Loosing my ex after death

[Kdp1278]

Hi everyone! I’m new here! I have been reading countless stories on here day in and day out and they have been truly comforting, especially in a time where I feel so confused and lost right now. I’m looking for any advice/support during my time of need and thought it was time I was brave enough to share my story. 

 

CONTEXT:

In late April of this year, my ex’s father became terminally ill (it was completely unexpected) and he passed away very suddenly in May. My boyfriend and I only dated for 10 months, but we had a very loving relationship. We always talked about the future - marriage/kids, our careers, where we would live etc. and as naive as it sounds - we promised to love eachother forever. I suffer from abandonment issues from when I was a child which started to spill into our relationship…but my boyfriend did everything he could to be there for me. He even went to counseling with me and we would work out the toughest of issues together despite it cracking the foundation of our relationship. I guess there were times of neediness, which i deeply regret. He also had a very demanding job as well which made it hard for us to spend time together, but i just really loved him and when we were together we were so happy. Not to mention, our physical connection was also just as strong. I was his first love. He always told me that. 

 

We are in our 20s so i know this is especially difficult for people our age to withstand such a tragedy…but i wanted to be there for him in every capacity. When his father was sick, he pulled away a lot. I couldn’t see him because he was in another state taking care of his sick dad, and we would go hours without speaking, sometimes days and it just took an enormous toll on me and it was hard not to take it personal…i would send flowers, gifts baskets, text/call him daily to reach out and offer my support but one day i just cracked and I felt like our relationship was slipping and i voiced that. It was incredibly poor timing because he was grieving and we took a 3 week break from our relationship. 
 

fast forward to June/July and we are together. We got back together after i begged him to reconsider but he told me he was a completely different person and i needed fo accept that. I also needed to accept that he was going to be catering to his family and we would be spending much less time together. I agreed, anything to make him happy. I just wanted fo be there.

we got back together…and we would go to therapy together and go on dates (way less frequent given the circumstances) but i cherished every moment. I would sit with him the car and hold his hand while he cried and just hugged him until he felt he was ok. But he still was a bit distant. He wanted to be strong and crying to him was weak.

he eventually Broke up with me for good. And told me he didn’t feel the same that it was something he was feeling before his dads death. He didn’t feel the same for a while and he couldnt promise me a future. He couldn’t give me what i needed. He said he wouldn’t block me and he still had all our pictures saved but it’s not me it’s him. This wa as journey he needed to go through alone and he said he doesn’t know what the future holds. I was crying, a ball of emotions. But i knew i had to accept it all. But i also was angry. This was the second time i had to experience this “breakup.” 

i deleted my ex off socials to help process the inevitable break up. I knew in my heart we weren’t going to last because my ex was tired. It just became so much pressure. It was painful. He followed suit and didn’t answer me when i wanted to talked. Only after i begged and pleaded did he call me…one day later. I don’t know if he would have called and officially broken it off hadn’t i beggared him into answers.

we have been broken up for  2 and a half months. I tried contacting him again a couple of week post break up. A simple message asking how he was doing…ignored. I then wrote him a strongly worded text about all the things he put me through and how much he hurt me (i kinda feel selfish looking back that i did this)..i was blindsided by his treatment and he felt like a completely different person, which he admitted he was. He just became a hard,frantic and cruel person when we tried working things out. I then followed up with an apology because even though he and his family hurt me, i will forever sympathize with their situation and i still have so much love for my ex. He also ignored that message too. So does this mean I’ll never hear from him again? Just like that I’m completely forgotten about? He didn’t block me on social media/ didn’t block my #. My messages in the past just delivered.
 

A couple more weeks have passed, his birthday is coming up next week and it pains me. I wish i could just walk away from the relationship but something holds me back. I don’t know if i should text him or completely go radio silent. I just want to hear from him and have a conversation without any pressure. I know he hasn’t moved on but he seems happy. I get NC is for my own healing. I am going out with friends, found a new job, traveled a little here and there but i just miss him and feel wonder how he’s doing.

i know my story is a long one but how should i move forward? Do i give up on him? Or do i continue to fight and try to reach out again by sending that bday text? I just want this pain to go away because i thought he was the guy i was going to marry. I’m scared I’ll never hear from him again.

please any advice or encouragement will help. Thank you<3

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Kdp1278 said:

I agreed, anything to make him happy.

