Yikes!

[Leann]

Hi, everybody...

One thing that has comforted me so far is reading. However, I encountered something in my reading this evening which has upset me so much that I'm crying and shaking all at the same time. I'm reading a book this evening that talks about coming to terms with the death of a parent. The author calls the death of a parent as "the end of a part of the bereaved's identity." She also talks about the idea that the adult child has "lost the role of a son or daughter." I just can't get my brain around that idea! I feel I will always be my father's daughter no mattr what! After all, if it weren't for him and my mother, I wouldn't be here! I'm so upset.....can someone help me with this????

Hugs to all,

Leann

[shell]

Leann,

I think books are wonderful tools to help us through grief and I have read many. However, some things that are said can upset you, just like what has happened to you. I had to remind myself that this was only the opinion of the author, not some truth written in stone! Of course you will always be your fathers daughter! I think we all get too wrapped up in some of this "after someone is gone" thinking. Our lives do change, but it doesn't take away all the life we shared with them before their death. We will always be connected to the ones we lost and nothing can take that away...not even death.

Hugs,

Shell

[Gillian]

Hi leann,

i read your post today and it made me feel so sad.I agree with Shell.I always try to take from a book the things that have meaning for me.When I lost my grandma(she was absolutely a second mum to me and the best gran ever)I still felt (and feel) like her granddaughter.That was our relationship and for me holy,sacred and set in stone.I still talk to her when things are bad in my life and it does comfort me.Can you find that for yourself.Will think about you.Come back again and again to this site to find that answer.These folk are fabulously supportive and understanding.

Gillian.

[Paul S]

Leann: I don't know what book you read, therefore I only know what you've posted, but one other interpretation is that the author meant that in the the death of a parent, especially the last one, is a part of a "growth stage" for us. We become "adult orphans". This does not mean I disagree with Shell's or Gillian's posts, but just posing a different 'spin' on the statement. The thing about having "lost the role of a son or daughter" may not mean that you are no longer so and so's kid, but that you are struggling with a new identity among the living as a person on your own now. Basically, an "adult orphan". "Who am I now, what does this mean?" "Omigawd, I'm now responsible, I have no one around who can 'make it better' like my Mom or Dad can". "Role" meaning duties and responsibilities, a function, maybe? And those ae now gone with the passing of a parent.

Just my 2 cents.

You will always be your Father's daughter, nothing can take that away.

[Leann]

Thanks, everybody, for helping me feel better. All of your perspectives gave me great food for thought once I got my tears and upset out and was able to think a little more clearly. It just seems like I'm soooo touchy right now, about everything. Here's what had happened: one of my colleagues at the school where I teach lost her Dad about a month ago to cancer. So I was attempting to write a thoughtful condolence card to her. I was searching for just the right words and was having trouble getting my thoughts together, so I went to my local library and found a book entitled 'My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations" by Florence Isaacs. It was a helpful resource as far as providing a springboard for expressing my own words of comfort to her. But that one sentence in the introduction to the chapter about the death of a parent really set me off that day. Maybe I was missing my Dad a bunch that particular day. Then, something happened while I was visiting my brother at the farm over the Thanksgiving holiday that helped me feel better also. Doug had gone to town on an errand, and I was at the house by myself putting up a few Christmas decorations. Neither one of us have the energy to put up a lot, but we wanted to put up a few things. Anyhow, I was out in the front yard and it was a warm, windy day (too warm for this time of year in Illinois, but we'll take it!). Anyhow, I was putting up some lights, and I heard a man's voice say my name, just as clear as clear could be! I literally jumped out of my skin, expecting to see someone standing there behind me. But the only "person" there was my wonderful cat, and he was laying on the sidewalk in the sun, fast asleep. I sat down on the porch step, my heart beating out of my chest when I thought "that was Dad trying to get me to calm down!" I know that was my Dad, I know it! Every since that day, I have felt a little calmer about everything. Thanks guys! And thanks, Dad!

Hugs,

Leann

[shell]

Leann,

I've had a similar experience and it is so wonderful. I'm so glad for you.

Hugs,

Shell