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awkward situation


ipswitch

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Many, *many* years ago, I had a boyfriend, my first. We were together for three dysfunctional years. I met and socialized with many of his friends. We broke up (finally) and sometime after that, he moved across the country. I recently re-connected via Facebook with one of his frat brothers. "Bob" had mentioned that he'd be willing to forgive former boyfriend "Fred" but couldn't speak for anyone else. Didn't say for what, but obviously there was some major falling-out, and Fred moved across the country "to leave his past behind." 

This month Fred died, and his buddy Bob informed me of the news. In spite of how the relationships ended, Fred's friends have some fond memories of him. My memories are of a man who was unfaithful when we were together and cried to his buddies that I was a heartless person when I tried to move on. I had harbored something of a fantasy that someday Fred would contact me and offer something like an apology. One of his friends wrote, "____, Fred thought the world of you." It certainly wasn't demonstrated in the way he treated me. I've offered the best I could- a sort of bland, "I'm sorry. I know you guys were great friends for many years." But it feels fake, and in my pettiness, I want to say truthfully what he was really like. It's been 35 years, and I can't quite forgive him.

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I'm so sorry this was your history, so glad you didn't marry.  It can feel complex after they die as there's no resolution save what WE come to terms with, we sometimes have to create our own, I know I've been through that.  It doesn't sound like he was worth your lamenting.  I would not "re-color" his friends' view of him, what others think is of no consequence at this point, unless these are friends you choose to have in your life going forward and in that case you might say quite simply there is another side to the story that they're not aware of, but I'd let it go (just me) and move on from it.

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Here's a good article I'd saved in the past, I found it noteworthy:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-our-need-for-closure-_b_5570086

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Ohhh, point #3 is an awesome one. I'm also on a forum for friends/family of alcoholics. People are often left without any sort of explanation other than "it isn't working" or sometimes, just no explanation at all. For what it's worth, I 've suspected that 'closure,' like sobriety, is an inside job. 

The idea that I 'gave someone else my power' and that all I have to do is start using it again is very helpful, indeed.

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Yes, that's what I took from this as well.

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