Loss

[Barlic]

Hello,

I'd appreciate your words of help.

I met a beautiful girl a short time ago now. 

We had an amazing romance.. but i sensed she was holding back. Eventually i learnt that she was recently out of a relationship of 4 years duration. She has broken the relationship up so she could move states.

Anyways, we had an incredible chemistry and connection, i never thought it was possible to feel this way about someone.

But then she revealed she was going travelling 8 months from now, for a long time, maybe 6 months, maybe 2 years.

I held off discussing with her specifics, it was too early, but at around 3 months i brought it up. A lot of this because she started treating me poorly, ignoring me a little. She suggested that perhaps i could come with her but we'd see how it went, she was open to distance. Around a week later i noticed she was beginning to be more distant. She could tell that something was bothering me. And so we discussed again. 

I said that as id have to do exams and there was no guarantee of a job id need compromise from her (to wait for me, or do long distance if it didn't work).This time, she said she couldn't wait for me (6 months later until i could come over), she also said she couldn't do long distance. There was this horrible sadness that afternoon, but we said we needed to reflect on it. A month later she texted me, saying that she was not ready to be with anyone, needed to be alone, that it was very early to be having the chat and i was into it more than her. She admitted she was only looking for something casual initially but then it developed further.

I'm beyond devastated because i was in love with her. I'm also having to live 300m away from her.

What tortures me particularly is she said i brought it up too early. Maybe if i hadve waited she may have changed her mind.

Moving with her would've been bad for my career admittedly and tough to be away from my family. 

What also hurts me, is she spoke a lot of our future together, she introduced me to friends, took me to functions, but then turned around and told me she was not ready to be in a relationship.

It burns so much and id appreciate your support,

Regards,

James

[kayc]

Wow, this reminds me of another thread I read, very similar.  My advice to that person and also to you is, not to give up your career plans that you've worked so hard for.  If it's meant to be, it will be.  It sounds like you had a good connection and I know that's hard to find but perhaps once she's done traveling she'll consider meeting up with you...six months, even two years, may seem like a long time but it isn't in the grand scheme of things.  It could be this is just somethingshe feels the need to do so I wouldn't try to hold her back from it.  

I'm sorry the thought of losing her just when you'd found her, hurts so much.  You'll get through this.  It also could be that the absence will clarify to her how she feels about you.  You can't know unless she goes through with it.

Do not beat yourself up about "bringing it up too early."  You felt what you felt, you shouldn't be faulted for that.  It's not like you're pressuring her into anything.  You can't know her mind unless you talk with her about things, so she can't fault you for discussing what's on your mind.  It could be the two of you are looking for different things or the timing isn't the same for both of you.  Give it time, see what happens.  Meanwhile, do not put your life on hold, continue your life even as she is hers.

Wishing you the best.

[Barlic]

Thankyou so much for your assistance, very wise words indeed.

I suppose you are right. Maybe it will maybe it won't. 

I am seconded with my job and am right up the road from her.. and i miss the physical connection. Each moment i yearn to reach out to her. But i know it won't help

[kayc]

Sometimes no contact can help the person realize things...like if they miss you...enough to make changes in their life.  I caution you not to place your hope in that though, it's important to accept things as they are right now.  I know it's hard to do, but try to focus on you and your life, your family/friends, activities...try to keep busy.  Schedule something enjoyable to look forward to.

[Barlic]

Fantastic advice. I learnt some sad news today, she is on a dating app. I have been hurt by this a bit. I don't understand how people can just shake off the feelings and move on.

She was indeed looking for something casual when she met me but this did develop a bit further, from my perspective and in her admission. 

The fact she's on a dating app so soon suggests maybe it meant nothing to her, and she was just looking for something casual/some fun, which she still is, prior to travelling.

It makes me feel worthless and sad, to think just a week after she's out there again. I thought we shared something special

[kayc]

Barlic...and you did share something special, but it meant something different to her than to you...to her it was "in the moment" to you it had the possibility of a lifetime.

I hope you can eventually keep the warm memories and let go of the pain, it may take a while to work through before you reach that point.  For me I cried for months and kept feverishly busy.  Keep trying to keep special plans in the future to look forward to.  I visited my sister, made plans with friends...whatever we do to help our mental state, it all helps.  I haven't dated since, it's been almost ten years...I just gave up, too many bad experiences.  I figure God is perfectly capable of introducing me to someone if He sees fit...guess He hasn't.  Too many failed relationships and the one great one I had...he died.  Maybe I was meant to be alone, although that was never my preference.  Sorry, just thinking aloud here.

I hope you can open your heart again, this time for the one who wants a life with you.  I'm 67, just too tired to try anymore.  But the future can look different for you and I hope you find what you want and richly deserve.  I know that's hard to think about when your heart is hurting.  With time Jim and I were able to be "friends" and I see now that was how it should have been, but it's hard to see that when your heart is freshly breaking.

[Barlic]

Yeah you're right kayc, and im sorry about your loss.

It is tough and perhaps we are conditioned to believe that love is all that matters in life..

I'm sorry that you have given up, maybe it will strike u even still, when u least expect it to. I admire your outlook and your wisdom. 

I indeed have kept busy like you suggested, i even accepted when i was unexpectedly asked out. There was nothing there, but the company distracted me a little while longer.

