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About ipswitch

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday November 17

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  • Date of Death
    March 14, 2010
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  • Location (city, state)
    New England

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  1. It's painful watching someone self-destruct. I tried Al-anon. I never got much out of meetings: it just seemed like so much repetition of trite sayings and slogans. The philosophy worked, just not the meetings. Actually, the philosophy works, even spilled over into other things. I found this forum helpful: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/ Pretty much everyone there is going through the same thing.
  2. I wouldn't change my phone number, but I'd stop responding. I think he's casting about for a booty call. I was in a kind of 'friends with benefits' relationship at one point. I can tell you what someone told me: the person who cares the least about the relationship has the most power. Your sweetie seems to take the path of least resistance: look what he did: maintained a relationship with one of his three exes. With that many exes, did it occur to you that he didn't spend any time between relationships to examine what had gone wrong? Then he got involved with a married woman. (Imagine Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, snidely commenting, "Isn't that convenient?") You had children, a husband, a home of your own, you hadn't filed or discussed separating, so of course you weren't as available as a single woman. It's a perfect situation for a fellow who never drives the tent stakes in very far. He didn't have to be 'all in' because you weren't. You weren't, because you were married. I'm not judging, because I've been where you were - and honestly - my consort at the time said we could never plan a future together because we started out relationship cheating on our partners and trust would always be an issue. I'm not sure your sweetie is ill-intended. If he isn't that, he sounds sort of emotionally lazy. Maybe he has some value as a friend that isn't obvious is your story about him here. Retaining you as a friend would be good for HIS self esteem as he could tell himself he didn't hurt you that badly if you forgave him. You can forgive him (that's good for YOU) but you don't have to continue to engage with him.
  3. I brought my kitty to the vet and we got him past the immediate crisis, but two or three months later he began to decline. We never did find out what was really wrong, but he was clearly uncomfortable, and at his age, (12-14, shelter didn't really know when they placed him with me) poking and prodding and more tests would have only prolonged his discomfort. He'd stopped eating, and there's not much to do after that. The pain med probably was the right course of action, you wouldn't have wanted him to suffer. You and the vet did the best you could. Do you pay attention to the warnings on tv for side effects on human medication? If we believed the worst, we'd never take anything at all.
  4. ipswitch

