Jump to content

MTNSIDE

Contributor
  • Content Count

    15
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About MTNSIDE

  • Rank
    Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Sister to 2. And friend to 3
  • Date of Death
    2009.2013,2015,2016, 2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Baton Rouge , La

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. I have a dream that began close to a year ago. It’s a little different each time except, my older brother I lost and home flood and few other details are constant. I can change the dreams outcome when I get to a part that I remember is going to be upsetting. I am not sure what to think about that happening.
  2. I have a dream that began close to a year ago. It is different each time, but I can change the parts that I recognize from the prior dreams so that the outcome is better. I wondered if this was even possible. My older brother that passed away and my first home that flooded, are always constant as well as some other details. I have not yet dreamed of younger brother. And he passed away 6 years prior to brother in dreams.
  3. My older brother and I mostly communicated w texts. It started getting harder for him to breathe. He was in last stage of COPD emphysema. The day after he passed away, my phone broke ;(. I’ll never be able to read our many talks again. They tried hard to repair my phone. I never had a phone break!!! It picked now?!! Well, It just happened again. Yesterday, all the conversations I had with a site that has helped me and encouraged me for 2 years, were accidentally erased by me. I would go back and read some of the conversations when I was lonely or having suicidal thoughts. Which is often... Or to read a prayer they would write for me at end of every chat. It was a major lifeline I severely needed and couldn’t have been erased from me at a worse time. I cried and am still upset. I think the worst part of it is the validation I feel again that things are not going to get better, only worse. Too much is broken, and I’m tired of living with the fear of what is next!!! 😕
  4. I never realized how much I do feel was my fault. But you are so right!!! I did blame myself, but after ur reply and really thinking on it now, I would never think any other 3 year old could control that. Be responsible for that. Wow. I’m glad u noticed because it feels a little lighter now. I feel better in several ways!! There were a few things I thought were my fault. They could not have been tho. Thank you ... really so much !!! ❤️
  5. I have an ability to adjust parts of my personality to help me be a better person/ mom. I didn’t want to be shy anymore, and I can now talk to anyone. I was so quick to anger but modified my reactions to come out more calm. Or I take it out on myself... I was timid and nervous from dodging and hiding from my dad all of the time. A constant fear started Inside of me when I was only 3 because that’s when I knew my dad was doing things I was not allowed to let him do to me. When I watched our home movies, at 1-2 years, I am very shy but brigheyed and happy. By age 4 I walked into the room obviously very different. Scared eyes all over the place and I was constantly wringing my hands. So nervous. Sad eyes. I guess after a year of knowing it was wrong when I was 3, yet was daily getting molested or trying to hide so he couldn’t molest me....Caused the nervousness. May first thoughts of dying were Age 4-5. Pleading God to take me. I mean begging. I know I was given worry stones when I was 7-8 years old and up. I recently recalled what happened after reading what my dad asked me to in RV. What he had wanted to do me. That night I don’t know but I wonder what did my mama see that made her treat my dad bad For the first time ever?? Why did she beg my mom on phone to let us stay w her. She didn’t want to let me go. My mom made that 2 weeks a lie. My little brother is no longer here to back me up. My mom says we stayed at my mamas the entire time. OmG!!! That hurts. She got jealous about my dad and ME. Ewww. Well my memory recalled it only 4 months ago. While on ptsd nightmare med. I couldn’t sleep for the next 6 nights. My friend ,her dad ,and cousin( funny guy) heard me doing stand up comedy in bathroom for over 2 hours.. I saw audience in the tri mirrors with a drummer to bring the joke home!! I was having a blast. Being awake 6 nights and acquiring me a little something for the buzz..... felt unreal cause it usually is for me.. I wish I could feel good again. Well tne dream involved me reading same book. Then I was back at our home In Alabama. Just me and my dad. This is real I always wondered about.... first I am facing shower wall n master bathroom. Water on. Next thing I was lying along side my dad, I wasn’t dried but my pajamas were on and hair was wet but not washed or combed:(... 