Complicated Grief for those with borderline personality

[MTNSIDE]

The last wave of loss I had started on 2015 when I lost my second brother and then my home. Even the next home, the next year, both to flooding. 3 more friends passed away leaving me one. Both of my dogs to old age. Then I had to close my business because of my health. It is terminal, but in my jobs I used chemicals that was making it worse, faster. I actually wrote on this site in 2019, after it all broke me in 2018.   I would either feel nothing or all the pain at once. Then guilty for not being able to acknowledge any one of them. I looked for help, but who I did find willing to treat me, lasted only around 4-6 months.  Even the grief center refused to treat me. I had moved in with the only friend I had left and helped with her dad who had dementia. I was barely holding on when I was severely attacked this year.  They destroyed my car, phone and everything I had with me. I made it to a house for help but only the female was charged. What the male did I was unable to tell the officers or the hospital staff.  I had blow out fractures to left eye and face and a bad concussion from dozens of kicks to my head and face.  I was too injured to help with her dad and in others care, he died. They made a horrible mistake with his care that cost his life.  My depression and her losing her dad changed things and a week after that attack, my friend of 33 years took it out on me. Devastated I almost succeeded in taking my life. She kicked me out. I made another attempt. This time my family found out and my adult sons were told I probably wouldn’t survive. So to say their good byes if I didn’t make it. It was only medication and 11 or 12 iv’s keeping me alive. Over 50 high blood pressure pills in my system, there was even a med to give me a blood pressure. Tho unconscious, I heard my sons crying. The mom in me took over. The priest was giving me last rites. In my mind, I turned around. I had to live for them. It took a few days, but after the 4 th day, I was told I would live. I was alone. The family that came that first day, I haven’t seen since. Not in icu or at home. I am staying with my sons but the pain is still with them. I fought to live for them only to realize I had no reason to live for myself. I lost what I was holding on to. Even my last  living friend. The therapist I was seeing has not shown up for last 12 of 14 visits. I lost the 3 customers I had kept when closing my business. I can’t even financially survive now. My health has made starting over impossible. Im losing the fight to live for my sons.  Even the crisis lines have turned me away.  I guess there is a limit to how long a crisis can last. I am scared of what’s next. I’m afraid to try to regain anything because I will lose it too. My complicated grief  is much worse if there is even a name for how bad I am feeling now. When there’s no hope, what do I do? I’m thinking that there’s nothing I can do. That I’m just a burden. 

[kayc]

Oh MTNSIDE, your story cuts through to my heart, I am beyond sorry that one person can suffer so much.  It seems to me you should be on disability!  And that a therapist would just stop showing up?!  I do not understand how they could just leave you hanging.  They  may not have known how to help you, if not, for gosh sake, refer you to someone who can!  Have you contacted services through your county?  Seen doctors for referrals for mental help?  We usually need that for help filing disability.

You are NOT "just a burden!"  I understand how you'd feel that way, but your sons must feel otherwise if they took you in.  I do not see my kids much, they're busy, live elsewhere, but I know it would kill them to lose me.  There is comfort to them just knowing I'm "here."  Even if they don't call much.  I know they love me.  I try to remember what it was like at their age, of course their circumstance are unique to them and differ from mine back then.  But I also know people don't always express verbally what they feel inside.

I am so sorry that you received such memory loss as to take away your ability to play...have you tried learning again, from scratch?  It could be you'd have to retrain your brain, much like a stroke victim has to.    What is ECTS?

[MTNSIDE]

54 minutes ago, kayc said:

Oh MTNSIDE, your story cuts through to my heart, I am beyond sorry that one person can suffer so much.  It seems to me you should be on disability!  And that a therapist would just stop showing up?!  I do not understand how they could just leave you hanging.  They  may not have known how to help you, if not, for gosh sake, refer you to someone who can!  Have you contacted services through your county?  Seen doctors for referrals for mental help?  We usually need that for help filing disability.

