just another one to go through this..

[karl0774]

Hey! first of all, this forum has helped me alot to go through this, thanks.

so my story starts, back in may, where i meet my now ex girlfriend ( she is 20, and im 22). we started dating and became a couple quickly and everthing was great, we have something special, we was exstremly alike, our personality, much the same, which make our relationship very intens, this was my first relationship aswel, she have had 2 boyfriends before me, so abit more exsperiens then me. we had ofcause had our problems, but never yelled or anything like. we loved each other ALOT. 

then on the 04/10/21, roughly 6 weeks ago, her stepdad died in work acident out of the blue. they night before we texted abought a problem we needed to talk about, then this happend. she was in so much greif, i sent a text once a day, just letting her know i was here and so on, she would responds, be cold and destent. then about 8 days after we texted for abit, i texted i love her so much, to wich she responded, we need to talk. at this point i was on ths forum reeding every single post in here, so i knew what she wanted, and it just broke me, wow it hurt. 

so 10 days after her dad stepdad died, i came to her place, at this point, i had alredy been super heart broken for a couple of days. i then come to her place ( she is living alone with her mother om a farm now after he died ). when we meet, we hugged for 30 min, kissed, i cried alot, she wanted to, but was out of teers, she was like a zombie no emotions left, was insane to see. we talked for 2 hours, breaking up, she told me, that this was not fair to me, that i shouden have to wait for her and i should find a new girlfriend and so on. i accepted, because i knew there was no way i could chance her mind, we talked alot about, that we should meet in 1 or 2 years time and so on.. we ended up cuddeling, making some food, and wacthing a movie together and she asked me to spend the night after we have broken up, so mixed feelings.. she also asked if we still could watch movies together still after the break up. i i told her that it would be hard for me to stay friend like that and  i proberly would have to unfollow her on social media. 

the next morning i gave her, her stuff back and she gave me mine, very clean brake up. and we kissed goodbye 

a day after that, i texted her i chaged my mind, and still would like to be there for her but as friend and so on, to witch she responed" really would like that". 

then 10 days goes by and the funeral came up, i was there, gave her a hug and her mom, then just stayed in the backgrund, she did not looks that happy to see me. later that night she texted me that, "it was kinda nice i was there, thank you", i responed with " i toguht it was very elegent funaral and a touching speech she gave" to with she sent a heart. 

a couple a days goes by i sent her" there is nothing better i  would then to watch a movie with her" hoping she would want my support.. she then repsoned with, ice cold " we are not going to do that". to witch i did not repond, and have been no contact with her ever since, about 4 weeks now, she has change her fb status to single, and deleted a picture of my on instagram, but for some reason kept one.

 

this have been one hell of a roller coaster, i was so heart broken the first 4 weeks, my chest hurt and was thing about her 90% of the time. now after no contact and accepting everthing, i have been better, i workout every day and train for half marathon, just to better my self, i been reeding alot of selfhelp books, and just really focusing on myself, metal, psysis, and thinking over the things ihad done wrong the relationship, so can be better for my next. 

 

i still have hope with this girl, she is truly my dream girl, but this is just not our time. i was thinking of leaving a card with a flower, after christmas just wishing her the best, and that i hope for the best for her, that she may find her dream guy and so, but not sure if that a good idea, i would do in 6 weeks, so i might change my mind, who know. i still love her, but i really need to go no contact for my own seak.

for me what really helped, was truly letting my thoughts and emotions go this my head, acceping there are there, letting my self feel sad, when i am sad, then when i think of her, just accept i have thoguht about her, but does not fokus on them. i like to think of emitons like, the sky, they come and go all the time, everting is dynamic, feelings change, life does on, so importing to keep reminding youself. and to think of this as the best opetinty to get to know yourself better. this is the biggist pain i have felt in my life.. and are some how greatful for it, because i know i will come out even stronger. 

- karl, sorry for bad english, not exactly my first language haha

[kayc]

I am sorry you are going through this, been there.  As you've undoubtedly already read, no contact is best for healing, very hard to hang onto hope when it goes nowhere.  Out of all of the threads in this section (I've read/responded to all of them over the years) I don't know a one that made it later on, even the one or two that seemed to actually did not (messaged me later).  That's not good odds.  I hope you give yourself your best chance of healing by accepting what you cannot change.