Desperation often fuels agreeing to anything to make them happy...but truth be known, we must consider ourselves and how realistic this is for us.  You cannot live this way indefinitely, resentment will rear its ugly head.  There is nothing wrong with us having needs we must consider also!

17 hours ago, Kdp1278 said:

i admit, when he was pulling away i knew i was merely buying time.

It does no good to be angry at each of you wanting/feeling different things.  Each must do what is ultimately in your own best interests.  You knew this deep down.

17 hours ago, Kdp1278 said:

I then wrote him a strongly worded text about all the things he put me through and how much he hurt me

This wasn't in anyone's best interest or help.    He can no more help how he feels than you do.  

17 hours ago, Kdp1278 said:

something holds me back.

You haven't accepted that your broken up yet.

17 hours ago, Kdp1278 said:

I get NC is for my own healing.

He's not responsible for your healing, you are.

17 hours ago, Kdp1278 said:

how should i move forward?

Without him.  Block, no contact, leave him alone, don't stalk him on social media, don't inquire about him.  Tell your friends NOT to relay anything about him to you.  This will best aid your healing going forward.  Develop a life without him.  Take classes, join a gym, bird-watching, anything constructive to keep you busy and get you out and around others.  Build a life for yourself.  I've lived alone for 16 years, it can be done.  I have an puppy for company, good neighbors, active in church, walk regularly, it's amazing what being in nature can do for you and also exercise.  I'm constantly learning, that helps engage us in life too.  I realize you're much younger than me and want to have a family, I get that.  However, the more you work on yourself, the more you'll appeal to others and stronger the likelihood of that happening.  Do not go from one relationship to another, give yourself time to heal and learn from your experiences.  Wisdom gleaned the hard way over my lifetime...

17 hours ago, Kdp1278 said:

I feel so invalidated and rejected by his silence.

It's not his place to validate you, you can take this personal as rejection or you can accept that he is in a different place in his life, nothing to do with you, this would have happened likely, regardless of who he was with!  This is about him!  Now you need to make your life about YOU, he's out of it.  It's a process, but it can be done, I've done it. 

Don't hold him to promises made when he was in a different time/place.  

Wouldn't it be better to be with someone (someday) who will go through thick and thin with you, not break up when hard things came along?  

I'm nearly 69.  I may spend the rest of my life alone, or I may find my prince...a friend was 84 when she married the love of her life.  They had an amazing marriage and he stood by her until the day she died...he died not long after.  They gave me hope...whatever God has for me.

I'm very sorry for your pain.  I know it hurts right now.

[Kdp1278]

@kaycI just want to thank you so much for your detailed response. You seem like such a beautiful person, and those around you must be so lucky to know you…your advice and support means a lot to me…as I’m sure MANY others. Sometimes it feels so good to vent and let these things off your chest. It’s especially nice when it’s someone outside your friends and family for a change.

I was so tempted to wish him happy birthday next week, but you’re right. I think deep down i know i have to move on and move forward and continue my life without him. I’m going to take your advice - live and heal for ME. This is a marathon not a sprint…i just keep going. Even if i do miss him. 

I know a lot of people on here at least get to keep contact with their ex or they’ll check in with one another but my relationship just ended so abruptly. It felt like he was ripped away from my life but the truth is, we both have to deal with the loss of the relationship and he ultimately has to deal with the loss of his father and i truly hope he knows I’m here for him If he ever did want to reach out. I carry a lot of guilt that i harbored resentment for the way he broke up with me. But my final text message i wrote to him did state that I will always care about him and I’d always pick up the phone for him.

