I Lost My Son

[Jane N.]

on October 20, 2006 my precious son, Scott Matthew, passed away. I can't stop crying, I'm physically ill, suffering panic attacks and having to take medications to keep myself able to face each day. I wake up in the middle of the night and think about it, every morning I face the fact that it wasn't a nightmare, it really happened. Scott was 38 years old, would have been 39 on December 29th of this year.

On June 15 (of this year) my husband's daughter passed away and we gained custody of her 15 year old son.... so we're raising our grandson. We had not had time to even begin to recover from the loss of our daughter when I lost Scott. I'm totally unfit to be in charge of any young person now. I feel like I've died inside but still feeling incredible pain. I resent laughter, I resent my husband's ability to put it out of his mind, I'm simply losing my mind.

Last night I was cleaning out messages on my phone and there was one from Scott sent in August. I fell apart and now I hear his voice over and over in my mind.

I've lost my parents, six brother, two sisters and many nieces and nephews in the past and I was able to recover. But this, this will kill me.... or worse leave me alive but insane with grief for the rest of my life.

How can a parent survive the loss of a child? I have an older son and daughter who have been so good, so nurturing and so loving, even in the midst of their own grief. But, they have their own families and life must go on for them. I feel like my life has stopped.

Am I crazy? I think I'm slowly slipping away from reality. I can't stop crying, even when I don't know I'm crying....... the tears just keep coming.

I miss him so much, how do I survive the rest of my life without him? He was my youngest, my baby and one of my best friends. I just can't let him go. If I believed I had the right, I'd lay down and die. But, I can't do that to my husband, my other children or my grandchildren. I feel trapped, unable to live but without the right to die.

I't only been two weeks since he died but I'm convinced I will never stop crying. I see his sons, who are so like him........ and I cry. I've tried to be strong but I have no strength left. I don't understand how this could happen.

[Laurie]

Jane, I am so so sorry for the loss of your son. It's good that you found us to talk to. It does help a little. We are all in alot of pain here and there are days for all of us when we feel like we just can't do it anymore. Like you said, you have many others who depend on and love and need you. It's been only 3 weeks for me, I lost my fiancee and he was only 43 years old. It hurts so bad, but I know that he'll be waiting for me in Heaven. I'm sure your son wants you to be happy, and be a Grandma to his boys. Talk to your son, tell him how you're feeling, tell him how much you miss him and all the things you love about him. Keep coming here Jane, keep writing. We all help eachother by understanding. Laurie

[Matthew's_mom]

I hear you. I also lost my son.I lost him to drowning on july 30 of this year. He was 15 and my middle son.But he was my baby for 14 years until I had my baby. I am so sorry for your loss. I know it isnt any comfort.I wish I could help but I can bearly help myself.Just know that our loved ones are free of pain and are in heaven waiting for us.One baby step at a time dear,thats all we can do.God bless you and stay strong.Robin

[sdicks]

Hello Jane, I'm sorry about the loss of your son and I do know how you are feeling because I feel the same way. I don't sleep much at night and so do my reading most nights when I wake up. I have nightmares about it as well. My parents are also both gone and while it was hard to lose them, that's the way things are supposed to go. But we're not supposed to bury our own children.

I lost my first son when I was eight months pregnant back in 78 and then in 1999 my oldest son Jeff was killed by medical neglect and he was forty two years old. I never thought I could go on without him, but I had my youngest son Trevor and my daughters. And then in 2005 Trevor was killed in a one car crash in NH. He was thirty seven years old...and so I don't have any sons left...and I have to ask God why. Why wasn't one enough, but to take three sons from me, I wonder what I ever did for this to happen.

Since I live alone with my two dogs, it gets lonely. Jeff used to call me every single morning when he was alive and Trevor called every week and we corrosponded on the computer and cell phones and now nothing. Jeff was taken on mothers day 99 and Trevor was killed just after mothers day 2005.

I guess we'll live through it, but life doens't have much meaning any longer... I know words don't help us much, but I do know what your going through... Shirley