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My Home, A Land Mine

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I feel like my home is a land mine, a land mine of mementos, memories, and triggers of grief. I have it carefully mapped out so I can walk around these "triggers" if I'm not feeling strong enough or go to them if I need to recall memories of Josh or feel the pain and grief. This weekend I unexpectly found two land mines I hadn't mapped out. Last night I wasn't expecting to find those cute scrapbook stickers he gave me last year with cute sayings about winter. He got them for me because one says "Baby, it's cold outside." I'm from the South and he's from the Northeast so he used to kid me about always being so cold in the winter. (And, ironically, I will most likely be moving to the North within the next 2 years. If he only knew that would happen!) This morning when I was vacuuming I wasn't expecting to look over to my basket full of cards I've received and see that purple envelope peeking out. I hadn't read this love letter from Josh since he died; I had forgotten it was hidden away in that basket. It's so beautiful; a little gift from Josh left behind. Part of what he said "I love feeling loved by you as much as I love loving you... you make every aspect in my life just a little better, you are sort of the last piece of the puzzle. I love you so much and will for ever and ever." oh the tears... and tears.. and tears...

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Hi Kelly,

I know what you mean about the home being a land mine. Even though almost everything around me can trigger a memory of Dad once and a while out of the blue something I'd forgotten about suddenly pops up when least expected and starts off a new wave of tears. The other day I was doing exercises on the floor when I happened to open a book that was at eye level - a picture of Dad and I at Thanksgiving fell out of it. So much for the rest of my exercises as I burst into a sobbing wreck. I don't think we can completely trigger-proof our lives, things are going to constantly come at us and remind us of what we've lost. It sucks but at least we have the memories? I think in the long run it would be worse if we had nothing left even though at this point any memory is tough to handle. Hopefully in time the memories will bring more smiles than tears...


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