I hope you also realize this is not your fault, not hers either, it is the product of grief.  Not everyone who goes through grief breaks up but there are a certain number who do, enough to be considered a classic response, although not the majority, thankfully.  I would love to see a study done on this but have never ran across one.

3 hours ago, karl0774 said:

think of this as the best opetinty to get to know yourself better.

This is good, anything we can do for ourselves, work on ourselves, invest in ourselves, do what is positive for ourselves, ultimately the only one we can control is ourselves, so it makes sense.  In time, as we begin to heal, we have better clarity.  It's also good to recognize that no relationship is 100% perfect because we're all human, so try not to idealize her in retrospect, keep open to the possibility of having another relationship someday, although it's good to take some space for now while you're not yet open/ready for one.

Spend time with family/friends, anyone positive in your life.  Work out, take a class, focus on career, hobbies, occupy your time and mind.  I also like this idea in grief (and you are grieving...a relationship): Dosing Crying Time in Grief

Sending you thoughts of peace and comfort...

[karl0774]

so true, i learned today to stay the the no contact... update 2 month after the BU. yester day she removed the last picture of me from the instagram and it hit like a bus, one big rejection, like all hope just vannished. she then texted me that she placed a bag with the remaining of my stuff at my place. it hurt alot, i ended up texing her  thank you and then just had to let her know, that i cared alot about her and i was here if she did need it. i thanked her for everthing and told her i felt i taking her abit for granted. that i understand she want nothing to do with me, and i understood that. to wich she responed with "thank you and a heart". i also told her that im sorry i cant be to more suppport, that might just be to many emotion involed for that to work after a BU. she reposned with " there is nothing to do about it now". now its back to nc so i can fully move on.

she is just so damn ice cold towards me, i dont get it? 

i am just waiting for the 16 of janury next year, i will go on a 5 month foke school adventure, basicly 5 month of pure joy, having classes like outdoor life, beer brewing and music clases living with 120 other young people just enjoying life and pratice personal development. i also found out from this greive exspirmens what i want to study next year, that has helped alot on my positivity. but really starting to feel abit  winter depressed, there is almost no sunshine its just grey the wheter witch is not helping on my mood doing this tought time.

i just hate that, this girl was my dream girl, like our connection was amazing, she wanted the same things in life as i did. she a big horse girl, i loved that about her, loved going horseback riding with her, seeing her so damn happy while riding, wow i cant get rid of the image of her. she introdused me to horses, never like them before, but now i cant get rid of this dream of me and her having a small farm togetner enjoying life. i just wish i could flly go of her, but is so difficult.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, karl0774 said:

i just hate that, this girl was my dream girl, like our connection was amazing, she wanted the same things in life as i did.

I know...they are until they aren't.  It's hard to take in the sudden change.  We can analyze it to death and STILL have no answers!  My daughter has been with someone the last 21 years ago...they married 9/09/09, I knew him even before she did (at my job) then he was at her job...he adored her, and her him.  Reminded me very much of my husband and I (he passed 16 1/2 years ago).  Her husband was charming, a hard worker, etc.  He went to prison when he was young, got armed robbery even though all he did was go for a ride with a roommate and some other guys and THEY pulled out weapons to "teach a guy a lesson" (the guy has stolen from one of them) but Don wasn't armed and had no prior knowledge they were going to do this!  He was young 18 or 19 and dumb, in the wrong place at the wrong time...my daughter stood by him and so did I, his own mom didn't write to him in prison, I think he spent 7 years inside, it was me writing, accepting his collect calls, visiting, and my daughter would drive clear across the state every weekend to see him, sometimes in freezing rain and sleeping in her car, bearing hardship.  When he got out I picked him up from "boot camp" and took him to Sponsor's, my trunk full of clothes, shoes, my husband's wallet, etc. for him to share with the others.  He seems to have forgotten all that.  When him and Melissa were married, she was the best wife in the world, picking him up at work late at night, cooking, paying bills, also working.  She lost their baby five years ago and he left her.  Who does that!!  He came back a year later when she had the flu under the guise of taking care of her, but in reality to take the apt.  After three years he succeeded.  Feb. 20 he filed for divorce, the courts closed the next month and they're still in limbo, she doesn't know if she's divorced or not.  He got the apt. which SHE had acquired and kept when he was out of work, etc.  

