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Feeling So Lonely


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Today I went to my brother's for dinner. I felt so out of place. We usually all do our own dinner with our own families for Thanksgiving, and then all get together for Christmas. But they asked me and I didn't want to cook so we went. The kids had fun with their cousins. It was the usual, guys in the living room watching football and the women in the kitchen, cooking and talking. But I kept expecting to hear a call from Sean from the other room, yelling Honey! It was so sad driving home. Dark, raining and cold, I felt so lonely. I have never been alone before. I went right from Mom and Dad to my ex-husband to Sean. I hate it so much, I hate not having someone close to tell everything to, I hate being in bed alone. I hate not having someone to love me that way. I miss Sean so much I can't stand it. Laurie

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Laurie,

The holidays are so hard. This is the second holiday season without my husband. I know you don't want to hear or believe, but it does get better. I still miss him so much, but I now save my tears for when I'm alone. It's hard around the family, they just don't know what to say. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

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Bebekat, It is very hard to believe, but I DO want to hear that it gets better. I don't want to feel this way forever. I am usually able to keep it together now around people. I think I act pretty normal, but on the inside I am crushed. It's so hard to see couples together, like my brother and his wife. Calling eachother Honey and Dear, getting to kiss and touch eachother. It's so hard to see that. I am dreading Christmas. There are so many things I've been thinking about. Like the lights on the house, I've never done that myself. Getting a tree all alone, unwrapping the ornaments.. there are so many that will be painful to see, like "our 1st Christmas together." Waiting for the kids to fall asleep to crawl into the downstairs closet to carry all the presents up to the tree. Sneaking into their rooms to put the stockings by their beds. And then that feeling of happiness and acomplishment when you get into bed together and say, "Whew, we did it again" without the kids waking up. And then waking up together, usually by my little one yelling "Santa came!!!" I don't know how I'm gonna do this without him.

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Last year I wouldn't have done Christmas if it hadn't been for my boys. With my younger son away at school, I was alone. I came home from work one day and my older son had come over and pulled all the decorations out of the storage room. My younger son arrived home two days before Christmas and finished the decorating. I was a basket case. We decided that we needed a few new traditions, for instance, it was the first year we've had an artificial tree. I also did not bake all the usual cookies and goodies, the boys just picked their favorites for me to bake.

Maybe you can start some new traditions with your kids. It won't replace the old ones, but it may make things a little more bearable. It will be hard....but remember, we are here for you.

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Bebekat, I know I'm gonna have to decorate and shop. I don't want to at all. Usually I'm starting to get excited this time of year, like a kid. Now I hate the Christmas songs, I hate seeing the decorations. I'm really a mess today. I was pretty calm for a few days, but I'm losing it again. The stuff in my head just won't stop, all the "what if's", there are so many. I have so many regrets, I wish I could do it all over again. And I constantly think, how can this be true? how could this have happened? I miss him so much. Laurie

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It is so hard. Today some of my neighbors have started their decorating outside and my heart just sank. Larry and I would have one of the prettiest houses on the street this time of year. We had such a good time putting up the lights and we couldn't wait till dark to turn them on and see how well we had done. I'm caught between not wanting my house to be dark and dreary but my heart says don't even try, it just doesn't feel right now. The world is getting ready for the holiday season and I don't fit in anywhere. The loneliness is setting in and I just don't care anymore, its too hard.

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