I'm New. Hello.

[amy 2]

Hi. My name is Amy. I'm a little over three years "in." June 1, 2003, my brother Casey died. He had a ventricular arrythmia (I know I've spelled it wrong, looks like after three years I could remember) - ventricular arrythmia?? is that thing that all the basketball players are dying from - his death was very, very unexpected. I need feedback from anyone (1 day in, 10 years in, etc.). I have two younger brothers. Casey is in heaven and Chris is in hell on earth. Chris is 22 and in college. Our family was extrememly, extremely close and we still are but it feels "weird," strained, I don't know... Anyway, that's beside the point. Chris and Casey were 2 1/2 years apart. I'm 7 1/2 years older than Chris and 9 years older than Casey. We've had all kind of things that went on before Casey died. Both Chris and Dad were in situations where it was literally a "miracle" that they lived. Then, wham...Casey died. He was the best one of us all. He was born old - you know - wise beyond his years, and it was a good thing considering that he had to deal with us. This is my problem. Chris is falling apart and I seem to make it worse. I've read all the literature, I remind him of Casey, he feels guilty that he can't help me, etc., etc. But he is acting out in ways that's scaring me. I am terrified that he will do something stupid that he can't take back before he ever begins to make it out of the "fog." He isn't suicidal, but he is extremely wreckless. He has some competition thing going on with me, which has been healthy in the past, "I bet I can make better grades than you did." Now it is separating us because he needs me to be a big sister and at the same time he needs to fill the role he had with Casey, big brother. To add insult to injury, Chris found him. Casey was face down and purple. Chris saw him again at the funeral, but his knees went out from under him and I don't think he remembers that, which wouldn't be much better. I don't' think to this day he has talked to anyone about what Casey looked like when he found him. I was not home when it happened. I got that in the middle of the night phone call. I was not here when he died and I have been so out of it myself, I have not been "here" for Chris even during that in between time. His best friend, whom he grew up with, is in rehab. His other (not nearly as close) friend gets on his nerves because he is extremely religious. (We are too, but we're a little perturbed with God right now - unfounded yes, but God is probably the only One who can take this anger). Can I help him (any little brothers out there?)? Should I try? How do I do it? I said at one point that when I lost Casey, I lost Chris, too. I am tired of thinking that way. Chris is still here and Casey is ok and I may be the only one that can help Chris. Please, any feedback will help...I'm an emotional wreck here and with all my of education, I don't know one (even half of one) thing...

I'm sorry this is so long - I've never really talked about this myself. Thank you for listening and my heart goes out to each and every one of you as well.

[cyndy]

Amy,

I sm so sorry for the loss of your brother. And the loss of the other brother. The one you are worried about is Chris, the one who lived.

Forgive me, but I see a lot of ME in your posting. Instead of mourning what you have lost, you are worried about saving the other brother. I'm sorry, dear, but you can't. All you can do is love, and mourne, and let him do the same. Right now it sounds like you are trying to save "the baby" in order to hide your own feelings. Let me tell you as one who knows, you can't mourne someone with another unless you are willing to let go and cry together, and be angry together, and YOU have to let your personal feelings show. The hardest part about mourning is letting others know that WE hurt, that WE are not always strong and perfect.

Maybe that's why Chris won't let you save him. You have to be real with him. Then maybe he'll trust what you SAY is for the best, if he knows that you don't KNOW what is for the best!

[amy 2]

He keeps saying that he wants me to be strong like I used to be. He asked me what we needed to do. I told him we had two options 1) make a new bond and 2) find a way to keep the old even though it hurts like hell. I told him that I wanted us to keep the old because I want us to remember our brother because he is not dead (he's not here, but he's not in the ground). Is this me not mourning (denial)? That seemed to make him feel better. He said that he didn't believe in God anymore and that he could control how he felt (anger, sadness, etc.) so why couldn't I? He wants me to be like I was before and I'm so sorry that I can't give him what he wants. He said he can feel me slipping away. I told him that we are afraid of what we feel because it hurts. We are afraid to remember Casey because it hurts so much that it makes us feel out of control, but we are not in control of how we feel, we just feel what we feel. I told him that the reason that he felt me slipping away was that we were both trying so hard to "forget" Casey that it was tearing us apart. This upset him so much that he climbed over the balcony to show me that he "controlled" whether or not he jumped. We were on the 11th floor of a condominium. He could have fell!! This upset me so bad that, when he climbed back over, I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I know that he is having reactions that are normal (he's 22, was 19 when Casey died, and he found Casey), but I'm scared that by getting angry with him and crying with him "I" (not anyone else but me) push him over the edge (by that I mean he does things that are reckless/dangerous - like what he did). I haven't talked to him since that happened. I'm so scared that he will break if I talk about this. I thought that he was angry at me because I can't save him - is this not right? I don't know if I need to back off completely - I don't want him to feel like I'm abandoning him. I think that he's pushing me away on purpose, maybe...I'm so sorry, I know you don't have the answers. I'm just so confused (and sooo not objective b/c you are right, I am having a terrible time dealing with the grief). My brothers are, and have always been, my life. I've always had the answers for them. Now that it's really important, I don't even know where to start. Can you tell from what I'm writing how I'm looking at this wrong? Am I just not getting what you said before? This is so much to lay on someone, I'm so sorry and I'm sorry for your loss b/c I know that you've had one or you wouldn't have responded as you did. Thank you too, so much, for your response.

