Forgive Me My Pet

[Chinook]

This Saturday, February 22, 2020 at 6am will be exactly 8 years since my ferret, my Chinook passed.  The hardest part losing Chinook as I had every pet you could think of over my life span, Chinook was special.  I found him or he found me.  He should have been put down November of 2011 as I saw signs of cancer with the thinning of hair loss on his tail.  Some ferrets do that and it grows back but it is also a sign of cancer.  Starting a new job at the same time, November 2011, money was hard.  No excuse.  I did not want to see the signs.  I did not want to take him to the vet because we already lost Nikomi, he was only a year and a half,  Chinook;s buddy, we bought him at a pet store.  I was afraid what the vet would say but I knew. We thought Nikomi had a cold but were we wrong, he had a rare cancer only found in young ferrets.  I did not want to hear those words.  Chinook suffer and passed on his own the following February.  The guilt to this day is killing me.  The selflessness but he knew I loved him but now I feel, he is looking down thinking, "you telling me you could have stopped all that pain??"    My thought process, he had some life happiness, his favorite snack or a snuggling with me, he had some joys but I was blind.  Like others on this site, my grief is an ongoing journey. There is no time clock.  My husband, mother, and others are sick of me talking about him.  They want me to sop collecting ferret themed items.  There is no ferret replacement in our household.  Even though I would love another ferret as I loved Nikomi too even if  he was with us for a short time but at the same time this ferret would never be my Chinook.   I hired another singer, Moss Cooper a young man to put my song I wrote to describe my pain and dedication, redemption, forgiveness.

The words are harsh towards me but isn't that how guilt works.  I am sure I am not the only one that feels this way.   Here is my song.  It is a video of still pictures of Chinook and me describing my guilt, my love, and my plea for his forgiveness.

Forgive Me My Pet

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing this.  I totally get it, it's hard not to go into denial, my journey through cancer with Arlie (dog) shows the struggle I faced.  It's hard to process and let go.  We want to hang onto them for dear life!  All of our feelings are valid, but in the end you did let him go.  It's the hardest thing in the world.

[Chinook]

Sorry about Arlie.  It is very hard even today for my Nikomi. 6 days after Chinook. February sucks for me and thank you for providing a space for m to express. . Respectfully Tim 

[kayc]

It's hard enough losing one but two?!  That's really rough, you feel like your whole family is gone, changed.  That's how I felt anyway, Arlie is my "soulmate in a dog."  And after he passed, I lost Kitty, she was 25 and declined rapidly, starting on Christmas.  My son had brought me a puppy before Christmas and I love him but am now terrified of losing him!  One of the hazards of having suffered loss/grief.

I wish you the best in the days ahead, I know how hard it is.  Anytime you want to post, I hope you will.  It helps to get it out and we're always here listening.