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About ipswitch

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  • Birthday November 17

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  • Date of Death
    March 14, 2010
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    New England

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  1. Some people don't want to recouple. They shouldn't be forced or even encouraged to. If someone is still so consumed with grief that he or she can't participate in a new love relationship, I guess that's what I'd call active grieving. If "no one can ever measure up" to the deceased spouse (as if one can put humans on a scale like that) then stay single. As a corollary, a man or woman who can't bear that you've had a past, maybe he or she isn't mature or secure enough to be in a serious relationship. That's a problem, but it doesn't have to be YOUR problem. Be careful what you assume. I do
  2. My partner and I must be ..different...somehow. I'm widowed, he's divorced, and neither of us have any problems mentioning our respective spouses. (FWIW Partner's ex-wife died last fall.) The two of them had many happy years together, raising two children. My husband, sadly, was an alcoholic. I loved him but previous to his announcement that he had a terminal illness, I had plans to leave. In a way, I was grieving the loss of the man I married long before he died. Anyway... A's life and love for me (however imperfect) and death, and my new love are, like Nora McInerny explains in a T
  3. One year out is still early on - really. Talking with another widow at the store (a stranger, she was just very outgoing) when I said I'd lost my husband 18 months before, she said, "It gets easier." In Western society, we have abandoned some customs surrounding death - all the better to pretend it doesn't happen at all, I guess. You probably haven't worn a black armband. I didn't spend a year in black clothes, or gray, with a veil over my face. Last time I saw a black armband on anybody, McGovern had lost the presidential election to Nixon. We've lost those rituals, and in addition, soc
  4. Jim, we are all frail, flawed mortals. My husband was an alcoholic. He spent about a quarter of our marriage unemployed owing to his drinking. At one point, he was withdrawing money from his IRA because his unemployment didn't cover all the beer and cigarettes he wanted, which raised our tax bill. (the tax preparer told me, Hubby didn't.) So, imagine getting a few hundred dollars a week, no mortgage (we had paid off the house) no commuting expenses, no deli lunches, no work clothes - and the unemployment check didn't cover his 'entertainment' budget. I was furious, and said some hurtful t
  5. I was married to an alcoholic. I loved the man I married, but he started disappearing long before he died. I posted on a forum for alcoholics about my frustration that my husband never seriously tried to quit drinking. One of the other members responded, "he couldn't." He or she was right - at some point, there isn't free agency any more. It's a compulsion that is beyond control. I think it was that point where something like forgiveness started to develop in me. The same guy who lost three jobs in six years was also the man who cried when he had to bury my cat and rewired t
  6. I have a new sleep aid. It's called an Echo Dot. Alexa has a nifty function: Radio Fun Time. Old radio shows like Suspense and The Whistler and Lux Radio Theater. I find it interesting enough to keep my mind off the news, but not always so engrossing that It keeps me from falling asleep. I had to listen to the last episode this morning to find out what happened to Marlene Dietrich and Clark Gable's romance.
  7. I've been reading your post and the words coming to my head rather consistently were, "Wait, what?" Stepmom adopts children, abuses them, and - he has to go back and be near family? I'd be interested in what Stepmom says about the abuse. I know it certainly happens, and I've also known a couple people who've been convinced by victim advocates that what they experienced was abuse, even when others wouldn't describe it as such. (My colleague remembered getting some ice cream for himself, and sitting down next to Mum while she graded papers. Mum asked him to get her a bowl of ice cream
  8. I think that often, people may not have anything to give during a time of grief, and the romantic relationship they had is the victim. Our friends have lower expectations. Our jobs may be a distraction from the grief. Maturity helps (sometimes). But even with maturity, a lot of long-term relationships and marriages fall apart with the death of a child. I doubt there was anything you could have said or done to make the outcome different. Nora McInerny has a funny and poignant TED talk about losing her husband. I wouldn't equate the loss of a relationship or any other loss to death. B
  9. I'm not sure they do. Both my man-friend and my boss had the same operation (to correct an umbilical hernia) Boss's doctor gave him a 30-day prescription for opiates. I'm trying to remember - the pharmacy at the hospital where I picked up Man-friend's drugs - I think I said, he won't need those, in fact, I know he won't take them. They gave the the line about 'better have them and not need them' but he never did take any. I don't think there were thirty days worth - maybe a week? And - he didn't take any. Boss took four of his and didn't like how they made him feel. I have no beef with the pha
  10. I looked at their other reviews, many of them good ones, but not one mentioning any live-streaming of funeral services. Obviously they were not ready to do this. From what you wrote and reading the review, I'm going to *guess* they used a 'personal' account rather than a 'business' account because this was a new technology they were trying out and didn't want to make a larger financial investment. But taking your money and then saying you needed to negotiate to get it back was beyond the pale. I'd chalk most of this up to incompetence, rather than ill will. I was supposed to participate
  11. I'm sorry for your loss. It probably happened so quickly nothing could have helped. As for your chest compressions, I went through a first aid course, and at the end of teaching us how to do CPR. the instructor said "What you see on TV is very dramatic, but honestly, CPR only saves someone's life about 10% of the time." The ambulance crew got to my house and asked, "Did your husband have a DNR?" Well, no he didn't, but he was terminally ill. It doesn't make any difference. If there's no DNR, they have to do everything they can.
  12. 1) After I had been widowed, I had a FWB relationship for a while. My mind started to wander over to "If only..." on how it would work as a real partnership but it wouldn't have, for a number of reasons. I emailed him one day to tell him just what you've stated: that I wasn't going to give anyone else a fair shot unless I stopped seeing him. 2) I try to adopt the attitude that other people think of me is none of my business. Personally, I might give someone with this chaotic a personality a wide berth. I'm not sure from the sound of things he has what it takes to BE a friend. In fact
  13. Unfortunately, after a couple weeks, other people, who *haven't lost a spouse* feel like going back to normal. It isn't that they don't care about YOU: their loss wasn't like yours. Many people until they lose a life partner to death, don't get it. I'm so sorry for your loss. Keep posting, we'll do what we can. Did your boyfriend have a will? Did you two live together? How long were you together?
  14. On another forum, someone lamented that the lover went through a life change and left the poster. He or she wondered if it was all a lie. Another person replied that it was probably not all a lie, but that, "Some people don't drive the tent stakes in very far."
  15. I had a boyfriend who cheated on me. He made no effort to hide his actions, and told his friends. It was very hurtful. I certainly understand things aren't black and white. Owing to how I had been treated I guess I figured my husband deserved not to be hurt or humiliated by my indiscretions. Some of my friends would have been disappointed. One of them had just found out his partner of two decades had never been faithful, at all. For those who feel it's a deal-breaker, I certainly would have understood if we'd parted ways.
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