She's a beautiful sweet strong girl, now 39, works hard, and her heart was totally broken, it's STILL hard on her, her heart STILL hurts but little by little she's letting go of what was.  I will never understand, nor will she, how a person can change that drastically.  In his case it was right after he switched jobs and was around young people, drinking...with Native American in his blood, he can't tolerate alcohol, but can it change someone that much that quickly?!  The answer is yes.  I pray someday he sees the light and has remorse...it'll be too late for them but I still hope he'll learn from his mistakes so this will not all be in vain.  I still love him...but I'd also like to thrash him.  I am a mother bear and he messed with my cub.  My most prized treasure in my life.

Breakups hurt like hades.  We usually don't see them coming.  It's such a shock to the brain!  At least when my husband died, our RELATIONSHIP was intact, he didn't CHOOSE to leave me!!!  On the other hand, Don still exists, I can't lay eyes on George.  It's impossible to compare losses, they're just different.  But I hate that some invalidate losses to breakup saying "Oh you'll find someone else..." TBH they say that when we lose someone to death too.  While they mean well, it doesn't make us feel better.  This wasn't your choice, you didn't want this.

Two things I see that are positive, you are seeing the need for NC, and that will aid you in healing...the other is you have some special plans that sound wonderful, and it's so good to have something to look forward to!

Do keep us posted how it goes for you and I hope you have a great time Jan. -June!  Wishing you the best going forward...

[karl0774]

im so sorry your daughter had to go though all that, i really hope she can find menning on all that, she has been alot it sounds like. 

my problem sounds small compaired to that and many other storys ind here. mine is really when i look at it from the outside, a 22 year old with alot of years of joy and relationships ahead of me. this was a 4 month thing wich died due to greif. wow that helped to take a step back. i am really surpriced about how much this is inpackting  my life consittered that it was only 4 month we were together, i still fell chestpain some days, i think of her 80% of the day, and kinda still battleing every day and it have been over 2 month since we broke up already.

i just cant get over it completely, the last couple of days i have felt so guilty, keep telling myself, i should have not agreed to breakup so easyly the day we broke up. i didnt fight her on it, because i knew at the time that was what she wanted and needed. but i cant forgive myself for not being more strong the day we broke up ( it was 8 days after the death ) i wish i had told her, that we should wait 1-2 month before making the dession, that i would go NC so there would be no presure and let at greive and then we could talk in 1 month or 2 about were we stand. but at the time i just wanted some answers it was just hard so being in the dark. i keep telling myself it would be different if had just waited. 

[kayc]

If it's any consolation, it most likely would not have made any difference if you'd fought for the relationship, it might have made her hostile, they need us to respect their wishes...my fiance of a year broke up with me by Fed Ex over 11 years ago when his mom was dying, he had something to do with all his friends/neighbors, XW, just not me.  VERY sudden/unexpected.  He felt guilty for the time he'd spent with me and felt he should have spent it with his mom, even though there was no foreseeing any of this.  It just happens, nothing to do with us or our relationship, we just get the fallout.

I'm sorry you're hurting, I know the pain...I haven't dated since.  I've read/responded to all the posts in this section, don't recall any who made it intact, a couple of them thought they did but later messaged me that they didn't.

You'll drive yourself nuts with the what ifs, that's a definite grief fallout (you are grieving the relationship), pretty much everyone does that in early grief, we have to learn there's no what if only what happened and you had no control over any of it.  I want to assure you that not everyone responds in grief as she did, but it happens enough to call it a classic response, if not common.

 

[karl0774]

woooow so today i saw on her instragram story that she i datting someone new, i looked at tinder, and is there is was with new pictures an everthing. it just so damn much. how can she Freaking date????? we broke op 2 month ago 8 days after her dad died. i cont understand, how can she be over our relationship so quick? she told she could not be in any relationship for a long time, i gaues 2 month was enogh wow, i fell all the pain coming back. i just unfolloed her, because it just hurt to much. i still think about her 60% of my day how can she date again. i just wish i could forgot her. i feel like i meant notthing to her.

