MTNSIDE

I’m hurting terribly. Losing my dad to gunshot to chest is still hard to accept. It’s gone further than that and I’m so overwhelmed. My mom has been staying with my sister and I have only talked to her 3 times since. I lived in a brothers house after losing mine a few years ago. It was part of what I inherited. After my dad died my sister had my mom put it in her name . She then gave us eviction notice that ends thanksgiving and is selling it cause she doesn’t Like the outside ok her newly remodeled home. She is building a new home and shut us out their lives. Blocked numbers and I miss my mom so much. I’ll never know why my mom put it in my sisters name but we still have not found a home to go to. I not only lost my dad, I lost the remainder of my family. My sons are also being rejected.

My dad, always did things top notch. A Navy Seabee diver, first to install central heat and A’c so earned his degree and started first central unit businesses. When retiring his business 40 + years later he then gave his time to Veterans and knights of Columbus holding highest position for many years. The dad/ hero I grew up knowing would have not taken his own life. In fact I attempted the prior year, and my dad told me the many reasons to never give Up. if I change/ interfere w Gods plans for me, I’ll never know if tomorrow would have been the day I was waiting for . The answer that made life worth living!! I’m sad that my dads cause of death will be suicide by gunshot. He fought so many battles but he never showed outward signs of any struggles. He did not give up. My dad was an 84 year old Retired Navy diver, very successful business owner for 40 years. He played Taps at countless veteran gravesites, tirelessly raised money for the veterans and K of C, volunteered at our church. He died at home while watching a Saints game and cleaning a gun. He was also talking to my mom. The gun was discharged accidently, by my dad, striking him in his chest. He died within minutes In tne arms of his loving wife of 60 years. Dad I miss you so much!!! After all, I knew you all of my life!!

I was always amazed by how smart she was. She also hated her picture to be taken. I would try and trick her, but she knew that I wasn’t just playing on my phone. She somehow knew i was really trying to sneak a pic and she would turn away 99% of the time. The bow tie pic is funny because it was being taken to go on her support dog ID. She stood still for that one!! lol .... Almost every other pic I have of her, she is already turning away. We had to spell quite a few words in front of her too. She was a rescue when still a puppy, and the smartest dog I ever knew of.

This is Christmas.... we used to laugh because she would sneak and drink milk from my glass. It always stayed on her bottom lip:).... I would talk for her and say “I never even saw a glass of milk in here today!” I am so sorry I didn’t get to see you much in the past few months. It was never by choice. I missed you every day my sweet baby girl!!!! Christmas was 9 years old. She passed away very unexpectantly on April 21, 2021

I think more people understand how hard it is to lose a pet than when I was young. They used to act like it was selfish to waste grief on an animal. People hid their grief. Pets have definitely risen in the social ranks. I think it takes a special kind of person to meet a special, extra intelligent kind of animal in order to understand what the loss of that unconditional love does to our soul. They are always very happy to see us!! We can do no wrong! They don’t know or care if we are rich or poor. Famous or unknown. They are all about loving us so perfectly!! Can you imagine another person loving you that way???

I lived with my former best friend and her dog, Christmas, for 7 years. Four of those years were in my home until it flooded. We moved in with her dad who started showing signs of dementia. I was deeply depressed so I had the job of sitting with her dad 70-80 hours a week for 3 years. When he died, I was forced to move out. I missed Christmas so much and felt guilty for disappearing on her like that. I wasn’t even able to visit much at all cause of the jealous ex that my friend got back together with. About 3 months ago, My former best friend gave me Roux, who was a cat I found and we both claimed ownership of, but I let her keep Roux since she had just lost her dad. Her ex was allergic to cats so I was happy to get Roux back. I am living with my son and he has the brother of Roux, so it’s nice to all be together. I was hurting so bad from missing Christmas, and wondered if she felt abandoned by me:( . The guilt was awful. I got a call from my former best friend this morning that Christmas died. She was 9 years old and healthy. She did have a little stomach problem and the vet gave her a couple of shots and medication yesterday. She died? What happened? I helped my friend bring her to be cremated this morning. My heart is broken. So much time lost with her. I wonder if she knew I never wanted to leave her?

I’m so sorry for your loss. She gave you so much support and help with issues you struggled with. It is understandable that the symptoms she helped you control came back and are even stronger to fight. Do you have any other people in your life that offer you support? If not, sharing here was a smart decision. I hope you find the support you need as you go through your grief. After the loss of my brothers and friends, dogs, and my home, health, and business, I was diagnosed with complicated grief. My borderline personality symptoms were much worse. When I feel emotions so intensely, I can barely get through each day. I found support here and at a couple of other sites. I pray for you that you do too!!