I want love like this again, but i doubt it could exist: i recall her coming home from work, covered in dirt and sweat, her hair messy, face wrinkled..i never have seen anything that beautiful in my life, and i doubt i ever will..i think that is love.

I recall her cooking for me, wearing a t shirt and tracksuit pants, doing a stupid dance, her hair messy, and i thought she was so beautiful. 

She was attractive, but not a supermodel..but in my eyes she was. The feeling around her made life worth living

[kayc]

When I was young, I was in love...it took a long time but I got over it.  But when I met George it was a meeting of the hearts, it far surpassed anything I'd ever known, we connected, understood each other.  We started out friends, and fell in love, we adored each other, and being reciprocal, it was wonderful.  We were in our 40s when we met, hard to believe he's been gone so long.

I have every hope you will experience this again, perhaps something deeper and reciprocal to the depth.  It may not be exactly the same, but you will know when you have it.

[Barlic]

Gosh, that’s so beautiful...hearing that you had that, is amazing. It sounds like you had an amazing relationship. Something I can truly aspire to finding. I really hope u do find this again. I have certainly worked hard to find the right relationship..but it has not come my way as yet. It is preposterous in my mind to think I could feel this sort of chemistry again, that butterfly like feeling as she walks into the room, her effect on me was incredible. I could have loved her, and in some ways I was already falling in love with her. That sort of feeling made everything that was dark bright, it made me feel a happy giddiness for every minute of the day. I doubt that can happen again, but I will persist. 

However, it wasn’t the perfect relationship either, she was unreliable at times, didn’t compromise much, spoke a lot about herself, occasionally treated me poorly and was a poor communicator- a vital part of what caused this I believe- every time we spoke about this issue I felt more confused, she could have reassured me with “I’m not sure how it’s gonna go, but we like each other, we’ll work it out”. Instead she answered “this is a lot of pressure, this feels like an ultimatum, I don’t have any answers for you, I don’t wanna talk about this again”

[kayc]

George and I it was mutual, we had amazing communication.  I think the chemistry resulted from how we treated each other, you can't help but respond to that!  Don't settle for anything less, the devotion needs to be there on both sides.

[Barlic]

Yeah you’re right.. the mutual support wasn’t there..when it wasn’t convenient for her I felt like she very quickly saw me as a burden and didn’t treat me well. This was heartbreaking. Even more heartbreaking was the text message to call it off, no call or meeting. Simply discarded aside as if I didn’t matter anymore. Perhaps this had elements of a toxic relationship, it drew me in, sucked me in and then didn’t offer as much as I was putting in. I decided then to put more in..a vicious circle. Each day gets slightly easier, but we live close, I saw her car at the market recently, and I looked away, not ready to deal with a meeting again.

i would eventually like to be friends, when I’m completely over the sorrow, but there are elements of her that treated me poorly and used me. She said that she “would be happy to have coffee as friends if I’m around”. I’m only here for another 2 weeks, and would like to establish that friendship but am not sure if I can emotionally just yet. My heart yearns to see her but my head says that may cause more pain.

 

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Barlic said:

Even more heartbreaking was the text message to call it off, no call or meeting. Simply discarded aside as if I didn’t matter anymore.

My fiance went one further, he FedExed me at my office so I got the breakup publicly.  Yeah, feels awful, we definitely deserve better than that.

It can take a long period of "no contact" before able to be "friends" because your heart is still engaged.  There's definitely a different set of expectations for "friends."

[Barlic]

On 11/30/2019 at 1:23 AM, kayc said:

My fiance went one further, he FedExed me at my office so I got the breakup publicly.  Yeah, feels awful, we definitely deserve better than that.

It can take a long period of "no contact" before able to be "friends" because your heart is still engaged.  There's definitely a different set of expectations for "friends."

Oh that is horrible and ruthless, not the behaviour of a considerate compassionate individual. It stings that there is no recognition from her, no acknowledgement of what has occurred, I know she desires to move forward swiftly, and in doing so was bothered by the fact I needed a phone call. No acknowledgement of her inadequacy in text messaging to break It off. Yes true about the expectations on friends, I doubt that this would be someone easy to be friends with. I have under 2 weeks left to go in this place, an endeavour I undertook to enjoy her company. As it grows nearer I hold onto the pain like a souvenir, not just yet ready to move past it. My heart screams out to make contact with her but for what purpose, she has not reached out to me...she seems to be doing ok with her life. But I know that just as I leave it will be closing the chapter on this forever, and my heart is telling me to fight for it though my head warns of the dangers

[kayc]

THEY have to give you reason to fight for it.  Everything you're getting from her is that it's over.  Make healthy choices for YOU.  You'll get through this.

When you move, will you be closer to family/friends?

[Barlic]

Yes you’re right! She’s given me nothing...

yes I will thank god, away from her close to friends and family..

yesterday I went to the local gym, when I was coming outside her car was there and backing out. She couldn’t have missed me, surely, but I pretended to not see her. I wanted her to be friendly and say hello, she did not.

Later I messaged her telling her I saw her, she gave me not much at all, pretty cold really. Disappointing 

[kayc]

Wow, well there's your answer, I'm sorry.  I know how this hurts...

[Barlic]

Thanks. Yes, an answer definitely. I don’t see, from her perspective why she would not just be pleasant, it baffles me