I’m your opinion, do you think grief can change their feeling for someone? Because when i share my story with others they say “he just doesn’t care” “he moved on” “he never loved you” which can be rather hurtful but i know it’s there tough love approach..i know i can’t seek validation from him…but i can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t seem to miss me or think about me…that he’s probably living his life happier without me…did our relationship meaning nothing if he was able to ignore me and not say one peep in 2 months?

*hugs* always back to you!!!! I feel less alone today. X

 

[kayc]

22 hours ago, Kdp1278 said:

do you think grief can change their feeling for someone?

Absolutely!  My ex told me more than once that "if his mom hadn't died, he thought things would have turned out differently for us."  I'm not so sure.  HOW he handled all of this tells me a LOT about him!  It's not something I'd find acceptable in a mate.  Interestingly, most married couples seem to weather death together while those "going together" or "engaged" may not.  Not everyone who goes through grief responds the same!  Good to keep in mind.  I'd want one of the others, the true blue, stick through thick and thin together, weather the storms together, etc.  He is/was not for me!

I know it hurts like hades right now, it will lessen bit by bit as you begin to adjust.  Give yourself time to heal, work on building your life w/o him, expand your friends/support, keep busy with enjoyable things, give yourself positive affirmations!

(((hugs from one who gets it)))

[Kdp1278]

@kayc

I read your story on other posts and you’re one strong resilient woman!  I had a few questions that popped into my head while reading it and I’d figured now would be the perfect time to ask  .
 

Did you ever ask your ex why he stopped contacting you for so long? I remember reading that you guys cut contact for a couple of months. Did he ever talk about what he was feeling/thinking during that NC period about your relationship? Was he still checking on you through social media? Did he ever admit to missing you/thinking about you? Do you think he ever regretted his decision?

I’d love to hear more from you and whatever you feel comfortable sharing. You must have such great perspective on things now that so much time has passed. Here you are providing such great insight on all our situations 

 

i actually am starting to open myself up to new people and i am trying to date again..i still miss my ex terribly but this too shall pass. I would love to hear from him again, it’s awful he kind of just disappeared without saying a word to me for 2 months. Silence is the worst. I hope he’ll at least one day recognize all that I’ve done for him and reach out in the future when we are both healed. but I can’t hold my breath. I hope things have been well with you!

❤️ 

 

 

[kayc]

I don't think he ever regretted breaking up or he would have tried doing something about it, he didn't.  It was about 2 1/2 months of no contact, and then he gave me mixed messages, said "I love you" then would ghost me a couple of weeks, stuff like that.  I quickly figured to not pay attention to anything he said...in one ear, out the other, it was clear he was a mess and didn't know his own mind.  His brain was all over the place, as grief can do.  He tends to focus on one thing at a time to the exclusion of all other things (Asperger's) but throw grief in the mix, which is all consuming, and it was REALLY that way!  It took him about a year to settle his mom's estate and during that time his focus was on that.  Over the years he has said he thought things would have turned out differently for us if his mom hadn't died.  I think that's a crock, as people DO have people die, especially their parents, at some time or another.  Not everyone breaks up from it, some actually weather the storm.  People are different but clearly he wasn't someone for me.  He is, however, a good friend, we can talk to each other about things, he's funny, and has a good heart, which is why I considered him valuable enough to keep as a friend.  He has had his XW living with him the last few years, he took her in so she wouldn't be homeless but they are now joined at the hip and do everything together.  He is highly intelligent, she has a low IQ but she is very nice, they don't seem like they go together but he recently said, "There is something to be said for spending your life with the same person."  There you have it.

Recently I went through a fire evacuation for a week, he was one person that offered his home to me!  I went to my daughter's, but I appreciated the gesture.

I think he went N/C because he was a coward who didn't like confrontation so he did it by Fed Ex and I never got the courtesy of a goodbye.  However, once done, he was focusing on his mom and perhaps he felt he needed it or he'd cave in?  IDK, it's a moot point to me now.

I'm glad you are dating again, I never did, but then, I'll be 70 next year.  It's been 11 years since the breakup.