Guilt and regret after passing (heart disease)

[Aaron Tee]

I am having trouble to cope with the loss of my dog Mimi. My dog mimi was around 17 years old when she passed 7months ago, up until today i still can't let go (how is it possible to let go if what they experienced can't be changed and we still able to live our life, with all those guilts? i cant bring myself to do that, i love her, i love her so much)

 

Basically i was working in singapore(Mimi is in Malaysia with my family and life partner) and due to lock down i was unable to see her in her last moments which hurts me a lot and i regret it my whole life. My partner and my family were with her though, i am having trouble to cope with the fact that she wasn't put down, instead she died in my mum's arm at home. I always wanted to let her be put to sleep at home (this concept is not so 'normal' here but i always wanted to give her that) so that she wont face the horrible death herself but in the end i failed, i failed her the worst way, i didnt even know she will be gone that day. But in fact to think back there are a lot of signs and i failed her, she's been going to vet quite frequently for arthritis acupuncture her last year and ultrasound heart monitoring for her last two months, now i was thinking maybe vet didnt recommend euthanasia is due to the culture here to only euthanize dog when there's obvious suffering, maybe we should voice out ourselves? she was having heart issues and on meds, frequently panting here and there after short walks which my family/partner always tried their best to calm her down and thought she was fine after some 'calming down', but now i am worried, i am worried that she actually suffered.

 

She didnt look like she was in pain during her last moments (was still doing short walking around an hour ago before passing) and i was told she passed peacefully, didnt whine, gone within 20min, rather 'peaceful in the process', maybe cardiac arrest or heart issues. but now i am worried, i am worried she actually suffered, i also cant bring myself to believe a peaceful passing without euthanasia. how can death be that easy, i dont want my baby to go through that and i am so so regret on that. 

 

i cant get over the fact every dog deserve a peaceful 'sleeping' instead of 'dying' but my mimi didnt get that. Knowing most of the pets are euthanized in the end of their path in US or Europe, just wanna ask if you happened to know there are dogs who passed themselves (instead of euthanasia), how are their owner coping with that? how can their owner accept and get over it? is there any goods in it? is there anyway to help myself getting over with this cruel facts? appreciate your insight on this and i will be grateful. 

 

I also wanna thanks KayC as I inbox her before I made this post and she gave great support.

[kayc]

I've already shared my horrid experience with Arlie's "euthanasia" they botched so he went out in severe pain instead of easing him into his transition.  I wish it on no one.  For 25 year old Kitty it was different, hers went perfectly.  I also had a whippet named Lucky who "fought" the euthanasia at the end, it was also horrifying to watch.  The vet said sometimes they do that.  And I had Fluffy who snuck into the van on a hot day, enclosed vehicle, the vet said his brain would have burst as I sat a few feet away in my office, working, unaware.  That one stuck with me.  I wish the vet hadn't told me that.  So not all go peaceably, and it's very hard to live with.  All I can console myself with it it's over now and they're in their reward and I want to be with them again someday.  I've lost 15 cats and nine dogs.  It's different for all of them.

I think it's horrible they don't offer the option of euthanasia where you live!  Yes, they need to give that option!

I also want to be sure you see these...
 

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[Aaron Tee]

Thanks KayC, sorry for all your losses, I happened to read quite some of their stories via your writing and I can tell they are all blessful and loved throughout their entire life.

 

Let me correct myself, the vet here do offer euthanasia but for Mimi's case just none of them actually "recommend" it (went to three different vet for the span of two months), maybe we should voice it out and ask but we were too naive to think Mimi is hopeful to be recovered after some treatment and medicine.

[kayc]

Oh I see, they thought she could get better?  You must feel let down.  That's how I felt getting Arlie's clean bill of health and then just two weeks later told his liver's shutting down and he has inoperable cancer!  He was EVERYTHING to me!  And then to suddenly lose Kitty on top of it just 4 1/2 months later.  Perhaps I was naive to think she'd live forever, but she was amazing and had always seemed to.

Here they have a law they can't put down an animal without a fatal diagnosis.

[Aaron Tee]

i would say most things were caused by our ignorance and i deeply regretted about it.

Mimi got diagnosed with a suspected tumour on her heart by first vet which she claimed is quite rare in dog (via ultrasound, due to old age she dont suggest anasthetic MRI/CT/Biopsy) a month plus ago, then we went for second opinion with the second vet (which is kind of the most well known vet in our town) saying he cant see anything via Xray. So that left us with meds, biweekly ultrasound monitoring and occasional thoracentensis. Now to think back all the medical signs, maybe vet in your area would recommend to put her down already but vet here never mentioned about it, and due to our ignorance we thought this can be cured or something, sadly the ending wasn't as what we expected. 

So the day before, we took Mimi back to the first vet for her biweekly ultrasound monitoring after some additional meds, the result came back good, fluid had been decreased and that gave us some hope. At that point, we still didnt think Mimi will be dying hence we didnt have any end-of-life plan or talks at all.

On the day, Mimi woke up feeling unwell, so we took her back to the first vet, she was surprised what happened overnight and did a thoracentensis, right after that Mimi perked up so she suggesting that we should take her back home to let her rest and maybe she can get past this hump but she did warn us things may get bad again.(here comes again my regrets, i should have put her down, i should have given up all the false hope but we didnt) Then we brought Mimi home, she was able to eat/drink and even did a round of short walks to pee & poop. She went back to sleep then after 2 hours, she is gone.

I should have planned for a at-home euthanasia right after she got back home but we didnt, that's the perfect timing. i had so many chance to help her for the transition but we didnt. How can i? how can i do that my girl. She is like our kid for me and my wife, we brought her to travel around the country although malaysia is not a dog frirendly country, but all that doesnt mean anything anymore, we failed her the worst way, we made her suffer in the end. I cant accept that, i really cant get past it. She passed on and there's nothing i can do to change anything. Nothing right or good happend in my life will mean anything to me since i had failed the most dearest creature on earth to me and i cant do anything to change that.

[kayc]

I'm sorry, I think this is something we all struggle with, that feeling that we let them down.  But if we could ask THEM they would not feel that way...they knew us as the most loving and caring parents they could have had.  Ignorance does not make us horrible, it means we didn't know.  How can we hold ourselves to a standard by which we had no avail to?  We would not judge a friend so harshly in the same situation, we'd console them, so why then are we so unforgiving with ourselves?!  Not a question really, just a statement, we all seem to face this.

[Aaron Tee]

Mimi, i am so sorry that i failed you........ you are our baby, the only 'bad girl' in the house everyone willing to endure.....

Don't know how to live my life without you, and with all these regrets. I just wish to go back time and change everything that i should have or shouldn't have done. Will never forgive myself.

*video was taken an hour before Mimi passed on, she went for a short walk, pee and poo. Mimi, until the end you are still so caring, to have taken so well of yourself, you are the best, i love you......

 

[kayc]

OMG, the sweetest little baby in the world!  I feel your heartbreak.