40 years of those few pieces memory... but 4 months ago, my life went from me being suicidal often, to not wanting anything more than sending that memory into oblivion!! I didn’t need that. It’s was really bad enough. I lost a nephew I raised when buddies thought how funny to shoot a drunk up w herion. Cause he was scared of needles. He died. After being on support 11 days. One needle mark on his arm:(. My sweet self proclaimed HoBo!!! He lived with homeless jumping trains to every state. He did all but Hawaii, Alaska and Maine. He would show up every couple months for his care package I’d make for his trip. His fav was maple brown sugar oatmeal. So young only 20. My Sweet baby, Dustin. He never doubted my love. Sadly he did doubt his mothers.. Now, back to how I can not live with this memory!!! It is so real and I always thought I stood up and stayed away!!! That I kept him from taking what no father should take. No body should take it away from any lady. It kills part of her soul... I don’t want My sons to have more loss. . I raised them 90 % alone .... I know why I can’t take showers now. But it has to go. It’s real. It just happened to me really. I can barely even visit my parents. It made so much no longer special. I’ll always know he took away my innocence, the person I was going to be, He made me feel such a severe major depression. Unstable about myself and who I am. Why I can feel Only so much for anyone. Why I ache with sorrow I can picked up by only walking by someone Who feels it. It was called different things in my late teens & early 20’s. Empath Victim Soul Martyr .... but I know what others feel. And if mood changes, I feel that too. I have actually felt others over internet. No visual. It’s the least gift I should receive. Next , I need this almost weekly Shower sex to leave. I’ll do ECT if it’ll work. I was suggested EMDR Before pandemic. Now I will try it. I could live with all but not this. It was not his to steal from me!!!! I had forgiven him. But he thinks that is forgiven too. He couldn’t know I lost that memory. Thinks he was forgiven. I need help on this one cause it brings me closer to ending it than I have since 2018. It is the only thing that really messed me up too much!!! Pray for it to go back to hell!!! Only place for that type interaction!!! 🥵🥺😴
  6. How sweet of u to look for me. This is the sweetest site I’ve tried. Inspire is good one too. But this is better fitted cause the amount of grief. I will check it out!!! Thank u . Really. 2 years of nothing. Hopelessness. I’m on the brink. I came in time it seems. God Bless you (((((hugs))))))
  7. My last friend passed away right before Christmas in 2017. He was also friends with my older brother I had just lost in 2015. That made him even more special cause we shared that loss. I was just arriving for another visit, and after about 5 minutes, as he unlocked his “man cave” I thot he just dropped the keys and was reaching to the ground to pick them up. But quickly realized when his glasses fell off that something was wrong, and I raised his head and saw he was not breathing. Even his tongue was out. He was on a scooter. I yelled for his wife, who was there after a few minutes w a tube of glucose I guess and I could tell she was really not trying to help him. I went to dial 911 and she pulled my phone away. I was saying he has no heartbeat now and she was tapping his chest calling his name!!! She wouldn’t help me move him to the ground for cpr.... When I tried to call 911 again she pulled my phone and said that he was ready to die. I finally jerked It away and called for help. I guess she wanted to be sure he was gone. I was numb. I felt like I failed him. I called the friends we shared And 15 minutes later the paramedics arrived. 5 more minutes had him on ground to try and revive him. 25 min already has passed without any sign of life. The protest from his wife and daughter who was running up driveway and yelling to paramedics to not revive her daddy!!! But without DNR papers, they started cpr. And shocking his heart. I noticed they were showing others on their team how to use the machine etc. He was just talking to me and now was lying in the chilly dark on the cold cement while they worked over 45 minutes on him. Now gone 70 minutes!!! Enough !!! They ruptured his esophagus by letting what seemed to be a trainee Intubate my friend. The blood was everywhere. They were using him now to teach the others. I couldn’t comprehend it all. I was even pleading for them to stop at that point. I had to wait to speak to a detective and the coroner since I was the only one with him when he died. I was there another hour. I left out how his wife had behaved. And how she delayed my calling for help. Sadly, during resuscitation attempts, I heard her say to someone that she was tired of taking care of him. A man who worked hard and provided his family a very nice home. My friend I knew 36 years. And Who I loved to visit. And do whatever people do with a little help from our friends:).. She was tired of him? I lost the little respect I had for her. I was never able to go there or Even look at his home when passing it. I can still see how the blood appeared to come out his eyes. It was the result of his head being tilted back when esophagus ruptured. When his head was back down it looked like blood came out his eyes. I was glad that I was there for him... I held his head right away. I prayed. I cared. I wanted him back. My last link to my brother and all our fun times together was gone too? Really? That suddenly? Just 3 years prior, my brothers best friend and my ex boyfriend, who, after our break up, remained my close friend too. We 3 were concert groupies/beach bums festival/Mardi Gras anything goers who rarely left New Orleans without visiting the NOLA jail first, to pick up Bobby. He got kicked out of P. McCartney, Pink Floyd and even a Rush concert that the drummer invited me to go to their after party! Cool but I was relieved to have excuse to say no cause we had to find Bobby ‘Axel Rose’ who claimed he wrote Sweet child o mine for me!!! Lol. In 2013, this father of 3, died of a self inflicted shotgun wound to his head after he crushed his hands and our dear friend since 1987 and talented mechanic was in more pain than we understood. Goodbye my brothers Darryl and Tim and our dear friends Bobby and Kent. And my dearest friend Cecilia.
