Lost my beloved pug last Monday

[Jenster]

Hi folks - 

I just joined this forum this week, after I had to euthanize my beloved pug mix, Clarabelle, due to collapsed trachea and congestive heart failure.  She had been sick for two years, but took a sudden turn for the worse on Sunday and started refusing food, which meant I couldn't get her medications down her throat.  On Monday she began vomiting uncontrollably.  I took  her to the vet, who said that she could probably stay alive for a while with daily injections, but that she would never be cured of these diseases.  She also had severe arthritis in three of her leg joints.  She was over 11 years old, and had lived an awesome life with me, so I made the incredibly painful decision to let her go.  I held her as she died.  Now all I can think of is the moment when her body went limp and she left me.  I feel so lonely, and my apartment is so quiet.  She went nearly everywhere with me, because she was my emotional support dog, so I miss her everywhere.  She was the best companion, so loving and accepting and always ready to go with me wherever I wanted.  But she had gotten so sick lately that it was hard for her to even walk outside and she was becoming reluctant to try.  I don't have children, and I live over 2000 miles from my nearest family members, and I'm divorced and not dating anyone right now, so the loneliness is acute.  I never felt lonely when she was here.  I also feel like no one in the world needs me or would care if I weren't here, although I have caring friends and family.  And I keep feeling something like fear.  I'm not sure why.  I've started being unable to sleep at night.  I have to wait until it's light outside.  I know I need help, and there is a pet loss grief support group here that I can join next week.  I would appreciate any tips you have for getting through this terrible time.  And yes, I know getting another dog would help, but I'm not ready to do that yet.  I need time to mourn my Clara.  Thanks in advance!

[kayc]

Welcome here!  I am very sorry for your loss, I love this picture of her.  I lost my best friend and companion, Arlie 10 1/2 months ago and miss him tremendously, he was my perfect dog, smart, beautiful, goofy, he fit in with me so well, of all the dogs and cats I've owned (24), this loss hit me the hardest, it reminded me of losing my husband 15 years ago.  I tried finding a dog in a rescue but after some bad attempts (I've gotten 6 dog bites in the last few months and one was shot by a neighbor), I had all but given up on getting a dog to keep me company.  I wasn't looking for a replacement as I knew there IS no dog like Arlie, that is a tribute to him and his wonderful specialness, his smile drew me to him, it was the most beautiful smile in all the world and even when he was suffering with cancer, he still smiled.  I will morn him until the day I die.  My son brought me Kodie before Christmas and he's been a lifesaver, a Klee Kai puppy (miniature Husky), keeps me busy and very loving.  He doesn't do the Husky talk like Arlie did...Arlie was an amazing communicator,  better than a lot of people!  But I don't know what I'd do during this pandemic without Kodie as I too live alone, so my heart goes out to you.  To top it off, Kitty, who was 25, passed Jan. 6, I didn't expect that, she was an amazing cat, always able to heal herself...until this...her kidneys & liver shut down, it was time to let her be in peace.

I applaud you for putting Clara ahead of your own needs/desires and releasing her from suffering.  I truly believe we'll be with them again.  I look forward to that!  I hope some of these articles are of help to you.   It sounds like you're dealing with anxiety (I have lifelong GAD) and I hope you're able to see your doctor for that, I'm on Buspirone for life, in a class of it's own, not an SSRI, doesn't alter the brain or leave me robotic, I still feel, but it takes the edge off so I can cope.  I'm also on 50 mg Trazadone for sleep.  I tried Melatonin but it didn't work for me, lavender is supposed to help but I don't care for the smell.  Meditations help but still not enough to afford me sleep, I would pray in the middle of the night "You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3

I started walking my neighbor's dog right after Arlie died, it helped to not walk alone, but unfortunately he bit me twice and I've had to quit after ten months and developing a relationship with him, so that further adds to my heartbreak.  He is an older chow with much unknown about his history but he's bitten everyone in their family which I didn't know ahead of time.  If you know a gentle neighbor dog you might try borrowing now and then, maybe a golden retriever?

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm

[roseaimee]

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had answers or a magic wand.

[Jenster]

Thank you, Kay and Rose for your kind and sympathetic words.  I am starting to feel a little better.  I had a meet and greet with a 2 year old chi-weenie today, not a pug but I think she will do better in the desert in Tucson where I live.  We hit it off and the fosters seem to think it's a good fit.  I will know on Monday.  It's really early, but I am concerned for my physical well-being if I don't go ahead and fill that hole in my life.  My depression and anxiety haven't been this bad in years.  I will post again when I know for sure about the new dog.  Posting a pic of her here.

[kayc]

Oh Jenster, I am so glad for you and hope it all works out.  She has such bright eyes, I love her smile!  I know one does not replace another but they sure have a way of worming their way into our hearts!  I can't imagine life w/o my Kodie now, even while I still grieve my Arlie.  I wish they could have known each other, they would have loved each other, but perhaps in the next realm.  I do hope you will let us know how it goes!