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MTNSIDE

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About MTNSIDE

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 03/29/1968

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Sister to 2. And friend to 3
  • Date of Death
    2009.2013,2015,2016, 2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Baton Rouge , La
  • Interests
    I used to enjoy piano and guitar. Literally counting strings to get finger placement till he yells how stupid I am. I was so proud when I learned Green Day “When Sept Ends”. Flawless. That is until I only went A month without playing it, and I completely forgot. I knew over a hundred songs on piano until they did ECTS. I lost all current memory and was unable to play even chopsticks!!! The entertainer Bryan Adams, Eric Claptons,“wonderful tonite”, I can only Imagine was most recent one I learned, since I sat down and realized all that hatd work meant nothing anymore:).

Recent Profile Visitors

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  1. I was always amazed by how smart she was. She also hated her picture to be taken. I would try and trick her, but she knew that I wasn’t just playing on my phone. She somehow knew i was really trying to sneak a pic and she would turn away 99% of the time. The bow tie pic is funny because it was being taken to go on her support dog ID. She stood still for that one!! lol .... Almost every other pic I have of her, she is already turning away. We had to spell quite a few words in front of her too. She was a rescue when still a puppy, and the smartest dog I ever knew of.
  2. This is Christmas.... we used to laugh because she would sneak and drink milk from my glass. It always stayed on her bottom lip:).... I would talk for her and say “I never even saw a glass of milk in here today!” I am so sorry I didn’t get to see you much in the past few months. It was never by choice. I missed you every day my sweet baby girl!!!! Christmas was 9 years old. She passed away very unexpectantly on April 21, 2021
  3. I think more people understand how hard it is to lose a pet than when I was young. They used to act like it was selfish to waste grief on an animal. People hid their grief. Pets have definitely risen in the social ranks. I think it takes a special kind of person to meet a special, extra intelligent kind of animal in order to understand what the loss of that unconditional love does to our soul. They are always very happy to see us!! We can do no wrong! They don’t know or care if we are rich or poor. Famous or unknown. They are all about loving us so perfectly!! Can you imagine another person
  4. I lived with my former best friend and her dog, Christmas, for 7 years. Four of those years were in my home until it flooded. We moved in with her dad who started showing signs of dementia. I was deeply depressed so I had the job of sitting with her dad 70-80 hours a week for 3 years. When he died, I was forced to move out. I missed Christmas so much and felt guilty for disappearing on her like that. I wasn’t even able to visit much at all cause of the jealous ex that my friend got back together with. About 3 months ago, My former best friend gave me Roux, who was a cat I found and we both
  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. She gave you so much support and help with issues you struggled with. It is understandable that the symptoms she helped you control came back and are even stronger to fight. Do you have any other people in your life that offer you support? If not, sharing here was a smart decision. I hope you find the support you need as you go through your grief. After the loss of my brothers and friends, dogs, and my home, health, and business, I was diagnosed with complicated grief. My borderline personality symptoms were much worse. When I feel emotions so intensely, I can bar
  6. I still have a very difficult time feeling the pain or even attempting to grieve for any of the losses that came at me nonstop. Not without feeling it all at once. It overwhelms me so I have to shut it all off again. Like In 2015, I lost my 2nd brother at the same time as trying to deal with where my sons would live after our home flooded again. Fema.kept half of my equity to tear down our home where we shared 19 years of our family memories. I couldn’t even drive near the empty lot it once stood for approx a couple of years. And the losses continued at that rate of 3-4 major losses a ye
  7. I’m not sure if you know much about pwborderline personality disorder, but as I was reading over the article u posted, it talked about the pain of feeling the emotions. And avoiding anything that may trigger those emotions. As I got older I learned to hide my feelings better, but I always seemed to feel things more intensely than those around me. Maybe pwbpd are more likely to get complicated grief because they feel things much more intensely than pw out bpd. The feelings around losing a loved one hurts enough without it being felt to a more intense degree.. Bpd may also be a contributor in
  8. It can also cause us more pain. It has made group settings too hard to sit thru. But most of the time, I do welcome it because I’ve always believed the purpose of that gift was to help share pain so they don’t hurt as bad.
  9. I’m sorry for all u have struggled with in your lifetime. You will be with God one day. I hope im there to witness as you are rewarded the joy and peace you have deserved for so long. Beside your mom and husband etc. What a beautiful soul you have. With ur wisdom, you are blessed with exactly the combination that we all are lucky to learn, experience and grow from... The positive that comes out of being a pwborderline personality is that I’m gifted with being an empath. This gift was called different things as I grew up. But I can feel others emotions, and sometimes even a change in that em
  10. ECT is electroshock therapy. I have tried to play but I get aggravated cause I can’t play with both hands now. I was trying to learn ‘I can only imagine’ and I only got about 1/4 way thru, but I already forgot it. I’m on disability and I tried, with several doctors and agency’s help, to find a therapist for 3 years, and the one I ‘see’ now was one of the last that trickled in. My sons are living in my older brothers house. My inheritance. But I know it’s going to crush them. I am only worse and soon they won’t remember how I was before. Thank you for ur kind comments, but I am a burden. I a
  11. The last wave of loss I had started on 2015 when I lost my second brother and then my home. Even the next home, the next year, both to flooding. 3 more friends passed away leaving me one. Both of my dogs to old age. Then I had to close my business because of my health. It is terminal, but in my jobs I used chemicals that was making it worse, faster. I actually wrote on this site in 2019, after it all broke me in 2018. I would either feel nothing or all the pain at once. Then guilty for not being able to acknowledge any one of them. I looked for help, but who I did find willing to treat me, l
  12. Sometimes I’m afraid to say the wrong thing and add to anyone’s pain, but I wanted to ask you how you acquired something I admire about you. It confuses me, but I know it’s real. I feel your strength and self awareness. In ur words and thru ur advice. But after all that you went thru, you finally were blessed to know true happiness. Then, that knowledge that true happiness enlightened and strengthened you with, also filled you with insight. What a gift, when you add it to the empathy only those with unfortunate life experiences can feel deeply. Familiar, sadly because you lived it. Not jus
  13. I was wondering the same thing about God. Like the ‘Footprint’ poem about there was one set of prints in the sand during life’s hardest times. Then it says cause God was carrying him. Well I used to feel that way. Now there is one set no matter if times are good or bad. I’m afraid to get close to God again. It seems to always be when I feel attacked. No I am attacked. And it wasn’t only me paying the price. My sons have been poorly affected by my losses that were their loss too. Their dad and my brothers. Our home they lived in almost since birth. Closing day was same day my younger son was bo
  14. I’ve been struggling really hard. I think I need to stop seeing this therapist i was seeing once every 4-5 weeks Since a month before Pandemic. Its still every 4 -5 weeks but, at the most, it’s a 20 min phone conversation. It seems that she believes I need stronger meds since I’m still severely depressed. She doesn’t believe it’s from my losses and traumas. Not from my horrific abuse since life’s first memory. Or the intense physical pain that rarely leaves me today. I lost my will to live. I lost my faith that I’ll learn to want to live again. I’ll never find help. I looked so hard and l
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