Heartfelt Thanks

[Fern]

Thank you to all who have posted regarding my losses. They really have been a comfort to me. The support helps so much. Of course, all the posts help - it helps so much to know of others surviving the loss of such close relationships. And knowing I am not alone.

My heart goes out to those who have lost close family members as well as loved animals in such short periods of time. Wow, that would be hard to deal with.

I think I am coming to terms with the fact that it is going to take a very long time to adjust to the absence of Smokey, Raja, and Mokey. They were an important part of my life while they were in this life - they always will be

important to me.

For years I felt like I was living an enchanted life. I was so happy with my husband and all our animals. I wanted nothing more. Now, not only have we lost our three beloved friends, but I have a dread that something terrible is going to happen to our surviving pets. Before daylight last Sunday a truck was driving slow with flashing lights down the road in front of our house. I KNEW an animal had been hit by a car. Even though the horses would have had to get through two gates to get on the road, I was shaking until I accounted for all three of my horses and both cats. After daylight, we walked down the road and discovered a deer that had been killed. The "dread" feeling doesn't seem to go away.

God bless you all for your willingness to share.

[Maylissa]

Fern,

Firstly, please accept my condolences on the losses of your 3 beloved animals, Smokey, Raja and Mokey.

I'm also sorry I couldn't seem to respond earlier to your posts, but to be frank, your board name really threw me for a loop....it's not a very common name nowadays, and although I know it's a female name, it was also the name ( a long story ) of my deceased brother, who passed after my Mum 2.5 years ago....so when I saw it, all I could do was sit and stare! I haven't typed my brother's name since 2 days before he had his stroke, so it's very weird for me. In fact, it seemed like it may have been a sign from my girl, so it struck me that, since my brother loved cats, too ( and lost 2 of his own years ago ), I should ask him to please visit my Nissa and Sabin ( ALSO brother and sister, so it really fit the picture! ) and give them rubs from me. So I told him where each of them liked to be rubbed and scritched, and how exactly, and really did feel a smidge better....so thanks for bringing you and your board name here!

All that aside, I felt so lucky, too, especially when the 'outside' world got so hairy and difficult, to have our 2, then 1, kidlet, and my H, to 'sink into'. And now, although I thankfully still have my H, we've lost the entire rest of our own little family, so nothing seems right at ALL.

I tried to push aside the feelings of dread about losing my H, too....but when I went through the fiasco of him not calling me one night when he decided to go out after work....well, I could barely breathe, I was in such a panic!! I became totally hysterical with fear, thinking he'd been killed somewhere, somehow, and now I'd be completely alone! I wanted nothing more than to just keel over and die, just to avoid that fear! I thought it was the WORST 'joke' Life could have played on me. And it still hurts that he could have done that to me during such an incredibly vulnerable time, even though he's tried SO hard to make it up to me. And since I'm home by myself during the week, that feeling never really goes away. It's so darn empty and quiet here, except for when I manage to post, that I can barely stand it. And yet, there's also such a silence inside me, somehow, where I don't even care to have any company half the time. I've never been in this exact place before, having NO one at home when I am.....and I hate it....yet I'm not ready to 'go out into the world', so I'm rather stuck with this for whatever amount of time. I just needed to share that.

I'm glad you've found support and some help on GH. It IS a really good grief board.

[avsqr_dancer]

Wow,

I can relate so well to what both of you are saying. I too felt I had a really good life with my husband and my 2 young dogs, and only 6 year old cat. I have been a worrier all my life, but for at least a few short months? I felt relatively calm. But then my brother-in-law (Hubby's brother) died of a heart attack at only 55 (a week shy of his 56th birthday) and his father also died young (58) from a heart attack. Now my DH is in much better physical condition that either of them were, and is going to a cardiologist regularly (because of my request), but I know that there are no guarantees, and he certainly has a this genetic predispostion now. Then 4 months later, my dear Tawny dies, and now I worry for Tanner, in case the kidney problem is also genetic. Darn genetics, anway!. So truth is, although I try to stay calm and not dwell on it, I live in fear/anxiety that I too will lose all that I love. Now my parents lived long, although certainly not always healthy, lives. And I also fear that could become my "curse"-to leave a much longer life than all those I love and also end up alone.

Again, it helps to have others who understand these feelings. I think after all these losses, it isn't uncommon to feel as we do, but it sure doesn't feel good, does it?

[Maylissa]

Serl,

No, it feels LOUSY! You got THAT right.

Does it strike you that that calmness we worriers and fretters so rarely allow ourselves is a necessary 'calm before the storm' before disaster strikes again?!...as if the Universe KNOWS that we'll be needing it sometime soon? I know that's how I think of it, even as I'm in the midst of enjoying the break!

And yes, I, too, live worrying about getting so old and feeble that I'll end up in one of those horrid homes, with no one to visit me or see that I'm not abused at the end of my life as well! While my H is younger than I, his family has a history of heart problems that take too many of them way too soon, and he doesn't listen to all of my knowledge about preventive supplements, etc., so I feel doomed to be alone....especially since I believe we end up HAVING to face our worst fears as part of our mission to grow while we're here. So, it feels like I can't possibly 'win' against all this loss and sorrow.

In my last communication with Nissa, it came out that supposedly I've got a LONG time to live on earth yet, with lots to yet experience, and rather than finding that comforting, it only made me depressed....like oh, greeeeeat....MORE garbage to go through, and that much longer 'til I can rejoin my kidlets. I can only hope, at this point, that Nissa's perspective on length of time was being measured in cat-years, rather than human ones!

How IS Tanner doing now anyway? Has her blood been checked again, or was it not necessary?