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My mother and too many others..

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I am happy to have found this page, I know I am needing help. Over the last 2 1/2 years I have lost my father, my uncle, my nephew, my stepmother, and found my best friend dead, and lost my mother in December of 2020. I use to hear a lot of stories of people having to deal with this kind of situation, but never thought I would be one of them. 

My mother was diagnosed with cancer and I was her caregiver for 4 years before I lost her. I believe that I never dealt with loosing her because of all my other losses. I know I buried it because of dealing with so much. I could go on and on about how close my mother and I were, and how we were best friends and did everything together, everyday. ( I lived on the same property as her) However, I know I need to talk about how I have "not" been dealing with it. When I first lost her in the first year I became suicidal and struggled to keep it under control. I know I would never follow through with it because of my deep faith. I spent several days praying begging God to take away my pain. I strongly feel he has helped me, however, I have just buried so many other emotions that I have just gotten to the point where I just don't care. I feel like that because of so many people leaving me in a short amount of time that I am just waiting for the next tragedy to happen. I know this is all part of life, but I am unmotivated, I force myself to get up and go to work. I am going thru the motions of life but not really living. I pretend to be happy when inside everything has been taken out of my soul. I have no support system, my sister's have their own problems and worries. (For sure, the one that has lost a son.) So, I don't want to burden them with problems.  If someone out there has any words of wisdom or advise I am eager to hear it. I never thought that at this point of my life I would be dealing with so much grief.

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post. And thank you for allowing me a space where I can read advice and/or other experiences, to hopefully find my own answers. 

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You and me both, I lost my mom in 2014 (dad over 40 years ago), my husband Father's Day 2005, my soulmate in a dog, Arlie over 3 1/2 years ago, 25 1/2 year old Kitty 4 1/2 months  later, my BIL of 50 years (I was close to) 2 1/2 years ago, my closest sister (I was her caregiver, she was disabled and had dementia) 1 year ago, and since then, my favorite aunt, my favorite cousin, and an uncle.  I'm scared to answer the phone!

I think this is a good article for you:
Multiple Losses

I am sorry for your losses!  I know it's hard to get through...I wrote this article ten years after losing my husband, not only from what I've experienced but also gleaning from grief forums all these years, and what people post...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.


There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.


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