Amy

[Maylissa]

Amy,

Sorry it took me so long to respond to your posts, but I've just been preoccupied with other things of late. So if you're still checking, I have a few things that I hope might help you.

While my situation with losing my own brother is completely different, I can still understand why you'd be so upset with things the way they are with your remaining brother. I'm no psychologist, so these are just opinions or guesses.

While you've taken a reasoned and compassionate approach with Chris, it just sounds to me like he's still not in reasoning mode himself and so can't 'hear' you too well. His reactions sound like he's holding in a LOT of anger, against any God, against the whole idea that Casey died, and maybe even against you, simply because you believe in a God and feel Casey isn't really dead. ( even though he seemed to feel better when you mentioned that ) Plus, now I'll guess that he feels you can't relate as well to HIS point of view and therefore his feelings. So he's doubly alone in his mind. And if he is angry because you can't 'save' him from himself, he does need to learn that no one of this earth is that powerful. Or, if you meant that you were 'supposed' to save Casey from death, well...same thing. If that's a real issue with Chris, then he's struggling with acceptance of life on earth, same as many of us do.

Also, while he believes he's in control of his feelings, and certainly some people ARE able to do this more effectively than others, the fact that he's 'acting out' in such ways says to me that he isn't in control at all....he's just stuffing them so he doesn't have to deal with them yet, but he might not even realize this within himself.

It really sounds like he would benefit from his own counseling, but I also know how hard it is to get others to go for that if they don't want to. Perhaps you could find a counselor, maybe another male, who specializes in sibling grief, and if you're comfortable yourself with him, you could suggest the idea to him ( and have a name and # at the ready )....give him an option to leaning only on you and thereby relieve some of the pressures on both of you?

I know well how impossible it is to have to 'walk on eggshells' around someone who's rather volatile, shall we say, and how damaging to a relationship that can be. Having said that, I must add that it would NEVER be YOUR 'fault' if he did something reckless and harmed himself. This is too codependant an attitude for you to take, for your own sanity. We can push buttons, on purpose or by accident, in others, but ultimately, it's ALWAYS up to any individual as to how they react, in whatever degree. So never blame yourself for that, especially when your intent is to help. Sure, anyone can do things differently, and may not do everything perfectly for the person they're trying to help, but still, whatever we do, it's then out of our hands and into the hands of the other person as to what they do with it. This is a hard concept to really accept, I know, when you feel responsible for someone you love so much.....but it IS a healthier one to adopt as best you can.

The other thing you can do is find books on grief to either give or simply suggest to your brother to read...or if you have them, leave them laying around and see if he notices and seems interested. The more you know about how different people react to grief, especially when there's a gender and age difference, the better. There are dozens listed in Marty T.'s site here, plus articles, which may be easier to pass along ( cuz they're shorter ) if you can get them printed out for Chris.

I hope even a teensie bit of this might be useful to you. It's really hard to decipher these things when you don't know the people yourself, or aren't there to see what's happening, but we all try our hardest to help out in another's time of need. I wish you the best in trying to mend your relationship with Chris, and if you need to keep coming back, that's a good thing, too.

Edited June 12, 2006 by Maylissa

[amy 2]

Maylissa,

You spoke directly to my heart and, honestly, that is probably the first time in the past three years that anyone has. This is the first time that I have posted on any site and did not realize how much help peers can be. I wish there weren't any, though. I wish that no one here felt this kind of pain. I just can't tell you how much I appreciate your empathy. Please know that you have answered questions that have had no answer for these past three years. You are in my thoughts - I am so very sorry for your loss.

Amy