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Question for Marty


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Recently I read something about finding a balance in one's mind of what was good and what was not so good in a past relationship.  The idea was that remembering only the good can make it harder to come to terms with the loss.  And they used a term for finding this balance.  Marty, are there any articles you could suggest on this topic?

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I'm not sure what you've read about this, Rita, or what specific term you're looking for ~ but it's certainly true that as children we may have been told "not to speak ill of the dead" ~ as if when someone dies we are required to remember only the good things about them, forgetting that, just like us, they were mortal human beings, with all the faults and imperfections that come with being human. Some bereaved spouses go so far as to put their deceased partners on pedestals or canonize them as saints, erasing all that was negative and forgetting whatever was bad or irritating or negative or less than perfect in their relationships with them. When we paint such an unrealistic picture of the one who has died, it's understandable that it can be even harder to go on living fully without that person's continuing physical presence in one's life.  

Here is one article that touches on this topic: Is It Okay to Speak Ill of The Dead? It Can Be

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