You are NOT "just a burden!"  I understand how you'd feel that way, but your sons must feel otherwise if they took you in.  I do not see my kids much, they're busy, live elsewhere, but I know it would kill them to lose me.  There is comfort to them just knowing I'm "here."  Even if they don't call much.  I know they love me.  I try to remember what it was like at their age, of course their circumstance are unique to them and differ from mine back then.  But I also know people don't always express verbally what they feel inside.

I am so sorry that you received such memory loss as to take away your ability to play...have you tried learning again, from scratch?  It could be you'd have to retrain your brain, much like a stroke victim has to.    What is ECTS?

ECT is electroshock therapy.  I have tried to play but I get aggravated cause I can’t play with both hands now. I was trying to learn ‘I can only imagine’ and I only got about 1/4 way thru, but I already forgot it.  I’m on disability and I tried, with several doctors and agency’s help, to find a therapist for 3 years, and the one I ‘see’ now was one of the last that trickled in. My sons are living in my older brothers house. My inheritance. But I know it’s going to crush them. I  am only worse and soon they won’t remember how I was before. Thank you for ur kind comments, but I am a burden. I also hurt too bad. In every way. I never feel even ok, anymore. I am putting it off. I’m scared, too because of the horrible pain from attempt in October.  

[kayc]

My heart goes out to you.  YOU are not a burden but I know I can't talk you out of your feelings, just remember it's only YOUR perspective and I'm sure that's not how your sons view you.  You are their mom, and so worthwhile because of it.  My mom got dementia real bad & the court ordered an evaluation, which led to them saying she needed to be in 24/7 lockdown dementia care facility, I went to see her regularly even though it was 2 hours away, she forgot how to talk on the phone.  I took her out to eat until they said she could no longer leave w/o two people to handle her, I'm just me, one.  I loved her then and I love her still, nearly 6 1/2 years later.  We never thought of her as a burden.  And she wasn't even a good mom!  She had severe mental issues, was difficult to get along with, abusive to us growing up (emotionally, verbally, and physically) and tried controlling us as adults.  When it wouldn't work she'd cut us out of her life for a year or so.  I understood she wasn't "right" and forgave her but it was still hard...I know the next time I see her, she will be made right, like she never was in this lifetime, and I'm glad for her and look forward to being with her again when it's my time.

I am so sorry for your pain.  I live with extreme pain in my hands, probably shouldn't type but this is my connection to other people, otherwise, alone.  Praying something brightens your day today.

[MTNSIDE]

18 minutes ago, kayc said:

  My mom got dementia real bad & the court ordered an evaluation, which led to them saying she needed to be in 24/7 lockdown dementia care facility

I’m sorry for all u have struggled with in your lifetime. You will be with God one day. I hope im there to witness as you are rewarded the joy and peace you have deserved for so long.  Beside your mom and husband etc. What a beautiful soul you have. With ur wisdom, you are blessed with exactly the combination that we all are lucky to learn, experience and grow from...   The positive that comes out of being a pwborderline personality is that I’m gifted with being an empath. This gift was called different things as I grew up. But I can feel others emotions, and sometimes even a change in that emotion before they consciously feel it.  So many curses of having bpd, but I do love that gift. I love to help others. I’m amazed at how dedicated u are to that job!!! 

[kayc]

23 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

I can feel others emotions

I can too.  And it's a good thing to have, we need more of it in this world!  

[MTNSIDE]

On 12/26/2020 at 8:38 AM, kayc said:

I can too.  And it's a good thing to have, we need more of it in this world!  

It can also cause us more pain. It has made group settings too hard to sit thru. But most of the time, I do welcome it because I’ve always believed the purpose of that gift was to help share pain so they don’t hurt as bad. 

[kayc]

Reminds me of this:  (God) who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.2 Corinthians 1:4  

I look at the things we go through as a way to learn from them.  The way I see it, you and I have been through a LOT and have great capacity by which we can relate to others and know how they feel.