  8. That makes me sad tho I've heard it often. I had an attempted abduction when my children were young still and excluding a couple other incidents, I was raped last July but never told anyone. Well I guess with everyone now gone, I had my one friend still living to tell, but she would blame me for it. I froze. I always freeze and feel I have no right to say no tho logically, I know better. But to think they can sense im a victim is upsetting to me. Makes me feel like I’ll always be victimized cause. As a child it was my dad 100 times +.... and others maybe a few times each. As adult my counselor knew I was victim but the others didn’t but still know cause of how I am? Or act? That makes me want to hide even longer!!
  9. I’ve had my share of perverts for 5 lifetimes. Shoot even my dad still looks at me uncomfortably. They never change. It should stay on their record their whole career. And Our school counselor? I blamed myself so long for my friends suicide. Our religion teacher blamed me too. I admitted about the pact and me changing my mind. I didn’t mention what Mrs. McDaniels did or even knew about it.. but it was the counselors unforgivable negligence that resulted in a 17 year olds death!!
  10. Well why didn’t the marriage counselor I reported and had a hearing show any complaints against him when I looked? Is maybe the fact of 25 years ago matter? It shouldn’t in a sex assault complaint
  11. Well I first want to say thank you to both Kieron and Kayc. I thought it had to be something about me that got these bad results.. the odds that 3 of only 3 therapists I saw, all being unprofessional in my treatment, just didn’t seem possible. In addition to all the rejections to treat me?? I have read too much about pwbpd ruining others lives. Therapists talk In Quora about how they wouldn’t consider treating pwbpd. So it had to be because I’m the defective one. Maybe they all went to the same university? Because there is a counselor im going to share about that make 2 of the 3 therapist look great. The other is a nasty pervert for life!!!! ((((I did report that marriage counselor to the board, had a hearing, but the lawyer I was assigned never would say what proved he did it . He contradicted his first explanation to the Dr he worked under saying that he needed to comfort me w a hug I was so upset —-that I really blew out of proportion. Well his notes that day said what good spirits I was in. No mention of that hug an upset me had needed!!! Well I didn’t misread his lips and hands all over me. But they couldn’t understand why I didn’t tell an older couple in the waiting room. The staff was all gone by then. I froze and they didn’t get that. Vomited by my car even. Told husband when I got home. He knew I was abused by my own dad and still did that to me! He is practicing in Baton Rouge today. 25 years later!!))) off subject— I have checked w psychology today a few times over last couple years and most of them only took cash/credit. The few who took medicare were not taking new patients and nobody took my secondary insurance. But I will check once more in case of any changes. I never thought I would try again, but after both of your responses, and really great advice and tips, I have a little hope that there are knowledgeable therapist who may care enough to see me this time. Or maybe one who doesn’t know better yet!! Not funny. Is this how it feels like dealing with professionals? They offer advice about the problem u actually went to them for? Even offer a little support and advice to help me come out of hiding? Cause I avoid going anywhere or seeing anyone. My life was already actually more isolated than before the quarantine. I had been praying for the world to slow down. Two years already went by without me. My mom said I prayed too hard when pandemic started. Yeah blame that on me too!! I know I made things worse by pretending none of it happened. It was 11 major losses in 3 years. 2 of those were our dogs but at ages 15 and 17, they were family too, and i even avoided any pain when they died. So now it’s like a big pile of painful thoughts I can almost visualize. I feel it is there. I leave it alone. When any of those things try to enter my thoughts I push it back. That’s my main job now to survive. Don’t think about it. It obviously was a messed up, not well thought out plan but it came at me too fast every few months. And I was already suffering severe depression before any of these happened.. I’m ashamed of myself for never thinking of them; especially my brothers. I am going to try once more, wow, because a couple of people cared enough to not only read about the pain I tried to deny, which i think caused me all the complicated grief im trying to pretend isn’t there, but both took time to reply. I saw only death as the next solution to a pain that is so awful to feel even a part of it. But I felt a step! I’ll take a step in any direction!! It is all so welcomed and needed. Nobody should have to feel so much pain for so long, literally begging to get treated. Only left to figure out how to survive on my own. If I didn’t have my sons, I wouldn’t have been writing about the life that was taken away so quickly. I think how sad that one of my sons would be writing about their mom they shouldn’t have lost. I was always a fighter. I held onto any small hope I had to and pushed on. Through a few traumas and many losses throughout my entire adulthood. After a childhood, well, it was enough to have a borderline personality and cptsd. Cause it started when I was 2. My first suicidal thots, more like begging God to take me, came when I was 4-5. I know my age because my little brother was being potty trained. Tho besides one attempt at 17, . Off subj ——about the school counselor I said I would tell about ((((and just months later after that attempt, a friend asked me to do it with her but I chickened out.... she succeeded. She was at school having taken her 75 pills that next morning. I wouldn’t take mine.. but I took her to our guidance counselors office who, I’m only so sad to say, only had her sister pick her up. She was obviously drugged up bad too. Like why not a hospital??? well Back at her home she took “my” 75 also, and died 2 days later. Moaning that she wanted someone to stop here. It wasn’t until several years passed that I realized how the counselor failed that poor girl. It was a parochial school. That counselor didn’t let me out her site during the few days for the funeral. I lived w that guilt for so long but as an adult realized I did the right thing. The Guidance counselor failed her so bad:(((..—- )))))). I’m scared and nervous and have no expectations. But I’ll try the things suggested by Kieron and Kayc. Thank u. Sometimes a person needs only one person to care a little and I got 2!!! And seemed to both care a lot. I hope I have good news next post!!!