[karl0774]

i still dont get it, but i kinda already forgave her, its been 3 hours since my last post i went for a loong walk. talked to some friends, and read on this forum. i ask myself " how i can be happy for her". she is just doing what she need to do to cope with it all, and she proberly need some attention of someone else or a rebond of some sort, this is about her and her greif, i keep telling myself. i should not take i personly. i still feel jaloux and abit hurt, but i know this felling will pass, just wish i did not think aobut her all day but i still very much care for her and love her i think. but this helped me to getting over the hope for a relaionship with her in the future, we might be friends in a year but nothing more. i still greive her and somehow she is over me and i dont want to be with something who just like thats is back on tinder, not even working on herself . but i would proberly feel all this feeling even if it was a "normal" breakup. i just hate she is dating and im not because im not ready at all.

[karl0774]

this somehow really f*cked me up, i cant even sleep now, first time it happend after we broke up, this is really bugging me. i keep seing her with this new guy. im just damn hurt, it really sucks big time. i dont know how to just focus on myself knowing she is sheing someone else, the chest pain has returned i cant distrat myself from it, i keep think they must have been knowing hiother for a while after the can be dating. i just cant get my mind of it. but i 100% NC now, i only have her fb now, so there should be no more ways to be hurt, other then the thing i already know 

[kayc]

She broke up with you.  I know it's a cold hard fact and this wasn't your decision and you're having to live with the fallout.  It's unfair.  It helped me to learn that we can bring the closure we need for ourselves in absence of understanding any of it.  I don't get it either.  It made it hard for me to trust, I haven't dated since, but then with me it wasn't just one relationship/breakup I went through, it was many, and I gave each one my best.  I figure if God wants me to be with someone, He is perfectly capable of bringing them into my life...unless/until then, I'll go it alone.

You're young, it's different for you.  Have you considered just casual dating?  Not to find "the one" just yet but to enjoy yourself.  And who knows what the future will bring.

They're dating, they didn't announce an engagement.  I know it's hard to understand how she can so soon after what YOU had but maybe you didn't have what you thought you did?  Maybe it was that way for you but she wasn't in it as much?  It's hard when that's what they show us, lead us to believe.  Very hard.  Believe me, my heart goes out to you.

Why Our Need for Closure Makes Us Selfish | The Huffington Post

[karl0774]

that abit harsh, but it true, she broke up and have every right to do how she pleases. the only thing i can do is decents myself from her and somehow get her out of my head, so i cant heal and get over her. am i a bad person for hoping she kinda get her heartbroken by him? idk why am so sour about it. it's so hard not to dig deep into it. ii really hope next time i get heartbroken it hurts less, and i remember to go 1000% nc from the beginning. it's been 2 month and i feel like all my procress is gone, like im starting from day 1 all over again. 

i really need to stop hating her, it really bad for my mental health

i also have not been the best with my storys on intragram, been sharing me partying alot after we broke up, maybe she got hurt by it. 

i really dont feel like dating at all, im abit scared of getting rejecet, plus i would with proberly compare whom im dating with my ex. because thats truly all i can think about, that my brain base at the moment, evertime i not 100% concentrated about something im thinking of her, i hate im so freking obssessed about her, it is freakin me out abit.

 

[kayc]

I know it's harsh, I'm sorry, my intent isn't to bring you pain but help you...but damn if life isn't harsh sometimes!  I hope it helps to also know you WILL heal from this!  Hard to see right now, but it'll happen, although I can't say when, we're all different in our timetables, but it'll happen.  I am fortunate, after a period of no contact for months we were able to be friends, but it wouldn't have worked had I been secretly hoping for something more, because it was important to respect his decision and accept reality.  It changed the playing field, for sure.  It's been since Aug. 2010 and we still talk every week or two.  His XW lives with him the last few years, I'm on friendly terms with her.  I went to see them during fire evac.  Their relationship seems codependent but I accept it as it is, it is likely to remain for the rest of their lives.  When he was dying a few years ago his daughter called me and said the only person he asked for was me.  I forewent the funeral I'd planned attending that day and dove the 60 miles away to the hospital to see him.  And again when he was back there a year or two later.  He was here for me when I had eye surgery six or seven years ago, driving me to/from the surgery, even though I'm 75 miles away from his house.  He stayed with me to make sure I was okay until the next day.  I'm glad we still have friendship as to me he's valuable.  And so darned funny!  

Is it bad for you to hope she gets heartbroken by him?  I think what you REALLY want is for her to UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU FELT.  Not that you wish bad for her, but you want her to own her responsibility in her actions.  And I get that.

