Diagnosed with same disease that one brother died from

[MTNSIDE]

I am not afraid to die. I actually welcome it at most times. It’s being afraid of the slowness of it. I watched my brother, from diagnosis until he took his last breath as I was counting seconds between each breath. First he couldn’t walk as far or as fast. Then used a cane to help him stand. Then couldn’t drive. Then couldn’t even leave his house. He had me to help him do the things he couldn’t anymore. Even most things with his son. About 3 years confined to bed (sofa in his case). His last year 24/7 oxygen. Only 3 days in the hospital before he passed. I had never seen anyone literally skin and bone. So that’s my fate. In my case, I have nobody to help me. If I wait for it to take me too. I can’t walk as far or as fast. Sometimes I can barely stand, only during a flare up. I have 2 sons in their 20’s.  I have one friend still living.  I already fight this strong desire to end my life. I fight so I don’t cause my sons more pain. I just don’t know anymore. The life I had is already gone. I already feel like I’m halfway there. I’m so tired. The mental pain still worse than the physical, but together they are just too much. I wish it could all be over already. I want it to be. 

[kayc]

I'm sorry you find yourself with the same thing that took your brother.  When you reach the point you'll need help, I hope you'll contact Senior & Disabled Services, they can have someone come in to you and help with cleaning, grocery shopping, chores, whatever you need.  They offered help to my mom but she declined, instead relying on us kids even though all but one were two hours away from her.  We did a lot of commuting.

3 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

The life I had is already gone. I already feel like I’m halfway there. I’m so tired. The mental pain still worse than the physical, but together they are just too much. I wish it could all be over already. I want it to be. 

I understand.