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MTNSIDE

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    31
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About MTNSIDE

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 03/29/1968

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Sister to 2. And friend to 3
  • Date of Death
    2009.2013,2015,2016, 2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Baton Rouge , La
  • Interests
    I used to enjoy piano and guitar. Literally counting strings to get finger placement till he yells how stupid I am. I was so proud when I learned Green Day “When Sept Ends”. Flawless. That is until I only went A month without playing it, and I completely forgot. I knew over a hundred songs on piano until they did ECTS. I lost all current memory and was unable to play even chopsticks!!! The entertainer Bryan Adams, Eric Claptons,“wonderful tonite”, I can only Imagine was most recent one I learned, since I sat down and realized all that hatd work meant nothing anymore:).

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  1. Sometimes I’m afraid to say the wrong thing and add to anyone’s pain, but I wanted to ask you how you acquired something I admire about you. It confuses me, but I know it’s real. I feel your strength and self awareness. In ur words and thru ur advice. But after all that you went thru, you finally were blessed to know true happiness. Then, that knowledge that true happiness enlightened and strengthened you with, also filled you with insight. What a gift, when you add it to the empathy only those with unfortunate life experiences can feel deeply. Familiar, sadly because you lived it. Not jus
  2. I was wondering the same thing about God. Like the ‘Footprint’ poem about there was one set of prints in the sand during life’s hardest times. Then it says cause God was carrying him. Well I used to feel that way. Now there is one set no matter if times are good or bad. I’m afraid to get close to God again. It seems to always be when I feel attacked. No I am attacked. And it wasn’t only me paying the price. My sons have been poorly affected by my losses that were their loss too. Their dad and my brothers. Our home they lived in almost since birth. Closing day was same day my younger son was bo
  3. I’ve been struggling really hard. I think I need to stop seeing this therapist i was seeing once every 4-5 weeks Since a month before Pandemic. Its still every 4 -5 weeks but, at the most, it’s a 20 min phone conversation. It seems that she believes I need stronger meds since I’m still severely depressed. She doesn’t believe it’s from my losses and traumas. Not from my horrific abuse since life’s first memory. Or the intense physical pain that rarely leaves me today. I lost my will to live. I lost my faith that I’ll learn to want to live again. I’ll never find help. I looked so hard and l
  4. I’m so stuck. I lost all hope of having a life worth living, again!! All of the support I had from others disappeared when they all passed away. The few still with me cause me so much pain. They only know how to take from me. Use me. Criticize me. Discount how I feel. I don’t know if it’s having borderline personality and severe depression that contributed to having complicated grief now. I can only try to ignore the thoughts that cause so much pain. Feeling any of it lead me to a very dark place and bad thoughts.
  5. Nice to meet you, Kodie. This is my dog, Suge, and cat, Roux. I always enjoyed alone time, tho rarely had any while raising my sons. Now I have plenty. I never want to be around anyone anymore. Sometimes I feel bad for being tnis way, but it’s how I want it now. It’s too hard to pretend to be how everyone wants me to be. If they stay away, I can just be whatever this is.
  6. I am not afraid to die. I actually welcome it at most times. It’s being afraid of the slowness of it. I watched my brother, from diagnosis until he took his last breath as I was counting seconds between each breath. First he couldn’t walk as far or as fast. Then used a cane to help him stand. Then couldn’t drive. Then couldn’t even leave his house. He had me to help him do the things he couldn’t anymore. Even most things with his son. About 3 years confined to bed (sofa in his case). His last year 24/7 oxygen. Only 3 days in the hospital before he passed. I had never seen anyone literally skin
  7. I started seeing a therapist except she only sees me once every 4-5 weeks. And over the phone since pandemic for about 20 min each time. I had seen her only once before pandemic. She was telling me to join a social club. I was never the social club type person. I am taking your advice. I went and sat on porch today and it was nice. I will try to do that each day. Maybe more as my health improves from taking meds and vitaminD. I’m really hoping part of this depression is from those med problems. Just if it can be a little better may be it will enough to make this all not seem so dark and hopel
  8. I have not been living with it too good at all. The combo of borderline personality and complicated grief along with my other labels has inhibited my getting any help. I have isolated for 2 years now. I actually have vitamin D deficiency from never being out this room and going outdoors. I exist only. I wish I were strong like I was in my entire past life. But those 3 years took it all. Friends , family, health , income, homes, pets. I can’t accept this but I’m very stuck. How I survive is knowing I have the option of dying when I can’t take another step.
  9. Maybe try going about it a little differently. Try tellIng yourself that you are hoping to see ur loved one in ur dreams that night. Have it in your mind already that it’s a treat to see them, but they go away with your dreams as u awaken. Accept that ahead of time, and I hope that may help u wake up without that emotional pain...Im sad I have never dreamed of my younger brother we lost to a brain anuerysm in 2009, at 38, tho there was nobody I was closer to than him. But a close 2nd was my older brother who died of COPD in 2015. He was 51. I also have the same type COPD as he had. I dream
  10. It does feel terrible at first. It thankfully gets easier with time. And we get to hold onto our memories thankfully. I would love a better memory. And my older brother always made me laugh. I wish I could remember more of his jokes!! I’m happy for you that you are able to still hear him in ur mind!! ❤️
  11. I lost both of our dogs, one past away 3 months after losing my second brother and only one month before my first home was demolished because of flooding 4 times, in 2015, old age at age 17. Then in 2016, a week before a freak flood took my younger brothers, who had died of brain anuerysm age 38, home we had moved to and invested my remaining equity in, We lost our sweet 15 year old mini chihuahua, also of old age. And only a couple months before I lost my best friend to a very brave fight with cancer. I, like I did the other losses, put it out my mind as tho it didn’t happen. The beginning
  12. How nice to have a dream that’s a confirmation that you made the right decision. Regardless of how it came about, ur mind seems like it worked through it all over again. It may be you had some need to lay to rest any fear regarding the decision to put her to sleep. A very selfless act. I’m so sorry you has to make that decision.
  13. I have a dream that began close to a year ago. It’s a little different each time except, my older brother I lost and home flood and few other details are constant. I can change the dreams outcome when I get to a part that I remember is going to be upsetting. I am not sure what to think about that happening.
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