I still have a very difficult time feeling the pain or even attempting to grieve for any of the losses that came at me nonstop. Not without feeling it all at once. It overwhelms me so I have to shut it all off again. Like In 2015, I lost my 2nd brother at the same time as trying to deal with where my sons would live after our home flooded again. Fema.kept half of my equity to tear down our home where we shared 19 years of our family memories. I couldn’t even drive near the empty lot it once stood for approx a couple of years. And the losses continued at that rate of 3-4 major losses a year. It felt so huge and I spent a lot of energy not allowing myself to even think about how much it hurt. And, as I wrote about on other forums here, there would be more trauma and loss that I still can’t face. I’m still hiding from it because it only feels bigger. And much more overwhelming. I have no friends left, and the physical and mental pain are too much to hold back and are causing other problems. Now with each loss or trauma, like when I was severely attacked, I lose more hope than I can spare. I feel a wave of sadness wash through me so often now. Even physically it has affected me uncontrolled high blood pressure, a heart attack, mini stroke, and my hair has started falling out this year. I still constantly fear what is going to happen next. My sister is very sick with Covid right now. I’m reaching out again praying for a way out!!

I’m not sure if you know much about pwborderline personality disorder, but as I was reading over the article u posted, it talked about the pain of feeling the emotions. And avoiding anything that may trigger those emotions. As I got older I learned to hide my feelings better, but I always seemed to feel things more intensely than those around me. Maybe pwbpd are more likely to get complicated grief because they feel things much more intensely than pw out bpd. The feelings around losing a loved one hurts enough without it being felt to a more intense degree.. Bpd may also be a contributor in having complicated grief because we already have an increased fear of abandonment. It may be applicable even if it’s not a purposeful abandonment. Also, in the article u published, i recognized in me what u wrote about how keeping busy can help the grieving mind distract itself from the loss. But it is not supposed to be a substitute for the grief we need to feel. Then it is no longer a healthy to cope. As u stated, pain will find a way out. I am really guilty hiding from pain. At times I even feel guilty if I am never thinking of my brothers because it is too painful. So then I have to stay even busier. It will only then show itself in an unexplained burst of anger or tears for seemingly no reason at all. It will find a way out!! I can usually feel the build up of pain as it’s growing inside of me. Almost as if it is physical in form. I really dislike it as it explodes into anger because that isn’t a feeling I want to associate with remembering someone I love and miss. It seems to me that borderline personality is a big ingredient to what can become complicated grief.

It can also cause us more pain. It has made group settings too hard to sit thru. But most of the time, I do welcome it because I’ve always believed the purpose of that gift was to help share pain so they don’t hurt as bad.

I’m sorry for all u have struggled with in your lifetime. You will be with God one day. I hope im there to witness as you are rewarded the joy and peace you have deserved for so long. Beside your mom and husband etc. What a beautiful soul you have. With ur wisdom, you are blessed with exactly the combination that we all are lucky to learn, experience and grow from... The positive that comes out of being a pwborderline personality is that I’m gifted with being an empath. This gift was called different things as I grew up. But I can feel others emotions, and sometimes even a change in that emotion before they consciously feel it. So many curses of having bpd, but I do love that gift. I love to help others. I’m amazed at how dedicated u are to that job!!!

ECT is electroshock therapy. I have tried to play but I get aggravated cause I can’t play with both hands now. I was trying to learn ‘I can only imagine’ and I only got about 1/4 way thru, but I already forgot it. I’m on disability and I tried, with several doctors and agency’s help, to find a therapist for 3 years, and the one I ‘see’ now was one of the last that trickled in. My sons are living in my older brothers house. My inheritance. But I know it’s going to crush them. I am only worse and soon they won’t remember how I was before. Thank you for ur kind comments, but I am a burden. I also hurt too bad. In every way. I never feel even ok, anymore. I am putting it off. I’m scared, too because of the horrible pain from attempt in October.