My SIL filed divorce on my daughter two years ago, they'd been married ten years, she'd been the best wife there was!  I do hope someday he "gets it" and realizes his mistake, it'll be too late for them but still it'd be good for him to realize.  I still care about him even though I hate how he hurt my daughter...he left her right after she had a miscarriage!  Who does that?!  He did.  Our family had loved and accepted him into our family.  I doubt he'll find a family of in-laws like us.  But it's up to God to teach and direct his paths from here on out.  I pray for healing for my daughter, her heart is still broken, she got together with him 21 1/2 years ago.

You can make the choice to forgive, for some people it's instant, for some it's a process.  It's not for HER so much as YOU.  It's owning your own power, it's not letting them have the power to change who/how you are, but letting it be something YOU determine.  It never means what they did was okay or right, it means you let go of wishing harm befall them.  

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - Mayo Clinic
Sarah Montana: Why forgiveness is worth it | TED Talk

 

[karl0774]

KayC THANK YOU so much for for being stright with me! i have done alot of thinking, and feel really good about everything. i have download tinder and texing with a few and wow that was just what i needed, to move on. i have started mildfulness, this helped me big time to get rid of images of her dating.

i am kinda glad now she started dating, this pushed me to let go and truly accept it. i got my power back!! my process and more. really just focusing on me and my need. i think about her even less now im dating again. somehow i turned this in to a good thing, that feels so empowering.

[kayc]

I didn't want you to sting with what I said but I'm a person that truth is most essential, I believe in giving it to me straight so I can deal with it, I don't want lied to.
I'm glad you are realizing some things, little by little you will gain clarity as emotions loosen their hold.  Those same emotions that make us "feel good" can also be a bit deceptive.  So important to find balance!

I'm so glad you are feeling empowered, you are!!!  Good luck to you going forward, I hope you'll update us now and then!   Enjoy life in the moment, when your person presents, you'll know, it may not hit you like a bomb going off, it may be a quieter "knowing..."

[karl0774]

hello, i wanted to give an update 

so for the last couple of weeks i have been having so much fun at this new foke school, met so many new  friends! i really just stop thinking about her, i have done no contact for the last 3 month, this really helped alot. i think about her maybe 1-2 minutes a day. i never thought i would get to this state, but i did. 

then to day i checked her facebook ( i havent done this the last 3 month, but i was curious.. ) and there she has deleted me and i could see was in a relationship with this guy she dated back in december. that hurt quiet a bit and i know it will take abit of time to heal. i just hope she is happy

 

[kayc]

Aww, hope for yourself and your own happiness, you are deserving of so much!  I'm glad you're enjoying your school!  I know it cuts to the quick, I get it, sometimes we can't understand...why them, why not us?  IDK, maybe it wasn't meant to be.  Maybe we deserve better for ourselves.  I mean, if someone fails to appreciate us, they can't be the best for us, right?!

[karl0774]

thanks you kayc! i think this is for the best anyway, im sure i will meet someone deffirent and better. In the meantime i juts going to enjoy life. i feel like i have done everthing i could do, and if that was not enorgh so be it. the last 2 nights has been pretty bad, with almost zero  sleep and i started dreaming about her, hope this goes away soon hahaha. i just keep wondering, why she went puplic with this new relationship so soon, me and her did after 4-5 month and there is just siad "in a relationship". she put that she is in a relasinhip with this guy by name, and why did she delete me on facebook? this was the social platform she asked if we still could stay friend back when we broke up. and why only me? she still friends with her other exes, but with me she cant. this really bugs me

[kayc]

Maybe he asked her to or she thought it best since she's in a relationship.  Gosh, I'm still friends with Jim after 11 1/2 years and he's been living with his XW the last few years!  But she knows there's nothing between us besides friendship and she's included/overhears our conversations.  Sometimes I feel things work out for the best, even when it hurts like hades at the time and you can't see it!  I think the way he broke up with me upset me the most, had he just been open and honest with me...

I know you'll be okay, you're very positive and take all the right steps, just takes tine for the feelings to catch up with our brain sometimes. 

 

[karl0774]

thanks you again kayc!

i just realized today that when i think about her now, i dont have any feelings, i feel so good about it. 

i really just made alot of good dession lately. i feeel like its an closed chapter and i have growed alot as a person because of it and i have never been more happy then im right now. 

 

 

[kayc]

I am so glad to hear that!  Sometimes it's just good to let our hearts heal and give it time to have clarity.