Feeling Really Down Hopelesll

[lorikelly]

Hi , i thought i was doing ok today but i am falling apart know. i just had to go through my moms storage unit since my sibling are coming tomorrow to take what they want. i know that they won't leave me anyting and i did't take anythnig big b/c i just don't want to fight anymore. i just want to grieve for my mom and be left alone. i found a letter my mom left that she wrote 7 yrs ago and said that she wanted me to have her china closet since it meant alot to her but i could not take it. i know that my sister will probably keep it. i feel so low!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it hurts in every part of me. i feel bad b/c my husband hates to see me like this and trys so hard to help me. he thinks its great i go on this website. my two boys age 7 and 11 have been so understanding and always are hugging me. i keep telling myself i have to have hope for them that it will get better. my stomach is a mess from stress and some new meds i am trying so i feel lousy that way. i wish there was a timeline that someone could tell me the pain would end soon. i keep trying tell my self today maybe a tiny bit better and i have begun to say each day that my mom loved me and i loved her nobody can take that from me also i say Jesus take my sorrow from me and replace it with joy. i pray each day to the sacred heart of Jesus. St. Jude and St. Anthony. My mom loved st. Anthony and always told me that to pray to St. Jude he is the saintof hopeless causes and i feel hopeless. I feel like a part of me died with her. we had a different kind of relationship, my mom had some emotional issues due to a horrible upbring and she always needed and craved attention. i was always there to try to make it better. sometimes i would get mad b/c i couldn't understand how she couldn't be different and that is what most of our issues came from. i know now that she couldn't be and tried her best , the best way she could. my mom had tried to committ suicide 2 times that we are sure of she never succeeded thank god but i was always there encouraging her to keep going. I was very much enabler to my mom that what people have told me but she needed that b/c i think no matter how many children she had she always felt sad unloved and afraid to be left alone. this comes from her upbringing but it caused alot of turmoil in our lives. my parents had a terrible marriage my dad was a alcoholic and life growing up was very difficult. i still adored my mom since i was little i always was afraid she was going to die, she was sick so much. and almost every holiday she spent in the hospital, going to the hospital (alot of christmas eves) or coming home on one. i think and so does my siblings that she craved the attention b/c we would always rally around her. i never left her side and put my life on hold for so long for my mom. i would give anything now to have it back. i was so tired being a caregiver and many times i wished it would be done. it was emoitonally, mentally and physically draining. i was the caregiver 24 hrs plus i worked nights and did everything for her since she was completely bedridden. she made me promise when i was a little girl that i would never put her in a nursing home and tried my best to keep her out. she lived with me for 18mos (my sibling thought she should of went right to a home) i just couldn't i had made this promise and i don't go back on them. she eventually died in onea nd that kill me , she was only there 4 weeks but i never wanted her to go. as you can see i have alot of unresolved issues besides grief to deal with. i am working with my therapist and i am 38yrs old so i know it took me a long way to get this way and it will take a long time to heal. my dad passed 4 yrs ago and i am the only child who spoke to him b/c my mom never wanted us to have contact with him or she would never have forgiven you. they both contributed to the crazy house we live in. i needed to see him so i wouldn't deal with regrets later. i am so happy that i did but nobody new is spoke to him. i had to hide my grief from that or i probably would of be disowned. i told you this is crazy. i just always wanted to please my mom and have her love me. i believe she did, she told my in the last few weeks that she loved me more then i would ever know , that when she was cremated she wanted to come home to me ( i have her ) and then the last thing she mouthed to me before she died was I Love You to. i told her so many times a day those last few weeks and she told me. i believe in my heart that we some kind of peace. what hurts me the most is that she would want us to be a family to remenber her together. that will never happen to many things have damaged our sibling relationships. people me tell me i have to move on pass this but it hurts so bad. my therapist said to have no contact with them since they are toxic and would only say stuff to hurt me . she says i am to vulnerable right now for that. i am sorry that i rambled , i just needed to vent and let someone hear my pain. thanks for listening.

[STARKISS]

Hi Lorikelly,

When my mom and dad first died I to had to face siblings who just wanted to get it over with. One week after dad died my siblings had a real estate agent go through the house. I lived at the house where my parents lived until they both died. After their deaths the furniture, and personal effects were gone through and many garage sales were done. I was given a date to leave the house. My mom died April 18, 2005 and My dad died August 25, 2005. My last day in the house was November 1, 2005, than I was off the live with my sister. It was very hard on my to see my parents belongings sold or given away. I hope this has helped you and I will pray for you and keep you in my heart and hope that things get easier as time goes by. take care of yourself and God bless you Shelley

[dpodesta]

Lorikelly,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this without the help of your siblings, things go so much easier when you have to whole famil;y to support each other through terrible times. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband and children. Your husband is right this site will help you to see that you are not alone, other poeple have gone throgh what you are going through and come out of it with flying colors. While I cannot give you a time line as to when the pain will ease, because each person is different in how they handle grief, I can tell you it will get better.

After I lost my wife in April of this year, I though that it could never get better, but now I see life in a whole different light. Carson my 7 year old son is now constantly telling me he loves me and asking me if things are ok, they have such an innocense and understanding that it surprises me.

I will keep praying for you for as long as you need, you can email me anytime if you want. God will give you the peace you need, just turn it all over to Him, it took me a long time to realize that. He can handle so much more than I can alone.

I will pray that God will give you the peace and that you will be able to sense that He is carrying you right now and will continue to do so for as long as you need. Please contact me if you need prayer in any other areas I will be glad to do so. This is not a hopeless situation even though it may seem so, you will come through this with the help of your husband and children, and you will be a stronger person and have a deeper contact with God in the end.

God bless you and give you peace.