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MTNSIDE

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About MTNSIDE

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 03/29/1968

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Sister to 2. And friend to 3
  • Date of Death
    2009.2013,2015,2016, 2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Baton Rouge , La
  • Interests
    I used to enjoy piano and guitar. Literally counting strings to get finger placement till he yells how stupid I am. I was so proud when I learned Green Day “When Sept Ends”. Flawless. That is until I only went A month without playing it, and I completely forgot. I knew over a hundred songs on piano until they did ECTS. I lost all current memory and was unable to play even chopsticks!!! The entertainer Bryan Adams, Eric Claptons,“wonderful tonite”, I can only Imagine was most recent one I learned, since I sat down and realized all that hatd work meant nothing anymore:).

Recent Profile Visitors

219 profile views
  1. I still have a very difficult time feeling the pain or even attempting to grieve for any of the losses that came at me nonstop. Not without feeling it all at once. It overwhelms me so I have to shut it all off again. Like In 2015, I lost my 2nd brother at the same time as trying to deal with where my sons would live after our home flooded again. Fema.kept half of my equity to tear down our home where we shared 19 years of our family memories. I couldn’t even drive near the empty lot it once stood for approx a couple of years. And the losses continued at that rate of 3-4 major losses a ye
  2. I’m not sure if you know much about pwborderline personality disorder, but as I was reading over the article u posted, it talked about the pain of feeling the emotions. And avoiding anything that may trigger those emotions. As I got older I learned to hide my feelings better, but I always seemed to feel things more intensely than those around me. Maybe pwbpd are more likely to get complicated grief because they feel things much more intensely than pw out bpd. The feelings around losing a loved one hurts enough without it being felt to a more intense degree.. Bpd may also be a contributor in
  3. It can also cause us more pain. It has made group settings too hard to sit thru. But most of the time, I do welcome it because I’ve always believed the purpose of that gift was to help share pain so they don’t hurt as bad.
  4. I’m sorry for all u have struggled with in your lifetime. You will be with God one day. I hope im there to witness as you are rewarded the joy and peace you have deserved for so long. Beside your mom and husband etc. What a beautiful soul you have. With ur wisdom, you are blessed with exactly the combination that we all are lucky to learn, experience and grow from... The positive that comes out of being a pwborderline personality is that I’m gifted with being an empath. This gift was called different things as I grew up. But I can feel others emotions, and sometimes even a change in that em
  5. ECT is electroshock therapy. I have tried to play but I get aggravated cause I can’t play with both hands now. I was trying to learn ‘I can only imagine’ and I only got about 1/4 way thru, but I already forgot it. I’m on disability and I tried, with several doctors and agency’s help, to find a therapist for 3 years, and the one I ‘see’ now was one of the last that trickled in. My sons are living in my older brothers house. My inheritance. But I know it’s going to crush them. I am only worse and soon they won’t remember how I was before. Thank you for ur kind comments, but I am a burden. I a
  6. The last wave of loss I had started on 2015 when I lost my second brother and then my home. Even the next home, the next year, both to flooding. 3 more friends passed away leaving me one. Both of my dogs to old age. Then I had to close my business because of my health. It is terminal, but in my jobs I used chemicals that was making it worse, faster. I actually wrote on this site in 2019, after it all broke me in 2018. I would either feel nothing or all the pain at once. Then guilty for not being able to acknowledge any one of them. I looked for help, but who I did find willing to treat me, l
  7. Sometimes I’m afraid to say the wrong thing and add to anyone’s pain, but I wanted to ask you how you acquired something I admire about you. It confuses me, but I know it’s real. I feel your strength and self awareness. In ur words and thru ur advice. But after all that you went thru, you finally were blessed to know true happiness. Then, that knowledge that true happiness enlightened and strengthened you with, also filled you with insight. What a gift, when you add it to the empathy only those with unfortunate life experiences can feel deeply. Familiar, sadly because you lived it. Not jus
  8. I was wondering the same thing about God. Like the ‘Footprint’ poem about there was one set of prints in the sand during life’s hardest times. Then it says cause God was carrying him. Well I used to feel that way. Now there is one set no matter if times are good or bad. I’m afraid to get close to God again. It seems to always be when I feel attacked. No I am attacked. And it wasn’t only me paying the price. My sons have been poorly affected by my losses that were their loss too. Their dad and my brothers. Our home they lived in almost since birth. Closing day was same day my younger son was bo
  9. I’ve been struggling really hard. I think I need to stop seeing this therapist i was seeing once every 4-5 weeks Since a month before Pandemic. Its still every 4 -5 weeks but, at the most, it’s a 20 min phone conversation. It seems that she believes I need stronger meds since I’m still severely depressed. She doesn’t believe it’s from my losses and traumas. Not from my horrific abuse since life’s first memory. Or the intense physical pain that rarely leaves me today. I lost my will to live. I lost my faith that I’ll learn to want to live again. I’ll never find help. I looked so hard and l
  10. I’m so stuck. I lost all hope of having a life worth living, again!! All of the support I had from others disappeared when they all passed away. The few still with me cause me so much pain. They only know how to take from me. Use me. Criticize me. Discount how I feel. I don’t know if it’s having borderline personality and severe depression that contributed to having complicated grief now. I can only try to ignore the thoughts that cause so much pain. Feeling any of it lead me to a very dark place and bad thoughts.
  11. Nice to meet you, Kodie. This is my dog, Suge, and cat, Roux. I always enjoyed alone time, tho rarely had any while raising my sons. Now I have plenty. I never want to be around anyone anymore. Sometimes I feel bad for being tnis way, but it’s how I want it now. It’s too hard to pretend to be how everyone wants me to be. If they stay away, I can just be whatever this is.
  12. I am not afraid to die. I actually welcome it at most times. It’s being afraid of the slowness of it. I watched my brother, from diagnosis until he took his last breath as I was counting seconds between each breath. First he couldn’t walk as far or as fast. Then used a cane to help him stand. Then couldn’t drive. Then couldn’t even leave his house. He had me to help him do the things he couldn’t anymore. Even most things with his son. About 3 years confined to bed (sofa in his case). His last year 24/7 oxygen. Only 3 days in the hospital before he passed. I had never seen anyone literally skin
  13. I started seeing a therapist except she only sees me once every 4-5 weeks. And over the phone since pandemic for about 20 min each time. I had seen her only once before pandemic. She was telling me to join a social club. I was never the social club type person. I am taking your advice. I went and sat on porch today and it was nice. I will try to do that each day. Maybe more as my health improves from taking meds and vitaminD. I’m really hoping part of this depression is from those med problems. Just if it can be a little better may be it will enough to make this all not seem so dark and hopel
  14. I have not been living with it too good at all. The combo of borderline personality and complicated grief along with my other labels has inhibited my getting any help. I have isolated for 2 years now. I actually have vitamin D deficiency from never being out this room and going outdoors. I exist only. I wish I were strong like I was in my entire past life. But those 3 years took it all. Friends , family, health , income, homes, pets. I can’t accept this but I’m very stuck. How I survive is knowing I have the option of dying when I can’t take another step.
  15. Maybe try going about it a little differently. Try tellIng yourself that you are hoping to see ur loved one in ur dreams that night. Have it in your mind already that it’s a treat to see them, but they go away with your dreams as u awaken. Accept that ahead of time, and I hope that may help u wake up without that emotional pain...Im sad I have never dreamed of my younger brother we lost to a brain anuerysm in 2009, at 38, tho there was nobody I was closer to than him. But a close 2nd was my older brother who died of COPD in 2015. He was 51. I also have the same type COPD as he had. I dream
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