, at any given time and for as long as it's going to last, whether that's an hour, a week or a year or more. Period. If others can't accept that, it's THEIR expectation, not mine. Mourning takes work and time to do that work, and that's a fact.

Also, while my Mum was ill, starting at the almost exact time, our beloved furbaby started becoming more ill, too, so I've had to deal with that all along, through my Mum's illness and death, then my oldest brother's sudden death 2 months after Mum. I've also had major family-of-origin problems to deal with as well, which continue even today, over 2 years later. I'm now in anticipatory grief for our furbaby, when I don't feel ready enough yet for this other, even more intense blow. She also became ill ( first diagnosed with kidney problems ) right after her brother died, 6 years ago, so it's a repeating pattern for me. I often suspect that MY emotional instability at such times affects her on a physical level as well....talk about guilt!!...so have to try and balance any natural grieving process with trying my hardest to progress through it, for HER sake. It hasn't been easy.

Just wanted to let you know that many of us have more than one terrible thing on our plates, all at once. That's a really good reason to be here, seeking as much support as we each need and not to feel 'weak' because of it. I hope this helps you see you're certainly not alone, and if you feel the need to discuss issues surrounding alcoholic families, I'd be more than willing to share anything I've learned.

Edited May 25, 2006 by Maylissa

[kell84]

thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and understanding