Break up

[Raul1642]

Hi, 

First off I want to say thank you for reading this.

 

so here it goes 

My girlfriend and I had been dating about a year now. I’m 30 and she’s 27 with 2 kids. We had a great relationship, never had any major fights only minor discussions about unimportant stuff. I know it was still early in the relationship but she started bringing up marriage and having a kid with me, something I was scared of saying for the fact it was too “soon. However, I was completely into the idea. I love her and for the first time I saw myself growing old with somebody. Not to mention that I absolutely adore her two little girls. 

About 4 weeks ago her grandma was scheduled for a surgery and the weekend before she went out with her girlfriends. Something that I was completely fine with. We did ended up having a discussion that weekend because she decided to drive after a few drinks, when I had already offered to pick her up. 

Three days later Her grandma’s surgery brought up some complications and she felt into a coma. That night she asked me for time. I was in shock and I felt lost... but I know she was going thru a lot with her grandma so I just checked up on her. She would be distant and she would either ignore me or say that she didn’t want to talk to me. Over the weekend I asked if I could visit at the hospital and she allowed me to do so. I spent all weekend with her at the hospital making sure that I was there to take care of her. Monday morning she messaged that they were disconnecting her grandma and I immediately left work and rushed over. As soon as I got there, she passed away. They arranged the funeral for the following weekend and I asked her if she wanted me to go, she said yes. I was there for the viewing and the funeral and it seem things for us were going back to normal, although I knew she was in a lot of pain. She started saying that she loved me and missed me. But over the course of the week she started being distant and cold and I questioned what was going on. Which ended up making her furious and lashing out.

She once again said she didn’t want to talk about our relationship. To a certain degree I understood, but I also felt very confused and I asked where I stood in her eyes. She got mad again and ended up blocking me from all social media and from even calling her. 

Im not sure what to do anymore, I’ve tried to do little things here and there to show her that I’m here for her , that I love her and that she can count on me. I’m confused, how can she go from loving me and wanting a future to ending things. I don’t want to give up but I’m hurting really bad. I’m trying to understand if I did something bad or if I should of done something different. 

The only good thing is that she did reached out saying she understands that her emotional state is a mess and that she will be seeking therapy. I’m hoping she does. I’m hoping she realizes how much I love her and want to be with her but she’s only pushing me away. 

When I talk to my family or friends about it, they tell me that she’s doing it on purpose to start moving on. However, I don’t want to. She’s my best friend, my everything. 

Now i think I made it worse today by trying to reach out to her from another phone, saying I couldn’t force her to be with me  or love me at this moment and I dropped donuts n coffee with her receptionist. Something I immediately regret doing as I acted on impulse. Im just having a really hard time dealing with all this. I think I started pushing her away by being too much myself. I’ know I have to stop reaching out and doing stupid stuff like what I did today.

Any advice? Should I wait? Should I move on? I go to the gym regularly, I eat healthy, I try to stay busy throughout the day but I can’t stop thinking about her. I’m hardly sleeping and all I want to do is breakdown. 

Thank you for hearing me out, I’m going insane. 

-Raul

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Raul1642 said:

I’m confused, how can she go from loving me and wanting a future to ending things.

I don't know but plenty do it when grieving.  I was engaged for a year and my fiance broke up with me by Fed Ex when his mom was dying (he was caregiving her).  I understand taking a break, being overwhelmed, but...ending things this way?  I wanted to help, bring meals, etc, but wasn't allowed to...yet his ex-wife could?  I don't get it.  That was 9 1/2 years ago.  Today we're friends, but that's it.  And his XW lives with him, nothing romantic, roommates/friends, but it's hard to understand.  I figure I should count my lucky stars we didn't marry!  I'd prefer someone I could go through thick and thin with, not get ghosted for any reason.  I've read every post, every thread in this section...it helps you see a pattern and that there's a certain percentage of grievers that do respond this way.  There's nothing you can do to prevent her going her own way because this isn't about you, it's about her.  I'm so sorry, now you're the one grieving loss.  

Best advice...focus on yourself.  And you're better off with no contact.  I know that's hard, we did that for a few months, it helped me heal, and it also brings some clarity.  As you said, it can be confusing.

Here's my thread: 

                          

[Raul1642]

I’m just having a hard time with being respectful of her decision, to fighting for our relationship to giving up and feeling selfish for having all these feelings inside of me. 

[hopefulromantic]

I'm so sorry to hear about this Raul and I'm glad you've found this place where a lot of us have shared our versions where grief split our relationships out of the blue. It's been 1.5 years since my ex-girlfriend's granddad passed away and about 4 months since she told me she couldn't do this anymore and we broke up (her disconnectedness from me began around a year ago when she visited her widowed grandmother overseas).  As of now we still talk on the phone once every week/2 weeks but I ensure that it's she who calls, and not me intruding into her space (although emotionally it's super hard to do given how much I care and worry about her). Her grief is still apparent when there are triggers (death in TV shows etc.) and she calls me to share those feelings and I do my best to cheer her up and encourage her. Other than that I've not brought up anything about us getting back together or anything. I'm just being there for her when she needs me and in the mean time I'm focusing on improving myself, and showing affection to my family members and reconnecting with friends who I may not have previously spent as much time with.

 

This early period after the breakup (which you are going through now) is still etched in my mind. Those were days when my mind was just occupied thinking about her, I could get little to no work done and the only relieving moment would be at night going to bed. For some reason I turned into an early sleeper and early riser for the first few weeks (not typical of my sleep pattern) and there was this constant dull ache in my chest that almost seemed to reflect my mood during those early days. 

 

My advice for you would be to do your best and resist contacting her. Let her do it if anything. I know it's easier said than done but just think of it as the best option long-term. And before you do anything impulsive always ask yourself what outcome you're hoping to achieve by doing that (It's likely not going to change or potentially only push her away even more, so that'll get you back in the right frame of mind). Try and exercise and engage in self-improvement activities (learning something etc.). Another issue you'd have to deal with is the self-doubt/self-blame about what you did  wrong. Believe me this is neither your partner's nor your fault although it initially (and even sometimes for me at this point) feels that way. I still sometimes can't help but run through scenarios and wonder if something I did differently could have salvaged my relationship. But eventually I realise I did my best and I know I did everything with loving intention. All in all don't neglect your mental health and grief during this period too Raul. 

[kayc]

@hopefulromantic  Good advice.  

Try not to cause yourself added pain by hoping for something she's given you no reason to hope for.  I'd love to be wrong but after reading this story hundreds of times, it doesn't leave me reason to hope in this scenario.

[Raul1642]

Yeah last night went awful and she called it quits. She said she felt smothered and wanted to break up. I just said my goodbyes and wished her well. This really hurts but I hope one day we can rekindle. 

[kayc]

I am so sorry, I know how bad the pain and how it defies your understanding that which is not fathomable.  It's important to respect their wishes and let them go.  And for our sake to accept things as they are as the probability is extremely high that it will not change...you have only to read all of the threads in this section to realize that.  Out of hundreds who have been through this I think only one or two made it through intact...we did as friends but we could not have even been friends had I hoped for something else/more.  In so doing it would have set the stage for manipulating things the way I wanted them rather than accepting them as he wished, which would not have been good for either of us.  And in the end I can honestly say things worked out for the best...something I could not see at the time.  Giving yourself the gift of "no-contact" for a few months or even a couple of years if necessary, will help your heart heal, help both of you to have clarity.  I send you wishes for comfort and peace as you heal, this is all a process...