    New cat

    I've always gotten my pets through the shelter. I never thought a new pet as a replacement. I always thought, "There's no reason for a cat to spend it's life in a shelter, when it could have a home with me. I can't give every cat a home, but I can give one a home."
  5. My husband came close to doing the same thing, and he was in his 40s at the time. What prevented it was his mother and I pretty much leaving him no choice. I have to guess that he was in denial, too. I suspect, in his head, going to see his dad would somehow be 'bad luck', in some convoluted way. None of us are perfect. You were very young, and I suspect your Mom would have made you go if she thought it would have been useful / necessary / expected. Sometimes, too, people go downhill pretty quickly. If she was already exhausted from the effort of your visit, it's possible she was only conscious a small portion of the time.
  6. Oh, local superstore has free service to order 0nline/pick up at store / if you order at least $30. It's a 20-30 minute wait to go into the store, so why not? It's actually pretty slick. I can see people could save a lot of money, being able to look through your pantry and plan instead of standing in the aisle wondering "I didn't put it on the list, do I have coffee?" Unfortunately, scheduling the pickup is troublesome, as I guess they're overwhelmed. Still kind of works, though. I saw a video of people in one of the pools in question. My thought was "Ugh. Human stew."
  7. Mom has helped me greatly during COVID, and she's been gone seven years. I was tasked with sewing cotton masks. Mom had given me numerous cutting mats and rotary cutters over the years, which make the process much easier. Then, somehow, I misplaced my cutters. I remembered I was handed all of Mom's scissors after her apartment was cleaned out - we both sewed and both left-handed. I found the box and inside were MORE rotary cutters, and extra blades. I realized with work to do today, the first thing I had to do was to tidy up the sewing room (Mom would *never* let hers get this disorganized) and there were MY tools, and the voice in my head reminding me if I put things back in the same place every time [sigh] i wouldn't spend so much time looking for them. I'm kind of glad she and Dad didn't have to deal with this, but I still miss her.
  8. I keep my social distance, but wearing a mask makes me feel truly unwell. I had to wear one for a meeting last Friday for an hour. I noticed I wasn't the only one struggling. Colleague across the room kept unhooking one side behind her ear to breathe. I've ordered a face shield, on the recommendation of a cashier in a store who found it preferable to a mask. I don't wear a mask when I go out, which means I am barred from certain stores. I'm really okay with that, because management has a right to run their business as they wish. Plus, I'm not shopping for fun these days, just getting food and occasionally a sack of bark mulch. Living in a sparsely populated state has it's advantages. Pool parties? Good Lord, what are people thinking? COVID and impetigo and herpes and who knows what can be passed around with close contact and horseplay. smh.
  9. "Some just grow up quicker than others. I don't exclude myself from this. I had a lot to learn and I still do." It comes with time and experience. My first marriage ended with my husband's death, but coincidentally, I was making plans to leave him at the time. I still loved him a lot, but living with an alcoholic is hard, and not good for one's mental health. I've met someone else. We live together. There are disagreements and frustrations. There are times when I think, "When will he learn not to slam the door / pick up his clothes / insert annoying habit here?" And then I remind myself that he has cancer - the kind doctors were careful to describe as one that could be 'managed,' not cured or controlled. "Managed" is what they said. And I realize now what never would have occurred to me at your age: There will come a day when I will wish he was here to leave clothes heaped on the blanket chest or slam a door.
  10. It's hard breaking up with people, even when one has a thought in the back one's head that it's for the best, long term. I think, in many cases, we know the end is near, but never pin point, intellectually, why. But in our gut we just know. I think, in many cases, it's not personal. There's a deal-breaker in there, and it may be a while before we see it for what it is. Painting with a broad brush, I suspect many women see potential in *every man they date* even when the deal-breaking items have come to life, and are waving red flags in the distance. So, you were dealing with depression? It's not fun. I have depression, and I'm an acquired taste on a good day. But - darling - his self esteem is just that: his SELF esteem hasn't anything to do with you. Once you get old enough to date seriously, you shouldn't even be blaming that stuff on your Mom/ dad / high school drama coach / kid that bullied you in fifth grade. If one's self esteem is that fragile, start working on that before you get involved in a romantic relationship. He was not playing fair with you on that one.. I saw a video by Nora McInerny about losing her husband to cancer, and finding a new love later. She has something like this to say about love and loss; the life and love of her first husband, and the love she has for her current husband, are not competing forces. They're strands of the same thread. I wouldn't diminish anyone's loss to a death by comparing it to the end of a relationship, but the concept is still true: That relationship you had changed you. It's part of who you are. No matter where you go, who you end up with, you learned things about life, about yourself, in those two years. And it sounds like he was an okay fellow, he's just on a different path. I remember the first guy I really fell for. the timing just stunk. We were both too young. Then I moved, and had another boyfriend. Then he had a girlfriend. After the initial fireworks, we just never seemed to connect as real adults. I lost track of how many wives he had. Very attractive, very charismatic, but in any relationship he had, just never "drove the tent stakes in very far." Just got married again last Christmas.
  11. I don't know how old your Dad was. I do know some people know their time is limited, and don't wish to have a lot of fussing, emotion, and pity at the end. It happened to a woman I know. Her father-in-law had an inoperable brain tumor. He made a decision not to tell his children until he figured he only had a month or so left. Maybe your dad was one of those people, and miscalculated how much time was available for last conversations and amends. Perhaps he was in denial about how sick he was. Sometimes people don't want to face the fact they're going to die. I know a man who was in that situation: his spouse was terminally ill, and refused to talk about it or make any decisions about cremation / no cremation, burial, memorial service - no decisions about anything, because that would mean acknowledging mortality. I know a woman whose dad was in kidney failure. He had a medical issue, went to the hospital, and told his kids that he was through with dialysis. He was reminded that without it, he'd die, but he was tired, and tired of feeling sick. He made his decision, and doctors counseled him to expect the end in about two weeks, maybe a little longer. They figured he'd be more comfortable, at least for the night, in the hospital He was over the immediate crisis, and his admittance into the hospital was listed, "for observation." He went to sleep, and when nurses came in to check on him a few hours later, he had died. Sometimes things like that happen. I'm so sorry, but maybe it will help to consider this wasn't something your father did *to* you.
  12. I think his loss precipitated something that may have happened anyway. Maintaining friendships isn't like maintaining a love relationship, and when push came to shove, he just didn't have anything to give at this point. Maybe better now than five year from now, you're legally committed to one another, and he emotionally bails out of the relationship. Your trust issues are yours to work out. What you're describing though, is not that. If what you described is accurate, I don't think you were being selfish at all. In some ways, the why doesn't matter so much. He has emotionally withdrawn. The two of you are in different places. You are ready, willing and able (it sounds like!) to make a life with someone. He's not.
  13. I've felt sad and lonely in the past. Maybe with the lock down and restrictions and such, I'm just testy. But this year, I'm actually irritated by Mother's Day. Dad died in 2005, and Mom in 2013, so it's not making a lot of sense. This is the first time I actually feel resentful when I see a commercial for anything relating to Mother's Day.
  14. Uhh, yup. think we're getting a UV wand to scan over our keypad, but most credit cards don't require a pin, but I don't work the cash/wrap, so not my problem. Or, wearing gloves. Sorry peeps, but the gloves are no cleaner than your hands would be. The virus doesn't burrow through one's skin. I do get why cashiers would do it, though, and not because cash is dirty: I found my skin really dried and cracked after handling money, really uncomfortably dry and cracked. Now they'd have a good excuse to wear them. But Boss doesn't want to even take cash. I don't know how many sales that will cause us to lose. We do have several really good customers who always pay in cash. My manager, (who I've like up to now) is freaked about contagion, and wanted us to wear masks with each other...which wouldn't be an issue except she has her favorite co-worker living with her and her spouse, so the way she presented this in the last Zoom meeting kind of made it feel like the rest of us were lepers. And...we don't even treat people who have Hansen's disease like lepers any more. With her anxiety about those of us who are the Great Unwashed, I'm wondering: there's the sales floor, and the back room. No cafeteria. How are we supposed to eat through a mask? I think our elected officials are going to require customer-facing personnel to wear masks, anyway, but her attitude sort of left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm guessing if I offer to work from home, maybe just in the store Saturdays, she will probably jump at that.
  15. My man-friend and I are starting to get on one another's nerves. Fortunately for me, he's traveling for a day or two for work. I needed the break.
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