The last wave of loss I had started on 2015 when I lost my second brother and then my home. Even the next home, the next year, both to flooding. 3 more friends passed away leaving me one. Both of my dogs to old age. Then I had to close my business because of my health. It is terminal, but in my jobs I used chemicals that was making it worse, faster. I actually wrote on this site in 2019, after it all broke me in 2018. I would either feel nothing or all the pain at once. Then guilty for not being able to acknowledge any one of them. I looked for help, but who I did find willing to treat me, lasted only around 4-6 months. Even the grief center refused to treat me. I had moved in with the only friend I had left and helped with her dad who had dementia. I was barely holding on when I was severely attacked this year. They destroyed my car, phone and everything I had with me. I made it to a house for help but only the female was charged. What the male did I was unable to tell the officers or the hospital staff. I had blow out fractures to left eye and face and a bad concussion from dozens of kicks to my head and face. I was too injured to help with her dad and in others care, he died. They made a horrible mistake with his care that cost his life. My depression and her losing her dad changed things and a week after that attack, my friend of 33 years took it out on me. Devastated I almost succeeded in taking my life. She kicked me out. I made another attempt. This time my family found out and my adult sons were told I probably wouldn’t survive. So to say their good byes if I didn’t make it. It was only medication and 11 or 12 iv’s keeping me alive. Over 50 high blood pressure pills in my system, there was even a med to give me a blood pressure. Tho unconscious, I heard my sons crying. The mom in me took over. The priest was giving me last rites. In my mind, I turned around. I had to live for them. It took a few days, but after the 4 th day, I was told I would live. I was alone. The family that came that first day, I haven’t seen since. Not in icu or at home. I am staying with my sons but the pain is still with them. I fought to live for them only to realize I had no reason to live for myself. I lost what I was holding on to. Even my last living friend. The therapist I was seeing has not shown up for last 12 of 14 visits. I lost the 3 customers I had kept when closing my business. I can’t even financially survive now. My health has made starting over impossible. Im losing the fight to live for my sons. Even the crisis lines have turned me away. I guess there is a limit to how long a crisis can last. I am scared of what’s next. I’m afraid to try to regain anything because I will lose it too. My complicated grief is much worse if there is even a name for how bad I am feeling now. When there’s no hope, what do I do? I’m thinking that there’s nothing I can do. That I’m just a burden.

Sometimes I’m afraid to say the wrong thing and add to anyone’s pain, but I wanted to ask you how you acquired something I admire about you. It confuses me, but I know it’s real. I feel your strength and self awareness. In ur words and thru ur advice. But after all that you went thru, you finally were blessed to know true happiness. Then, that knowledge that true happiness enlightened and strengthened you with, also filled you with insight. What a gift, when you add it to the empathy only those with unfortunate life experiences can feel deeply. Familiar, sadly because you lived it. Not just survived it; but you found a way to thrive!! I feel almost an obligation to, at minimum, try what you suggest. I feel a respect that far exceeds what a degree could have earned you. Before anyone could teach it, someone had to experience it, I think?! And would follow in the survivors footsteps if they were in the same situation. I would love to understand what you went through after you lost your husband. My heart aches for you. And My brother was 51 when we lost him. But far from suddenly. Tho it does still hurt if I think of him long at all. Did you go through your grief with more difficulty? Did you get stuck in anger? I could see me being stuck there. I guess like I am stuck now.. But I haven’t been close to being happy yet. I always feel like I need to be on guard, cause if I ever truly feel it , it will be much worse when it is taken away. I just think it’s easier if I don’t know what it feels like. I can’t miss what I never had. Logic? Cowardice? Self preservation? Self destruct? I think I would go with cowardice. I don’t know what point it is that makes me think it is ok to take my life. Why I fail to think of my sons pain? Was it hard for you to accept the gift of him in ur life? Were u afraid that if u did , you could lose that too? If u weren’t afraid, did u ever regret not having that fear? I feel so guilty for the few times I didn’t think of anything but it being over!! Never thought about the pain I would cause my poor sons. So I created another trick. I make myself think about my sons pain everytime I think of dying. 20 times a day min. Now It’s more automatic. So next, I need to want to exist. To even just feel it a little bit. Can’t come up w idea yet... I did also use a trick that made my first memory better. But so far, it’s the only memory I made better using it. Now my first memory at 3 years old has a mixture of things I love all around me. Only one bad person is in there. The good far outweighs the bad. It seems to have helped. Shoot, I’m going to be so screwed up from having to figure it out alone, but luckily I get advice from people that pop in and out my life..... like you. Thank you for ur kindness. To just be heard is a huge gift to me!!! There is worse than being alone. It is being around others and still being very lonely and alone. There are people that miss me. That I make laugh. But it’s not the real me they meet anyway. But it sure is much better than this. Why is it like that here? Her mom is next door in my friends place while my friend moved into her dads to help him be lazier. I stay here and I do plenty to help considering the circumstances. It’s almost 24/7 every week. If I had my brothers or friends even, I would leave here at times. But theres no place to go. Why am I treated like an outcast? It’s odd. Like they say enough just to confuse me. To keep me from leaving while still keeping me nervous about a steady place to stay. They know I’m stuck and it’s used against me I believe. I’m sorry this was so long. I am truly overwhelmed!!! But if I stay in this life then I need to do it for me too. Or I’ll fail. There’s the pause. I have unsettling symptoms now. It’s like the bottom dropped out of the bottom... if there are no ways to get out of this mess, I don’t want to drag it out so long. It’s painful mentally, spiritually , and physically. Ur in my prayers. Always!! I sure hope I didn’t just make it more confusing.