i'm a murderer

[linaindre]

i have killed my 7 years old cat lara and want to die myself now from terrible guilt.
every day from the day she was born on the streets i and my neighbour took care of her.
i was giving her and other stray cats their meal on mornings and my neghbour in the evenings.
and everything was ok, well, not everything, but everything was manageable. she overcame corona virus (not covid, but cat corona virus...her 2 sisters died), overcame severe pneumonia.
year ago i had to leave my home due to dad's disability, near which i was taking care of stray cats and move to another apartment.
so i have decided to take lara and 7 other cats from street to this new apartment with my own 7 cats as it has more rooms. they would live in one room and i with my own 7 in another.
so, year ago i had 15 of them. i know, somebody would tell me i'm crazy, but i couldn't leave them on the street, because as i thought i can and i will take good care of them.
and everything was normal. we were struggling with money, but somehow managed. untill last month when lara started to act not like she used to be.
i named her after lara croft character as she was crazy runner. she was chasing birds and butterflies, ran over the fields when she lived on the street.
i thought she feels sorry for not being allowed to go outside anymore and feel depressed to live with 7 others (but she knew them well).
then i thought she has some dental problems as we had a bad experience with some other stray cats. so i took a look at her mouth and found 2 bad teeth.
she started to became skinny (though she has never been fluffy), drank a lot of water and refused to eat food, only a little.
i told to myself as soon as i will get some money i would take her to vet to take out these 2 teeth.
when i finally was able to go to the vet, she told me first of all to have blood work and to see if she doesn't have kidney problems.
i refused due to the lack of money and due to my strong STUPID belief the problem is only because of her teeth and asked to make a surgery without blood work.
that was my first fatal mistake.
somehow and being very weak, with me in the bed, she managed to overcome night after surgery and even tried to eat some pate in the morning.
i started to think from now on she will be ok, she will start to eat little by little...
that was my fatal mistake no.2
day by day, she refused to eat anything and i started to feed her by force.
and on the 9th day after surgery when i thought nothing is changing and she is missing her weight even more, i borrowed some money and took her to another vet where they did her blood work...at last.
i was shocked: kidney parameters were 7 times exceeded normal range and liver - 2 times. vet told me she will die very soon, but we can try some iv fluids to wash her kidneys from toxins.
the same day they gave her iv fluids and some pain free medications. on the second day morning she felt so weak, but i refused to admit she is dying and didn't take her to vet to put her down.
she passed away the same night in agony, fast breathing, meowing, but on my chest, wrapping her with my arms and saying shhh my baby shhh 😢
after her death i have asked vet was it anesthesia that killed her kidneys, he said maybe without this surgery she will live 4 to 5 weeks, but not more.
but i know i killed her kidneys with this unnecessary surgery, not going to the vet short afterwards procedure when i saw nothing is changing.
i know that now, after her death, after taking so many years of her life ahead.
i only want to be with her. i know, i would leave other 14 who still love me (i hope) and i love them, but i can't do anything with the feeling she would live 1, 5 or even 10 more years.
and how i can say anything about love if i killed one of my babies 😢
one thought is still playing in my head - she would be alive if i would left her on the street with my neighbour. she has more money, she would really noticed she is not ok sooner and would go to the vet asap.

 

 

[kayc]

You did what you could.  When I first read this, I thought, she's in kidney failure as she had all the symptoms.  My cat was 25 and I suspected kidney failure, took her to the vet (she was peeing more, stopping eating, lost a lot of weight) and he told me her kidneys and liver shut down and there's no help for it, I had her euthanized.

It's very hard as we want to protect them, keep them going, but we can't protect them from everything and therein we feel failures.  But we're not.  We gave them a good home, fed them, loved them, how much better do you think she would have fared in the wild?  My Kitty had been taken in and then abandoned, countless times, in a trailer court in Portland before I got her.  She was ten when I met her, 12 when I took complete possession of her and she moved to my place in the country, far from Portland.I never dreamed she'd live so long.  She was very happy here and even though I lost her to death, I know she had a good life, and that's how I look at it.  We can't keep them alive forever.

I hope you will read these articles over and over again until it sinks in.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm

 

[linaindre]

kayc, thank you so much for the links, but words "i did what i could" are killing me. every loving pet owner is doing everything for them. if i would have done everything for her she would be alive. i can't take the fact there was nothing i could do more. i have read so many articles after her death about ckd (chronic kidney disease) and found out most of them live 1 to 4 years with this diagnose. i can't even imagine i took so many years from her. i can't bear the guilt 😢

[kayc]

Interesting that my vet told me there was no treatment for it when I had Kitty put to sleep in January.  Maybe hers was too far gone, she'd lost half her body weight.  And her liver too.  
When my dog was diagnosed with cancer they told me the same thing about his liver, the numbers were off the chart.  But he lived 2 months 10 days and I had him on natural supplements for his liver...but they helped, didn't fix it.

Not likely she'd have lived another four years.  Diabetes is very hard on kidneys and dog diabetics don't fare as well as people with it.  My boss had his dog's treated continually and she still died within months...kidney failure.

[linaindre]

guys, kayc, i want to know your opinion. as i find myself a terrible pet owner and their mum, should i release them to their home yard where they were born and grew? where they know everything, where they can run the fields and chase birds, go to the river and the most important thing - feel again free, not stucked in one room with a murderer. please please, let me know what do you think about that. it won't be cruel after 1 year spent at home? they would have 2 more people who would give them food and take care of them as it seems to me i can't do that because i have killed my beloved lara 😢

[kayc]

I would advise against it, it would be an adjustment for them and there's a reason the original owner rehomed them to you.  You aren't a terrible pet owner, you're just feeling that way which is common in early grief.  It takes much time to process your grief and begin to adjust, please give it time.  WHAT WOULD YOU TELL A FRIEND IN THIS SITUATION?  Tell yourself that same thing.  Practice being a friend to yourself.  It doesn't help to be hard on yourself, but patient and understanding.  If you truly feel this way, forgive yourself and learn from what you feel is a mistake.  If you question your decision, talk to the vet that did the euthanasia and ask them point blank their opinion and why.  Here we have a law that you cannot just willy nilly put your pet to sleep, there has to be a fatal condition in order to do so, so a vet would be the best one to answer that.

Have you read the articles I posted for you?  If so, read them again.  If not, please do so.