  12. I reflected on both of your posts. You had a lot of info on grief. It’s hard to explain what I do not understand. I’ve been in this hole for over 2 years. A sex assault center here found me a therapist who said he specializes in grief and trauma and bpd. They thought of me, and I saw him for almost 4 months. I was always discouraged from talking about any of my losses when I would try to force myself to talk about one. I really wanted help. Well he quit on me. On voicemail after ending my last appt w him 35 min early... I had told him he wasn’t helping me much during a phone call days before and he reacted strongly. Saying how I seemed like I was doing so good. So much better... I was almost always in an ok mood when I got to where he practiced. I was already isolating myself over a year by then so just going somewhere made my mood different. I automatically hide how I feel without meaning to. I don’t know how to make myself continue to think of any loss cause my mind distracts to something else or I kind of zone out. Besides I was a little nervous with a male therapist because of a marriage counselor being inappropriate w me many years before. Another therapist who was in his mid 70’s spent our time talking about his adventures and playing Pink Floyd. I let that go on for 3 months. The rest turned me away. Mostly because of borderline personality. I can’t afford one outside my insurance thanx to my disabilities now. It all feels like it’s in a pile in my head and I don’t know how to separate it. I also know what happens when I start feeling too much of it. I can’t turn it off... I survived a few attempts when that would happen. Even I couldn’t help but think God had a hand In my surviving each time. The hospitals were also unable to release me to a therapist for the same reasons. There is nobody left that I, or anyone helping me, have not asked. The search ended with The Grief Centers denial. I take it hour by hour. I fight so my sons don’t have another loss. I know chances are I’m going to lose this fight. I didn’t mean for it to pile up like it did, but it was all so close together and I was scared of the pain. I tried till I just can’t seem to anymore. Thank you for the information. It helps to be reminded that I’m not alone. God Bless You, both!!!
  13. When the grief center wouldn’t treat me after 2nd visit, I can never put in words how deflated I felt. I had many therapist not treat me cause of borderline personality and past serious attempts. I begged them to help. I’m terminal with what I lost one brother from and honestly, I look forward to leaving this world. It’s never shown much mercy but was heavy on the pain. I’m tired and mostly of asking another therapist to help me. I’ve heard no enough for 2 lifetimes. But they want me to believe in anything getting better. It can’t. The one friend still living has caused more pain....so when is it ok to finally beg for an end to the pain. Physical is horrible but I’d take 10 times that over this mental anguish . Thank you for understanding and responding, Kieran, and my heart is with u both thru ur pain. Thank u for the info also kayc. I was not expecting anyone to respond. It’s nice to know someone heard me. Thank you and many blessings to u all!! ❤️
  14. In just a few years I lost both of my brothers and 3 of my remaining 4 friends. I loss my home to disaster and my business to a terminal illness I found out about in 2016. I was told I have complicated grief and the grief center turned me away for treatment cause I suffer from borderline personality and it’s hard to go on. I am only able to distract my thoughts from the pain if these losses. And survive by knowing that is also my choice. It is so much harder lately. I didn’t think my depression could be more severe. My heart goes out to people who suffer losses. I try not to get angry but it’s hard cause there’s not enough left to have any hope.
×
×
  • Create New...