Girlfriend of 8 years broke up with me after her father passed away

[Jordz84]

I know I've seen other threads with this similar topic, but I wanted to get some advice on my specific situation.

 

My long term girlfriend of 8 years suddenly broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. Over the course of that time, we have broken up a couple of times, but we always ended finding our way back to each other.  Her father got diagnosed with cancer about a year ago, and I was there with her every step of the way.  I stood by her side when she needed me, and I even helped immensely when I realized he wasn't getting the proper care and the family was too distressed to speak up.  I was glad to help and be there for her and there isn't a thing I would change about that.  Back in March, he passed away in the hospital, and a few days later, we were both diagnosed with covid-19, so we were forced to quarantine at my house. I felt the pain of the loss as well.  He saw me as a son in law and he was a second father to me. We ended up having bad cases and we were stuck there for 5 weeks, so on top of not being able to have a proper funeral and not being able to mourn with her family or even on her own, it was extremely rough on her.  After finally going back home, I noticed she started to become more distant from me.  She started to go back to work and said she was extremely stressed and depressed and needed space.  I told her I completely understood and I would give her all the space and time she needed to do whatever she had to do to get through this difficult time.  Ultimately, she thought that a break up was necessary because it wasn't fair for me to deal with her like this and that she just needed to be alone.  While I understand why she needed the space, I'm still shocked and confused as to why she would cut out the one person that's always stuck by her side through thick and thin and all I wanted to do was help her through this.  She said that she still may see a future with me and that maybe in a few months we could reconnect and try again, but she needs to do this first, otherwise she may resent me forever if she didn't.  

We originally had plans to move out and get married within the next year or so, and for the longest time, she was completely on board with all of it.  But she said once her father passed, she didn't think she was ready for that commitment anymore..at least not right now.  The last time she got back together with me, she realized that she screwed up in the past, but she never wanted to risk losing me again...and here we are.  I love this girl with all my heart.  We have so much in common, work so well together and just lived life together... and I still want to marry her and have a family with her, but i'm not sure if I should wait? If I should be there for her if/when she calls? And I can't help but to think of the possibility that she may never call or she just may move on from me.

[kayc]

There are countless such threads in Loss of Love Relationship section, you could have this moved there for more response.

I am so sorry that you too find yourself in this position.  There's a certain number of people who respond like this in their grief, whether anticipatory or following the actual loss.  I'm sure they are at a loss to understand how they can feel this way, just as we are, it doesn't make sense to me either except they feel they have nothing within themselves to give anyone and it seems a pressure to them to have someone waiting by the wings, so to speak.

I also went through it with my fiance ten years ago.  I highly recommend you have several months no contact and realize this relationship is likely gone to you in this form.  She will be very confused, not knowing her own mind and the mixed messages can really send you into a tailspin if you let it.  No contact means just that, block her on social media, email, phone, etc.  Tell your friends not to pass on information to you about her.  I know the mere thought of this can send you into a panic but it's essential for your healing and thus gaining clarity.  As long as your emotions bind you to her, you are susceptible to being yanked around emotionally and not being able to clearly see what is in YOUR best interest.  Right now she is focusing on herself and I highly recommend your doing the same, focus on YOU, your family/friends.  Work on yourself, do things you've always wanted to do, work out, take a class, hike, whatever you've put off.

Here is my story: 

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/5333-here-i-go-again/&page=1