Lost my childhood cat pt 2

[amboehlen]

Hi again,

I think I'm going to use this site as a way of journaling my grief I hope you don't mind...

It's day two after losing my kitty that I had for 21 years. Yesterday all I did was sit on the couch and cry. I wandered around the apartment aimlessly, it felt like I was looking desperately for my cat even though I knew he wasn't there. I kind of stared at the place his bed was. I stared at my desk chair that he would jump into not 30 seconds after I had gotten up. I guess I'm just trying to process that he's really not there. I still feel him. I still see him. I still hear him (he was a very vocal cat). My brain is just not accepting that he's gone. Not just out of the apartment, but gone forever. It doesn't feel real. None of this feels real.

Today was a little better in the morning, I spent some time out of the apartment with my husband and best friend. I felt fine until we got home and my cat wasn't there. We always went to wake him up when we got home, and today was the first time we weren't able to do that. I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I don't feel whole. I miss him so much. He was the best cat we could have ever asked for. I wish I had held him a little longer.

I'm haunted by seeing him leave us. He had a stroke or seizure, or an aneurysm, we're not sure. We rushed him to the hospital, they sedated him, and when I held him while they euthanized him, he was not my cat. He didn't recognize us, he didn't make any noise, he didn't return our gaze. And that breaks my heart. I didn't get to say goodbye to my baby. I got to say goodbye to his body, but I never got to say goodbye to my baby. Everything happened so quickly and he was gone so suddenly.

I don't really have a point to this story, I'm just getting all my feelings out. My heart is shattered and I just wish there was more I could have done for my Westley. My baby, my Loafus, my old man, my punk ass baby cat, my baby boy. I just don't know how to go on. I don't know how to live life without such a big part missing.

[kayc]

15 hours ago, amboehlen said:

I think I'm going to use this site as a way of journaling my grief I hope you don't mind...

Of course we don't mind!  I did this when my Arlie was going through cancer, and even my thoughts/feelings afterwards.  Grief has a beginning, but not an ending, but it does evolve...thankfully we adjust some eventually, I don't think we could handle day one over and over the rest of our lives!

[amboehlen]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

Of course we don't mind!  I did this when my Arlie was going through cancer, and even my thoughts/feelings afterwards.  Grief has a beginning, but not an ending, but it does evolve...thankfully we adjust some eventually, I don't think we could handle day one over and over the rest of our lives!

Thank you KayC, I really appreciate the support! Your words are very comforting